by Jo Ramsey
“It isn’t bothering me. I don’t care about her.” I was pretty sure I meant it. “They found out she did it. She got suspended, and who knows what the police did? She vandalized school property, and she was bullying Maryellen and me, so I’m pretty sure something happened to her. Not my problem.”
“Where’s Guillermo?” Holly asked.
I looked at her. She looked out the window. I didn’t know if she was uncomfortable with me or the topic, but either way, she clearly didn’t want to talk about Gina anymore.
Guillermo showed up a few minutes later, and Nathan and I squeezed over to make room for him to sit across from Evan. The conversation turned to sports and the one-act play the drama club was preparing. I had no chance to talk to Holly about the kiss or anything else. Even when we walked from the shop to school, the guys kept chatting, and Holly walked beside Evan instead of me.
Something was different about school that day. I didn’t catch on to it until third block. No one was talking to me or whispering when I walked down the hall. I was wearing my usual type of outfit, tight skinny jeans and a low-cut shirt with the highest heels I could manage to walk in with all the slush and ice on the sidewalks. No one commented on it.
I almost felt like I didn’t exist. I couldn’t decide whether that was better or worse than being talked about and insulted.
By fourth block, I felt kind of paranoid, and it was a day when I didn’t have lunch with any of my current friends. I sat at a table by myself and poked at the hamburger and carrot sticks I’d chosen. I wasn’t hungry, partly thanks to my donut and partly because I couldn’t stop wondering what the hell was going on. Even when people were blaming me and getting on my case about turning Jim in, they had at least acknowledged my existence. Today, I felt like they were shunning me or something, and I didn’t really know how to deal with it.
About halfway through lunch period, El-Al and her friend Tracie joined me. In the past, I would have called Tracie my friend, but we’d never actually been close. We’d just gone to the same parties and were part of the same crowd.
They sat on either side of me, since we were at a round table, and didn’t say a word. Usually I wouldn’t have cared, but after everyone else not saying a word to me all day, I couldn’t take the silence.
“Do you want something, or am I a zoo exhibit?” I said, trying for the Chastaine bravado I’d lost lately.
“People have been shitty to you,” El-Al said.
“Brilliant news flash. Why do you feel the need to bring it to my attention?” I poked at my carrots again. I hadn’t actually managed to eat anything, but I was trying to make it look as if I had.
“They shouldn’t have been,” Tracie said. “It’s one thing for them to call you slut. I mean, that isn’t cool, but you’ve always kind of encouraged it.”
“Yeah, because I’m not ashamed of liking sex. It isn’t a bad thing.” I didn’t care what Tracie thought of that statement. El-Al had heard me say it before.
“Right, but it’s different when they’re saying it because someone hurt you and they don’t believe it happened.” Tracie hesitated. “I came over here to tell you I said a couple of things online to you. I wish I hadn’t. I’m sorry.”
I could have flipped out on her. I should have been really pissed. But I didn’t care enough anymore to even react. She was one of many who’d said crappy things. Losing my temper at her wouldn’t do anything about all the others.
“Why’d you do it?” I asked. “Did you figure it was okay because I’m just a lying whore, like some of the others said?”
“I don’t know what the hell I was thinking.” She bit her lip. “Actually, I kind of do, and it sounds really awful. I was thinking at least they weren’t saying it to me. Something like that happened to me a couple years ago, before we moved here. I never told anyone. Seeing the way they all treated you, I was glad I didn’t say anything.”
I never would have guessed Tracie had gone through the same kind of thing as me. She covered it well.
Then again, so did I, or at least I had until Guillermo had figured it out.
“That sucks,” I said.
“I was partying,” she said. “He was cute. I figured we could make out and I’d have something to brag about, but he didn’t want to stop at making out. I never saw him again after that, so I kind of made myself forget.”
“I know how that is.” I looked at El-Al. “Are you her moral support?”
“I’m your friend. I think.” She looked uncertain. “I’d like to be your friend again. I know I’ve severely sucked at it lately, but you didn’t deserve any of this. And hearing about Maryellen…. That could have been you.”
