Vicious Circles

by JL Paul

  “Bailey, wake up,” Collin said, his voice horribly hoarse. “What the hell did we do last night?”

  “If you don’t know, then you have serious problems,” I mumbled.

  I felt the bed give as he rose and stumbled around to the other side. “Don’t step on the condom I tossed over there.”

  “Fuck!”

  I grinned. “Now you’re on the right track. Unless you just stepped on the condom.”

  He sank next to me as he pulled his shorts up his legs. “Bailey, I’m sorry.”

  My heart paused, preparing to shatter. I swallowed a huge helping of bitch and urged my heart to suck it up. “For what?”

  He shifted and I opened my eyes to see his concerned face. Sighing, I sat up, taking the sheet with me. “Don’t sweat it. It’s fine. We had a good time but no one needs to know - if that's what you want.”

  “I’m sorry,” he repeated. “I shouldn’t have let this happen.”

  I grabbed his chin and held it firmly. “You didn’t start it, Collin. I did. Don’t beat yourself up over it. It was one night and we can keep it to ourselves.”

  It hurt – I actually felt pain when I uttered those words. And the relief in his eyes was even worse. He was ashamed and I couldn’t really blame him. I was Bailey, after all – the girl who’ll give just about anyone a turn.

  He pressed a chaste kiss to my lips. “I’ll leave the room and let you get dressed.”

  “Kinda late for that,” I whispered, sucking back stupid tears. He smiled and got up, crossing the room to the door. He hesitated briefly then left. I let my head fall back to the pillow as I closed my eyes and mentally went through every swear word I knew in every language I knew them in. What an idiot. How stupid could I be?

  I hurriedly dressed and rushed to his bathroom. I washed my face and did what I could with my hair. I needed to get out of there quickly before my face brought more guilt and shame to Collin’s.

  When I slipped into the kitchen, my heart fell. He stood near the coffee maker, his back to me. His hands were planted on the counter and his shoulders were slumped. I longed to go to him and comfort him but I didn’t think it would be well received. I took a deep breath and cleared my throat.

  He spun around, his eyes bloodshot and his face pale. He attempted a feeble smile. “I’m making coffee. Would you like something to eat?”

  I shook my aching head and tried to avoid his eyes. The mess on the kitchen table was a reminder of our evening. I couldn’t leave it for him to clean by himself.

  “I’ll just start on this mess then I’ll head out of here,” I said.

  “I got it, Bailey. Don’t worry about it.”

  “You’re not doing this by yourself, Collin,” I insisted as I tightened the lid on the mescal bottle and shoved it in a cabinet. I scooped up the empty glasses and rinsed them in the sink while he gathered the empty pizza boxes and tossed them in the trash.

  Once we finished and he was sipping on his coffee, I turned back to him. “Okay, I’ll see you around.”

  “Bailey,” he said as he approached me, taking my hand. “I really am sorry.”

  I pressed a finger to his lips. “If you say that again, Collin, I’ll kick your ass. I swear.”

  He smiled against my finger and I dropped it. Pulling me closer, he kissed me softly. “Okay. We’ll keep this between us, all right? I’ll make sure Spencer doesn’t find out.”

  “I’m not seeing Spencer,” I reminded him.

  “Yeah,” he said with a wince. “But I still think it would bother him if he found out.”

  He was exactly right. I set my lips in a line and nodded. “Yeah. Okay.”

  “And,” he added as he rubbed the back of his neck. “I’d prefer if Tori didn’t find out about this.”

  That threw me. Why would he care if Tori found out? Unless he had something going on with her. I’d have to ask Irelyn.

  “Sure, no problem,” I said, longing to just get the hell out of there. “I really need to go. I’ll see you.”

  Hugging me, he pressed a kiss in my hair. “Okay.”

  Once he released me, I fled, my heart fighting valiantly to stay intact.

  Chapter 3

  I paced the empty condo, unsure what to do or what to think. It was unsettling having such little control over a situation. Never had I had someone apologize to me the morning after and with it being Collin – it really sucked.

