Vicious Circles

by JL Paul

  My heart freaked and pounded furiously as though trying to knock some sense into me. It needn’t have worried – I realized how stupid I was to open my mouth. “Hey, I didn’t know you were in love with him – Irelyn told me the next day.”

  Her lips pulled into a thoughtful frown as she slowly nodded. “So, that was the first time?”

  “I…” I said as I gawked at her open-mouthed.

  “But you slept with him the night before Steffi’s party, didn’t you? When you bit him.” She cocked her head and waited for my answer.

  I blew a long breath of air. “Yeah.”

  She jumped to her feet. “Damn it, Bailey. How could you do that?”

  “Hang on,” I said as I, too, stood. “You don’t love him – you just said so.”

  “That is totally beside the point! You didn’t know that. You thought I was in love with him and you still slept with him! How could you do that?”

  My head was spinning wild circles. I could see exactly what she meant but then I couldn’t. I was at a total loss for words and at a loss for what to do. “Morg…”

  “Save it!” she screamed as she stormed across the room. “Just…ugh!” She jerked the door open and let it slam behind her.

  I sank into the chair, my hangover headache reappearing with a vengeance. What the hell was I going to do now?

  Chapter Thirteen

  I mulled the argument with Morgan for the next few days - especially while I sat in the lifeguard chair and watched over the pool. Yes, I knew I had been wrong to sleep with Collin when I thought Morgan was in love with him but she was blowing things entirely out of proportion.

  I tried to sort things out and find a place to put them all so maybe I could be better prepared when I next had the chance to speak to her, but I was failing miserably. And Morgan was totally avoiding me. She came and went while I was gone and didn’t sleep in her bed. I wasn’t sure where she was staying and I couldn’t even call Irelyn to ask if she knew.

  Life was definitely a bitch.

  And to top it all off, I hadn’t heard from Collin since he'd called Monday night to see how I was feeling and if things were better with Morgan. I’d given him an edited version of the argument – doing what I could to keep him from feeling like he needed to be involved. But once that conversation had ended, it was like he’d dropped off the face of the earth. Maybe he was tired of all the drama. I certainly was.

  I was grateful for Otis’s company for I’d have been extremely lonely in that condo by myself. I rained affection on him and took him with me wherever I went. He seemed to be the only friend I had left.

  Thursday afternoon, I took Otis to the local dog park and watched him romp with the other dogs while I enjoyed the shade of a huge oak tree. My eyes glazed over as I stared out into the enclosure and contemplated – again – what to do. I briefly entertained the notion of calling Spencer and sitting him down for a nice little chat. Maybe if I straightened things out with him – gave him a little closure – maybe he’d take Morgan out.

  I bent to rest my elbows on my knees and cradled my head in my hands. I couldn’t force Spencer to love Morgan any more than I could force Collin to love me. What a sad, silly, pathetic mess this whole situation had become. What the hell was going on, anyway?

  I sat back to tick points off my finger, not caring if the other dog lovers thought me strange. They could all bite my ass.

  The first tick was Morgan. She loved Spencer. But, enter second tick, Spencer loved me. Then, thirdly, me – I loved Collin. And fourth, Collin. He loved Tori. Possibly. I wasn’t totally sure about that at all. How could he willingly sleep with me if he loved another? Collin didn’t work that way. At least, I didn’t think so. Maybe he didn’t love me, but I was beginning to wonder if he loved Tori.

  I groaned and grabbed the leash that I’d dropped to the bench beside me. I wasn’t solving anything here at all. I whistled for Otis and smiled when he lifted his head, pricked his ears, and happily loped over to me. I clipped the leash on his collar and led him out of the fence. He trotted beside me as we made our way back to the condo.

  ***

  Morgan was once again sitting on the sofa when we returned. I nearly fell back out the door – almost as if she was some kind of spirit that had come to haunt me – but I managed to compose myself and unclip Otis. He ran to her and she greeted him warmly. I hung the leash on the handle of the coat closet, kicked off my flip flops, and sank to my favorite chair.

