by Anita Notaro
‘Oh fine, I didn’t know you had connections here.’ I wondered what the story was.
‘Ah, just friends. I’m American, but I meet a lot of you folks and I feel I’m half Irish as a result.’
‘We do tend to get around a bit,’ I told him.
‘Hell, that’s an understatement – you’re everywhere,’ he declared. ‘Well, tell your client that I’m alive and well and, if I can help him in any way, he just has to ask.’ He wasn’t pushing for information at all.
‘Thank you, that’s very kind of you.’ I hung up and rang Dinny.
To my surprise, he wasn’t delighted.
‘Right so, that’s grand, great altogether.’ He sounded almost fearful. ‘I’ll, eh, think about it so I will.’
‘Denis, is everything OK?’
‘Sure why wouldn’t it be? Thank you very much, Lulu, I really appreciate all you’ve done.’ He sounded like he couldn’t wait to get off the phone. ‘I’ll see you on Friday, so?’
‘You will. Do you want to take down the new number?’
‘Ah no, I’ll get it again.’ He was gone.
Well, I’d done what was asked of me, but I hadn’t heard the end of this one either, of that I was certain.
Next, I decided to text Emily, just in case she couldn’t talk, and also to avoid putting any pressure on her. I sent off an innocuous message and left it at that.
Louis was next, and he greeted me warmly. ‘Lulu, darling, so nice to hear from you. Are you well?’
‘Great, thanks, just touching base as I promised. How are things?’
‘Well . . .’ I could almost see him checking to see if anyone was listening.
‘Sorry, I should have asked. Can you talk?’
‘Yes, just making sure. Actually, I was just about to call you. I need to see you. Things are getting on top of me a bit. It’s not Pedro though. It’s Mike.’
‘OK, shall I come to see you, or do you want to come here? It’s just that I might be able to do more if I saw you all in your normal surroundings.’
‘Great, I’m off tomorrow, and I presume Mike is working, as usual. Let me call you back once I’ve confirmed that.’
‘Sure.’
I texted Mike to report progress and moved on to my real problem – Ronan O’Meara. Actually, the truth was I hadn’t a clue what to tell him. I’d given it a lot of thought but couldn’t come up with a plausible explanation, so I rang him and simply said that I was seeing Myrtle that afternoon and suggested I meet him later to discuss the situation. He sounded happy with that, so I called Myrtle then headed out to see her.
‘I’ve come up with a plan,’ I told her over tea and apple strudel. ‘Is there another dog nearby, preferably female?’
‘Several. But there’s one boxer – Charlie, very cute – and Deputy likes her. She’s just moved in with her family, quite close to Ronan, actually.’
‘Great, so what we need to do now is follow the same principle with Deputy – lots of nibbles along the route – then the added bonus of a treat at the house plus another dog to play with.’ I was quite pleased with myself. ‘Shall we start now, because it may take a while? I’ll do it initially, if you like, just to break the association between you and Ronan’s house?’
‘OK, that’s fine,’ she said, but she sounded disappointed. ‘Actually, when you said you had a plan, I thought it was a plan for Ronan.’
‘Oh. No, I’m afraid not.’ I was sorry I hadn’t made that clear. ‘To be honest, I don’t know what anyone can do except encourage him and then stand back and wait. Besides, as I’m not supposed to know anything, it’s difficult . . .’ I didn’t know what else to say, and she was so nice I really wanted to help. ‘On second thoughts, why don’t we do our first new walk together and we can chat en route?’
‘Thank you.’ We both drained our cups and, while I washed up, Myrtle got the lead and the treats. Deputy was ecstatic, as usual. I asked Myrtle to go ahead of us, laying the treats while I played ball in the garden with the dog. The idea was that she’d meet us at the new house; the owners were out but Myrtle had a key, as she seemed to have for every other house in the neighbourhood. Then, while Deputy got to know his new girlfriend, Myrtle and I could chat some more.
