Because I Love You

by Amy Brent

  “I’m not going, Mom,” I said moodily. “I don’t want to go if I feel like shit now. That’s only a few days away, and I don’t want to leave the city for one party that doesn’t mean a damn thing to me.”

  “Ryan will be here at this party, Vi. Remember that you promised to give this a try?”

  “I never promised you anything. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  The buzz of the intercom surprised me. I rose from the couch on wobbly legs to look out the living room window, but I couldn’t find anyone standing out on the street as they normally did to catch someone’s attention. The intercom buzzed again.

  “I have to go,” I said. “Someone’s buzzing the intercom. I’ll call you next week.”

  “Wait—”

  I tossed the phone down on the couch. My mood was already bad enough with dealing with my mother’s shallow concern, so I pushed the intercom button with more force than necessary.

  “Look, asshole, you don’t need to push the button repeatedly to get anyone’s attention around here.”

  “It’s me, Violet. It’s Cole.”

  My heart skipped a beat at the sound of Cole’s voice, but anger quickly built up inside of me. I pushed the button back to reply. “I’ve been trying to call you for the past two days, Cole. What are you doing here?”

  “I’m here to talk,” he buzzed back. “Will you let me in so we can talk in privacy?”

  Something was off about his voice. I couldn’t place it. For a moment, I hesitated in letting him come up. I had no idea what Cole was thinking, but from the grave tone of his voice, it wasn’t going to end well for me. I clung to hope still. He showed up. That was a start compared to the past two days of complete silence.

  “Fine,” I said. “The door is unlocked. You can let yourself in.”

  I pushed the button again before taking a seat on the couch. My stomach churned nervously as a minute stretched by before Cole opened the door to the apartment. He looked like hell too from the shadow of the beard on his jaw along with his messy hair. Dark bags circled his eyes as he closed the door behind himself. Neither one of us said a word as he took a seat next to me on the couch with a gap of space between us. That gap felt like the Grand Canyon. Cold waves radiated off of Cole as he stared down at the shag rug beneath my coffee table.

  I didn’t know what to say, so I waited anxiously for Cole to say something first.

  “Have you told anyone about the baby yet?” he asked, quietly.

  “No,” I whispered, shaking my head. “I, um, made an appointment though, for next week. I read that’s what you’re supposed to do.”

  Cole nodded sharply. “That’d be a good idea to go. You still aren’t willing to give this baby up, are you?”

  “I don’t think so,” I said, twisting my hands together to get rid of the chill in my fingers. “I don’t know, Cole. I just never thought that this would happen, or that I would ever have to think about what I would want to do in a situation like this.”

  “You lied to me about the pill, Violet. That’s part of being responsible when it comes having a sexual relationship with someone.”

  Hurt filled his voice. I reached out to touch him on the shoulder, but Cole drew back as though I slapped him. The gesture stung deep. I let my hand fall uselessly between us.

  “I know. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you. It’s just like I said. I didn’t think it would happen. I know that doesn’t make sense—”

  “It doesn’t make sense to me at all,” Cole blurted out and turned to look at me with angry and exhausted eyes. “You’re a smart girl, Violet. What were you thinking? That having unprotected sex wouldn’t ever get you into trouble?”

  Tears finally slipped from my eyes as I stared at him desperately. “Of course not! I just wanted you so much that I wasn’t thinking straight about birth control. I don’t know what I was thinking besides that I loved you. That was all I cared about at that time. That’s all I care about now.”

  “This is going to destroy us,” Cole said. “You get that, right? Your parents are going to flip the fuck out once they find out the truth about this baby, or what has been going on behind their backs.”

  “I don’t care about that,” I cried, shaking my head. “You don’t get it. I just want my own life away from them. I want a life with you! This could be a good thing if we really think about it.”

  “Do you honestly want a baby at twenty-two years old, Violet?”

  I grimaced at the question. “No. I didn’t want.”

  “That’s my point. Having a baby is a huge responsibility.” Cole shook his head as he looked at me with a blank expression. “I’m sorry for how I reacted the other night, Violet, but you have to understand what this is going to do to both of us.”

  “What would that be?” I asked angrily. “I’m tired of being told that I’m too young to understand what it means to carry on a relationship with you. I’m not that young.”

  “You are young compared to me,” he corrected grimly. “I’ve been through a lot with women. You are just beginning that adventure, and I don’t want to be responsible for ruining the rest of your life.”

  “You aren’t going to ruin my life, though. Why can’t you see that?”

  “Because I see that I’m going to. You don’t even know if you want to keep this baby yet. I can see it in your eyes. You don’t know what you want to do, and that’s perfectly fine at this time in your life.”

  Nerves grated from the lack of sleep and puking my guts out for the past few days, I caught Cole’s eyes to stare him down. I poured every ounce of my feelings into that stare, but he didn’t back down. His guard was up, higher than normal, and that’s when a voice told me to brace myself for what he was about to say. I could feel it through the pounding of my heart when Cole finally looked away with a resigned sigh.

