by Jo Ramsey
“I want to show Holly that store with all the skirts and stuff,” I said, then realized I should have kept my mouth shut. The guys might not know which store I meant, but El-Al would, and it was one of her favorite stores.
El-Al hesitated. “My mom told me they have some really cute sweaters in here on the clearance rack. She was here yesterday.”
“Then go check them out and meet us at the other store.” I sounded more impatient than I felt, but that was the idea. I wanted El-Al to find me unappealing so she wouldn’t tag along with Holly and me. “We don’t have a lot of time, right? And Holly’s looking for some low-cost wardrobe updates.”
Holly played right along. “The stuff in here still costs more than I want to spend, even if it is discounted. And Evan, you know I never find anything I like in here.”
Evan held up his hands. “I’m not arguing. I know better. Come with us, El-Al. I’m looking for a new sweater or two myself.”
El-Al shrugged. “Okay. See you two in a little while.”
Thank God. I tried not to show my relief.
I didn’t expect us to sort out everything today. I didn’t exactly understand how any kind of relationship worked, so it would probably be better if Holly and I were just friends who dated sometimes. With or without benefits, depending on what she was comfortable with. I wasn’t going to be pushy. That wasn’t my style, and for obvious reasons, I damn sure wasn’t going to push anyone else into doing something they didn’t want to.
We headed down the wing of the mall toward my favorite store. None of their stuff cost a lot, and some of it was really inexpensive. Hopefully it would be in Holly’s price range. If it wasn’t, maybe she would let me buy her at least one outfit.
My phone rang just before we got to the store. I took it out of my purse and groaned. I’d completely forgotten my appointment with Kendra. At least she was the one on the phone, not Mom. Mom would have been panicking. Kendra would just be quietly concerned.
“Hello?” I held up one finger to let Holly know it would be a quick call and turned to face the wall.
“Hi, Chastaine, it’s Kendra. Is everything all right? We had an appointment.” She sounded more worried than I would have expected given how mellow she usually was.
“Yeah. I’m fine.” I paused. “I’m sorry. I didn’t remember until just now. I’m at the mall with some friends.”
“That’s okay. I’m glad to know there isn’t anything wrong. It isn’t like you to miss an appointment.” Paper rustled. “Are you doing better than Thursday?”
“Yeah. A lot better.” I tapped my foot. I didn’t want to stand here talking to Kendra all day. Every second I stayed on the phone with her was that much less time I would have to talk to Holly before the others met up with us.
“I’m glad to hear it. Let’s just keep your regular appointment next Tuesday, then, unless you need to see me sooner.”
“I’ll call if I do.” At first, I’d seen Kendra once a week. Right before Christmas, we’d changed it to every other week because our holiday schedules were weird. She’d made a few appointments for me in advance, which usually made them easier to keep track of.
“All right. Have fun at the mall.”
“Thanks.” I hesitated. “Sorry again for missing today.”
“It’s okay. And I didn’t call your mom.”
“Thanks,” I said again. Mom would not have been happy if she found out.
Kendra hung up, and I slipped my phone back into my purse. Holly was still standing there, looking uncomfortable. “Sorry I took so long,” I said. “My counselor.”
“It’s okay.” She smiled. “So, that store has skirts for ten dollars?”
“Yeah.” She was taking the counselor thing really easily. Most people would have had a ton of questions. Then again, I wasn’t the only one Holly knew who was in counseling, and she knew why I was. She probably didn’t want to be nosy.
The store was only a little way down the corridor, and they’d put a display table of skirts right in front of their door. We started going through the stacks.
“Um, Saturday.” Holly was looking through a pile of skirts with a peach and blue triangle pattern. “Like, I’ve been trying to figure out why you did that, and I decided I should just ask you. It isn’t that I minded. I just…. You’re Chastaine Rollo.”
I had to laugh at that. My name was legendary. Some people would have said it was for the wrong reasons. They were mostly the people whose opinions didn’t mean crap.
“Chastaine Rollo likes guys because they’re easier to get along with, mostly. I told you that. That doesn’t mean I can’t like girls too.” I held up a dark green skirt. “This would look good with the white top I gave you the other day.”
“Yeah.” She took it from me. “So you aren’t… I mean, we kind of went through this already. You don’t want to label.”
“Yeah. I know I usually go out with guys, but it isn’t really going out. We keep it as just friends with benefits.” I spotted a plain black skirt in my size. I already had four of those, but there was no such thing as too many black skirts. “It’s just been less complicated that way. It’s different with you.”
She frowned and glanced over at an employee who was neatening another table near us. “Different how?”
I didn’t know if she was worried the other girl would eavesdrop on us or was just getting uncomfortable with the conversation. “We can talk about whatever we want without anyone listening in or judging.”
The employee looked at me and moved to a dress rack several feet away. I’d never caught her name, but she and I knew each other pretty well by sight. She knew how much money I spent at that place most months, so I’d figured she wouldn’t want to piss me off.
“I’ve never had a girlfriend.” Holly hesitated. “You already knew that. But the other thing is, Nathan. He and I can say we broke up or something, but other girls are interested in him, so that might be awkward for him. Right now, I’m why other girls don’t ask him out, or at least his reason for turning them down. I don’t want things to be difficult.”
