by Jo Ramsey
“I don’t know.” She gave me a quick smile. “I don’t know what I was going to say. You aren’t mad, are you?”
“No.”
The whole time I’d been there, she and I had been comfortable together. Now, though, something changed. Some tension that hadn’t been present before. With neither of us talking, I felt so awkward I wanted to run out of the room.
I wanted to hug Holly. And some little stupid voice in the back of my brain insisted if I did that, she would take it wrong, and either she would reject me, or we’d end up with a situation I might not know how to handle.
The biggest problem with what that stupid voice said was that if I hugged Holly, she wouldn’t take it wrong. She would take it exactly right. I liked her. She was cute and funny, and other than the whole genitalia thing, she was totally the kind of person I would date, not only sleep with. The kind of person I simply wanted to be around. And because of that, the genitalia thing wasn’t at all important.
So I stopped listening to the little voice, and when Holly turned around with empty hands, I put my arms around her. And before I could stop myself, I touched my lips to hers. Not a long kiss, because I really wasn’t ready for that with another girl, but a kiss all the same.
She pulled back enough to look me in the eye, and for a moment I was terrified that I’d screwed up. I’d misread her signals or been too pushy, or she didn’t like me as any more than a friend. Just because she was into girls didn’t mean she was into me.
But then her eyes lit up, and she smiled, and my panicky fluttery stomach stopped. At least she wasn’t telling me I was an idiot.
“Um, okay.” She blushed. “I didn’t expect that.”
“I kind of didn’t either,” I admitted. I let go of her, because now that I’d kissed her, holding her felt weird. “Um, not that I didn’t mean it. I just didn’t plan it.”
“You’re straight.” She looked confused. “I mean, you always go out with guys, unless there’s gossip that hasn’t gone around.”
“I start my own gossip about my dating life.” I grinned. “You haven’t missed anything. I go out with guys because they’re easier to get along with. Most of the girls I know can smile at you and then stab you in the back the second you turn around. Even if I thought any of the girls I used to hang out with were interested, I don’t trust them enough.”
“So you’re bi?” She shook her head. “Sorry. I sound like I just don’t get it. That’s because I pretty much don’t.”
I laughed. The conversation was getting way uncomfortable, and I didn’t know what else to do. “I don’t really get it either, so don’t feel bad. The whole label thing isn’t necessary, as far as I’m concerned. Usually I hook up with guys. Right now, I’m not interested in any guys, and I am interested in a girl. So it is what it is.”
My heart was beating faster than I could remember it ever doing, and I didn’t believe half of what I said. About the only true part was that I didn’t get it. I didn’t understand why I was suddenly liking a girl, or why Holly out of all the girls I knew. I managed to make it out to be no big deal, but it was. It was a huge deal.
“Labels are for soup cans,” Holly said. “I mean, some people label because it makes them feel better to have a name for how they feel, but that doesn’t mean everyone has to label everything.”
“Right.” I let out a long breath. Out of everything I’d said, she was focusing on the part about labels. I was okay with that. It was the most neutral topic.
She turned back to the counter and started moving food from the takeout containers to the plastic ones.
“I’m kind of….” She trailed off and sighed. “I don’t know what to say right now. I mean, we already said I didn’t ask you over here to make a move on you or anything.”
“And then I screw it up by making a move on you?” I made it a question because I wanted her to answer. I needed her to tell me I hadn’t ruined our friendship.
“No!” She looked at me again. “I didn’t say you screwed anything up. I’m just trying to figure out what happened and how I feel about it. I’m not going to say I’m not attracted to you. This isn’t how I figured things would go between us, though. I mean, I didn’t think things would go between us at all.”
“Yeah.” I leaned against the counter. My legs shook so much I figured having something holding me up would be a smart idea. “Like I said, I didn’t plan to kiss you. I just kind of did it. If you only want to be friends, that’s cool. That’s what we’ve been, right?”