  Of course I’d been stupid to, well, seduce him the way that I had. He had a point that Spencer would be upset if he found out and I didn’t want that. Suddenly I had an inkling of a clue as to what Irelyn had gone through last year.

  My headache had subsided to a weak throb but my stomach was still sour. What I needed and craved was a huge, greasy cheeseburger and an extra large soda. And I knew just where to find those things.

  “Hey, Bailey. What are you doing here?” Irelyn asked as I plopped into a chair, folding my hands on the table. “And, no offense, but you look horrible. Did you stay up all night drinking?”

  A tiny grin threatened to appear. “Something like that. I really need a cheeseburger, fries, and the biggest soda on the planet.”

  “Sure,” she said slowly and dashed off to place my order. She checked on her only other occupied table – it was still a little early for the lunch crowd – and returned to me. “What happened?”

  “Nothing,” I said as I fiddled with the salt shaker. “I just sat up and matched Collin shot for shot. Of mescal.”

  She crinkled her nose in disgust. “Yuck. Is that the stuff their uncle brought back from Mexico? That nasty stuff with the worm?”

  “That’s it,” I said. “I crashed there – I was a little too drunk to drive.”

  “Well, at least you weren’t too drunk to use your head.”

  I dropped my eyes in guilt and set the shaker spinning. “Yeah, guess so.”

  She glanced over her shoulder before sinking in the chair across from me. “Is something wrong?”

  I couldn’t tell her. I trusted her implicitly but I had a feeling she might tell Lucas and I couldn’t have that - couldn't do that to Collin. Instead, I turned the tables on her. “I’m a little concerned about Morgan. Do you know something that I should know?”

  “Well,” she said, drawing out the word. “I think – I’m not sure, mind you – that she has a crush on someone. Maybe a little more than a crush."

  “Who?” I asked, my curiosity aroused.

  Biting her lip, she leaned across the table to whisper in conspiratorial fashion. “Collin.”

  Just wonderful, my heart railed. Could my life get any better? I swallowed my shock, hoping I wouldn’t regurgitate it “Oh? Did she tell you that?”

  “No, but she’s been acting really strange every time she’s around the boys,” Irelyn admitted, her cheeks flushing as she awkwardly fiddled with her order pad. “I kind of think that she fantasizes about all of us being with a member of Out Back.”

  I snorted. “You sound like one of your stories.”

  Grinned sheepishly, she shrugged. “Maybe that’s not entirely true but I’m pretty sure she likes Collin.”

  I shook a couple grains of salt on the table to run my finger through, biting back the words I longed to spew. “Why doesn’t she just tell him?”

  “Come on, you know how shy she is.”

  I nodded in agreement as my aching head spun. “Did you tell Lucas?”

  “Yeah,” she sighed as she slid her elbows on the table. “I did. I thought maybe he might talk to Collin or something but Lucas said it was a bad idea.”

  A spark of hope lit up my heart. “Really? Why?”

  She blew a long puff of air at the hair falling out of her pony, hanging in her face. “Well, Lucas said that Collin sort of has a thing for Tori. He said that Collin’s been spending a lot of time with her lately.”

  Wonderful. Just wonderful. Well, that explained a whole lot. That explained his plea to keep our evening a secret from Tori and not just Spencer. I suppressed
the urge to bang my head on the table.

  “How adorably sweet,” I said, a bit of a bite in my voice. “Our little Collin is in love.”

  A deep groove formed on Irelyn’s forehead as she stared at me, frown pulling at her lips. “Don’t you like Tori?”

  “I don’t know,” I sighed. “I don’t know her that well so I can’t really say.”

  “I like her,” Irelyn defended.

  “I know you do,” I said. I heaved another huge sigh and wished for a cigarette even though it’d been at least a year since I last smoked.

  “Let me go check on your food,” she said and nearly fled to the kitchen. I would have laughed if I hadn’t wished I could flee, too. But, I didn’t and I wouldn’t. I didn’t run from things – they ran from me.

  I swept the grains of salt off the table, wishing I would have asked Irelyn to bring my drink. I drummed my fingers on the table as I waited for her to come back – hopefully with the soda.

  “Well, well, well,” a voice drawled behind me. “It’s the other party animal.”

