by Jo Ramsey
“I had fun with my friends,” I said. “Don’t you keep telling me I should spend more time with my friends instead of sitting around here? But then you turn around and say I shouldn’t go anywhere. I’m kind of confused, I guess. Which is it? I should spend more time with my friends, or I should hang my head in shame and hide in my bedroom because a guy I trusted and slept with decided that meant I had to sleep with him even if I didn’t want to?”
Mom’s mouth dropped open. I should have figured she would react that way. Open about sex or not, neither of my parents wanted the reminder that I’d been having it. Another double standard, because I distinctly remembered my dad congratulating Andy and Marcus after their first times. My parents still didn’t even know when I’d lost my virginity.
“I was raped.” I had to say it out loud. We almost never said that word in our house, and it was well past time to call it what it was. “Like you said to Jane, Mom. It doesn’t matter how many times I’d had sex with him before, and it doesn’t matter how many other guys I’d had sex with. He did something to me against my will, and that made it rape. It happened at his house after we went on a date to the beach. He wasn’t a stranger. No one grabbed me out in public or dragged me into a dark alley or whatever. He was someone I knew and trusted, and I went with him by choice. I didn’t believe he would hurt me. He wasn’t like that.”
The last part wasn’t exactly true. Everyone knew what kind of guy Jim was. A bully. Loud, obnoxious, and almost always ready for a fight. But he’d been pretty nice to me when we went out together, right up until that last time. As far as I’d known until Maryellen came forward, he was an asshole to other guys, but didn’t really bother most girls other than insults here and there.
Dad took a deep breath. “Are you done, Chastaine?”
“Yeah.” I figured he was waiting for an apology, but I wasn’t giving one.
“All right.” He reached for a roll. “Jim will spend a month in juvenile detention. When he’s released, he’ll be on probation again until he’s eighteen. He’s been ordered into therapy, and he’ll have to register as a sex offender until he’s twenty-one, and then he’ll have to go to court and have a judge grant him removal from the list.”
He looked at me, and that was when I realized his eyes were wet. “He’s paying, Chastaine. Maybe not as much as he should, but he’s paying.”
I nodded and covered my face with my hands. It was good news. Even better than when I’d heard Jim had pled guilty. So there was absolutely no reason for me to break down in tears except pure relief. The problem was, I wasn’t sure my parents would recognize it as that, and I didn’t want to upset them any more than I already had.
“His mother called as well,” Mom said.
Startled, I moved my hands and stared at her. “She called here? How did she have our number?”
“We’re in the phone book,” Mom said. She pressed her lips together for a moment. “She said she doesn’t entirely believe your story, even though Jim admitted it. She thinks it was a misunderstanding. At least, she wants to believe it was. I’m pretty sure she knows differently. I know how I would feel if one of your brothers was accused of something like this, so I can’t blame her.”
“Yeah.” I’d only met Jim’s mother a couple of times. She hadn’t liked me, and the feeling was mutual.
“She told me to let you know that whatever happened, she’s sorry you’ve gone through a difficult time.” Mom paused. “I didn’t expect her to say anything remotely like that. She started the call by telling me you shouldn’t have talked to the police, but then she apologized. And she said once Jim’s out of detention, he won’t be living in the state anymore. They’re making arrangements for his probation to be served out in Michigan. Apparently he has a relative out there who’s offered to take him in. His father has kicked him out, and his stepfather doesn’t want him back.”
“If you’re trying to make me feel sorry for him, I don’t.” I picked up my fork, though I didn’t have any intention of eating. “He’s getting what he deserves. I’m just sorry he has somewhere else to go.”
Mom flinched again. Either I sounded angrier than I realized, or she was right on the edge of telling me to forgive and forget or some crap. I’d tried the forgetting thing, and it hadn’t worked for me. And there was no way in hell I was ever going to forgive Jim.