I’d anticipated some problems to start, but in fact it worked beautifully. Deputy was in great form, excited anyway from our game, and when he found the treats his tail never stopped whipping the air. Then, at our new destination, his beloved mistress was waiting, with a big, juicy bone and a bitch. Heaven, I suspected and, if Deputy’s prancing and preening were anything to go by, he agreed. We gave Charlie a treat as well, and within seconds the two were cavorting around the garden. We encountered a slight hiccup a minute or two later, when Deputy tried to mount her, but once we’d established that she’d been neutered, we relaxed and left them to it.
‘I’ve been thinking, my dear,’ Myrtle said as we sat in the garden, well wrapped up and drinking the hot chocolate we’d bought along the way. ‘I think you should let Ronan know that I told you his situation.’ She must have seen my face, because she went on quickly, ‘It’s the only way. We’ve all been encouraging him, his sister, Ellen, has even been emailing him photos and sends him constant updates – in fact, I think that’s one of the reasons he pretends he doesn’t understand the computer – he’s avoiding dealing with this.’
‘That’s what people do sometimes,’ I said gently. ‘It’s a coping mechanism.’
‘But it’s been two years. It’s not healthy any more. There’s a little boy growing up who lost his mother and his father at birth and, really, he need never have lost one of them. I know that someday Ronan’s going to regret this and I can’t bear that.’ She looked at me sadly. ‘He’s a good man, and he deserves to be helped, and my daughter and I are just too close to it. Besides, he’s beginning to avoid us because we push him a bit and so I really need your input. And I’m happy to pay for your time – money’s not a problem.’
‘It’s not that at all,’ I told her quickly. ‘It’s just that I no longer do that sort of work. But I can recommend someone who’s—’
‘No.’ She shook her head. ‘Trust me, he’d never agree, not in a million years. My only hope is someone he trusts. He hasn’t responded so easily to new people since all this happened, as you know, from the number of women I’ve tried to introduce him to.’
Oh God, this was harder than I thought. ‘I really don’t think I can help, to be honest, it’s a very delicate—’
‘Please, I’m begging you, just give it a try,’ she pleaded. ‘I’m desperate.’
I knew when I was beaten, and she saw my hesitation and pounced. ‘It’s affecting my health – and I’m not getting any younger.’ She must have seen by my face that I knew she was laying it on a bit thick, because she burst out laughing. ‘I’ve gone too far playing the little old lady card, haven’t I?’
‘You’re a witch; I’d say you’re healthier than I am,’ I told her, before caving in. ‘Let me think about it, OK? I’ll see what I can do.’
‘Thank you so much. Joking aside, I am concerned; he’s become very introverted lately.’
‘I’m meeting him after this, hopefully – but are you certain about me letting him know that you’ve told me about his past?’ I was still unsure.
‘Yes, I’ll risk it, that’s how worried I am about him.’
‘Well, at least I’ll have some good news about Deputy, and obviously I won’t be telling him about your, eh, match-making.’ We both grinned like bold children. We chatted further, and I promised to stay in touch and let her know how I got on, although I pointed out that I couldn’t break any confidences.
An hour later, I phoned Ronan. ‘I’ve made some progress – are you free for a quick chat? I’m walking towards your office.’
‘What time is it?’
‘Nearly half past five,’ I told him.
‘Could you give me ten minutes? In fact, why don’t you go to the Queen’s and order us both a drink? It’
s been one of those days.’
‘Sure, but just the one for me, I’m driving, and that bike is a brute. What can I get you?’
‘I’d murder a pint of Guinness,’ he said. ‘Be with you in a couple of minutes.’
He was there by the time the pint had settled and I’d paid and found us a quiet corner.
‘Sorry, I meant to say I’d pay.’ He was out of breath. ‘You should have told them you were with me. My credit is good.’ He smiled.
‘No worries, you can get me again,’ I assured him. ‘Anyway, I know where you live, remember? So, why was your day so bad?’
‘Ah, the usual. This credit crunch is putting my clients under a lot of pressure. Today everything just seemed to go against me, you know the feeling?’
‘I sure do, although – what do they say? Life is 10 per cent what you’re dealt and 90 per cent how you handle it.’
‘God, I hate people like you.’ He took a gulp thirstily.
‘Actually, it’s my new life, I’m much more laidback these days,’ I told him.
