by Anita Notaro
‘That’s all Emily’s asking for.’ I wanted to throttle the woman for her insensitivity. ‘Just an hour of your time, at your convenience, and wherever you choose.’
‘That won’t be possible.’ Kitten looked away. ‘I have no wish to rake up the past. I signed away my rights and I chose not to have any contact. That hasn’t changed, so I’ve really nothing to add.’
‘Please, I’m begging you, just give me a chance.’ Emily was crying now. ‘All these years I’ve known there was something different about me. When I learned about you, a lot of things fell into place. Could you just talk to me for a short while? Then I’ll get out of your life, if that’s what you want. I promise.’ She looked utterly defeated. ‘I don’t even know who my real father is, for instance,’ she said quietly.
‘He’s dead,’ Kitten said baldly. ‘So there’s nothing else to learn there. And I don’t want to continue this, it’s too . . .’ I thought she was going to say ‘upsetting’, but instead she said . . . ‘unpleasant. It was a part of my life that I’d rather forget. There’s nothing else I can tell you. Now I’m going to ask you again if you wouldn’t mind leaving, and please don’t make any further efforts to contact me because I’m afraid I won’t be available to meet you.’
‘Don’t you have any curiosity about me at all?’ Emily hadn’t taken her eyes off Kitten since we’d arrived. ‘Suppose I do all the talking, fill you in on my life. How would that be?’
‘I don’t think you understand.’ The woman had an odd way about her that I hadn’t been able to put my finger on up until now. In fact, it had only just occurred to me that I’d never come across anyone quite like her before. She was utterly detached and totally unmoved by any emotion. ‘I have no wish to know any details, and I’m sorry if that upsets you, but better to know where you stand, I feel. Therefore I won’t be keeping in touch under any circumstances.’ I wondered what had happened to her to make her so unmoved by a child she’d carried in her womb and given birth to. The one good thing for me was that she made my mother seem like an angel. I shuddered. ‘Now I really do have to go, so I must ask you to leave.’ With that she dismissed her baby girl once more.
‘Come on.’ I took Emily by the hand as if she was still that child and, to my surprise, she let me take over. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said just before we moved away. ‘I only wanted to see what you looked like and to let you know that I was fine, that I’d had a good life and to tell you there was no need to worry about me.’ She sounded like the child I’d once been, desperately trying to win approval. And from the look on Kitten’s face, that approval was never coming – although, as she looked at us, I thought I sensed a crack in her facade.
I was almost in tears myself at that point. ‘Let’s go, love.’ I led Emily away.
Once I’d settled her in the car, I made an instant decision. ‘Wait here a moment,’ I told her, and headed back to Kitten, who was just about to get into her jeep. ‘I just wanted to say something,’ I told her, but in reality I’d no idea what it was. All I was certain of was that it would come out. ‘You can be very proud of your firstborn child. She’s a lovely girl, inside as well as out. She’s no more capable of causing you pain or trouble than one of those dogs, so have no worries on that score. But I hope, for your sake, that no one ever does to you what you’ve just done to her. Because no human being deserves to be treated with so little respect.’ I fished in my bag. ‘I’ll leave my card in case you want to talk to me further.’ I dropped a business card on the passenger seat. ‘And I hope your daughter didn’t inherit your total lack of compassion. Actually, scrap that, because I know for a fact that she didn’t. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone with so little regard for another person’s feelings. And to think that in this case it’s your own child.’ I was shaking with anger. ‘Shame on you,’ I said softly, and for a split second I saw that shame reflected in her eyes, despite all she’d said, but that and the myriad other emotions that flashed briefly across her face were masked by a veil of aloofness on top of an ice-cold exterior. I suspected it was how she’d learned to cope.
I knew there was nothing more I could say then, so I turned away and headed back to do what little I could for a girl who deserved so much more.
