Don't Let Go: A Full Hearts Novella

by MJ Summers

  Outside, she watched as the police loaded Ben, Cole, Ian, Eric and some of the other guys into squad cars. Ben looked at her through the window and the look on his face stabbed at her heart. He looked beaten up, but more than that, he looked panicked in a way she hadn’t seen him before. But she wasn’t going to open her heart to him again just to have it crushed.

  Good, she thought. Let him wonder about what I’m doing for once. If he wanted me, he would have come here with me tonight instead of that blonde.

  She was done chasing him. She wasn’t going to be waiting in the wings anymore for him to do what he pleased and see who he wanted. If he really had wanted to be with her, he would have called her long ago. The fact that he wanted to fight Eric was just plain confusing to her. He didn’t want to be with her but he didn’t seem to want anyone else to be with her either. Ben couldn’t have it both ways. Alicia was twenty-one and ready to find somebody who wanted to be with her as much as she wanted to be with him.

  * * *

  The next evening Ben arrived at Alicia’s house shortly after suppertime. He hadn’t called first. He had been restless and angry all day, wanting to go see her but not wanting to want that. Something about the sight of her in that little dress with that asshole all over her had flipped on a switch in him, illuminating feelings that he had been trying to stuff away for years.

  He stood in front of her house in the cold chill of the evening air, flipping the keys in his hand for a long minute before walking up the sidewalk. Ben shook his head, then started to walk back down the steps when he heard the door open behind him. He turned to see Alicia’s father standing in the doorway, his massive arms folded across his broad chest.

  “Ben.” He nodded. His expression was that of a man who was thoroughly unimpressed with what he saw. His crewcut was shaped perfectly, adding to the intimidating quality that was the army officer’s most notable feature. “Alicia’s not here. She went out.”

  Ben looked down for a moment, remembering what he looked like now, with his nose still swollen and both eyes black. He shouldn’t have come. “Mr. Williams. Sorry to disturb your evening, sir. I was just leaving.”

  “You must’ve come here for something, Ben.”

  “Yeah. No,” he mumbled as he turned toward his truck. Turning back he said, “I don’t know. There’s just this guy that Alicia met last night that she should stay away from. I just wanted to tell her that.”

  Mr. Williams gave Ben a hard look and took a step outside. “Who? Mark seemed like a nice kid.”

  “Mark? Who’s Mark?” Ben asked. “I was talking about a guy I saw her talking to, Eric.”

  “Well, I don’t know anything about any Eric but a nice young man named Mark picked her up a few minutes ago. College student. Very polite.”

  Ben felt like he had been hit by a train. “Oh, well, good. That’s good. I better go. Sorry to have disturbed you.”

  Ben strode quickly around the front of his old blue pickup and unlocked the driver’s door.

  “Good night, Ben.”

  “Night, sir.”

  Ben pulled away from the curb carefully, knowing Mr. Williams would be watching him. Shit. She was out on a date with some college guy. Of course he had missed his chance. He couldn’t expect to leave a girl like Alicia behind for more than three years and find her still waiting for him while he chased a dream that didn’t look like it was ever going to happen now. She had always been, in his mind, that perfect girl that no one else could quite measure up to. A nagging feeling followed him around whenever he dated other girls or thought of her. That feeling was regret. Now as he drove aimlessly through the streets of Colorado Springs, he realized that he didn’t even know why he had gone over to see her. Good for her if she was moving on. He had told her to. Then why had seeing her last night damn near killed him?

  Ben found himself driving downtown past the restaurants and pubs. He spotted Alicia standing in front of the Twin Peaks Theatre, her date beside her with his hand resting on her back. Ben pulled his truck to a stop across the street from the theatre. He watched as the two looked lost in conversation. Alicia must have found something Mark said funny because she laughed out loud, touching his arm. Ben felt a stab in his heart.