“Yeah.”
“Anyway, I don’t know why I told you that,” Tracie said. “I guess I just wanted to say I was wrong to do that to you. People could have said the same things against me, and I was stupid to try to make myself feel better by making you feel bad. I don’t even know why I did it.”
“Same reason as everyone else, probably.” I thought about what she’d told me. I wasn’t going to be all happy-huggy forgiveness, even though that was probably what she hoped for. I understood why she’d made comments to me, though I didn’t remember what any of those comments had been. I didn’t even remember seeing her post anything on my wall or send me any messages, so if she’d done it, I’d either blocked it out or she had posted anonymously. But that didn’t mean I was okay with finding out about it. I wasn’t angry, but I was definitely not happy.
“I guess it was because everyone else did it.” Tracie grimaced. “Like I said. Awful reasons. Anyway, I’m really sorry. I’d like to be friends if you accept my apology.”
“I’ll think about it.” I wasn’t going to cut her the slack she obviously wanted. She couldn’t just tell me she’d been part of the backstabbing brigade and expect immediate forgiveness and forgetting.
She nodded. “Okay. I’m going to go finish my lunch.”
“See you,” I said.
She hesitated as if she expected me to say something else. I didn’t, and she left the table.
El-Al stayed. “I heard Maryellen’s not coming back here.”
“That’s what she told me. I visited her Saturday, but she only let me stay long enough to tell me she didn’t want to see me.” My heart sank when I remembered that. I still wished I’d been more supportive of Maryellen, but from what she’d said, she wouldn’t have accepted my support even if I’d offered it. And that made me feel even worse than not offering it.
“You told me,” El-Al said. “I called you, remember?”
“Oh.” That made me feel pretty stupid. El-Al’s mall invitation had gotten lost in my memory somewhere underneath everything else. “Yeah. Sorry. It’s been a weird day, and I think my brain’s gone on vacation.”
“You mean weird because it’s quiet?” she asked.
“In the sense that you and Tracie are the first people who’ve spoken to me in a few hours, yeah.” I pushed my tray away. There was no chance I’d be able to actually eat now.
“I don’t know who started it, but people have been sharing it,” she said. “Someone posted that we’re all attempted murderers because of Maryellen, and that if we kept it up someone might actually die. Not like a threat, but like we would cause a death by bullying.”
“You didn’t post anything nasty, did you?” I hadn’t seen anything at all from El-Al online, though that didn’t mean she hadn’t posted anything about Maryellen. It didn’t even mean she hadn’t posted about me.
“‘We’ meaning people at this school in general.” She looked at my tray. “You didn’t eat anything.”
“I had a big breakfast.” I paused. “Someone said that? About bullies being murderers?”
“Yeah, and a lot of people agreed.” She shrugged. “Like I said, I don’t know who started it, but it’s like with the insults and everything in the first place. One person starts it and everyone else jumps on board. They don’t even necessarily agree with wh
at they’re saying, but they say it because everyone else is, the way Tracie said.”
“Mob mentality.” We’d done a lesson on that in history class. “Yeah. I don’t care why anyone’s been saying what they’ve been saying. The point is it caused problems for me and for Maryellen, and now Maryellen won’t be back here. I wouldn’t let people drive me out of school, but I don’t blame her for leaving.” I didn’t want to mention all the times I’d begged to do online school.
Which reminded me I would have to tell my parents to forget about sending me to Leigh-Anne’s school. Even if things had only calmed down temporarily, I didn’t want to leave my school now. I was with most of the same kids I’d been in school with since kindergarten. Even if some of them had turned out to be jerks, that didn’t mean I wanted to go someplace where I didn’t know anyone at all except a cousin I didn’t really get along with.
One of the cafeteria monitors waved her arms over her head. The bell didn’t ring to signal the end of the lunch periods, since other students were in class during that time and someone had decided it would be too distracting. So the monitors had to get the attention of a hundred or more students who didn’t actually want to finish their lunches and go back to class.