“You don’t have to feel sorry for him,” Dad said. “I wouldn’t either. I think your mother was just informing you. Although I’m not pleased that Jim’s mother called here. I hope you told her not to do it again.”
“I did,” Mom said.
“Can we eat yet?” Marcus tapped his fork against his plate. “The food’s getting cold and I’m getting annoyed.”
“What do you have to be annoyed about?” Dad asked.
“The way you guys are kind of dogpiling on Chastaine.” Marcus shoveled a forkful of potato into his mouth and talked while he chewed it. “She didn’t do anything wrong. You’re acting like she’s grounded, and that shouldn’t be happening. And you have the whole school thing stuck in your head that I don’t even want to comment about.”
“I’m not changing schools.” I was glad Marcus had brought that up. It was a welcome new topic. “There’s no point in it. People are always going to say what they say. And, as the cliché goes, my reputation precedes me. Some of the kids at Leigh-Anne’s school knew me in middle school. The rest have probably already heard about me from Leigh-Anne or from other people who know me. Being in school with them isn’t going to make things any better. I have friends where I am, and I’m staying there.”
I followed Marcus’s lead and took a bite of potato, which was bland enough that I figured I might be able to keep it down, even though, after my rant and finding out Jim’s mother had called Mom, my stomach felt like one of those centrifugal carnival rides. Unlike Marcus, I didn’t say anything while I was eating. I was afraid if I kept talking, Mom and Dad would get pissed off enough to completely ignore what I wanted and force me to change schools anyway.
Dad sighed. “I checked on what you told us last week about that school. Leigh-Anne may have exaggerated some things, but enough of it is true that I don’t think it would make much of a difference for you. And, as you pointed out, some of the other students are already going to know about you.”
I tried not to sigh with relief. Dad had actually taken me seriously enough to follow up on what I’d told him, and now I could stay at school with my friends. I’d still have to deal with all the crap too, but at least it was familiar crap from familiar people.
“El-Al and I are friends again.” I didn’t remember if I’d told them that before. “Like, she took me to the mall. She wanted me to go shopping with her after I visited Maryellen the other day, but I already had plans with Holly.”
Mom smiled. “That’s good. I’m glad to hear it. It’s sad that you can’t make up with Gina too.”
“Yeah. I’d kind of rather not think about her.” I had to keep myself from saying anything too negative. After all, Mom and Jane had known each other since they were kids. Even after what Jane had said to me, I had a feeling Mom still wanted to be her friend, which meant she would still want me to be friends with Gina.
Not something that would ever happen, but I was okay with letting Mom have her illusion for a little while as long as she didn’t mention it to me.
“I understand.” Mom made a little sound like she was trying to say something but didn’t know what word to actually speak. “Um, what about Holly? It seems like you’ve been spending a lot of time with her. She wasn’t part of your group before.”
I had no idea why Mom was bringing that up now. She knew I’d become friends with Holly and Evan. She’d met Guillermo before, during football season. This was the first time she’d questioned me hanging around with them.
“We’ve been in the same class all along,” I said. “We weren’t exactly friends, but we’ve known each other for years. The kids who were my friends aren’t anymor
e, and Holly is. Why the big deal?”
“I’m just curious.” Mom looked down at her plate. “Okay. I don’t think we have anything else to discuss, do we?”
“Yes, we do.” With Marcus’s moral support, it wouldn’t hurt if I tried to talk my parents into letting up on the restrictions they’d been giving me. “I want to be able to go out the way I’ve always done. I don’t know what you’re hoping to do by not letting me go places. I know I haven’t actually been asking very much. I don’t have many friends left, and the parties don’t sound like all that much fun anymore. But still, when I do ask, you either don’t let me or you keep checking up on me.”
“We want to keep you safe,” Dad said again.
“Yeah, I told you I get that.” I took a couple of deep breaths so I wouldn’t completely lose it. This time, they worked a little better. “Nothing’s different from how it used to be. That’s what you don’t understand. What happened to me was last summer. I didn’t even mention it for months because I was dealing okay with it, and I was still going out and having fun. Nothing else happened to me.”