  “Son of a bitch,” Ben muttered to himself. The guy was good-looking, a college student and apparently funny as well. He would be hard to compete with. But Ben wasn’t going to enter the contest. He should have been happy for Alicia to be having a good time with someone her father approved of. Then why did he have an overwhelming urge to break those fingers that were touching her back? Without thinking about it, he ripped the keys from the ignition and jumped out of his truck. Jogging across the street, he made a beeline for Alicia.

  Clearing his throat, he called Alicia’s name quietly. She turned when she heard him, her face displaying a flash of surprise before setting with a stern glare. She looked every bit as beautiful as the night before, only now with a more natural look, her cheeks pink from the cold air and her blue scarf tucked around her neck, bringing out the colour of those eyes.

  “Ben,” she replied, sounding and looking almost as intimidating as her father at that moment.

  Ben cleared his throat and took a step toward her. He looked at Mark and gave him a little nod. “Hi. I need one second with Alicia if you don’t mind.”

  Mark opened his mouth to speak but Alicia beat him to it. “Why are you asking him? If you want my time you should be asking me. And the answer is no, Ben. I don’t have time to talk to you. I’m on a date right now.”

  “I just wanted to apologize for starting that fight last night,” Ben said quietly. “I was out of line.”

  “And you’re out of line right now, pal. She said she’s busy.” Mark’s voice was firm as he spoke. He puffed his chest up and narrowed his eyes at Ben.

  Ben stared at him for a moment, suddenly recognizing him from the bar. “You’re the bartender with the air horn.”

  “And you’re the meathead that started the brawl last night.”

  Ben cracked his knuckles, feeling his every muscle awaken with an indignant tension. Alicia recognized the look on Ben’s face and stepped forward, grabbing him by the arm and leading him away from Mark.

  “Stop this,” she hissed under her breath. “You’re embarrassing me.”

  “I’m not trying to embarrass you, I just really wanted to talk to you.”

  “What could you possibly have to say to me?” Alicia put her hands on her hips and levelled him with another glare. “You made it pretty clear three years ago that I’m not part of the grand plan you have for your life. And you haven’t contacted me since. You don’t want me but you don’t want anyone else to have me either? It’s bullshit, Ben. We’re nothing to each other anymore. Now go home.” Her words were quiet but harsh and she sounded like she meant every one of them.

  Ben rubbed a hand over his face, trying to wipe away a wave of frustration. He could have had her if he had just been willing to admit it sooner. His dad had tried to tell him repeatedly, as had his heart. No matter how hard he had tried to get her off his mind, she had stayed etched in his brain as the only one for him. It didn’t matter how young they were or what his big dreams had been—they were meant for each other and now that he had finally let that realization sink in, he knew he was too late. For some reason, instead of just telling her the truth, he acted like a fool every time he was in her presence.

  He stared at her, letting her words sink in. “Fair enough, Alicia. Take care of yourself.”

  Alicia turned away without saying anything and plastered an apologetic smile on her face for Mark. “Sorry about that,” she said under her breath.

  He watched as they walked into the building before climbing into his truck and driving home to the ranch. A horrible feeling came over him. It was the feeling of someone whose numbers had finally come up in the lottery but who had forgotten to buy a ticket that week.

  * * *

  Alicia sat across the table from Mark, waitin
g for the right moment to approach the subject she had been avoiding for weeks. She wanted to find a way to break it off with him, knowing that she wasn’t in love with him. They had been casually dating for a few months now but hadn’t seen each other all that much, having both gone back to school in different cities after Christmas break. She had enjoyed talking with him on the phone and appreciated his sense of humour, but whenever he said anything remotely sexual, what was meant to turn her on had made her uncomfortable. As much as she had tried to force herself to have feelings for Mark, she just couldn’t. His only flaw was that he wasn’t Ben.

  “Hello? Earth to Alicia,” Mark teased. “What’s on that beautiful mind of yours that has you so far away?”

  Alicia offered him a tight smile before looking down at her salad. “The thing is, Mark, I think you want things that I’m unsure about.”

