Break Me Down

by Tasha Gwartney

  “I meant the miscarriage. Brice, what happened was tragic enough, how could I possibly carry his spawn inside of me for nine months knowing how it was conceived? I would have hated that child, the way I hate its father.”

  Brice stared at her as he took in her statement. He could see her facial expression darken as she talked about the baby and the man who did this to her. Her eyes became distant and cold and her mouth twisted.

  “I can’t believe you’ve dealt with all of this on your own,” he said again.

  “I had no choice; I couldn’t bear for anyone else to know. I felt dirty. I still do,” she admitted as she entwined their fingers together.

  “You’re not alone, and you’re not dirty. I’ll do whatever it takes to make you feel safe again.”

  “I don’t want to hurt anymore. I want to wake up every day and feel happy that I’m with you and know that I can take care of myself, but I can’t.”

  “I have an idea. You want to feel safe? Come with me. We’ll get you there,” Brice said, moving from the bed and putting a shirt on.

  Shay wasn’t sure what he had up his sleeve, but the trust she had in him was without a doubt as strong as ever. She took his hand and he led her back out to the real world.

  Chapter Twenty

  Shay sat and waited for her friends. They were supposed to be here well over an hour ago. Heather promised that she wouldn’t be late.

  She sat on the curb of the school, still wearing her yoga pants and black tank top. She loved being on the track team more than anything. She loved to run; it wasn’t just because it kept her in shape, but because it always cleared her mind.

  She tried calling Heather for the millionth time, but got no answer. She hated this. If the roles were reversed, she’d never have stood Heather up like this. And the worst part of it all was that Heather, Chelsea, and Maxie were probably up to no good. If she had her car, getting home would be no problem.

  Giving up, she decided to call Chris.

  “Hello?” He answered almost immediately.

  “Hey, Ry. I need a ride. Can you come get me,” she asked, feeling guilty. The last thing she wanted to do was intrude on her brother.

  “I thought the girls were coming to get you,” he stated.

  “I thought so too. I’ve been waiting for an hour and they’re still not here.”

  “Baby girl, I’m an hour away. I’m on my way back from Phoenix. If you can hang in for an hour, I’ll be there, but if not, I can see if I can find you a ride,” he said. Chris was always looking out for her, no matter what.

  “I can wait. I’d rather fit some time in to work out anyway. Just come get me when you get here.”

  “I will. Be safe, okay? You never know who’s in that school at night. Keep your phone on you just in case,” Chrissaid, going into his protective brother personality.

  “Ry, I love that you care, but I’ll be fine.”

  “Are you sure you don’t want me to just call someone,” he asked.

  “I’ll be okay, just hurry, okay?”

  “I think I’m going to have a word with Ms. Heather when I see her,” Chrissaid angrily.

  “Don’t,” Shaytold him. The last thing she needed was the wrath that was her best friend.

  “Shay, she left you there at the school and it’s almost eight thirty. It’s getting dark out,” he informed her.

  “I know, but I’m okay. I love you, just get here soon.” Shay hung up.

  Half an hour later, she was sweaty from running on the treadmill. She decided to take a break, so she sat and read the book that she had on the kindle application on her phone.

  She lost track of time until she finally felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned around, expecting to find her brother, but instead she found someone else.

  “Oh hi,” she said to one of Chris’s buddies.

  “Hey, there Shay,” he said. She’d known him her whole life. He was the only one who called her that.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “I came to get something out of David’s locker for him. How about you,” he asked, his blue eyes fixated on her.

  “I’m waiting for my brother. Heather stood me up, so I had to call him to come get me, but he was an hour away.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry. You working out?”

  “I was.” Shaytold him as she put a small, white towel around her neck.

  “Interesting.” He took a step closer to her. “You know, Shay, I always thought you were exceptionally beautiful.”

  Shay froze where she stood. What the hell was going on? This was David’s older brother. Not to mention her brother’s friend. How could he possibly go there?