“Yeah.” She quirked the corners of her mouth. “We’re definitely friends. I just don’t know about being anything more right now. I haven’t exactly considered it, because I didn’t think it was anything that might ever happen.”
“Okay.”
I wasn’t sure whether she was saying she wanted time to think it over, or was just plain turning me down, and the fact that I couldn’t figure it out annoyed me. With guys, I’d never been the shy, nervous, uncertain type. There was no reason to be. If I liked a guy, I told him I liked him and asked him to get together. We might go out, or we might just find a place to fool around, depending on whether I was more interested in his brain or his body. Guys never minded what we did. They were usually happy to have my attention, and I hadn’t met a straight guy yet who would pass up sex if a girl offered it.
With Holly, I couldn’t offer sex to get her interested. I didn’t think it would be too complicated to sort out how sex would work with another girl. We had the same body parts, and I knew what felt good when I did it to myself. I could start with that. But sex wasn’t the only thing I wanted with Holly, and I wasn’t ready to go there yet.
So instead of being confident, doesn’t-give-a-damn Chastaine, I was standing there with heated cheeks and butterflies flapping around in my gut and absolutely nothing to say.
Holly finished packing up the leftovers and stacked the containers to carry to the fridge. I opened the fridge door for her, since her hands were full, and she flashed me another smile before she arranged the containers among a lot of other things on the shelves.
She closed the fridge and took a deep breath. “I haven’t even tried having a girlfriend before. Like I said, almost no one knows I’m not straight, and Nathan and I pretend we’re dating so people won’t guess. He doesn’t even know about me. I guess I should tell him. He told me about himself.”
“You tell whoever you’re comfortable telling.”
A car horn blared in front of the house. Long and loud, as if someone were leaning on the horn. We hurried into the other room and looked out the front window.
I groaned. “My brother. Mom and Dad must have sent him to retrieve me.”
“Wouldn’t they have called you?” Holly said.
“I shut off my phone so I wouldn’t have to deal with them, but I called first and left a message saying I’d be here.” I opened the door and waved so Marcus would stop blowing the damn horn. “I guess I’m leaving.”
“Sounds like it.” Holly picked up my purse and jacket and brought them to me. “Thanks for hanging out.”
“Thanks for asking.” I hesitated, feeling like I should say something more. I didn’t want to push anything, though, and everything that came to mind was about the kiss and where things should go from there.
Holly didn’t seem to have a problem being pushy. “Did you kiss me because you’re interested, or because you wanted to see what it would be like?”
“I wouldn’t kiss anyone just out of curiosity.” I was irked that she would even think so. “I’m interested, okay? But I don’t want things to get weird, and I’d rather stay just friends if trying to be more is going to mess things up.”
“Can we think about it?” She tilted her head and blushed again.
“Yeah. We can talk Monday or something.” My heart gave a little jump. I didn’t even know why the hell I was having this conversation, but it was working out pretty well, and I probably didn’t need to figure out why.
“Sou
nds good.” She gave me a quick hug and stepped back. “See you.”
“See you.” I didn’t want to leave, but I knew if I didn’t walk out the door in the next few seconds, Marcus would start with the damn car horn again.
When I got into the car, Marcus said, “Mom isn’t too happy with you.”
“I told her where I was going.” I fastened my seat belt as he started driving. “I left a message, anyway.”
“Yeah, that’s how I knew where to pick you up.” He glanced at me. “She tried to call you more than once, and when you didn’t answer your phone, she kind of freaked out.”
“Sorry.” I didn’t know why I was saying it to him. Mom was the one I needed to apologize to.
“What were you doing?”
“Watching a movie and eating Chinese food.” I almost told him I’d kissed Holly. Out of all of my family, Marcus was the one who was most likely to understand. But I still didn’t dare to say it. Some things were better off kept private.
“And you couldn’t answer your phone?” he demanded. “I’m supposed to be hanging out with my friends right now, and instead I’m tracking you down. I wasn’t even home. I was on the other side of Boston.”