  Mark gave her a thoughtful expression and reached across the table to touch her hand. “Alicia, I’m not going to pressure you to do anything you aren’t ready for. I’d love it if you were ready, but if you aren’t, I can wait.”

  “To be honest, I don’t know that I’ll ever be ready to do those things. With you, I mean,” she replied, her voice so gentle he could hardly hear it.

  Mark pulled his hand back. “Oh. I see. So you’re breaking up with me.”

  Alicia winced and nodded, unable to look at him. “I’m so sorry. It’s nothing to do with you. I promise.”

  Mark rolled his eyes as he took out his wallet and put a twenty on the table. “It’s not me, it’s you? Is that it?”

  Alicia groaned. This was every bit as awkward as she had imagined. “In this case, it really is just me. You’re amazing and funny and thoughtful and really handsome and you’re going to meet the right girl and she’s going to be wonderful. She just isn’t going to be me.”

  Mark nodded. “So that’s why you didn’t want me to pick you up. You wanted your own car here.”

  “I just thought it would be easier if you didn’t feel like you needed to drive me home.”

  “Thanks.” His voice was sarcastic. “You know, next time you want to dump someone, just call them so they don’t waste their evening having supper with you first.” He got up and walked out without turning back, leaving Alicia sitting by herself, feeling guilty and relieved at the same time.

  * * *

  “Hey, little bro, how are you?” Ben spoke into the phone from his tiny motel room in Mississippi. He was there for spring training and even though it was early in the day, his room was already sweltering.

  “Fine. Senior year sucks big time though,” Cole complained. “How the hell did you get through it?”

  “You need to find a smart friend. Alicia helped me get through finals,” Ben confessed, his heart twisting a little at the thought of her. It had been weeks since he had let himself think about her, but now that her face popped into his head, he felt that familiar pang of regret. Between the practice schedule and keeping Ian out of trouble, Ben’s mind had been constantly occupied.

  “So that’s how you did this. I knew there was no way you were smarter than me,” Cole teased. “Hey, speaking of Alicia, I saw her at The Dive over Easter break. She was there with some blond guy. They seemed really into each other. She didn’t even notice when we sat down at the table next to them.”

  “Oh, really?” Ben’s voice cracked. He cleared his throat, trying to recover quickly from the disappointment currently seeping into his heart.

  “Yup. Looks like you blew it, bro. I think she’s getting it from the new guy.”

  Ben gripped the water bottle in his hand with such force it was crushed, shooting its contents out the top and spraying his shirt. “Well, he better be good to her or I’ll kick his ass when I get home,” he managed, grabbing a towel and dabbing at the soaked fabric.

  “Well, I hope you’re not coming home too soon,” Cole said.

  “Pretty sure it’ll be sooner than I wanted to. My hitting has turned to shit lately. Ian’s looking great though. I think they might call him up this year,” Ben replied, slumping down on the old chair next to his bed.

  “They should take you with him. You’re the only one who can even come close to catching his knuckleball.”

  “Yeah, that’s what Ian keeps telling them, but I’m pretty sure they have catchers in the bigs that can handle anything he could throw at them.”

  “Well, can those guys keep him out of trouble?”

  Ben scoffed. “I don’t think I could make it for that reason. It’s not looking too good for me, Cole. I have a feeling this might be the end of the road for me.”

  “Hmm, well, keep at it, Ben. You can do it, man. I know you can,” Cole offered.

  “Thanks, but sometimes you gotta know when to call it quits. I’ve given close to four years to a dream that isn’t going anywhere and is sure as shit not making me any money. I need to get to practice. Tell Mom and Dad I called, okay? I’ll try to call again in a couple of days.”

  “Okay, Ben. Hang in there,” Cole said.

  “Study hard, little bro. You’re probably going to have support my sorry ass someday,” Ben answered before he hung up.