  “Um, thanks,” she said shakily.

  “I’ve watched you every single day since the day I met you. And I even recognize your scent when I smell it… I love your vanilla smell.”

  “Stop.” She pushed him away.

  “Shay, Shay,” he said as he pulled her close. Before she knew it, he was crushing her lips with his.

  The kiss was unwanted. She tried to push away from him, but he was too strong. He crushed her hands behind her as he pushed her into the wall of the gym. When he finally broke the kiss, he stared at her with cold eyes.

  “I’ve wanted to do that for so long,” he said.

  “Please stop,” she begged, afraid of where all this was going.

  “You know you want it as bad as I do. Don’t try to deny it.”

  “I’m with David, I like him. This is wrong on so many levels.” She hoped he cared about his little brother as much as Chris cared about her.

  “We don’t have to tell him. It’s just you and me tonight,” he told her, in a creepy tone.

  “My brother will be here soon. Please let me go,” she begged.

  “I’m sure he won’t be here for a while.”

  Cupping her face with one hand, he began to kiss her neck. She felt the feeling of disgust rise in her. How could this be happening? She didn’t want this. She wanted Chris to come bursting through the door to make everything better. She thought of David, her boyfriend, someone she cared about so much. How could she betray him this way? She needed to fight for him.

  Bringing up her knee, she kneed him in between his legs,causing him to fall to the ground. When he finally released her, she grabbed her phone off the bench and then ran like hell.

  She hid in the locker room under a bench. The room was dark, so she hoped he wouldn’t be able to find her.

  “Shay, Shay,” he said when he spotted her.He grabbed her phone before she could dial a number.

  “Please leave me alone,” she begged after climbing out from under the bench and going to the opposite side of the room. He grabbed her arm and pulled her to him.

  “You’re so beautiful.God, I could stare at you forever,” he told her.

  “I have to go,” she said, but he wouldn’t let her move. He tightened his grip around her arms, causing her pain. She knew it would bruise.

  “I’ve watched you for years; I just never had the guts to get you alone until now.” He smiled. “Beautiful, innocent little Shay. You’re a virgin, aren’t you?”

  “That’s none of your business,” she breathed.

  “Feisty, aren’t we,” he asked, grabbing her hands so she couldn’t move.

  “Please let me go. I won’t tell, just please let me go,” Shaybegged.

  “Shh. It’ll be over soon,” he told her,pinning her beneath him and unbuckling his pants. In that moment, she knew there was no stopping it.

  “Now, we should have a little talk before we part ways tonight,” he told her when he was finished.

  Shay said nothing; she just laid in the position he left her in and curled up into a ball. She felt the dry tears on her face. She was all cried out.

  “You are not to tell a soul what happened here. If you tell a soul, I will kill Chris and both your parents,” he warned. A part of her wanted to call him on his bluff, but the other part couldn’t. She’d known him her whole li
fe, trusted him even, and at this point she’d believe anything he said was true.

  Still, she said nothing, minutes passed like hours and all she wanted to do was shake this dirty feeling.

  “He’s your friend,” she whispered finally.

  “Maybe, but don’t for one second think I won’t kill him.”

  “You… why?”

  “The moment I laid eyes on you, I knew I had to have you. It was only a matter of when.”

  “What about David,” she asked.

  “I love my little brother, but he’s not right for you. He’s just too nice and we both know you don’t want a nice boy.”

  “I like David,” she argued in a soft whisper.

  “Well, we’ll see. But you have to promise not to tell.”

  She said nothing. She had nothing left to say.

  “Say the words Shay,” he demanded.

  “I… Won’t tell. I promise,” she said, trying to control her emotions.

  “That’s my good girl.” He smiled then kissed the top of her head. “You shouldn’t have been here at night anyway. If you were never here, this wouldn’t have happened. You’re to blame just as much as I am, sweetheart.” Then he left the room.