“Why didn’t Mom or Dad come pick me up, if they’re so worried?” There was no way I would feel guilty about Marcus missing out on his plans. I wasn’t the one who’d made him come all the way out here to find me.
“They’re going out to dinner with one of Dad’s gym buddies and his wife. They thought you’d be home by now.”
That still didn’t totally explain why my parents had sent Marcus to get me instead of doing it themselves, but half the things my parents did made no sense to me. It wasn’t worth asking about.
“Did they already leave?” I asked instead.
“Probably. They were about to walk out the door when they asked me to pick you up. In case you didn’t notice, it’s kind of getting dark.” He waved at the windshield. “Late. They didn’t want you walking home alone.”
“Holly’s house isn’t that far from ours.” Of course my parents would decide to get overprotective again. Nothing was likely to happen to me walking home from a friend’s house. The only bad thing so far had happened at a friend’s house, by the loose definition of “friend” that Jim had fit before he’d decided he had a right to make me pay for having other guys check me out at the beach.
“Mom and Dad are worried about you.” He sighed and turned the final corner onto our street. “You barely talk to your old friends anymore. You’ve been hiding out in your room most of the time. Mom’s friends with you online, in case you’ve forgotten. She’s seen some of the things people post.”
“Shit.” I hadn’t forgotten that Mom had insisted on friending me. I’d just assumed she didn’t pay attention to what was posted, since she never mentioned anything.
“Yeah, that’s one way to put it.” Marcus drove into our driveway. Mom’s car was in the open garage, but Dad’s was gone. “Plus that other girl tried to kill herself, and Gina got suspended for something she did to you that Mom won’t actually tell me about. They’re afraid you’re going to either hurt yourself or be hurt by someone else.”
“I’m not going to do anything that stupid.” I rolled my eyes. I understood why people would worry. Maryellen had tried to kill herself, and she and I had the same stuff going on in our lives. But even though I’d thought about it, I’d never tried anything like that and didn’t plan to.
I didn’t bother telling Marcus I thought Maryellen was stupid for what she’d done. Even if Maryellen hated me, I didn’t want to be harsh when it came to her. I completely got how she must have been feeling to do something so extreme, and I didn’t blame her for what she’d done. It just hadn’t been a way to solve anything.
“Yeah, you’re too frigging stubborn for that, I think.” He shut off the car and stuck the keys in his jacket pocket. “I promised the parents I’d stick around here for a while.”
“What about your plans?” The last thing I needed was a babysitter, especially one who would resent me for messing up his Saturday night.
“You’re more important than clubbing.” He glared at me. “You actually think I’m going to be like, okay, you’re home, have fun being alone?”
“No, but I think you wanted to go out and have fun, not babysit your kid sister who’s too old to need babysitting.”
He rolled his eyes. “Let’s go in and argue there. It’s getting too cold out here.”
There was no point in telling him I didn’t need him around. He still officially lived there anyway, so I couldn’t exactly tell him not to go in. I followed him through the back door and into the kitchen, where he turned on lights and opened the fridge. “Damn. Mom forgot to do the shopping again?”
“She bought some stuff. People must have eaten it already.”
“I know you don’t need a babysitter.” He closed the fridge and opened one of the cupboards. “You do need someone to talk to, though. Mom’s mostly worried because you don’t tell her anything. You don’t tell her about the posts online. I know how high school works, and I’m pretty sure there are some nasty things going on there that you also haven’t told her about.”
“Why am I going to make her worry even more?” I sat at the island. The Chinese food I’d eaten with Holly, which had stayed in my stomach pretty well so far, started rebelling. I breathed in through my nose and out through my mouth the way Kendra had taught me. She claimed it helped with nausea and anxiety. It didn’t really, but it was better than doing nothing.
“She worries when she doesn’t know what’s going on,” Marcus said. “When she has a clue, she can go into problem-solving mode, and then she doesn’t worry as much.”