  He collapsed onto his bed, a mass of frustration and regrets. Any day now, he would be on his way back home and it would be for good this time. He would be back home, the defeated hometown hero who didn’t make good on his promises. He knew he could always go back to work on the ranch. They would never stop needing his help there. Maybe someday he could take over when his parents were ready to retire. Thoughts of Alicia poured into his brain. She was still with that blond guy. The thought of her getting it from him made Ben feel physically sick. Now that he heard that, part of him just wanted to get on the next plane home and forget spring training altogether. Alicia would be finishing her degree in a month. He wondered if she’d be moving back home again. It really didn’t matter where she would be, though. They were nothing to each other, no matter how severely his hindsight had been scolding him since he saw her in that little red dress.

  FOUR

  September—2000

  Ben dropped his bags in his old bedroom and walked over to the window, staring out over the shimmering water of the lake in the soft autumn sun. He stretched, feeling achy and restless from the long bus ride. As much as Ben was glad to be home, he was bitterly disappointed to be letting go of his dream. He had given it his best shot, but after four years, he needed to figure out his next move. He was twenty-two with only a high-school education and nothing to show for his time since he’d left school. A deep sense of frustration and boredom rose up in his chest. Cole had left a few days before for university and the house felt too quiet without him.

  Looking out toward the barn, he saw his dad walking out guiding two horses, saddled up and ready to go. Jake spotted Ben and smiled up him, gesturing with his head for his son to join him. Ben grinned broadly and opened his window, calling down, “Give me a minute to change!”

  Three hours later, the two returned to the barn. The horses were breathing heavily from their workout. Ben slid down to his feet and patted his light-brown beast on her neck. Smiling over at his dad, he thanked him. “That was just what I needed.”

  Jake nodded. “Thought so. Sometimes a man needs a few hours out in the sunshine and fresh air to settle his mind.”

  “Yeah, thanks. I feel better, but that doesn’t change the fact that I am twenty-two and I don’t have the first damn clue what I’m going to do with my life, Dad.”

  “It’s okay not to know, Ben. You still got a lot of years left in you. You can stay here until you figure it out. But you know, we’ll always have a place for you here. And your mom and I have been talking a lot about finally getting out to see the world ourselves. It won’t be long before we’ll be looking for someone to take over the ranch.”

  “I know. Thanks.”

  “Here, you tend to the horses. I’m going to go see if I can sweet talk your mom into heating up some supper for us. I told her we’d be back over an h
our ago.” Jake gave his son a mock-scared expression and sauntered toward the house.

  Ben led the horses back to their stalls and started to remove their tack. A feeling of peace came over him for the first time in months as he quietly brushed them down and watered them. It was the calm he always felt when he was out riding in the mountains, breathing the fresh air, listening to the sounds of his wide-open surroundings. This was a good life for any man and even though he had fought so hard to avoid it, now that he was here again, he took great comfort in it, knowing he belonged somewhere, knowing he was skilled at something other than baseball.

  * * *

  Two weeks later, Ben drove into town to the batting cages. It was late in the afternoon and he had gone to shake off the frustration and failure that had clung to him since he got back to Colorado. The cages somehow afforded him a meditative experience in spite of their obvious reminder of his lost dream. The sound of the machine spitting out the ball, the ting of the bat hitting its intended projectile in just that sweet spot, the repetitive swings of his body all helped to clear his mind and restore a calm feeling.

  On the way home, Ben found himself driving past Alicia’s house. Actually, he didn’t find himself driving past her house so much as he went twenty blocks out of his way to her street. The sun slid behind the mountains in the distance as he turned on to her road. His stomach growled, reminding him that he had long since missed dinner at the ranch. Slowing as he approached her home, Ben pulled his truck over a few houses down from hers.

  He warmed the driver’s seat for a few minutes, working up the courage to get out and knock on her door. Should he go see her? He had heard around that she had finished her degree and was living with her parents again while she looked for a job. As far as he knew, she still had a boyfriend. Maybe she was even engaged by now. Even if that were the case, why couldn’t he go see her? They were old friends. He could just be stopping by to say hi and let her know he was back in town. That would be okay, wouldn’t it?