  Racing from the car after her brother picked her up, Shay hurried upstairs to the shower. How could this have happened? How could she have let it happen? She couldn’t think straight, she had no recollection of how she got here.

  The tears started pouring down her face as she undressed and got in the shower. She felt dirty. She felt disgusting. She took the bottle of vanilla scented body wash, poured what seemed like a half of a bottle on her white pouf and began to violently scrub her body. The memories of a few hours ago began to take over her mind. Shay continued to scrub her body with body wash until she became red.

  Finally letting her emotions get the best of her, she sank to the floor of the shower as water poured over her body and began to sob. How could one night change her entire life? She wanted to go to her mom. She wanted to curl up in her arms and let it all go, but she knew she couldn’t do that. He’d made her promise not to tell a single soul, and her family’s lives were at stake here. She wasn’t willing to risk any of them, but more than that, she could tear apart their lives the way her life had just been taken from her. She wouldn’t do that.

  After an hour of sitting on the shower floor, she finally gained enough strength to get out and grab a towel. Wrapping herself in it, she headed to her bedroom, almost jumping out of her skin when she saw David.

  “Hey there baby,” he greeted her as she sat on the bed.

  “You shouldn’t be here,” she said to him, gripping her towel tighter to her. She was thankful it had been one of her bigger ones.

  “I missed you,” he said as he took a step forward and put his lips on her.

  She couldn’t do it. All she could feel was her rapist.

  “Stop,” she screamed at him.

  “Shay, what’s wrong,” he questioned in his concerned boyfriend tone.

  “I can’t do this. I can’t.”

  “Can’t do what?”

  “Us.”

  “Why not? I know I haven’t been around, but I’ve been sick. That doesn’t negate the fact that I love you though.”

  “It’s not you, David, it’s me. I’m not breaking up with you, but I just need a little bit of space right now,” she explained.

  “I can understand that, I guess. You’ll call me,” he asked.

  “I promise.”

  “Okay.” He left.

  Shay never called him. She avoided him for the rest of the time she lived in Tampa, and then she moved away, not even giving him notice.

  She couldn’t face the brother of the man who’d raped her, no matter how much she cared about him. The resemblance was there. She saw him every time she looked at David. From that day forward, she vowed to never let anyone in again. She’d never trust anyone. She’d take this secret to the grave no matter how much she was hurt inside.

  She’d live her life in hell, but she’d never tell another soul.

  Chapter Twenty One

  Shay sat in her room and thought about the past few months. It had been two months since she was completely honest with Brice. She felt the weight of the world lift from her shoulders that day. It was like she could breathe again.

  It had been so long since she was able to be completely honest and open with someone that she forgot how comforting it felt to not be alone. She remembered the day she told Brice about the rape as if it was yesterday. He didn’t look at her with pity, regret, or disgust. He just looked at her with a look that said he wanted to make her pain go away.

  After the tears and all her confessions, he promised to find a way to make her feel safe. He vowed it. He took her to a shooting rage and taught her to shoot. He wanted to make sure no matter what that she’d never feel as vulnerable as she did the night she was taken advantage of.

  As she stood in front of the mirror that stood by her dresser, she felt happy. She couldn’t explain it, but after finally being able to completely open up with Brice, it felt like the past couldn’t control her anymore, and he couldn’t hurt her anymore.

  “What are you doing sweetheart,” her father asked, coming into her room.

  Shay became nervous as her father came to sit on the futon.

  They still hadn’t made up. He was still dead set on trying to tear her from Brice, but she wasn’t going to budge. She wasn’t going to let her father take her happiness away. Brice had saved her life, and for that, she was going to fight for him until the day she couldn’t fight anymore.

  “What do you want Daddy,” she asked, irritably.

  “I guess I deserve that. I came to talk about Brice,” he said.

  “You can save your breath if that’s what you’ve come to talk about. I don’t want to hear it. You can go now,” she told him, walking to her desk to sit down.