  “What’s up, Morgan?” I asked in a cool voice. “Haven’t seen you all week.”

  “I’ve been around,” she said, straightening as she watched Otis trot to the kitchen for a drink.

  “Around where?” I inquired.

  “I’m moving out, Bailey,” she said stiffly. “I’m renting an apartment above the bookstore.”

  I blanched as my insides iced over and briefly stopped the flow of blood to my brain. I scrambled to think – to speak. “What?” was all I could manage.

  “I’m leaving,” she said, her confidence growing at the lack of mine. “I’ve already moved a lot of my things and I just came back to get the rest and to let you know.”

  “That’s really crappy,” I said. Her astonished eyes grew as she gaped at me. My voice returned and I wasn’t about to pass up the opportunity to use it. “We have an argument and you just up and leave? You run? Why not stick around and try to settle it, huh?”

  “You wouldn’t understand,” she muttered.

  “So make me,” I demanded. “Make me understand. Don’t be a coward, Morgan – you’re better than that.”

  She shook her head. “No, I am the coward. I’m not like you.”

  “Don’t start that,” I said.

  “I’m not starting anything. This is more about me than it is about you.”

  Her words made no sense whatsoever. “That’s sort of funny, Morg, when just the other day you were screaming at me for being a whore.”

  “No!” she said as she covered her mouth. “No. I didn’t say that.”

  “Whatever. That’s neither here or there. Why are you moving? The truth.”

  “I told you – you wouldn’t understand,” she insisted.

  The door opened and Irelyn stepped shyly inside. She flashed me a weak smile as she shut the door and shifted nervously from foot to foot.

  “Hey, Irelyn,” I said in a sarcastically cheerful voice. “Come in and join the fray.”

  “Fray?” she asked as a crease furrowed her brow. “What’s going on here?”

  “Morgan is leaving,” I said sweeping my hand toward the sofa in a grand gesture. “She no longer sees fit to live with me. Apparently she can’t stand the sight of me anymore.”

  “That’s not true,” Morgan objected. “It’s just that…well…it’s hard to live here now.”

  “Why?” Irelyn asked as she sat gingerly next to Morgan. “What’s the matter?”

  Morgan nibbled on her lip and laced her fingers together on her lap. She crossed her ankles, uncrossed them, and then crossed them again. She glanced at Irelyn then dropped her eyes. “It’s personal.”

  “And we’re all friends here,” Irelyn said, wrapping an arm around Morgan’s shoulders. “Tell us.”

  “I don’t fit in with you two,” Morgan blurted.

  I bolted upright, ready to rage. What the hell was she thinking? “What?”

  “Hang on, Bailey,” Irelyn said, holding up a hand. She turned to Morgan and gave her shoulders a gentle squeeze. “What do you mean you don’t fit in?”

  Morgan shook Irelyn’s arm off and stood so she could pace, wringing her hands the entire time. A flush invaded her face and made her look so innocent and vulnerable it actually tugged at my heart.

  “You two are so different from me,” she explained lamely. “I’m not like you. I don’t…do the things you two do.”

  “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I demanded.

  “I don’t mean it in a bad way,” she said. “I just don’t relax the
way you do.”

  “So, because Bailey and I have…well, we’ve engaged in sex without being in a proper relationship, that makes you totally different from us?” Irelyn said. I could see the struggle on her face to remain calm.

  “Something like that,” she mumbled. “You two have so much in common.”

  “So what you’re saying is that Irelyn and I are a couple of whores and you’re not,” I said, angry.

  “Bailey,” Irelyn said, shooting me a look.

  I ignored it. I was still mad at her, too, and even though Morgan lumped me and Irelyn together, it didn’t automatically make us best friends again. “No, Irelyn, I want her to explain. Maybe we’re not as moral as she is but that doesn’t make us bad people.”

  “Bailey,” Morgan said, astounded. “How can you stand there and say that?”

  “Easy,” I snorted as I narrowed my eyes and took a few steps toward her. “I opened my mouth and let the words fall out.”