  Groaning, I pasted a sarcastic grin on my face as I turned to Lucas. The grin slipped ever so slightly as I noticed his brother standing next to him.

  “Kiss my ass, Lucas.”

  Lucas smirked and took the seat Irelyn had vacated. Collin shifted his feet uneasily before slipping into a chair between us.

  “You both look like hell,” Lucas continued, ornery glint in his eye. “I saw the bottle of mescal - you two should have just finished what was left and ate the damn worm.”

  Wincing, my stomach rolled as I avoided Collin’s eyes. “I didn’t see your wimpy ass drinking any of it.”

  “I told you, bro,” Collin said quietly, avoiding my eyes like I was doing to his. “I spilled it.”

  I could feel a blush creeping up my cheeks and it pissed me off. I never blushed. And I definitely didn’t need any reminders of the spilled liquor on Collin’s shorts.

  “So, finish off the damn bottle,” Lucas shrugged.

  “Let’s not talk about eating worms, okay?” I suggested. “I’m about to eat real food.”

  Lucas tossed his head back and laughed, deservingly earning a reproachful glare from me. He grinned and winked just as Irelyn slid a plate of food under my nose. She wrapped her arms around Lucas and kissed his cheek.

  “Do you guys want something to eat?”

  “Yeah, bring us what Bailey has,” Lucas said, pointing at my plate. “I think her drinking partner needs the same remedy.”

  “Okay,” Irelyn laughed. “I’ll be right back.”

  Silence descended upon us when Irelyn walked away and tension hovered over my head. I didn’t dare look at Collin – I couldn’t. I wanted to desperately but I didn’t want to remind him of what we’d done and shower him with more guilt.

  Still, I wished I could shake him and punch him or something. How could he love Tori? What was it about her? And then Morgan’s face floated in my mind and I wanted to punch him for her. I wondered and speculated how things had turned around so quickly. What happened to my simple life?

  “Luke, Bailey’s coming with us when we go to Chicago,” Irelyn said after she placed their order and finished with her other customer. She stood next to him, placing a hand on his shoulder.

  Collin’s head shot up and he looked at me with what resembled horror in his eyes. My heart clenched and I pretended not to see.

  “Um, that's not a definite, Irelyn,” I said. “I might go home that weekend.”

  Her brow furrowed. “I thought you were going home next weekend?”

  “I’m not sure yet,” I said as I bent my head over my plate. “Haven’t decided.”

  “Come on,” she wheedled. “Don’t leave me high and dry.”

  “You should go,” Collin said in a low voice. “It’ll be fun.”

  I turned my face to him, confused. I longed to ask him what he meant but didn't - I’d figure it out on my own. “Like I said, I haven’t decided.”

  He nodded and massaged his temples.

  “You two suck at drinking,” Lucas chided.

  I picked up my burger and took a huge bite. “Damn, this is good.”

  Lucas stretched across the table. “Want a shot to go with that?”

  I chewed and swallowed. “Maybe when I’m done.”

  Lucas chuckled. “That’s the spirit.” He glanced at Collin. “How about you, bro?”

  “Never again,” Collin groaned, his fingers still rubbing his head. “Ever.”

  I snorted – couldn’t help it – and he tilted his head enough to raise a brow at me. “Told you I could drink you under the table.”

  He cracked half a grin that made my stomach trembled. “Yeah, whatever.”

  “I think you both are idiots,” Irelyn chastised. “I think you both need to eat something and then go back to bed.”

  It was like I was Collin’s twin for a moment as we both turned identical horrified glares at her. It took me a second to realize what she'd actually meant.

  I drew a long drink of my soda and covered my mouth as I burped quietly.

  “Excellent idea,” I smirked and faked a yawn. Collin studiously ignored me. I just finished my food and asked Irelyn for the check.

  “Sure. I’ll go see if their food is ready and bring back your check,” she said as she hurried away.

  Lucas grinned at me and I had an urge to punch him – just for good measure. He slapped Collin on the back and the look Collin gave him made me believe Collin was thinking along the same lines as me.

  “Lucas, you know I love you and I’m glad my best friend shacked up with you – but you’re an ass,” I said as I pushed my plate away.

