by Anita Notaro
‘I’m so glad you said that, it means a lot to me. I’m mad about her; she’s been such a good friend to me, closer than my sister, to be honest.’
‘Right, I want to hear about your family. You keep telling me bits and pieces.’
I wasn’t sure I’d even sorted it myself yet, but I started by sharing that my father had died and that I had a stepfather, Ron, who was very nice, but my mother had this idea that, unless she nailed me to the floor, I’d become wild, so she spent a lot of time telling me what I was doing wrong yet never went the other way and rewarded me for all the things I got right. And she didn’t do affection. Also I hinted that I’d always felt a bit of an outsider, so I’d spent my childhood trying to be perfect. And sensible as well. All in all, a huge admission for me. Only Maddy knew as much.
‘Sensible?’ He nearly choked. ‘I’ve never met anyone—’
‘No, no, you only met me after I broke free. I was so dull, so careful, it was painful.’ It hurt just to remember.
‘So who minded you then all those years?’ It was an odd question.
‘Actually, the only one who ever minded me was Gnasher, my dog. He was my whole world.’
‘What kind of dog was he?’ he asked very quietly.
‘He was a mongrel. All black with one white eye. I found him and hid him in the shed ’cause I knew Martha – my mum – would go mad. Then, I picked my moment – in other words, when she needed a monumental favour – and I agreed on condition she let me keep him. She was too hassled to argue; it was the easiest way to get around her. Becky was always so demanding, you see, so the odd time I asked for anything I invariably got my timing wrong and she said no.’
‘I can’t imagine you not standing up for yourself,’ Mike said. ‘You’re full of confidence.’
‘Well, thank you, but I’m not. At least I never was. Actually, I’m doing OK now, I think. I’m happy in my own skin, if that isn’t too much of a cliché.’
‘Phew, thank God you said that, ’cause it sounded like a giant self-help-book quote to me.’
We both laughed. ‘So how long did you have your minder?’
‘Gnasher? Two years. We went everywhere together. He slept under my bed. I swear the dog was half human. And then, one day, he disappeared.’ But I couldn’t tell him the story.
‘How?’
‘I can’t talk about it, is that OK? It still hurts too much.’ I bit my lip.
He stood up and pulled me to him and wrapped his arms around me, and for the first time in years I felt protected, as if someone was once again minding me. ‘Of course it does, but . . .’ He tipped up my face so that I was looking at him. ‘I want you to listen to me, because I know what I’m talking about. At your party, everyone was saying how marvellous you were, to them as well as their dogs. And sure look at me, and that big lump over there.’ He pointed to where Pedro lay, on his back, paws in the air. ‘Last night he’d have chewed my leg off before he’d let me into the kitchen. Then you arrive in and he’s snoring like an oulfella. So any time you feel sad about your old dog, think how much good you’re doing for lots of dogs now. OK?’
‘OK, thanks.’ I smiled at him. ‘Maybe that’s why I feel like I’ve found my perfect niche in life.’
‘And you’ve got Pete now.’ Mike smiled. ‘Don’t forget him.’
I nodded. ‘Thank God for Pete – I’d be lost without him.’
30
‘SO WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?’ MADDY WAS ALL EARS WHEN I TOLD her about how nice Mike had been after I’d gotten upset about Gnasher.
‘Nothing really, he was just so warm and friendly, and he sort of took over. He lit the fire and made me sit in his armchair and brought me warm berry crumble and ice-cream and lots of strong tea. Then he insisted on driving me back to Bray – he’d only had one beer – and when we got here he came in, said hello to Pete then fed him the remains of the fillet steak, kissed me on the head and was gone.’
‘Wow, that’s kind of . . . I dunno, old-fashioned.’ Maddy sighed.
‘It actually felt really cosy, like I could trust him or something. Does that sound odd?’
‘Trust is good, trust Maddy on that.’ She giggled. ‘Warm and cosy is also a great start. Oh Lulu, I’m so excited,’ she started, singing the song of the same title until I had to hang up in an effort to get her out of my ear.
‘Just one thing – do you fancy him?’ She was back in a second.