I’d never seen anyone quite as shocked as Emily appeared to be. She was curled up in a ball on the seat, rocking backwards and forwards. Her face was whiter than the most brilliant paint colour and she was sucking her thumb like a baby. I took off my coat and wrapped it around her and sat in and turned the heat up full blast. As I manoeuvred out into the traffic, I saw Kitten watching us and, selfishly, I hoped she was suffering. After what I’d seen on her face at the end I suspected that she was a deeply troubled woman, and I felt a tinge of sadness for her for the first time.
For the rest of the day, I minded Emily as best I could. We’d checked out of our hotel, so I took her to the first decent-looking one I came across and, once inside, I settled her in a corner and ordered hot soup and strong tea. She ate virtually nothing and said very little either, but I had enough experience to know that she’d talk when she was ready. So I simply sat with her and made small talk and treated her like the invalid she was. We stayed there for almost two hours, and then I put her back in the car. She looked slightly less shell shocked when we reached the check-in desk at the airport. I bought water and chocolate and all the current magazines and red tops for gossip, and once our flight had taken off I pulled down her table top, left her a selection of everything, and I was happy that she drank a little water and flicked through one of the tabloids.
‘Can I stay with you tonight?’ she asked blankly as soon as we were through Customs.
‘Yes, of course,’ I told her. ‘And if you give me your car keys, I’ll drive. We have to collect Pete from the office on the way, and I could pick up some food as well.’ Emily didn’t reply, so I went ahead with my plan. I rang Mary en route to tell her we’d landed and that it was OK to leave Pete and head home.
‘How did it go? Can you talk?’ she asked.
‘No,’ I told her, but she guessed from my voice.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said quietly, and I thanked her and told her Pete had bought her a present.
At the office, Emily didn’t move, and my gorgeous dog greeted me as if he’d been afraid I’d never come back, and I gave him the biggest cuddle and whispered in his ear to be nice to Emily. He jumped in the back of her car and, when I stopped for fish and chips, he climbed on to the front seat and sat on her lap, almost smothering her.
Once home I settled Emily on the couch, turned on the heating as well as the kettle, and by the time I’d brought our bags in Pete was her hot-water bottle. I noticed she kept stroking him, and he looked at her as if he understood every bit of her pain.
Again, she hardly ate a thing, but by the time I’d made up her bed and brought her in a cup of hot chocolate, she seemed a bit brighter. Pete looked at me as if asking permission to stay with her, and I patted him on the head and told him he was a great boy and he settled down right beside her. When I left them, she was still stroking his head.
Next morning, she seemed a good bit better. She was up and dressed by the time I arrived in the kitchen. I’d heard her mooching about much earlier – impossible not to where I lived.
‘I hope you don’t mind, but I took a shower?’ She was on the banquette with her feet tucked up under her and Pete on the floor beside her. As soon as he saw me, he came to reassure me, that he was still mine, I reckoned, but I gave him a treat for looking after Emily and he headed back to resume his duties.
‘Of course not. I told you last night, it’s your home for as long as you need it.’
‘Thanks, but I’d better head off.’
‘When are you back at work?’ I asked her. She was a librarian, and I knew she loved her job.
‘I left it open, because I wasn’t sure what would happen.’ She looked sad. ‘But no sense in wasting any more of my holidays, eh? I told Mum I’d probably be home today, so I sh
ould make tracks. She worries about me.’ I think she was as struck by the irony of that remark as I was, given what we’d just experienced.
‘Well, you know where I am, and I want you to promise to ring, or text, me at any time. Day or night, OK? I’ll do whatever I can to help you, you know that. And you will get through it, I promise.’
‘Thank you, I don’t know what I’d have done without you, actually. You made the whole thing bearable. At least now I know the score. And even though, right at this moment, I feel as if I’ll never get over it, I know that some people are given much heavier crosses to carry and they manage.’
‘You’ll manage,’ I assured her.
She looked at me with the eyes of a little girl who’d just been abandoned and didn’t know what would happen next. In many ways she reminded me of myself as a child, always wondering what I’d done wrong.
‘And do you know something?’ Her lip was trembling. ‘Even though it didn’t work out, I’m still glad I did it.’
