“Okay, but Brice is probably down there being yelled at by your friends. We should go down there and save him,” Chris joked, trying to lighten the mood.
“Somehow, I doubt he needs saving; he can take care of himself,” she told him as they reached the last step and were faced with eyes on them. She could feel the icy stares from her friends, but she was done caring. If they thought she’d changed for the worst, then she was going to give them what they seemed to want. She’d change more.
“Are you okay?” Brice whispered, so only she could hear as she stood in front of him.
Nodding her head she gave him a small smile.
“Want to get out of here?” he offered, willing to take her anywhere her heart desired.
She thought about it for a while before answering. “Yes.”
She turned to her brother, who sat across the room with David. “Chris, I’m going out. I’ll be back later. Don’t wait up. And stay out of my room, all of you,” she said, but the last part of her statement was only meant for Heather, Chelsea and Maxie.
***
Brice and Shay sat face to face on his couch in his garage. He’d asked her where she wanted go, and the only response he got was away, far away, so he took her to his house. He knew something was bothering her, but he wasn’t sure if he really had a right to ask.
Ever since Shay had come downstairs from her room, crying after talking with her friends, Brice had felt something change in him. For the first time in his life, he wanted to help someone other than himself. For once it wasn’t about sex with a girl; it was about whatever it took for a smile to appear on her face. He didn’t understand it. He didn’t understand any of it; he’d never felt the strong need to make someone happy like he did with Shay.
“Can I ask you something,” Brice asked before his thoughts could progress into any further thoughts that he had no business thinking.
“Sure,” Shay replied in a soft whisper, skeptical about what was on his mind right now.
“Why were you crying?”
“I didn’t think it was noticeable. My friends hate me. I’ve changed and they can’t accept it,” Shay explained. She couldn’t really blame them for hating her; she’d drastically gone from being happy and cheerful to angry and depressing.
“It was very noticeable. I’m sorry about your friends, but hey, you always have me. I know that’s a weird thing to say considering that we just started to be friends, but Shay, I’ll always be here for you,” Brice told her, setting his hand over hers.
“Thank you Brice, I wish they didn’t hate me though,” she admitted, not really sure why she was telling Brice. For months she didn’t talk to anyone about the things she was going through. She buried it deep inside her mind so no one would ever be able to figure it out.
“I just want you to know that I’m here for you if you need me. I even put my phone number into your phone. Don’t worry about what your friends think; most people don’t like change, but it’s up to you. You are going to be whoever you want to be, so don’t let them stop you. Don’t let them bring you down, okay?” Brice was hopeful that he could get through to her.
“It’s so hard not to. I’ve always been there for them all, and the moment I need them to be there for me, they won’t have it,” Shay said, eyes stinging with tears once more.
“I know, it’ll be okay. What about David? What’s the deal with him?” Brice asked. This was the very conversation she was hoping to avoid.
“Before I moved, he and I were dating,” Shay said, surprised by how much she was revealing.
Brice sat in the silence as he absorbed the truth behind Shay and David’s relationship. The dark part of this soul found the reality of what they had been to be disturbing to him.
“Did you love him?” Brice asked her before he even realized the words coming out of his mouth.
Shay sighed as the realization hit her. “I thought there was a time when maybe I could love him, but if I’m being honest, I didn’t, and I don’t. He was my best friend, and we had a complicated relationship. He was that friend that you’re not sure how you feel about, so you try to give it a chance, and it worked for a while, but then it just didn’t.”
“Have you ever loved anyone?” Brice asked, surprised by how many questions he’d asked her, and how open and honest she managed to be with him.
“No, I haven’t,” Shay spoke regretfully. She realized that she never would either. The ability to be able to love was taken away from her. How could she love someone if she couldn’t bear to be touched in a loving way? “Have you?”
“No, I can count on one hand how many actual girlfriends I’ve had. Just one. After that, I just kind of started sleeping around. I’ve never been in love.” Brice told her.
“Not at all?” Shay asked in surprise
“No. Most of it was all about sex for me, to be honest. I know that sounds horrible, but it was.”
“It doesn’t sound horrible. I get it,” Shay said. She could understand not wanting to have an emotional connection with anyone. It’s a pain that she lived with every single day.
“So, I was thinking, since you’ve never done anything fun since you’ve been in this town, tomorrow, we should make a day of fun,” Brice said.
“Like?” Shay asked, daring him to continue.
“How about cliff diving,” he offered. “Let’s take a risk. I’ll be there with you the entire time.” He somehow made her feel safe with his words. It was the first time she could look at another male, other than her brother, David, and her father, and not be afraid.
“I don’t know,” she hesitated.
“I’ll make you a deal, you come with me, and we’ll check it out. If you don’t want to, then you don’t have to. I just want to spend time with you,” Brice told her, not caring at all about how it sounded.
Shay thought about the offer for a while. She was terrified of heights. But the thought of cliff jumping with Brice excited her. She doubted that she’d jump, but what’s stopping her from going to have fun? It was something she hadn’t had in such a long time. “Okay, I’ll go.”
“Good to hear,” Brice said just as a black SUV pulled into the garage. As the car shut off, his mother stepped out.