‘Yes,’ I mumbled.
‘Sorry, what was that again? Speak up, Aunty Madeleine can’t hear you.’
‘Aunty Madeleine will get a slap if she’s not careful.’ I laughed.
‘Thank God I’m on the phone. As Mike said, you can be vicious,’ she chided me. ‘Well, all I can say is what I said before. I’ve great hopes for this.’
‘But sure he didn’t even suggest another meeting,’ I told her.
‘Listen, if he fed you crumble and drove you home, he’s interested, I reckon. Just give it time.’
‘Meanwhile, I’m off to London tomorrow night anyway.’
‘Oh my God, I’d forgotten, it’s the “Hi Mummy, I’m home” scenario with Emily. Are you OK about it?’
‘Yeah. I’m a bit nervous for her, but I’m only there for moral support, and I’ve actively advised against it, so what more can I do?’
‘Nothing – and remember: next time, call me before you commit. You know the rules. Whether it involves men, women or dogs, Maddy knows best.’
‘Get off the line, mad Maddy.’ I laughed and hung up, took Pete for a long walk then set about getting ready for my trip.
The next morning was hectic as I tried to cram everything in. Dinny rang first thing, even though I’d phoned him as soon as I left Joan and brought him up to speed.
‘Any news?’ he asked as soon as he heard my voice.
‘Dinny’ – I hoped he took my tone as a warning – ‘I told you she asked for a few days to think about it.’
‘I know, but that was Saturday.’
‘That was less than forty-eight hours ago.’
‘And you think she will meet me?’
‘I think she will.’ I softened slightly, because I knew how much this meant to him. ‘But, as I said, she wanted to discuss it with Catherine first.’
‘My God, Lulu, wouldn’t that be something else all the same? My own daughter. Sure I’d be made up so I would.’
‘I know you would, Dinny, so just behave yourself for the next few days. Go and light a few candles, like most people your age would.’ I laughed.
‘I’ll tell you somethin’ for nothin’, if I went into a church they’d all faint, even the saints.’ He chuckled. ‘Still, I’ll ask Violet Moore; she has a direct line to Our Lady – so they say in the village anyway. And I am still doing that novena to Saint Anthony.’
‘Do it all. I’m off to London today, but I’ll be back tomorrow night and I’ll probably hear from her by the end of the week. And try not to worry, d’ya hear me?’
‘I do, I do. And Lulu, even if nothing else happens, haven’t I done my best? And it’s all thanks to you. I’ll never forget you for it either. Just one last thing – you didn’t happen to take a snap of her at all, did you?’
‘Dinny, I was terrified you’d jump out from behind a pillar with a camera of your own, so I was hardly going to take a “snap”, as you call it.’ He always made me smile. ‘Anyway, I was trying to be discreet, Mr Cassidy, not a word you’re familiar with, I think. And as I already told you, she’s a stunner so you certainly knew how to pick ’em.’
‘Oh I did, that’s for sure. She was a looker all right. But I wasn’t half bad myself, you know.’
‘Get away with you, you’re a flirt anyway, that I definitely do know.’ He was still chuckling away as I said cheerio and hung up.
Just as I was leaving the office, I got a text from Ronan O’Meara asking if he could see me. I wondered what that was about. He and Maddy hadn’t seen much of each other these past couple of weeks, but that was because she was
working flat out. She set her alarm for 5 a.m. each morning, and when she finally got home it was generally after seven. Then she had to try and learn her lines for the next day and get some decent sleep before doing it all over again. Between rehearsals and costume fittings and publicity, it was a sixday week, and she was living for her time off the following week, I knew. I arranged to see Ronan when I got back, and by then I was fast running out of time, so I packed up my bits and left the office. Saying goodbye to Pete was hard; I’d grown so used to having him with me. Mary had offered to look after him, so I knew he was in for a real spoiling. ‘You be a good boy.’ I rubbed his head, and he nuzzled in, the way he always did.
‘Don’t worry, I’ll bring him for a big walk this evening.’ Mary was staying in my van, which I found hilarious, but she asked if she could and I suspected she needed the break, so it had all worked out fine.