Dad sighed. “I know. We’re parents. We don’t have to make sense.”
“You have to be fair to your kids, though,” Marcus said. “Believe me, I’m as worried about Chastaine as you guys are, but that doesn’t mean I think it’s okay for you to change the rules for her and make rules you never would have expected any of us guys to follow.”
“We need to discuss it,” Mom said. “And by ‘we,’ I mean your father and me privately. After supper. Chastaine, I understand what you’re saying, but it scares me to realize this happened to you and could happen again.”
“I could get run over by the 713 bus too, but I don’t see you keeping me from walking down the street.” I took another bite of food before I could get too sarcastic.
“We’ll discuss it,” Mom said again, more firmly this time.
I decided to quit while I was ahead. The two most important things had been decided. Mom and Dad would loosen up on me. Ninety-five percent of the time, when they said they had to discuss a decision about one of us kids, they ended up giving us the answer we wanted.
And Jim was actually getting punished for what he’d done to Maryellen and me. It wasn’t enough, but it was something. He’d admitted to it, and instead of just slapping him on the wrist the way they’d done after he beat up Evan, the court was actually making him pay.
In spite of what I’d said, I did feel a tiny bit sorry for him. He would be locked up completely for a month, and his family didn’t want him anymore. Even though he was getting what he deserved, those were tough things to deal with. Once upon a time, I’d cared about all the crap he put up with from his parents. I’d cared about him. I didn’t have any reason to now, but one small part of me still did.
But mostly, I was just relieved. Whatever happened to Jim wasn’t my problem.
Chapter 13
I WOKE the next morning to falling snow, white streets, and a message on the landline voice mail informing me school was closed. I should have been happy to be able to miss a day of gossip and teachers, but the thought of being stuck in the house all day killed the happy. I didn’t have any clue when the snow was supposed to stop, but judging from how hard it was coming down now, it would be a while. And even when it stopped, it would take the town some time to clear the streets and sidewalks enough for people to get around safely.
Dad had to go to work regardless of weather, as long as Boston’s public transit system was running, so he left about an hour earlier than usual, before daylight. Mom was awake by then, but I wasn’t in the mood to talk to her once I informed her I didn’t have school. I had no clue whether she and Dad had discussed the whole “letting up on Chastaine” thing yet, and until they did, I didn’t have much to say to either of them.
I could have gone back to sleep once I knew I didn’t have to go anywhere, but I’d had nightmares most of the night again, and woken up a bunch of times. That made me even more tired than usual, but it also made me reluctant to sleep anymore. For all I knew, the dreams would come back the second I closed my eyes.
Why I was suddenly having a full night of bad dreams about Jim was anyone’s guess. I’d had some nightmares about him before, but nothing like this. They’d gone on for hours, and every time I woke up and went back to sleep, they started again.
Maybe my subconscious was so relieved it had to let out all the crap I’d built up. I’d cried for about an hour before going to bed, once I was safely in my room where Mom and Dad wouldn’t know. Now that the whole thing was over, I didn’t have to keep myself together and pretend to be okay. At least not when I was alone. So the dreams were probably part of that, but they were still something I would be happy to never have to deal with again.
There wasn’t much to do in my room, but I didn’t want to deal with Mom or Marcus, so I stayed there most of the day. Mom made me go downstairs for breakfast and lunch, because apparently she didn’t trust me to eat if she wasn’t on my case about it. I didn’t really blame her for that, given how little I’d been eating lately, but understanding why she was doing it didn’t make it any less annoying.
Other than that, I spent the day catching up on TV shows online and chatting off and on with Holly and Evan. Guillermo messaged me early on to let me know he’d heard about Jim’s sentence and hoped I was okay, but that was the only time I heard from him. Holly and Evan had me join in an instant message chat with them for a while, which turned out to mostly be Evan giving us fashion and makeup tips he’d picked up from the drag queen competition TV show he liked to watch.