‘So, what news have you got to cheer me up?’
‘Well, hopefully Deputy’s on the way to being sorted.’ I decided to go in gently. ‘We’ve found him a new route that doesn’t involve you. And one that has the added bonus of a cute bitch at the end of it.’ I explained how we’d done it and cautioned that it might take a bit of time, but Myrtle and I had tried it again before we parted and Deputy seemed to have forgotten his attachment to Ronan’s pad.
‘I could do with a cute bitch waiting for me at my front door.’ He was intrigued by how we’d managed it. It was the perfect cue, one I couldn’t ignore.
‘Actually, I think part of the problem was that Myrtle was hoping to convince you to get a dog yourself, so she wasn’t worried about Deputy’s visits. In fact, she’s more worried about your social life, to be honest.’
He laughed. ‘Listen, between my mother and herself, there’s no fear of me becoming a hermit, that’s for sure. They’re always dragging me off somewhere.’
I took a deep breath. It was now or never. ‘She told me about your wife. I’m so sorry, it must have been an awful time.’
His whole demeanour changed. He said nothing for ages, then slowly took a long sip of his drink. ‘What else did she say?’
‘That you had a child.’ I saw him stiffen. ‘Look, Ronan, you don’t have to say a word about it if you don’t want to, and I won’t bring it up again. It’s just that everyone is concerned that you won’t be able to move on with your life if you don’t at least try to sort this out in your head. Myrtle begged me to try and talk to you and see if I could help.’
He looked so angry as he scraped back his chair that I thought for a second he might upend the table. ‘What do you know about moving on with life? You know nothing about what I had, or what I lost. And as for sorting it out in my head, I’ve done that. I am getting on with my life, and just because I’m not dealing with things the way everyone else wants, that makes me wrong, does it? Well, tough.’ He stood up. ‘And for the record, I don’t want to ever discuss this with you again, is that clear?’
I nodded.
‘I lost everything that night. Every single thing, do you understand?’
‘You didn’t lose your baby,’ I said quietly.
‘I never had a baby in the first place. So don’t you dare sit there and judge me.’ He leaned in and spoke very softly. ‘And I could never look at someone day in and day out who reminded me of what that loss meant.’ He made to leave then turned back and spoke harshly, ‘And that’s never going to change, so don’t waste your time trying.’
17
I SAT THERE FOR AGES AFTER RONAN LEFT, WONDERING ABOUT LIFE. You’d think I’d have been used to it by now, with all the problems I’d encountered, but seeing his raw, ripped-apart life for that instant made me realize how fragile it all was. And in that realization came the knowledge that I had never really dealt with my own fragility. Seeing him so vulnerable about his child made me understand that my own mother had somehow disconnected a bit from me and that made me a mirror image of that little boy. I was the child who’d partly been abandoned. Oh, I knew my situation had been nothing near as bad as his was right now, for either me or my mother, but I was learning more and more how even the slightest emotional withdrawal can damage a person and leave behind scars that never really heal.
I finished my drink and was glad of the air and the breeze as I whizzed along the coast road, a fluorescent moon guiding my route. Later, muffled up and sitting under the starriest sky I’d ever seen, I wished it wasn’t all so complicated.
And, as the week went on, it got even more complicated. Everyone seemed to want to involve me in their lives and, consequently, I couldn’t shake off my old one. And all the problems my clients faced seemed to prod me towards the realization that I needed to sort out my own childhood insecurities in order to fully move on as a healthy adult.
On Friday I went back down to see Denis and Bartholomew. Initially it was a breeze; he made afternoon tea and salad sandwiches with hard-boiled egg, beetroot and Heinz salad cream, and the taste reminded me of summer days on the beach in Dollymount in north Dublin. He was making splendid progress with Bart too, and he insisted on showing me everything they’d achieved. I was in and out the front door until I was so cold I had to call a halt. All I could hear was ‘Sit’ and ‘Stay’ over and over again, until I had to remind him only to issue the command once and not to use the dog’s name if he was misbehaving. When I finally got in, I suspected Denis might have been using food as a reward, the way the dog was looking at him, but I ignored it and Bart did everything he was told while I was watching.