“Hey, Mom,” Brice said as she walked over to them.
“Hey, who’s this?” She asked, nodding towards Shay.
“This is Shay. She’s a friend,” Brice told her, knowing that she was probably thinking she was just another girl he planned on sleeping with.
“It’s nice to meet you, Ms. Lawrence,” Shay greeted her, thankful that Brice had told her that his parents were divorced and that she went back to her maiden name.
“Brice, I think I like her. So far she’s nothing like those other girls you bring home,” Kris said as she smiled at Shay after shaking her hand. Butterflies rose in Shay’s stomach when she came to terms with the happiness she was beginning to feel in this moment. It was like all the pain and suffering seemed to lessen when she was around him, and all the good things she’d been pushing aside for so long began to surface.
“I can honestly say that she’s nothing like that Mom. You’ll love Shay,” Brice promised, giving Shay a smile.
“Would you like to stay for dinner, Shay? I’m ordering Chinese,” Kris offered to Brice’s surprise. His mom never invited his friends to stay. In fact, she was always trying to find a way to get them out.
“I’d love to, I love Chinese,” Shay replied, knowing that she was nowhere near ready to go home.
Brice smiled. He was glad she accepted, because the more time he spent with her, the more he felt for her. He knew this was going to be the start of something wonderful.
Chapter Seven
Shay stood at the front door of her house after her night with Brice. It was amazing how much he made her feel. When she was with Brice, she felt like good things were possible, but the feeling never lasted when they were apart.
Standing at the door, she knew on the other side she was going t
o be faced with a mob of anti-Shay. When she opened the door, she found an empty room. It was eleven at night, and she was just now getting home. She had a good evening with Brice and his mom. She took an instant liking to Kris, and for the first time she felt envious of him.
Sure, she loved her parents, but in some ways they could be smothering. The truth was, she was happy to be around two people who weren’t telling her what she needed to be doing, how much she’d changed, or how much they missed who she used to be. With them she could just pretend that everything in the world was right, even though it was the furthest thing from the truth.
As she stepped into the kitchen, her phone vibrated in her pocket. Pulling it out, she saw a text from Brice.
[Brice:] Just checking to make sure you got home okay.
[Shay:] I’m home. Thanks for tonight.
[Brice:] You got it. Don’t forget tomorrow. This time, I’ll be picking you up. Be there at around noon.
[Shay:] I can drive myself. It’s really not a big deal.
[Brice:] I won’t take no for an answer.
[Shay:] Oh, fine Mr. Hotshot.
She put her phone away when she noticed she was being watched by David. He was staring at her, standing there in his pajama pants and a white T-shirt.
“You scared me, David. What are you doing?” Shay asked, her smile fading.
“Have you been with Brice all this time?” David asked in a disapproving tone.
“Yes,” she said with a hint of a smile.
“Do you have feelings for him?” David asked, sitting next to her at the counter.
“Brice is just a friend, David. I barely know him. He is a good guy, but he’s only a friend,” Shay assured him, not wanting to hurt him any more than she already had.
“Why won’t you give us another chance?” David wondered as he scooted closer to her. Her heart began to race in panic, she didn’t want to be this close to anyone.
“I just can’t, David. What we had was nice while it lasted, but I don’t love you. I can’t love you, or anyone else,” Shay told him sadly. The last thing she ever wanted was to hurt him.
“Why? Why are you so distant now? It’s like you’ve become someone else, and I’m not going to be like Heather and tell you I don’t like the person you are, because I’ll love you no matter who you are, but the person you’re becoming scares the hell out of me,” David admitted to the girl he loved.
“I’m sorry David. You can’t choose who you become. Things happen, and people change and the thing is, you can’t control it. I’m not the girl I was all those months ago, and I’m sorry if that’s not what you want to hear, but she’s gone,” Shay told him confidently. She wished for the other girl to come back, but the reality was, she was gone.
“We can’t be over though, not after everything I did to finally get you to give me a chance. Don’t you think you owe that to me?”
“I owe you a lot, David, but you can’t put that on me. I refuse to lead you on. I’m being honest here,” she explained, letting out a big sigh. “David, I’m not worth this, you don’t know me anymore, and you don’t love me. You think you do, but I’m not worthy of your love. And you deserve someone who will treat you as well as you deserve.” And it was true. All the time that he was wasting on her was more time spent where he needed to move on.
“Shay, I can’t move on from you. God knows I’ve tried. I love you and I think you owe me another shot at what we have. You left without so much as a goodbye. We can be something truly amazing, if you’d just try,” David scolded her, pleading with his green eyes.
“I can’t David. What we had was a long time ago, and it’s time that you moved on.”
“I don’t care how long it takes; I’ll never give up on us. You and I will find our way back to each other. Maybe not today, and maybe not even tomorrow, but I have hope for someday.”
“David, no. Don’t wait for me. I’m not going to change my mind, and I can’t take it if I hurt you any more than I already have,” Shay told him truthfully. It was sad, but she couldn’t lie to him about it.
“I don’t care. I know the girl I fell in love with is somewhere deep inside of there, and I’m going to find her.” David spoke with a confidence that gave Shay chills.