It was entertaining, but I wished I could talk to Holly privately. Not that I had any real idea of what to talk to her about. We’d settled my biggest questions the day before. We were together, and neither of us wanted to risk anyone else finding out.
But some things still confused me. We were seeing each other, but she was still seeing Nathan. Or at least pretending to. She wasn’t happy about the idea of me seeing guys, but she hadn’t said she didn’t want me to. I’d thought I only wanted a friendship-dating thing with her, the same kind of thing I’d had with some of the guys I’d been with, but part of me wanted Holly to be my girlfriend, not only a friend.
Labels or not, I wanted to be certain of what was going on.
With Evan part of the conversation, though, I couldn’t ask. If Holly told anyone about us, Evan would probably be the one, but it wasn’t up to me to fill him in. So during the time we chatted, I kept my mouth shut and pretended nothing was going on. I didn’t even ask Holly if I could talk to her without Evan being part of the conversation, because Evan probably would have wanted to know why.
The good thing about the chatting and watching TV shows was that I managed to stay away from social media. Since Guillermo had heard about Jim’s sentence, I assumed others had too. I was incredibly curious about what they were saying and who was still on my side. At the same time, I was afraid I’d see more angry or insulting posts, so I just stuck to instant messaging, ignored stuff that came from anyone other than Holly and Evan, and indulged in marathons of shows I liked but didn’t usually watch because Mom and Dad controlled the TV at night.
The sun came out eventually, and the street outside our house was cleared, which meant probably most of the rest of the streets in town were too. We were usually one of the last ones the plow hit. That meant we would almost definitely have school the next day. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. On one hand, it would be nice to get out of the house and see my friends. On the other hand, I didn’t want to deal with school.
I had to get over the not wanting to go to school thing, or at least hide it. If my parents realized just how afraid I was to walk into school, they might start insisting again that I go somewhere else. They wouldn’t understand that I wasn’t afraid of anyone or anything in particular. I didn’t want to hear what people would say to me now that Jim would be basically going to jail. Some of them might blame me for ruining Jim�
��s life, or even say that I was the one who should have been locked up.
My parents would have figured I didn’t want to go to school because of all the same things as before, and that might have changed their minds about letting me stay in town. No matter how worried I was, I still wanted to be at the same school as my friends.
Holly and Evan had only been talking to me off and on, since both of them had housework and homework to do, and by late afternoon the conversation had pretty much ended. I still hadn’t dared to talk to Holly without Evan seeing it, even though I could have asked her to chat privately or even texted her, and I was starting to wonder if I would ever have the chance. Maybe it was for the best if I didn’t. If Holly was as nervous as she seemed about our relationship, discussing it might make things worse for her. And I wasn’t sure it would help me much either.
By suppertime, I was bored out of my mind. I was relaxed and a lot less tired than that morning, since I’d been lying on my bed most of the day, but I was glad to go downstairs when Mom came to my door to say Dad had finally made it home. We almost never ate until he was there.
Mom had decided not to cook, and instead had laid out a variety of sandwich meats, cheese, and condiments, along with sandwich rolls. All of us put together our own sandwiches at the kitchen island and took them to the table to eat.
“Long day.” Dad looked exhausted. “I’m glad I didn’t have to drive, but the T’s been running behind all day. Marcus, thank you for clearing the walks and driveway.”
“No problem,” Marcus said. “It wasn’t like I had much else to do.”
I hadn’t even realized Marcus had done that. In the past, I would have helped, and we probably would have had a snowball fight or built a snowman or something. Just because we were older didn’t mean we didn’t still sometimes play in the snow. But he hadn’t asked for my help. I didn’t know whether he’d assumed I wouldn’t want to go outside or just hadn’t thought about it.