32
MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WAS WITH RONAN.
‘How are you?’ I shook his hand automatically, but it always seemed as if I knew him better than I actually did, so this greeting felt a bit too formal.
‘I’m good, thanks.’ He sat down.
‘And Deputy?’
‘Not visiting as often.’ He grinned. ‘I think Myrtle’s finally relaxed.’
‘I’m glad. How’s she keeping?’
‘Same as ever. More social engagements than the two of us put together. She’ll be dating online next, I swear.’
‘It wouldn’t surprise me. And you and Maddy, how’s that going?’ As soon as I said it, I realized I shouldn’t have.
His face told me he was a bit thrown. ‘Eh, I haven’t really seen her, to be honest. She’s busy, and I’ve been pretty tied up as well.’
‘Sorry, I wasn’t implying anything.’ I decided to be upfront about it. ‘It’s just that I know you two keep in touch, that’s all.’
‘Yeah, we do. She’s fun.
‘I need a bit of advice.’ His whole demeanour changed. ‘It’s about . . . Lucas.’ The way he said the name let me know that he was unused to saying it aloud.
‘OK, I’ll do anything I can.’ I was so pleased to hear him finally talk about the child that I was more than happy to listen.
‘I’ve decided I want to have him formally adopted.’ He didn’t look at me. ‘My family is not happy. My mother and my gran are on my case, I reckon, because they stop talking any time I come within a mile of them. And my sister, Ellen, says she won’t let me do it, even though I know she already loves the child as if he were her own.’
‘You’ve talked to her about it, obviously?’
‘Yes. You see, he’s four now, and that means he starts school in September, so he’ll be based up there in Donegal. I know they love him, and they’re all he’s ever known, so it makes sense. For some reason, though, Ellen is adamant. I don’t understand it, I thought she’d have jumped at the chance.’
‘Maybe she feels it’s not the right thing to do? For Lucas, I mean?’
‘How can it not be right for him? They’re his parents.’ He closed his eyes and sighed heavily.
‘That’s the thing, Ronan. They’re not. You’re Lucas’s father.’
Just like that night in the pub, I’d said something he didn’t want to hear.
‘I’m his father in name only. It means nothing. I’ve never bonded with him and, most important of all, I have no interest in raising him.’ He stood up. ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have brought this up. I’d better get back.’ He headed for the door.
I knew I had to try and rescue the situation this time. I stood up and got there before him. ‘Don’t go. It’s not my intention to upset you; in fact, I’d very much like to help if I can. Please, sit down.’ I sensed he needed a moment. ‘Why don’t I make us some coffee?’ Without waiting for a reply, I left the room.
When I returned with a tray a couple of minutes later, he was staring out the window. Pete was beside him, head up as if to say, ‘It’ll be OK, don’t worry.’ I smiled at the picture they made.
‘You think I’m wrong – everybody does – but it’s the way I want it,’ he said quietly. ‘Why can’t any of you accept it? Why do all the women in my life want to change me, I wonder?’
‘Do they?’
‘Yes. There’s my gran, my mother, my sister and you.’
‘Does Maddy know anything?’ I asked simply because I wondered what her take on it would be. She sometimes had a way of looking at situations that was different to the norm.
‘No, and I don’t want her to. Is that OK with you?’
‘Of course,’ I assured him. ‘Have you talked to anyone else, someone not so close? Even, dare I say it, a man?’ I grinned. ‘Less hormones flying and all that.’
‘No, the only one I’d consider would be Ellen’s husband. And he’s decided to stay out of it. Sensible enough, I suppose.’
‘Probably,’ I agreed. ‘Although it will affect him too, in a big way.’
‘Yes, but Ellen’s the driving force there, always has been. He’ll go along with whatever she wants.’
‘Ronan, would you at least meet Lucas?’ I decided to cut to the chase. ‘I just wonder about your ability to make such an important decision when you’ve never really had anything to do with your son.’ I watched him carefully. He was such a complex man; I was learning a bit more about him as time went on.