‘Great, here are the keys, and here’s the number of my neighbours Jack and Jill. They’re always around and they’re lovely.’ I hadn’t said anything about Pete’s growling, just in case it freaked her.
‘Go, we’ll be fine, I’m looking forward to it.’ She was all business. ‘And don’t worry, I’ll take messages, and if anything urgent crops up I’ll text. Otherwise, I won’t disturb you.’ I’d told her about Emily and I knew she was fascinated by all my clients, but she was very discreet. In fact, Mary had turned out to be one of the best things about the office, and I decided to bring her something back from duty free. I knew she liked perfume, but she rarely spent money on herself.
Emily was a bag of nerves, but in a good way. ‘Can you believe I’m doing this?’ She didn’t wait for a reply. ‘I’m so excited just to see what she looks like.’
‘What did you tell your mum?’ I knew she’d opted not to let Julia know what she was doing, another thing I had cautioned her about. I just couldn’t shake the bad feeling I had about all this, but there was no swaying Emily.
‘Just that I was going over to see my friend Amy. It’s something I do a few times a year now that flights are so cheap, so she didn’t suspect anything.’ She must have seen something on my face. ‘I will tell her, Lulu, I promise. But, for now, I want this to be about me and my real . . . I mean birth . . . mother. Mum would have tried to persuade me not to go, or else she’d have wanted to come with me, and in a way this is my journey, no one else’s, and I want to keep it like that.’ She smiled. ‘Although I know it’s a journey for you too, and I can’t tell you how grateful I am that you agreed to come. I know you’re unsure.’
‘I’ve just had some – although not that much – experience of these situations, and they’re rarely straightforward. At best, they’re complicated and emotional and draining. And you’re my only concern, because I know how much you want this to work out.’
‘Well, at least I’ll have given it my best shot,’ she said. It was more or less what Dinny had said to me the other day too. Funny that all my clients were searching for something that would complete them. And helping them was, in a funny way, helping me. I no longer felt the same anger towards my mother that I had shouldered for years, although I knew I still needed to ask her questions. Families were so complicated, I was finally really understanding that.
We had a good flight, and our hotel was just off Kensington High Street, so we went and did a bit of late-night window-shopping, popping in to those that were still open. Then we had dinner and a reasonably early night in preparation for the big day ahead.
When the time finally came, I was more nervous than Emily. We’d hired a car, and she’d opted to drive, having done all her research in advance. We even had sat nav, so it was an easy drive to Tring, a pretty market town in Hertfordshire. It took about ninety minutes to get there, so we were ready for coffee as soon as we spotted Costa Coffee on the high street. There we had a final chat before we reached our destination.
‘Should I call her Kitten?’ Emily was full of excitement, and I was trying hard.
‘Well, I think “Mum” might be pushing it a bit.’ I hadn’t meant to sound so flippant. ‘Sorry, that came out wrong,’ I told her. ‘I guess I’m nervous too.’
‘I can’t wait to see what she looks like and get to know her a bit bet—’
‘Emily, we’ve talked about this. A lot. Don’t get your hopes up. We don’t even know if she’ll be at home.’
‘I know, but I can’t help it. Anyway, the private detective said she takes the dogs for a walk in the mornings and then heads out in her car around lunchtime most days. So we might be lucky. If not, I guess we’ll just hang out and hope she comes back.’
‘OK, so let’s just go through it one more time. What are you going to say to her initially?’
‘Just tell her who I am, then ask her if we could have a chat, take it from there, I guess.’
‘And suppose she doesn’t want that? Remember: this will all be a big shock for her.’ God, the more I talked about it, the less convinced I became.
‘Well, I’ll take whatever I get. At least the contact will be there, and I’ll have seen her. In some ways, I won’t feel she’s real until I’ve stood in front of her and seen what she looks like for myself. I wonder will I notice a likeness, even in her mannerisms?’
‘I don’t know. I really hope you’re not disappointed, that’s all.’
‘I won’t be. Stop worrying, you’re normally so laidback.’ Emily smiled.