  “I don’t think this should go anywhere further,” he said quietly. “It’s already gone too far, Violet. We need to stop seeing each other before anything else happens.”

  My whole world came crashing into me. It was like I had been stabbed a thousand times and would now never be able to get up.

  Chapter 21

  Cole

  Sobs tore from Violet’s beautiful lips. Hurt flashed in her eyes as she bowed her head to cry into her hands.

  It broke my heart to see it, but I had to distance myself now. I had no other fucking choice. Violet was pregnant with my baby, and now I would have to explain to her parents that I was the father. I was the one responsible for their daughter’s sleepless nights as she tried to navigate through the confusing emotions of our relationship.

  Relationship. The word tasted bitter on my tongue now. Violet was only twenty-two years old. She was just beginning to experience the world, and now we had a baby being born in the middle of this fucked up mess that I never should’ve let happen.

  “I’m sorry,” Violet sobbed, curling up in a ball next to me on the couch. “I’m sorry that I lied to you about the pills, Cole. I just—I just wanted to be with you. You have to understand that.”

  Those words clawed at my heart in the worst way possible. I was still numb with the thought of having a kid. I never pictured myself as a father, either. That had been Alan’s calling when he told me about Gloria’s pregnancy twenty-one years ago. I never wanted kids. Neither did Stephanie, so we never tried to expand our family. It was a mixed blessing with our divorce. We were the only ones left to deal with our bitterness and resentment, but it was lonely at the same time.

  Nonetheless, a baby being born in this type of situation was not a good idea. Not when I knew how Violet’s parents were going to react, or how everyone else around me at the office would react. We were treading on thin ice that was ready to collapse from beneath us.

  I couldn’t take any more of Violet’s heart-wrenching cries. It occurred to me that while I felt frightened at the prospect of having a kid unexpectedly, I could handle everything financially. My job had nothing to do with my personal
life. I had security for the future at the cost of my personal life, but I could deal with a bit of gossip. I’ve dealt with it before, but Violet wouldn’t survive it.

  The only financial security she had was her parent’s wealth, and there was no doubt in my mind that Gloria would rip that away because of the scandal. Gloria cared about her reputation so much that she put it above her own daughter’s well-being at times.

  Reaching forward, I stroked Violet’s tangled blonde hair back from her pale face. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy when she looked up at me through her fingers. She was utterly devastated and terrified. I could read it on her face as she sat up to look at me with a small glimmer of hope which made me feel even more guilty. I had rehearsed what I wanted to tell Violet on the drive to her apartment.

  “Whatever you decide to do, I will support you,” I said. “The baby, too. I won’t turn my back on my own kid if you decide to keep the baby.”

  “I-I-I don’t know what I’m going to do yet,” Violet said, pulling herself up into a sitting position. “I honestly never thought that this would happen, Cole. Please believe me.”

  I stared into her sincere eyes, but I couldn’t bring myself to fully believe that Violet didn’t think about birth control. Everything was moving lightning fast between us, and I had a feeling that she had gotten caught up in her own fantasies. This was a reality, though. I was twice her age with a multibillion dollar business underneath my belt, along with other investments. I was divorced and bitter from everything that happened.

  “You have a little bit of time to think about what you want to do,” I said. “How far along do you think you are?”

  “Maybe only a couple of weeks at the most.”

  “You have some time to think about what you want to do. I have some time to think about it too, but let me get you something just in case you do decide the alternative.”

  “What alternative?” Violet asked.

  I pulled out my checkbook. I scribbled my name down on the bottom. It felt as though someone was digging a knife into my gut as I handed the blank check over to Violet. This was the one thing I had prided myself on for the past year that I never once had to do, but now it was staring me straight in the face.

  Violet took the check with a frown. “What is this for?”

  “If you decide to end the pregnancy,” I said, and she looked up at me sharply. “Whatever the amount is, or wherever you go, I’ll cover it. I can afford to do it.”

  “Fuck no,” Violet spat viciously. She tossed the blank check back at me. “How can you be so cold about this, Cole? I didn’t even consider this as an option.”

  Frustration tore through me. My tumult of emotions was getting the best of me again.

  “What do you want to do, then?” I demanded, taking the check back to stuff it in my wallet. “What’s your plan here, Violet?”

  Violet’s eyes filled with tears again, but this time, they were angry tears. She wiped at the edge of her nose with the sleeve of her sweater as she glared at me.

  “I’m keeping this baby,” she said firmly. “I don’t care what people think, or what my family is going to think. I love you, okay? I want to have this baby with you.”

  “Violet—”

  “That’s my answer to your question. You wanted to know what my plan is. There you go. I’m keeping this baby, and I refuse to see it as a bad thing. No matter what you tell me, or what anyone else tells me.”