  Laughing, he stole a leftover fry. “I know. It’s all part of my charm.” He chewed furiously and grinned again. “You two are far too tense. Maybe you both should go get laid.”

  My jaw fell as Collin scooted away from the table and made a mad dash toward the bathroom. My stunned eyes followed him.

  “He’s going to puke,” Lucas said, amused.

  “Aren’t you going to go check on him?” I asked, my heart thumping.

  “He’s a big boy,” he shrugged.

  Groaning, I shoved away from the table. “Fine. I’ll do it.”

  “He’s in the men’s room, you know,” Lucas smirked.

  “So?” I said as I marched down the narrow hall to the restrooms. I pushed the men’s room door open and the sound of Collin vomiting echoed off the walls.

  “Collin? You okay?”

  “Bailey, I’m fine. Go away,” he groaned.

  I frowned, ignoring his words. They hurt, true, but I needed to make him stop this stupid guilt trip of his.

  “Not going anywhere, sorry.” I peeked under all three stalls until I found him in the last one – the handicap stall. Perfect – more room for two. I kicked the door open, grateful it was unlocked, and stood over him.

  He flushed the toilet and rose shakily to his feet. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and turned to me. “Why are you here?”

  I shrugged. “I had to pee.”

  With a loud groan, he tried to brush past me but I stepped in front of the door.

  “Bailey, I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Too bad, because we are,” I said, anger riling up my digesting cheeseburger. If I wasn’t careful, I’d resume his position and hunch over the bowl, losing my entire lunch. “Look, Collin, get over it. I’m sorry – I shouldn’t have started it. If I would have known you’d be this upset over it I would have just left.”

  His bloodshot eyes finally found mine. “You mean, you intended to sleep with me last night? Is that why you stayed when everyone else left?”

  “No,” I said slowly. “Not at all. I just wanted to hang out. But I shouldn’t have…um…I shouldn’t have started things and once they did start, I should have stopped. I’m sorry. Please, quit taking the blame and feeling all guilty.”

  “I can’t help it. I could have stopped it but I d
idn’t want to,” he said as his eyes dropped to the floor.

  A little bit of arrogance tickled my heart at his words. My hand shook as I reached out and lifted his chin. “Collin,” I said, my voice soft. “This is ridiculous. We were drunk and got carried away. No harm – no foul. No one has to know therefore no one gets hurt.”

  “Lucas already suspects it,” he said, his eyes boring into mine.

  “So? He doesn’t know for sure,” I told him. I stepped closer, an urge to kiss him so strong it was hard to suppress.

  “Come on,” he said with a dark laugh. “He’s not an idiot. He knows you and I were the only ones in the apartment last night.”

  My heart shriveled as anger stirred up the tears that seemed so close to the surface lately. “Oh, so since I was there that automatically means that someone was getting laid?”

  “No, Bailey,” he said, horrified.

  I dropped his chin and yanked the stall door open. “We need to make sure Spencer doesn’t know I was there alone with you or else he’ll know what happened. Same with Tori. And Morgan,” I ranted as I stormed for the door.

  Collin snatched my arm before I could get out of the room. “That is not what I’m saying,” he said through clenched teeth. “Not at all.”

  “Don’t try to sugarcoat it, Collin,” I said with a snarky laugh. I jerked my arm out of his grip. “I know what people think and do you know what? I really don’t give a damn.”

  I spun on my heel and pushed through the door, nearly plowing over a middle-aged man with a shocked face. I composed myself as I approached the table and dug a twenty out of my purse.

  “Give this to your woman for my bill,” I told Lucas as I threw the money at him. “I’ll catch you later.”

  “What’s going on?” he asked, standing to take my arm. “Is Collin all right?”

  “Yeah, he’s fine, don’t worry,” I said with a forced smile. I needed to keep cool or else I’d blow this whole secret – if it was still a secret – by my angry reactions. “I just remembered something I need to do. See you guys later.”

  Lucas released me with a nod and glanced toward the hall that led toward the bathrooms. With a wave, I shuffled out of the diner before Collin reappeared.