“Because that makes sense.” I was being sarcastic, but that was usually Mom’s way of coping with things. Having a specific problem to think about made her feel like she was in control.
“It doesn’t have to make sense. It’s the way Mom is.” He closed the cupboard. “There is not a damn thing in this house that I want to eat. I’m going to order pizza. You want anything?”
“I ate at Holly’s.”
He studied me. “You did?”
“Chinese. You want the whole menu?” Of course he didn’t believe me. If Mom and Dad had been telling him they were worried, he wouldn’t believe anything I said about food.
“No, I don’t need the menu.” He took out his cell and called in his order to the usual takeout place.
I wanted to go to my room, but I had the feeling Marcus wouldn’t be too happy about it. He was supposed to keep an eye on me, after all. That probably meant having me in sight. Maybe it wouldn’t matter. He seemed as annoyed about this as I was. But I didn’t want to take a chance on getting into an argument with him, so I just went into the living room and sat on the couch.
Chapter 11
THE REST of the weekend was completely typical—in other words, boring. Sunday afternoon, I dared to log into my social media accounts. Naturally I found some of the “slut” messages, but I also had messages and wall posts congratulating me because Jim had pled guilty. And one from Brittany thanking me for visiting Maryellen.
I wasn’t naïve enough to think people would stop harassing me now, but at least it looked as though I had some support.
Monday morning, I managed to eat a piece of toast and drink some orange juice before I left. Mom beamed at me like I’d won the Nobel Prize or something. I ignored it the way I’d ignored Marcus most of Saturday night.
Holly and I hadn’t talked since Saturday, and I’d had time to decide I shouldn’t have kissed her. With guys, I didn’t have to talk about feelings and stuff, but with Holly I probably should have. More than that, I should have made sure it was okay to kiss her. I hadn’t forced her or anything like that, but I’d made one hell of an assumption.
Then again, it wasn’t as if I’d made out with her. I’d barely even touched her lips. And she hadn’t acted like she minded. She hadn’t really said much o
f anything except she needed time to think.
I could stop hanging out with her if things were too awkward, but I really didn’t want to. She was the closest friend I had now, and if I lost her, I wouldn’t have anyone to talk to. That would really suck.
Holly, Evan, and Nathan were sitting in the donut shop when I walked in. I got my usual coffee and decided to try a donut along with it. I wasn’t exactly hungry after the toast and OJ, but even though I was nervous about seeing Holly, my stomach felt like it would cooperate with more food.
Holly was next to Evan, so I sat beside Nathan. He smelled like too much cologne. Evan had changed his hair color again, this time to a random mix of green and purple, and he wore a purple shirt with a green scarf.
Holly was wearing one of the shirts I’d given her under her usual clunky winter coat. I couldn’t help smiling. “You look good.”
“Thanks.” She gave me a little smile and took a sip of whatever she was drinking.
I couldn’t tell if she was embarrassed or trying to downplay my compliment. Either way, it sucked. I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable. I didn’t want to be uncomfortable either, but I’d kind of gotten used to feeling that way.
“So the worm turned, huh?” Evan said.
“What?” I blinked at him. He often didn’t make a whole lot of sense. It was actually one of the things I liked about him. He kept my brain working.
“Gina,” he said. “During Homecoming week she was your partner in crime, and now she’s turned against you. People suck.”
“Oh.” I’d mostly stopped thinking about Gina. There wasn’t any point now that our friendship was totally over. I kind of suspected Mom and Jane’s was as well, though Mom tended to be a lot more forgiving than I was.
“People are always going to suck,” Nathan said.
“Yeah, so why are we acting like this is news?” Holly glared at Nathan.
“I didn’t bring it up,” he protested.
“I enjoy thinking about the fact that some people suck. It soothes me.” Evan grinned at me. “Sorry, Chastaine. I’ll be more than happy to change the subject.”