  But Morgan didn’t back down. She jabbed a finger at me. “See? That’s what I mean. You don’t care about my feelings at all.”

  “Of course I do,” I said, my loose grip on composure slipping through my fingers. “Do you know how much guilt I’ve eaten because of you?”

  “Apparently not enough,” Morgan spit back, finally realizing she had a spine. “You slept with Collin after you found out I was in love with him. Well, supposedly in love with him.”

  “Oh, damn,” Irelyn cursed, massaging her forehead. She lifted her eyes to meet mine. “You told her?”

  I shrugged. “She figured it out. But relax, she’s in love with Spencer – not Collin.”

  Irelyn’s eyes grew to the size of hubcaps. “Really? Oh wow. I didn’t see that. Well, that makes things easier.”

  “The hell it does,” Morgan argued. “Don’t you see, Irelyn? You two thought I was in love with Collin and Bailey still slept with him. After she found out that I was supposedly in love with him! She didn’t care how I’d feel. She gave no thought to me whatsoever.”

  “But, Morgan,” Irelyn said. “Okay, I can sort of see what you’re saying, but what does it matter now? You don’t love Collin.”

  “It’s the principle of the thing. What if I had been in love with Collin? Can you imagine how I’d feel? Betrayed by my best friend.”

  “She’s in love with him, too!” Irelyn exclaimed. “And I know what it’s like. I know how hard it is to deny those feelings. They make you unable to resist. You just want to be with him all the time – no matter who gets hurt. That love is so strong that you’ll move heaven and earth to be with him.”

  I had to grin at Irelyn – she finally got it. She finally had some sense knocked into her blonde head and realized that I felt for Collin like she did Lucas. Oh, I was still angry with her but she was trying to apologize to me in a way she knew I would approve – I hated sappy make up scenes.

  “I knew you’d take her side,” Morgan snipped. “I just knew it. You two always have it so easy – beautiful Irelyn and sexy Bailey who have men falling at their feet. You two can laugh and bond over all this while plain, quiet Morgan sits in the corner and laps it all up knowing it will never happen to her. But you two don’t care. No, not at all. But when you need someone to talk to or someone to listen to you vent, then you call dependable Morgan who will listen and try to offer advice. But do you take it? Hell no! Because Morgan’s advice is moral and you two would rather deal with it in your own way.”

  She drew a long, hard breath, her body shuddering. I could see the tears gathering in her eyes and sure enough, a couple tumbled to her cheeks. My heart ached for her.

  “I don’t fit in,” she said, her voice quite a few octaves lower. She swiped angrily at her tears and picked up the bag she’d placed near the door. She slipped the strap over her shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

  She walked out before Irelyn or I could think to stop her.

  “What…” Irelyn stammered. “What the hell just happened here?”

  “Got me,” I said as I got up to go the kitchen. I grabbed two bottles of water and returned to the living room. I handed one to Irelyn before I sat in my chair and twisted off the top. “She’s a little emotional.”

  “What happened?” Irelyn asked. She fiddled with the cap of her bottle but didn’t remove it. The bottle shook slightly in her hands.

  “She told me that she wasn’t in love with Collin that she was, in fact, in love with Spencer.” I paused to gauge Irelyn’s reaction and I wasn’t disappointed. “And, Spencer’s been talking to her. I guess she must have said something about the two of them and he told her that he couldn’t be with her because of me.”

  “Damn,” Irelyn muttered. “Damn.”

  “Yeah,” I shrugged like I didn’t care when in fact I actually did. A little too much. “Then, when she grilled me about Collin I admitted everything. But, I let it slip that we thought she was in love with Collin and she went ballistic when she found out I'd slept with him after the fact.”

  “Yeah, I got that,” Irelyn said.

  “So, I get the Worst Friend of the Year award,” I said.

  “Bailey,” Irelyn pleaded. “No. I should get that. I’m really sorry about the other day. I…” she heaved a huge sigh and studied the carpet while she gathered her thoughts. “You were right about a lot of things. I guess I judged you before I took a long look at my past. Look what I did? What right did I have to say those things to you?”

