“I’m sorry that I hurt you, I really am.” Heather told her, feeling the guilt and shame that came from her hurting the only best friend she ever had.
“Let’s just leave it in the past. We don’t have to spend the next week like this. I mean, we might as well spend as much time together as possible, right? You’re leaving in a week’s time,” Shay said. As hard as seeing her friends was, she loved them deeply and didn’t want to say goodbye yet.
“Actually we’re not.”
“What do you mean?” Shay asked, shocked.
“Well, it’s summer. Maybe not for you, since you moved and start three weeks earlier than us now, but we’re on vacation and we wanted to spend more time with you. Your parents even said it was okay. Chelsea, Maxie, David and I are all going to stay for a few weeks. Well, that is, if it’s okay with you,” Heather said cheerfully. It made Shay smile that she was getting back to her usual self.
“How could I say no when you put it like that? You seem happy,” Shay told her. Sure, it was difficult for her to be around her friends right now, but at the same time it was difficult for her to be away from them. She was torn. She wasn’t happy in life, but maybe her friends being close would at least get her to a bearable point, and she wasn’t about to make the rest of their lives miserable, just because hers was.
“So, now that we’re back to loving each other and not hating each other, what is up with Brice?”
Shay smiled at the sound of his name, and she didn’t even know why. “We’re just friends.”
“You’re totally not just friends. Did you see the way he looked at you when you came downstairs after crying? It was like he could behead someone for upsetting you,” Heather sang.
“Not true. Anyway, I can’t be with anyone right now, and more than that, David kissed me,” Shay confessed to her best friend, relieved that she could finally talk to someone about the awkward moment.
Heather’s eyes began to widen, a grin growing on her face. She was always David’s number one supporter, and to this day she still believed they belonged together.
“You’re with David?” Heather asked hopefully.
“Not at all. I told him it was useless to fight for me because in all honesty, I don’t think we’d ever work. Not this time.” Shay knew her friend was going to have something to say about that statement.
“Brice seems like a cool dude and all, but you and David, you belong together. Don’t let that go.”
Shay felt like screaming. The truth was Brice had nothing to do with it, she didn’t even feel for Brice in that way, at least she didn’t think she did. The fact was that she wasn’t ever going to be able to feel for a guy what a seventeen-year-old should be able to feel. All she’d see was him. She couldn’t bear the touch of any guy on her body. It disgusted her. It was just better if David cut all his ties and moved on. Despite everything, Brice or no Brice, she and David wouldn’t ever be together again.
She couldn’t bear it.
Chapter Eight
Waking up the next morning, Shay turned to find herself next to her best friend. They’d stayed up for hours just talking the way they used to.
Heather told her about the guy she’d been seeing, although she never mentioned a name. It turned out she was falling in love for the first time. Shay felt happy for her friend. She was glad to see someone’s life going great. Heather talked for a long time about how Shay needed to give David the time of day.
Shay loved her best friend more than anything, but deep down she just wished she would stop pushing David on her. They were over and the sooner David accepted that, the better for him. She’d never be able to love him.
Getting out of bed, she quickly showered, dressed and then sat down at her desk and began to write in her diary.
***
Dear Diary,
She keeps pushing me to give Davidanother chance. Doesn’t she understand? I’m broken. I’ve lost the ability to love. I can’t love anyone, not even myself. The thought of someone else touching my body in such an intimate way makes my skin crawl.
I’m glad that Heather and I made up, but she just doesn’t understand. How could she? I feel trapped inside of someone else’s body, someone else’s life. How in the hell do I get better when I can still feel him everywhere?
***
“What are you doing?” Shay heard Heather call from over her shoulder, and she hesitantly closed the diary.
“I’m not doing anything. I’m going to go downstairs and get some breakfast though,” Shay informed her as she put her diary in one of her desk drawers and locked it. That would be a disaster waiting to happen.
“I’ll come with you,” she said. “So what’s on the agenda today?”
“I have plans with Brice,” Shay commented as they headed down the hallway to the top of the stairs.
“What about us? I thought you said we could spend more time together?” Heather asked in a disapproving voice. Shay knew that deep down it had less to do with her not spending time with them, than it did that she was going to spend time with Brice rather than David.
“I’ll be back soon, I can’t bail on him. I promised, and I always keep my promises,” she said with a smile.
“Why not? You said it yourself, you barely even know him.” Heather’s defense was feeble. In the end she knew Shay would go. “Brice is my friend just as much as you are. In fact, he’s the only friend I have here. I’m not going to leave him hanging, and he wouldn’t do that to me. You know, you’d actually like him, if you just gave him a chance,” Shay said harshly.
Heather didn’t dislike Brice because of anything she heard or assumed about him, she only disliked him because she felt like he was the only thing standing in the way of Shay and David. “I doubt that. He comes off kind of cocky. “
“He’s not though. Deep down inside of that thick skull of his, he’s a decent guy. You just have to give him a chance.” There’s was a time when she thought Brice was a self-centered, cocky bastard, but now she was about to go face one of her biggest fears with him. Heights.