We found the house easily. It was a stunning Victorian farmhouse covered in ivy, with lots of windows and what looked like the original front door. It was set on a site of about half an acre, we reckoned, but the house was close enough to the road for us to see that the front door was partially ajar and a jeep in the driveway had the back door open. We’d been there less than a minute when we heard a female voice call, ‘Come on, boys, time for a walk.’ We watched as two golden Labradors bounded into the back, and then we saw her.
‘That’s her, it has to be,’ hissed Emily. ‘Come on.’ Before I could stop her, she’d opened the gate, which was hidden by trees, and was heading purposefully up the short drive. I ran after her.
‘Hello,’ the woman said as soon as she saw us. ‘Are you lost?’
‘No, actually, we’re, eh . . . I’m looking for Kitten.’
‘That’s me.’ The woman smiled politely, and by this stage I was close enough to see that Emily looked remarkably like her. They had the same wide face and strong jaw, and their eyes were almost identical.
‘I’m Emily.’ Emily looked at me. ‘And this is my friend Lulu.’
‘Hi.’ The woman smiled at both of us. ‘What can I do for you?’
‘We’re from Ireland,’ Emily added. It was clear the woman hadn’t a clue who we were.
‘Nice place,’ was all she said. ‘I’ve been there.’
We had already arranged that if it all went OK, I’d scarper and wait for Emily’s call. Now I waited, and it seemed like for ever before Emily said, ‘I’m your daughter,’ and I dreaded to think what she must have felt like, because my own heart was threatening to explode.
31
‘SORRY?’ AS SOON AS SHE SAID IT, I KNEW WE WERE IN TROUBLE.
Unfortunately, Emily didn’t.
‘I’m so happy to meet you at last.’ She looked and sounded like a child with her open, trusting face; eyes shining in anticipation of a reunion. ‘I only found out about you recently and—’
‘Hang on.’ Kitten held up a hand. ‘How did you find me? I left specific instructions with the agency that I wanted no contact.’
Emily’s face changed. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t get in touch with them. My mother had a file, this address was on it.’ She was shocked, I could tell. ‘I just wanted to see what you looked like, to see if I was . . . like you in any way.’ Her voice was barely audible, and it almost broke with emotion.
I felt I had no choice but to step forward. ‘Emily made some discreet enquiries, and we learned that you’d moved back here to do some work on your original family home. We have no wish
to intrude on your life, if it’s not convenient—’
‘We can come back later, or tomorrow.’ Emily looked at me gratefully, as if I’d just rescued the situation. I found myself wishing it was that easy. The woman’s manner had changed utterly once she knew who we were.
‘I’m so sorry, this must be quite a surprise . . .’ Emily tried again.
‘It’s a shock. As far as I knew, I had to consent to any contact.’ Her voice told me we were an intrusion she didn’t want.
‘I suppose that might have been the case in years gone by. But a lot of the agencies have closed, there aren’t any – or at least very few – Irish children offered for adoption now. And most people seem to trace each other through the internet, as far as I know.’ I was trying to give her time to come to terms with the situation. ‘I’m just wondering if there’s somewhere you two could talk for a little while, so that Emily can explain a bit more of her reasons for coming here?’
‘No, I’m afraid not.’
‘Please?’ Emily’s face was grey. ‘All I’m asking for is a few minutes of your time,’ she pleaded.
‘We don’t want to cause you any embarrassment.’ I felt it was important to reassure the woman. ‘And if anyone else appears, we will, of course, be discreet.’
‘There’s no one else here except workmen,’ she told us. ‘It’s not that. It’s simply that I put all this behind me a long time ago. I’m married now, and I have other children and—’
‘I have brothers and sisters?’ Emily’s eyes were on fire.
The woman clearly did not want to get into details. ‘They don’t know,’ she said quietly. ‘And I have no wish for them to learn of your existence. I’m sorry you’ve come all this way, but you must have known that this was the likely outcome. Now I really do have to go.’
‘I’m not here to make any trouble, and I’m not looking for anything, I swear.’ Emily looked frightened. ‘But please don’t send me away. At least let me come back, or meet you somewhere. Just so that we can have a proper chat.’