  “You were trying to protect Morgan.”

  It was her turn to snort. “A fat good that did, huh?”

  I laughed.

  “The thing is, I totally understand what happened. Maybe neither of us did the right thing, but I understand how you feel. How much in love you can be and how those feelings just take over and you can’t think rationally. If you feel anything for Collin that I do for Lucas, then I know.”

  “Thanks,” I said, shaking my head as I turned my face. I hated the awkward apology. I knew she hadn’t meant what she'd said – hell probably knew it right after she'd said it. It was cool.

  “So, what do we do now?” she asked.

  “Kiss and make up?” I suggested.

  She barked a shaky laugh. “I mean about Morgan.”

  “Hell. That’s the million dollar question. I do not know.”

  “Did she say where she was going?” Irelyn asked, her face stricken and her pretty eyes full of concern. It was hurting her as bad as it was me. The fact of the matter was that even though Morgan was different than me and Irelyn, we were still friends. We all three meshed well together. And Irelyn and I weren’t as alike as Morgan made it out to be. Hell, Lucas and Collin were twins but they were still two different personalities.

  “She’s renting an apartment above the bookstore,” I said.

  “Well, I guess we should let her cool off then maybe try again?” she asked more than stated.

  “It’s as good a plan as any,” I said.

  I finished my water and squeezed the bottle, relishing the crunching sound in my fist. Maybe I needed a gym membership so I could go beat the hell out of a punching bag – it might relieve my stress.

  “What are you going to do about Collin?” she asked.

  “Don’t know,” I said.

  “I know you spent the night with him Sunday night,” she said, trying to hide a smile. “What happened?”

  “Ha,” I laughed. “Nothing. I went out and tied one on and when I couldn’t drive, I called him. He shoved me in a shower – no sex you pervert,” I said with a grin. She blushed and smiled. “Then he tucked me in his bed and let me sleep it off.”

  I frowned as I remembered the next morning and his mysterious conversation with Tori.

  “Is that all?”

  “Yep,” I said, not wanting to discuss the Tori scene only because I didn’t want to relive it myself. “That’s all. No hanky panky – just hangover cures.”

  She bobbed her head and finally took a drink of her water. I watched her but didn’t really see her.
A plan was sort of forming in my head. Well, maybe not a plan but an idea of where to get started.

  “Hey, do you think I should talk to Spencer?” I asked.

  “I don’t know,” she frowned. “What will you say?”

  Another million dollar question. I wished fervently that I had answers for then I’d be able to quit school and live on my own and never have to ask my father for another cent. Hell, I wouldn’t even need my trust fund.

  “Well, I could probably start with Morgan. Maybe I could convince him that he should date her. I know you can’t force people to feel things they don’t but maybe he doesn’t want to date her because he thinks I’ll be upset.”

  “That’s true,” she said.

  “Yeah,” I agreed but it didn’t really sound all that feasible. What if he was using me as an excuse so that he didn’t hurt her? “Do you know what bugs me the most?” I said as a thought flew in my head.

  “What?”

  “Why he cried on her shoulder. Why didn’t he talk to Luke or Collin?” I asked. Irelyn offered no answer and I didn’t expect her to. “And is he really all in love with me? We both agreed that we’d keep things simple when we first started seeing each other. We both agreed that it wouldn’t get serious. He said he didn’t want a serious relationship.”

  “Maybe things changed,” Irelyn offered softly.

  “Then why didn’t he tell me?” I asked.

  She drew a deep breath and released it slowly. “Probably because of your agreement to keep it simple. Maybe he was afraid to tell you that he felt more than what you thought he did.”

  That made perfect sense – especially to me. Wasn’t I the expert at hiding behind a mask? Didn’t I want to keep people guessing at what I was really feeling? Would I want someone prodding into my heart?

  “Should I speak to him, I wonder?” I mused aloud. “I don’t really want to hurt Spencer anymore than I already have.”

  “I agree,” Irelyn said. “But, I also agree that maybe you should speak to him. I just worry that he might figure out that you slept with Collin.”