“I have to take care of my stuff,” El-Al said. “Do you want to come over after school?”
It was the first time since November that she’d invited me over. I wanted to believe it was because she realized she’d been a crappy friend and wanted to make up for it, but part of me couldn’t help wondering if she was setting me up. “I’ll let you know at the end of the day. I have to check on something.”
“Sure. I’ll meet you at your locker.” She smiled. “I’m glad you’re doing okay, Chastaine.”
“Thanks.” I wasn’t sure what her definition of “okay” was, but I doubted it was the same as mine.
At the end of the day, I took my time getting to my locker, hoping El-Al would give up and leave before I got there. She hadn’t been as bad as a lot of people, but she hadn’t stood by me the way friends were supposed to. I wasn’t going to just forgive and forget with her, either. And I still hadn’t decided whether I trusted the invitation.
Holly was standing beside El-Al when I got to the hall where the junior lockers were. Evan and Guillermo were a little ways away from them in front of their lockers, which were next to each other thanks to alphabetical order.
I took a deep breath and walked over to the girls. “Hey.”
“Hey.” Holly smiled. “We were talking about maybe going to the mall together. All three of us. Evan and Moe, too, maybe, except Moe isn’t really the mall type.”
“Cool.” Whether or not Evan and Moe went, I would be the odd one out, and I didn’t exactly like that idea. But I hadn’t been to the mall in way too long, and it would probably be better than going home. Mom and Dad hadn’t mentioned the Catholic school thing all weekend, and I was pretty sure they would ambush me with it that night. The longer I could put it off, the better, because we were definitely going to argue.
“My sister’s driving us,” El-Al said. “Because having my license doesn’t do me any good when it comes to taking my friends places. Stupid to have a law against people under eighteen having passengers.”
“Yeah,” I said. I hadn’t bothered trying to get my license yet. So far, my parents or brothers had always been willing to give me rides if I asked.
“She’s picking us up in a few minutes, after all the traffic clears out front.” El-Al frowned. “Do you not want to go, Chastaine? I’m sorry if I’m being pushy.”
“You aren’t.” I sort of smiled at her. “Surprising, but not pushy. All of a sudden you’re deciding to be my friend again, and I don’t quite get why. If you were actually my friend, you would have supported me instead of ignoring and avoiding me because you were afraid of what other people would say if they saw you and me together.”
Her eyes widened. I was kind of startled myself. I hadn’t intended to say any of that. It had just poured out. All of it was stuff I’d kept quiet, and now I was saying it to someone who was actually trying to get back on my good side. I didn’t really care. Having my friends keep quiet while people bad-mouthed me hurt worse than the bad-mouthing, and I had a right to let El-Al know how I felt.
Holly stepped in between El-Al and me. I didn’t know if she thought we were going to have a catfight in the middle of the hall or what, and I didn’t ask. “Let’s just go to the mall and have fun,” Holly said. “I don’t want to think about crappy things. Do you?”
“El-Al and I need to sort some things out, but I think we can enjoy a day at the mall.” I smiled again, and this time it felt more real. “I need new shoes anyway.”
“Are we going or not?” Evan called. “And if we are, help me talk Moe into it.”
“I don’t want to go to the mall.” Guillermo rolled his eyes. “Seriously. You’re going to drag me into the makeup store again or make me watch you try on scarves.”
“Oh, you love it and you know it.” Evan grinned.
I couldn’t help laughing at them. Evan wanted to be a drag queen when he grew up, and he took gender ideas and bent them in about a dozen places. Guillermo dressed in jeans and guys’ shirts, and if someone hadn’t been told he was gay, they probably wouldn’t have guessed. No one had realized it before he came out. Even Evan hadn’t known until Guillermo told him.
They were an unusual couple, but a good one. And it surprised me to realize I wanted something like they had. I’d never thought that way before. I was usually too determined to hold on to my freedom to even consider having a relationship.