‘That’s fantastic, well done.’ I praised him over and over again. ‘That is real progress, you must be pleased?’
‘Sure ’tis not me at all, isn’t he the smartest dog you’ve ever encountered?’
‘He’s certainly up there,’ I assured him, and we practised a few new things, such as moving the dog out from prime position by the fire and moving Dinny’s chair into the space. There was a slight growl to start with but, after I’d made it happen, he seemed quite content and, once he’d stayed there for a couple of minutes without moving, I gave him a command which meant he was free to wander about. To our surprise, he didn’t try to muscle back into his space but found a corner where he could see us and stayed there happily.
‘D’ya know, I think all he wants is a woman about the place.’ Denis was delighted.
‘Too much testosterone with just the two of you perhaps?’ I joked, but I predicted that he wouldn’t need me at all before long. ‘Oh, by the way, I’d better give you that number for your friend, the priest.’ I pulled out my Filofax.
‘Ah, he’s not really a friend of mine at all at all.’ He immediately looked uncomfortable.
‘Well, he seemed lovely and said to tell you if there’s anything he can help you with, be sure to telephone.’ I scribbled the number down and tore it out.
‘Actually, I wonder would you be good enough to make the enquiry on my behalf?’ Dinny asked. ‘If I gave you the names like?’
‘Sure.’ I wondered if he was nervous talking to people in authority. Some older folks were, I knew. ‘You gave me the names already, I think.’ I opened the original page. ‘Joan Lehane and her daughter Catherine, is that right?’
‘Aye.’ He sounded ashamed, and his head went down as I said their names.
‘So what do you want to know?’ I asked him.
‘Anything, really. How they are, first and foremost. And an address if they have one, sure they must live somewhere.’ He guffawed, but it was an attempt to lighten his own mood, I felt.
‘Would Father Vincent have stayed in touch with them, do you think?’ I asked him.
‘Oh aye, for sure. I’d say at the very least he has a phone number.’
‘OK. Will I say who it is looking to make contact?’ I wondered if it was a family member he’d fallen out with.
H
e stared into the turf for a long while, but silences had never bothered me.
‘Aye,’ he said quietly. ‘Tell him it’s Denis Cassidy from County Wicklow.’
‘OK, and I won’t offer any information, only if I have to, is that OK?’ I knew without knowing that this was a big deal for him.
‘Grand.’ He got up and poked the fire. ‘You’re a powerful girl, d’ya know that? You’ve helped me something fierce.’
‘It’s a pleasure, sure aren’t you paying me?’ I teased him. ‘I’m not doing it for nothing.’
‘Aye, but this is bigger than that. And you don’t fuss me, I like that. You’ve helped me a lot more than you realize, Lulu. I’m in your debt.’
‘Well, why don’t I see what I can find out on Monday and call you in the evening? Would that be OK?’
‘Powerful altogether.’ He seemed a bit more relaxed. Maybe it was knowing that he had the weekend to change his mind if he wished.
On our way up the lane a funny thing happened. A dog appeared out of nowhere and bounded up to us, tail wagging furiously.
‘Hello, who are you?’ I crouched down to get a good look at him. As I did so, a strange thing happened: my tummy did a little flip. He was the image of the dog I had as a child – Gnasher – the one who’d stolen my heart. Only his eyes, though. This one was skinnier, and he looked like a Collie mix rather than a purebred, and he’d been tied up, I reckoned, because he had a rope around his neck.
‘That’s Pete,’ Dinny said. ‘Bartholomew and himself ignore each other for some reason. He lives next door, but they don’t really look after him. Oh, they feed him an’ all, and he goes out to the cows with the farmhands. But they don’t give him much attention.’
‘Hello, Pete.’ I rubbed the back of his ears the way I used to do with another red-haired dog long ago and, to my amazement, he tried to jump up on my lap. ‘You’re a lovely fella,’ I told him, and he licked my nose as if to say, ‘I know.’
‘I’ll ring them and let them know he’s escaped,’ Dinny told me. ‘Although they never worry about him – he goes missing for days on end sometimes.’