She didn’t want that. She didn’t want him to try to save her. The fact was that she couldn’t be saved. Not anymore, everything was already done and there was no point in trying.
Yet here David was, vowing to never give up on her. There was no hope for her and David, no hope at all, but he wouldn’t let go. Why wouldn’t he just let her go? Why couldn’t he just forget about her and find someone else who would treat him the way he deserved?
“You have to let me go. Maybe in another life the two of us could have something great, but not this life. David, I’m not good for you.”
“Shay, why are you trying so hard to push me out of your life?” David asked, his tone hurt but curious.
“Because it’s the way it has to be. We can be friends, but that’s all we can ever be,” Shay told him, and before he could say more, she was climbing the stairs to her room.
***
Dear Diary,
David won’t let me go, and I don’t know how to convince him that it’s over. He keeps telling me that he’s going to fight for me; why won’t he let me go? I can’t be the girl I used to be, I won’t ever be her again. Why can’t they all just let me go? I hate who I’ve become. I hate her so much, but I hate him more, for making me this monster I’ve become. I don’t deserve David. I let all of this happen, everything. The reason that incident in the locker room even happened was because of me, so I got what I deserved. I don’t deserve any bit of happiness anymore.
But Brice…
He makes me feel happy. Not completely. Just flashes. He doesn’t tell me that I need to be someone, or that he wants to save me, he just says he wants to know me and that scares the hell out of me. What if he turns out to be just like him? Or what if he finds out about my past? I’ve tried so hard to keep it hidden and buried, but secrets have a way of coming out, and what if this is one of those secrets? I haven’t known him for long, but I like my friendship with Brice. For months I’ve felt so alone, and he makes me feel like I’m not. I don’t want to lose him. It sounds strange, but I become someone else when I’m with him.
Heather and the girls make me feel so small. They look at me with their judgmental eyes and their fake smiles, and I know it will never be the same. They’ve been here for two days and I just can’t seem to be around them. It just reminds me of what happened. They remind me of him. I can’t be in the same room with them and I can’t contain the emotions that run through me when I am.
Heatherand I are supposed to be best friends, but she won’t accept the fact that who I was before, well,she’s gone. I will never be that girl. I would give anything to be the girl I was before. I’d give anything to be happy again, but I need to face the reality of everything. And the reality is that I’m stuck in this hell forever.
***
That night was a sleepless one for Shay. She wished her parents never left. She wasn’t happy before her friends got here, but she was dealing. Not well, but in her own way.
Now everything was spinning in slow motion out of control.
She wanted nothing more than for everything to be the way it once was. She would love nothing more than to be able to be the way around her friends that she used to be, but she couldn’t go back. She couldn’t erase the past, the filth and disgust that she felt every time she saw her reflection in the mirror. She was a completely different person. That sweet, innocent girl whose only goal in life was to make a difference and to help people, was gone. Her goals were gone and dead.
Giving in, Shay got out of bed, knowing she wouldn’t be able to sleep. She went to her desk, and began to write. Moments passed by before hearing a knock on her door. It was three thirty in the morning, who could possibly be awake at this hour?
“Come in,” she called in a whi
sper loud enough for the person behind the door to hear.
She was surprised to see Heather. Her blonde hair was pulled back in a ponytail and she wore a tank top and purple pajama shorts.
“Hey,” she whispered. She sounded sad. Shay felt bad. She imagined it couldn’t be easy on her. All of the sudden, her best friend had a complete change of personality. If the roles had been reversed, Shay assumed she’d act the same way that Heather did. Not that she would ever wish what happened to her on anyone, especially not her best friend.
“What are you doing up?” Shay asked, offering her best friend the seat on the futon that was in her room against the wall.
“I couldn’t sleep. Then I went to the bathroom and saw your light on. Shay, I’m so sorry,” she said, surprising Shay.
“Why are you apologizing,” she asked, confused. If anyone should be apologizing, it was her. Shay was the one who’d changed. She’s the one that was letting their friendship drift apart.
“I’ve acted like such a bitch. I know that you never intended to hurt me, or any of us. And I knew that, but that didn’t stop me from treating you so horribly. I’m not going to lie to you, I don’t like how much you’ve changed, and it scares me. You’re not the happy go to girl that you used to be, but I can accept you for who you are. I promise. I just need time to adjust. I don’t want to lose you forever,” Heather cried, staring down at her fingers.
It was shocking for Shay to see Heather in the state she was in. She was usually so put together. She was never afraid to tell you what she was thinking, yet here she was pouring her heart out to Shay and she seemed to be a tad nervous.
“Heather, I’m not mad, or even upset. I’m mostly just confused. I thought out of everyone that you’d be there for me in my time of need, but you made me feel like such an outsider. You made me feel like everything I was doing was wrong, and you accused me of blowing you off for Brice. I wouldn’t do that. I could never do that. I’ve known Brice for all of five minutes. I’ve known you my whole life. Do you have any idea how much it hurt for all of you to disapprove of the person I’ve become?” Shay asked, pouring her emotions into each and every word.
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