I was considering it now with Holly, and that bothered me. She and I hadn’t talked all day, not about anything serious, and obviously if we were going to the mall with three other people, we wouldn’t have a chance.
It didn’t matter, though. Going to the mall was better than going home and being all depressed and stuff. “Yeah, we’re going,” I said. “And Guillermo’s going too.”
Guillermo rolled his eyes, but the way he looked at Evan left no doubt that he wanted to go so they would have more time together.
I just hoped I would be able to get Holly alone at some point to talk. Not that I was ashamed of how I felt about her. But I didn’t want to put her on the spot by talking about it in front of the others, since she didn’t want Evan and the rest of her family to know, and she probably wouldn’t be too thrilled about El-Al finding out either.
I hoped I would be able to get El-Al alone for a while too, because she and I definitely needed to take care of a few things.
Chapter 12
WE ALL got our stuff and went outside. El-Al’s sister Roberta was sitting in the family’s ginormous SUV across the street from the main entrance. Her eyes widened when we walked over to her. “Hi, Chastaine. Haven’t seen you in a while.”
“Yeah, well, I’ve been around, not that anyone’s been happy about it.” I shut my mouth. I refused to go off on another rant about how crappy people had been treating me. I was sure Roberta had heard the same things as El-Al. She’d only been three years ahead of us, so she knew a lot of the same people we did. Plus she and El-Al talked a lot, so whatever Roberta hadn’t found out from other sources, I was sure El-Al had told her.
“I’m sorry,” Roberta said. “Some people are obviously happy to have you around. The ones who aren’t don’t matter. Get in if we’re going, you guys. It’s supposed to snow, and I don’t want to be dealing with rush hour traffic in a snowstorm.”
El-Al took shotgun, which was fine with me because I didn’t want to sit separately from my friends. Holly and I sat in the second seat, and Evan and Guillermo took the back.
“I need to talk to you,” Holly said in a low voice as Roberta cranked the radio and drove away from the school. “Not now, but this afternoon sometime.”
“Yeah,” I said. “We’ll figure it out.” My chest tightened. I was pretty sure I knew what she wanted to talk about, and the conversation could go a fe
w different ways.
The mall was usually only about fifteen minutes away, but thanks to rush hour traffic and people who were driving as if it was already snowing, it took us over half an hour. Roberta kept swearing under her breath and ranting about other drivers, so none of us said a word until she found a parking spot and we got out of the SUV.
“I’m not sticking with you guys,” she said. “I’m meeting a few people out here. But we’re only staying two hours. I want to get home before traffic gets crazier, and Mom needs the truck.”
“We don’t need a chaperone anyway.” El-Al took her cell out of her pocket. “Just text when you’re ready to leave, and we’ll find you.”
“Yeah. Make sure you find me right away and not an hour later like last time. Enjoy.”
She walked off. We waited a minute before going anywhere so she wouldn’t think we were following her.
The mall wasn’t very busy, which was good. Thanks to the wonders of the Internet, people from a lot of the area knew about me and Maryellen. Not all the nasty comments I’d gotten were from people who went to my school, or even people I actually knew, which was one reason I’d been avoiding the mall lately. I didn’t want yet another place where I might run into someone being an insulting jackass.
Evan stopped outside a store that sold name brands at discounts. “They have some new designer stuff,” he said. “I want to check it out. You guys don’t have to go with me, though.”
Guillermo sighed. “Yeah, I do, because you always say that when you want me to go with you. You could try saying, ‘Hey, Moe, come into this store with me.’ It would work a lot better.”
“I don’t want to put you on the spot.” Evan grinned. “And your sense of style leaves a lot to be desired. Are you girls coming with us?”
“Sure,” El-Al said.
I glanced at Holly, who was looking right back at me. Even though I didn’t exactly want to ditch El-Al, it would serve her right for all the times lately that she’d ditched me. Besides, it wasn’t as if being with Guillermo and Evan would be a bad thing. They were both pretty nice to look at, even if Evan had gone a little heavy on the eye shadow today.