“I doubt that. When will you be back?”
“To be honest, I’m not even sure. But I’ll try to make it soon,” Shay called from her bathroom as she dressed.
“Where are you going?”
“Cliff jumping,” Shay replied, her heart racing with thrill. She was excited yet terrified. Ever since the incident she’d been so afraid to live, but Brice was bringing something out in her she thought she never had. Courage.
“You cannot be serious.”
“I am,” Shay told her and when they reached the kitchen, she was faced with Brice.
“What are you doing here?” Shay asked him. She hadn’t even realized he was there.
“I’m waiting for you. Remember, we have plans,” Brice said, moving away from Chris to close the distance between him and Shay.
“You could have called, or texted,” she suggested.
“What’s wrong with surprise?” Brice asked in a mocking tone.
“There’s nothing wrong with it, but if you would have called I would have been ready by now.”
“I suppose that’s true, but it’s okay, I had your brother over there to keep me company,” Brice said. He was surprised how much he really did like Chris.
“Well, do you want something for breakfast?” Shay offered, walking to the fridge to take out a bag of bagels. She held out a bottle of water.
“I already ate, but thank you anyway,” Brice said, taking the bottle.
“So, what do the two of you have planned today? “ Chris asked as he took a bite of the bagel he’d made.
“I’m taking your sister cliff diving,” Brice said, his eyes on Shay as she ate.
“Cliff jumping? What in the world are you thinking?” Chris scolded Brice.
“I’m thinking it’ll be fun. And she says that she hasn’t done anything fun since she got here. What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t change that?” Brice said playfully as he took a sip of his
water.
“Aren’t there other things you could do for fun without trying to get my sister killed?”
“It’s totally safe. It’s not completely high you know. People do it all the time.”
“You better take care of my little sister, or I swear to God, I’ll kill you.” Shay smiled at her protective big brother. She knew that no matter what, she’d always have her brother on her side. When all else failed, her brother would always be the one to take care of her.
“Ry, it’ll be okay. I promise, I’m not even completely sure I’m going cliff diving, but I promised to go check it out. I never once promised to jump,” she said, aiming her last statement at Brice.
“It’ll be fun,” Brice teased. He felt his phone vibrate. As he took it out, there was a text from Marissa.
[Marissa:] I miss you. Please, give me another chance.
Sighing, he put the phone back into his pocket. He didn’t have time for this. The sight of Marissa made him sick. He had nothing to say to her, and he wanted nothing more than for her to just leave him alone.
“Are you okay? “ Shay questioned, observing his sudden change of attitude, breaking him from his thoughts.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Ready to go,” Brice asked, shaking off the feeling of disgust left over from Marissa.
“You brought your bike?” Shay asked in a disapproving tone as Chris, David, Chelsea, Maxie and Heather followed them outside.
“I did,” Brice told her with a smirk. He knew exactly how she’d react.
“And you expect me to get on the back of that thing?” Shay asked, crossing her arms and giving him a death glare.
“I do. Come on, Shay, live a little.”
“If I had a death wish I would, but I’m not ready to die yet,” Shay said. The truth was she was already dead, at least on the inside.
“Come on, you know it’s tempting,” Brice said, as he leaned against his bike.
“If she doesn’t want to, she doesn’t have to,” Heather hissed.
Standing with her arms crossed, Shay’s expression softened. Live a little? Could she do that? Did she want to do that? Could she get on the back of his bike and be okay with being so close to him?
Live a little.
She’d been in the dark for so long, maybe it was time for her to take a chance.
“Give me that,” Shay said, holding her hands out for the helmet Brice held.
“Let me help you,” Brice said, buckling the helmet in place on her head.
“Are you sure about this Shay,” she heard Chris ask from over her shoulder.
“I am,” she assured him, then turned to Brice. “Where is your helmet?”
“I don’t need one,” he said.
“Shay, are you crazy? You cannot get on that thing. You could get seriously hurt,” Heather said.
“Heather, calm down. I’ll be fine.”
“Shall we go,” Brice asked, hopping on his bike. Shay followed suit, wrapping her arms around him.
“Yes.” And then they were gone.
Shay had to admit that riding down an open highway on a vehicle with no roof or walls was quite the risk. Sure, she’d taken her Maserati flying down back roads as fast as she could go tons of times, but this was different.
It was a bike.
She felt excitement rise inside her as Brice began to speed. She felt fearless for the first time in months, and she felt like she could take on the world. Even though she knew this feeling was only temporary, she wanted to embrace it. Wrapping her arms tighter around Brice, she began to feel free, the invisible chains that kept her prisoner to her past came off. The thrill of the ride was exhilarating.
She knew that if it were possible, she’d want to live in this moment forever. The thrill and excitement of speeding down a highway was just enough to pause her pain and hurt for just a little while. She wanted to stay right here, right now.
As the bike began to slow, the feelings came rushing back to her. Everything in her dark world became reality again, rather than something that was just a horrible dream.