  “I came to apologize, Shay.”

  “You did? “ She couldn’t contain the shock in her voice.

  “I did. Baby, come sit. I’m sorry for everything. I have nothing against Brice. In fact, from what I hear he’s a decent young man. I just love you so much and I want to protect you from everything. You’ve been so distant and broken for the past few months, and I didn’t want him to hurt you any worse than you already were,” Nicholas told her as she scooted her chair closer to him.

  “Daddy, Brice isn’t going to hurt me. I know that you’re afraid of that but he’s helped me so much in the short few months that I’ve known him. He’s good to me. He treats me so well. He likes me a lot and I like him just as much,” Shay commented as she thought about all the times she’d spent with him.

  “Shay, you’re my little girl and I guess I have to accept that you’re growing up. More than that, these past several months I’ve seen you change into someone completely different than who you used to be. Whether you want to admit that you were in pain or not, I know my little girl and I know when she’s hurting,” Nicholas told his daughter as he took her hands in his. He knew deep down that he’d been wrong, but he was too stubborn to admit that. He had nothing against Brice. He just didn’t want to see Shay suffer any more than she had to.

  “Daddy, Brice is different. I feel safe with him. He wants all my burdens to be his as well. He makes me happier than I’ve been in so long, and I don’t want to give that up. I can’t give that up. He’s saved my life, and now I’m going to fight for him just as much as he’s fought for me in my darkest days,” Shay announced.

  “And that’s all I’ve ever wanted for you. The past few months, I’ve been very unsupportive, and I know that. I just love you so much and the thought of you growing up scares me so much. I don’t want to let you go. I want you to say my little princess forever,” he confessed, his eyes soft.

  “Daddy, you don’t have to let me go. Not yet anyway. I love you so much and I was really hurt when you weren’t there for me. You’ve always been my rock and then one day you just we
ren’t anymore. You kept trying to tear me from Brice. And then you made me feel like you didn’t want me to be happy, like my happiness didn’t matter anymore. “

  “Sweetheart, I don’t ever want you to feel like that. I never want you to feel like your happiness doesn’t matter to me, because it does. It matters more to me than anything else. I know that my behavior says otherwise, but I made a mistake. You’re my little girl, my only little girl, and that’s what makes it so hard to accept the fact that you’re dating. With David it was different. He was a good kid and all, but I couldn’t see that lasting. There was just something about him that made it impossible to see you with him forever. Brice, on the other hand, I can imagine… With him, it’s pretty serious.” Nicholas spoke with a tone in his voice that made Shay want to run into his arms and tell him that he’d never lose her.

  “Daddy, it’s very serious. I can do something with Brice that I haven’t been able to do for so long, and that’s be myself,” she explained. The last thing she ever needed was for her parents to find out the truth of that night.

  “You should invite him over for dinner sometime this week. Then, we’ll get to know him and see if he’s right for our Shay,” her father told her before kissing her on the cheek.

  “Daddy, thank you! Oh, thank you so much,” she cheered. She loved that her father was finally coming around.

  “Baby, anything for you. Now, what do you say to a good old fashion run, like we used to do before we moved here? I have the day off from the hospital today and I thought I could spend it with my baby girl.”

  “I’d love that Daddy. And I’d love to spend the day with you. I’m glad you’ve decided to give Brice a chance the way you once gave David a chance. Daddy, I love you so much,” Shay said as she moved into his lap, like she did so many times when she was a kid. It was different this time; she wanted to hold on for dear life. She now knew what it meant not to have a father, like Brice, and she’d do whatever it took to always make sure her father was present in her life.

  ***

  Brice sat at the kitchen counter of his kitchen as he waited for his mother to come back down the stairs. She’d told him that she needed to talk to him about something important, and the statement didn’t sit well with him. The last time she said that to him was when she was telling him that his father left. He remembered that day as if it was yesterday. He remembered the pain that stabbed right into his heart, as well as the tears that never stopped flowing.