“You can still say you’re seeing Nathan.” I thought about it, which I probably should have done before I said it. If people believed Holly and Nathan were still dating, it would protect Holly and me from anyone else finding out she and I were together.
That was assuming we were even talking about being together. I was having a really hard time mentally translating the conversation into anything that made sense.
My phone rang again. I was starting to wish I’d shut it off the way I had on Saturday, especially since this time, it was Mom’s ringtone.
“Damn it. My mother.” I almost decided not to answer, but that would probably have freaked Mom out again. For years, she hadn’t cared where I went or who I was with as long as I was home by curfew. Now I might as well carry her around with me.
“Answer it,” Holly said.
I did, just in time. “Hi, Mom. I’m at the mall with Holly, El-Al, Evan, and Guillermo. El-Al’s sister drove us. We’ll be going home in about an hour and a half. I have homework and I’ll do it when I get home.” I rattled it all off quickly, hoping I would hit all of her concerns so she wouldn’t stay on the phone.
“What about your appointment with Kendra?” she asked.
I groaned. Of course Mom would have remembered the appointment I’d forgotten. “I spaced it until I got here, but I already talked to Kendra. I didn’t really need to go today. I’m doing a lot better.”
I wasn’t sure she would buy that. Honestly, I wasn’t sure how much I believed myself. Between being ignored most of the day and now struggling to wrap my brain around the thing with Holly, I wasn’t in the greatest head space and probably talking to Kendra would have been a good idea. But I couldn’t always lean on a counselor. Sooner or later, I had to get my life together and go back to actually living it.
“Don’t make a habit out of missing appointments.” Mom paused. “When do you see her again?”
“Next Tuesday.” Mom should have remembered that, too.
“When you get home, we have a few things to talk about.” She paused again, and when she spoke, her voice shook. “The prosecutor’s office called. There’s a sentence now. And we still have to discuss school.”
My heart stopped for a second, and my stomach wrenched. Mom’s tone didn’t give away anything about what Jim’s sentence was. I needed to know. I needed to hear that he was actually going to pay for what he’d done.
But a clothing store at the mall wasn’t the best place to get news like that, whether it was good or bad. I didn’t trust myself not to cry, either in relief because Jim had gotten what he deserved or in anger that he hadn’t. Mom should have just told me, because she should have been smart enough to know I would want to hear it, but she didn’t say anything else.
“Like I said, we’re leaving here in about an hour and a half.” I forced myself to sound calm and even a little bit cheerful. “I’ll be home for supper.”
“Good. Be careful. I love you, Chastaine.” Now she sounded like she was crying. That wasn’t a good sign.
“I love you too.” My eyes watered, and I squeezed them shut while I hung up and stuck the phone back in my purse.
“Is everything okay?” Holly asked from closer to me than I’d realized she was.
I jumped, even though I knew it was her, and opened my eyes. “Yeah, Mom just wanted to know where I was and whether I’d be back for supper. It’s all good.”
I should have told her Jim had been sentenced, but I didn’t want to share that information until I knew the whole story.
“Okay.” She bit her lip. “Evan texted while you were on the phone. They’re almost done at the other store, so we only have a few minutes. I like you.”
I smiled. At least we weren’t dancing around the subject now. “I like you too.”
“You don’t mind if I still pretend I’m going out with Nathan?”
“I think we should see whether dating each other is going to work before we even decide to be exclusive.” That didn’t sound good, and from the way Holly frowned, I was pretty sure it wasn’t the answer she’d wanted. “I’ve never been exclusive,” I said quickly. “So it’s like something new for me, and I don’t want to rush into it and then have it not work. I haven’t dated anyone since November, and I don’t have any plans to. It’s more about keeping our options open until we’re totally sure we work.”
She didn’t look much happier, but she nodded. “Yeah. Plus if we’re exclusive, especially you, people might wonder why we aren’t seeing anyone else.”
“No one’s wondered about me so far.”
“They have. You just haven’t heard about it.” She glanced out the door. “Okay. So Nathan and I keep up our act, you do or don’t date guys, whichever you decide, and we start seeing each other?”
“Yeah.” I grinned and fought off a sudden urge to hug the hell out of her. “Exactly.”
Before either of us could say anything else, Evan, Guillermo, and El-Al hurried into the store carrying plastic bags. Evan was chattering about some of the accessories he’d seen in the other store, which pretty much killed anyone else’s chance of talking.
It didn’t matter. Holly and I had said what we needed to say. Now I just had to figure out how to make sure no one else realized it.
We spent the rest of our time wandering around and occasionally making fun of some of the younger kids we saw. Twelve-year-old girls trying to look and act twenty always entertained me.
It was just starting to snow when we left. None of us talked on the ride home. We didn’t want to distract Roberta, who was obviously freaked out even though the roads were barely even wet. I was glad when she finally dropped me off, after taking Evan, Guillermo, and Holly home first. I managed to squeeze Holly’s hand before she got out of the SUV, but that was the only physical contact. The others might have noticed anything else.