‘I saw a bit of him . . . initially.’ He sounded defensive.
‘I know that and, believe me, I think I understand how difficult this must be for you, and you have my word that I only want to help you make the right decision. For you and for Lucas. It’s just that, he’s a little boy now, with a personality, and—’
‘Don’t you see? That’s exactly what I couldn’t cope with. He’ll be so like her, I just know he will, and every time I look at him I’ll be reminded all over again of what I lost that day.’ I realized he had tears in his eyes, so I busied myself with the coffee to give him a moment. ‘I just don’t think I could bear it. Believe me, this is not the way I want it to be.’ It was the first indication he’d given of that.
‘And tell me, what would be your ideal scenario now, given that there’s nothing you can do to bring Audrey back?’
He looked at me as if he’d never thought about it. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Suppose you could have any relationship you want with Lucas, what would that be?’
He looked blank. ‘I’ve no idea.’
‘Well, thinking about that might not be a bad place to start,’ I suggested.
‘I suppose, in an ideal world, I’d want him,’ he said after a long silence.
‘And what would that entail?’
‘I guess I’d need him with me. I’d want to make it up to him, be the best dad I could possibly be.’ He put his head in his hands. ‘Even the term “Dad” scares me to death. Little boys need so much.’
‘When it comes down to it, all they need – like any of us – is love, really. Two parents would be the ideal, but one good one isn’t half bad either.’ For about the hundredth time in the past few weeks, my own childhood jumped up and hit me a smack in the eye.
‘I can’t do it,’ he said simply.
‘But do you know that?’ I asked him, deciding to go for broke. ‘At least if you met him and spent a bit of time with him, you’d be able to make a decision. And do you know something, Ronan? It’s OK to be scared. And it would be OK to decide you’d be no good for him. I think maybe that’s all your sister wants.’
‘How do you mean?’ He looked puzzled.
‘Well, I’ve only met her once, and I could see that she loves Lucas. I think she’s doing the most unselfish thing possible by refusing to adopt him. Having him legally hers is probably what she wants, deep down, more than anything. But maybe, like me, she’s not sure that, ultimately, it’s the right thing for you.’
‘So what are you saying,
exactly? That I have to give this thing a go? Then what happens if it doesn’t work out? If I can’t bear to look at him? What will that do to the child?’ I knew he wasn’t asking me really; he was asking himself.
‘I wouldn’t be suggesting for a second that you uproot him, tell him who you are, then dump him if it doesn’t work out. That would be cruel. But what have you got to lose by meeting him, spending an hour with him, just seeing how you feel? He doesn’t have to know anything except that you’re his uncle.’
‘I don’t know if I can do it,’ he said after an age.
‘Well, at least you’re thinking about it, that’s a good start.’ I smiled. ‘We’ve come a long way from that night in the pub when you told me to mind my own business.’
He wasn’t listening; his eyes looked far away.
‘Why don’t you just live with the idea for a while?’
‘Would you talk to my gran, get her to speak to the others and persuade them to lay off?’ he asked.
‘I will if it helps you decide.’
‘Thanks.’
‘And just for the record, I think you’re very brave.’
‘Do you?’ He looked like no one ever gave him any praise, or maybe that was my own personal angst.
‘Yes I do, and I’ve no doubt that, whatever decision you make, it’ll be made with care and consideration. And at the end of the day, that’s all anyone can ask of you.’
He looked at me for a second, then went and stood at the window again. I made a few notes, just to give him the space and silence he needed as he struggled with emotions which I suspected were threatening to smother him. When he turned back, I don’t know who was more surprised, me or him.
‘I think you’re right, I need to meet him,’ was all he said.
33
HE LEFT SHORTLY AFTERWARDS TO MAKE ARRANGEMENTS, BUT NOT before he’d asked if he could use me as a sounding board. I told him I was happy to help in any way I could. Now that he was seeing Maddy, I felt we had a personal connection, even though I couldn’t mention anything about it to her.