“How do you feel,” Brice asked, helping her off the bike. She flinched at his touch.
“I’m good.” When she looked around, she was speechless. It was beautiful. He led her to the grass that lead to the cliff. It was different from Florida. Florida was humid and unbearable. Arizona was beautiful. The grass wasn’t dead, as it had been in Florida. The air, while it was warm, also had a breeze to it. The sky was a beautiful shade of blue, as the sun was high enough to shine down.
She looked around the lake and noticed that the cliff went all the way around. It wasn’t too high, but higher than she’d like to be. She was afraid as she looked down. The water was a pretty blue. She could see where the sun’s rays glared off it. Brice stood beside her, except rather than looking at the view, he was watching her.
“It’s beautiful,” Shay told him.
“It is. I like to come here to think as I do with that other place I took you. However, this place I find more comforting, I like to sit on the edge and get lost in my thoughts,” he explained to her, turning his head to check out the view.
“It really is peaceful here.”
“It is. So what do you say?” Brice asked her hopefully.
“I don’t think I can,” she admitted, feeling the harsh reality coming back to her. She felt hopeless. She couldn’t do this. She wasn’t capable of having fun, not after what happened.
“What are you afraid of?” Brice asked.
“Falling,” she said.
“I’ll protect you, Shay, just give me the chance to do so. Don’t be afraid,” Brice told her, extending a hand toward her. “Trust me. Take my hand. I’ll be with you the entire time.”
She stared at the hand in front of her. Could she take it? How could she possibly do something so crazy? Brice had been nothing but nice to her and something in her was fearful because of it. She liked Brice; he was her friend, and the truth was that she felt good around him. Now here she was hesitant to trust him to stop her from falling. Looking into his eyes, she saw his hope. And she knew he’d never intentionally hurt her. Slowly, she reached her hand out for his and linked their fingers together.
“Are you ready?” he asked her.
“Yes…”
“On three?” Brice suggested.
Nodding, Shay closed her eyes.
“One,” Brice counted as Shay’s heart raced faster. “Two, three!” She opened her eyes when they jumped.
Falling from what felt like a thousand feet above, Shay felt daring. She liked the feeling of living on the edge, it was exciting. As she went under the water, she felt a rush of excitement. If she was counting, it was the one millionth time it happened today. And she’d do anything to keep feeling it.
“That was such a rush,” Shay said when she surfaced. Turning around in the water, she found Brice was smirking. His wet hair was pushed back in a way that made him look like a bad boy. His eyes were a beautiful shade of green, his smile as beautiful as she’d ever seen.
“Told you it would be fun.”
“It’s the first time I’ve had fun in so long,” Shay confessed.
“Well, I’m here to make sure you have fun every day from now on. I’m going to make it my personal mission,” he informed her as he began to swim closer. Closer than she could bear.
“Can I ask you something?” Brice asked her seriously.
“Of course,” she told him.
“Why are you so afraid to live?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that you’re so afraid to take risks, but when you do you enjoy them, possibly even more than me. A girl like you should be the one to come up with the thrilling idea,” Brice pointed out.
“I was that girl once, but the thing is Brice, you don’t always stay the person that you want to be. Sometimes things happen, and you’re forced to change.” Shay explained to him in a heartbreaking tone. It was true, she never wanted to change, and she missed the girl she used to b
e. She missed her more than anything in the world, but that girl was gone and dead.
“What happened to you that forced you to change,” he asked. It was the one question she hoped he’d never ask.
“Nothing happened to me. I just changed.” She splashed him before the conversation could go any deeper.
“Oh that’s how it is?” Brice splashed back and they got into a full on splash fight, and soon after Brice was too close to her. He put his hand on her stomach, attempting to tickle her.
Memories came flooding back to her. It was dark, he was there. He was touching her. She felt dirty. Please stop.
“Stop!” Shay left him in the water, alone and confused.
Chapter Nine
Shay stared at her white walls as she lay in her bed. It had been two weeks since she hung out with Brice, ever since she flipped out on him.
He’d tried calling, texting, he even stopped by one day, but she convinced her brother to tell him she wasn’t home. She couldn’t face him. She was embarrassed, but more than that she was a coward. She let herself start to feel again, and it got her in trouble.
Whether she wanted to admit it or not, he was always going to be a part of everything she did. He took her life and he turned it into a nightmare that she relived every single day.
Growing up, she always hated secrets, and now they defined her. She had so many of them, and they consumed her, controlled her. She had no control over her life, and it was the only thing she felt like she needed right now.
She walked into her bathroom and washed her face. The warm water on her face was soothing. It was just what she needed. Looking in the mirror, tears pricked her eyes. She couldn’t hold on to any of it anymore.
She let all her anger consume her, she almost didn’t even notice herself punch the mirror before it shattered in pieces, just like she was. Everything was unraveling in her life, she was pushing out the one person in her life that didn’t judge her and she didn’t know how to handle it.
Why did he want to be her friend anyway? In the end she’d ruin him, just like she ruined everything.
Break Me Down Page 7