Mom was just putting supper on the table when I walked into the kitchen. Pot roast, boiled potatoes, and carrots. Not my favorite meal, but for a change the smell made my stomach growl instead of twist.
Marcus and Dad were already sitting down. Andy wasn’t around as far as I could see. I took my seat and looked at Marcus. “Moral support again?”
“Unbiased mediator.” He winked. “I’m going to sit here and be quiet unless someone asks me to say something. And even then, I might just keep quiet because it’s safer that way.”
“First things first,” Dad said.
“Wait until everything’s on the table.” Mom set down a plate of rolls and the tub of nonbutter. “And until we give thanks.”
We weren’t religious enough to usually pray before meals. I blinked at Mom, but she didn’t look at me. I still couldn’t figure out whether that meant something bad or not.
Mom finally sat down and closed her eyes. I closed mine too, and assumed Dad and Marcus did the same.
No one said anything for a few minutes. The silence made my head ache. All I wanted was to find out what the court had done to Jim, yet here I sat, waiting and swallowing back sudden nausea and hoping this wouldn’t drag on too long.
“Okay,” Dad said.
I opened my eyes. Mom didn’t look pleased. I didn’t know whether she’d expected someone to say a prayer out loud, or if she just didn’t want to have the discussion.
“Chastaine, your mother said she talked to you,” Dad said. “It would have been nice if you’d told her you weren’t either going to your appointment or coming home.”
“I forgot about the appointment,” I said. “And I never used to have to let you guys know if I went somewhere after school.”
“Things have changed,” Mom said. “A lot has changed.”
“Nothing has changed.” I gritted my teeth. As much as I hated arguing with my parents, the way they’d been acting for the past two months was driving me crazy. And now that I had friends again—and Holly—I didn’t want to deal with the smothering anymore. “I am still the same person I’ve been. Something shitty happened—”
“Language,” Mom interrupted.
“Sorry.” I wasn’t. Not even close. But I would have to watch what I said if I wanted them to actually listen to me. “Something bad happened to me. It wasn’t my fault, and it wasn’t because of anything I did. I wasn’t doing anything different that day from every single other day of my life.”
I was getting louder than I intended, but I’d let this build up far too long. When I first reported Jim, I was afraid. Of him, of his family, of other people. I’d let my parents protect me because it helped me a little, but they had gone overboard, and now I was tired of it.
Two months had gone by. I didn’t need to be protected. I needed to be normal again. For the rest of my life, I would probably have to deal with fallout from what Jim had done. Memories, sometimes wanting to hurt myself, not being able to eat. But I shouldn’t have had to deal with practically being kept prisoner by my parents on top of all of that.
I wanted to say all of that out loud, but I couldn’t figure out how to say it without sounding like at least some of my problems were Mom and Dad’s fault. Even as frustrated as I was, I knew that wouldn’t help.
“No one blames you, honey,” Mom said.
“Then why are you keeping me locked up?” I touched my eyes with my fingertips to make sure I wasn’t as close to crying as I felt. “You check in with me every five seconds when I’m out of the house, except when I’m at school. Half the time, you don’t even let me go anywhere except school and counseling. I was dealing just fine with what happened until Guillermo figured it out and talked me into telling people. Now everyone acts like I’m either broken or a liar or both, and it’s pissing me off. That’s my problem. Not what happened. The way people are treating me because of it.”
No one commented on my language this time. Not that I would have cared.
“We want you to be safe,” Dad said. “Part of our job as your parents is to keep you safe. We fai
led. We didn’t think giving you the same freedom as your brothers would be a problem, and we were wrong.”
“That’s ridiculous,” Marcus said.
Surprised, I looked at him. I didn’t know why he was taking my side, but I was grateful for it.
“Why is it ridiculous?” Dad demanded.
“Treating Chastaine differently only because she’s a girl wouldn’t be right.” Marcus folded his arms. “I know all about how guys are safer than girls, and the whole double standard thing about it being okay for guys to sleep around, but a girl is a slut if she even has sex once.”
Mom flinched. My parents were a little more open about sex than a lot of my friends’ parents, but it still wasn’t a typical dinner table topic.
“Marcus, that isn’t the topic,” Dad said.
“Yeah, it is. You’re sitting there saying you’re trying to keep Chastaine safe by not letting her go out the way you always let the rest of us.” Marcus shook his head. “You were doing the right thing by treating her the same as the rest of us. You’re wrong now, when you aren’t doing that anymore. And that’s what’s ridiculous.”
Mom and Dad opened their mouths. Before either of them could speak, I held up my hand and cleared my throat. That wasn’t how I actually wanted to get their attention. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. But I had the feeling they wouldn’t appreciate it.
“I know you want me to be safe,” I said. “Wrapping me up in bubble paper and keeping me in the house isn’t going to do that. It’s only going to make me too angry to listen to anything you say. So back to the beginning. I didn’t think I had to tell you about the mall, because you’ve never had a problem with me going places after school as long as I’m home for supper. I forgot about my appointment, but Kendra called, and I apologized.”
I had to pause, because I was running out of breath and my voice was rising again. None of them seemed inclined to say anything, so I figured I might actually have a chance to finish.