  “Calm down,” I said, running a hand through my hair in aggravation. “If you’re going to keep the baby, then I’ll help you with the baby. I didn’t know what you were wanting to do.”

  “Is that the only reason why you came here tonight?” Violet asked bitterly. “To see if I was going to keep the baby, or to check up on me to make sure I didn’t go tell my parents?”

  I gritted my teeth at her petulant attitude. Hormones. She was hormonal, but also afraid of the reason why I was here. No matter how much of a defensive front she put up, I knew at the end of the day, she cared about what her parents thought. The three of them were close and had been Violet’s entire life.

  “I wanted to make sure you were okay, but you know why I’m here, too.” Violet turned her head to stare down at the floor to hide her tears again. “I just think it’d be a good idea for us to stop seeing each other until we figure things out. This a situation where we can’t just jump into it blind, you know?”

  “I guess,” Violet muttered through her tears. “You’re going to end this now, aren’t you? That’s why you came here.”

  “I don’t want to end this,” I said. My heart was already shattered in my chest. I didn’t want to think about leaving Violet here all alone with our baby growing in her stomach, but this was for the best. We both needed the time to think. “You need the time to think about what you want to do. Not what I would want.”

  “You’re saying that we should stop seeing each other?”

  I reached forward to place a hand on her bent knee. Her leg tensed beneath my touch, but she didn’t pull away, either.

  “That’s what I am saying,” I said quietly. “I don’t want to hurt you anymore, Violet. I’m not good at relationships. My last relationship ended up in divorce.” Her shoulders quivered.

  “And no matter what you tell me,” I said. “I know how much you care about your parents. I care about them, too. This entire thing isn’t just about us. I know your father is going to be very angry over this entire thing.”

  “They’d have to get used to it eventually,” Violet whispered. “I’m pregnant. There’s nothing that is going to take that back. Not even how furious my parents get with you.”

  “You’re right, but for now, I think it’s a good idea if we take some time away from each other. Take the rest of the week off to get some rest.”

  “What about my job, though?”

  “I’ll arrange for working from home option for you so that you can work from here for some time,” I replied, squeezing her knee. “You really do need to stay here and take care of yourself, Violet. I can see that you don’t feel good. When’s the last time you were able to keep food down?”

  Violet shifted her knee away from my hand. “I haven’t been able to eat at all. I throw it all up.”

  “Try to keep yourself healthy as much as possible.”

  My phone buzzed from inside of my pants pocket. I pulled it out to read the text message from my driver waiting outside of Violet’s apartment.

  “I have to go, Vi,” I said. “You can call me anytime that you need me to do something.”

  “I need you to stay here with me right now,” Violet said, desperation clinging to her voice. “Can’t you just stay here with me? We could talk some more?”

  I rose from the couch, despite my heart urging me to sit back down. If I stayed, I would never be able to leave. Just staring down at Violet with her blonde hair tangled, eyes puffy and blood-shot with fear, tugged hard on my heart strings. I definitely had to leave. Just kiss her goodbye before you fuck something else up in the process.

  “I have to go,” I said. “I missed work today thinking about what to do. I have a few meetings to get to back at the office.”

  Leaning forward, I pressed a kiss on Violet’s forehead. She didn’t try to reach for me like I expected when I pulled away. For some reason, that stung worse than watching her curl up in a ball again to cry. I forced myself to open the door to her apartment and turned to look at her one last time before saying, “I know this feels fucked up, but I’m doing this to give you some time to think. I need the time to think too. Both of us need it to make a rational decision here.”

  Violet didn’t respond. She rolled over to her side, grabbing hold of a blanket folded on the couch to drape it over herself. I shut her apartment door with a heavy sigh.

  Manhattan was buzzing with energy for a Tuesday night when I told my driver to pull back into Crayton, Inc’s private parking garage. I took the elevator back up to my office to find the cleaning crew already there for t
he night. They waved to me as I passed by them before I opened my office.

  The silence felt good when I closed the door behind me. A headache pounded furiously in my temples as I clicked the lights on before heading to my desk for some aspirin and a glass of whiskey. Four meetings tomorrow morning, and all I could think about was Violet back at her small apartment terrified and upset because of me. All because of me.

  “I’m the biggest fucking dick in the world,” I growled, slamming the palm of my hand down on the desk.

  Pain shot up my arm. I had to bite that damn apple to see what it would taste like, and I had liked the taste too fucking much. We were both stuck in a fucked up situation that I had no idea how we were going to navigate through.

  If Violet did decide to keep the baby, I knew what would happen. Her father would want to kill me the second he laid eyes on me when he realized that he had trusted the wrong man with his daughter’s well-being. Then, there would be the gossip that spread like wildfire throughout the lonely housewives of the Hamptons before it reached the tabloids. Everyone would know then that Violet Summers had been knocked up by me.