Trans-Atlantyk

by Witold Gombrowicz

So think I, and what is’t, and how and why has that man so adhered to me? … And more intently I look him over … I look him over and see a man of seemly height, very Dark, and of not at all dull, indeed quite noble visage… But red lips he has! Lips he has, I say, Red, made Red, Carmined! And so with Lips Red he walks forth, is Walking, Walking! And ’tis as if someone gave me a whack in the Chops! And I as a Crab reddened! So as Boiled, Red, that Walk of mine, the Devil, the Devil, I directed to the door, and through that door—oh, now I’m not Walking on, Walking on but only Walking out … Walking—as if the Devil, as if Satan were chasing me—Out!

  Cursed that warp of Mankind! Cursed that swine of ours wallowing in mud! Cursed that Slough of ours! Indeed that one who Walked there, with whom I Walked, was no Bull, but a cow!

  A Man who, being a Man, fain would not be a Man but after Men chases, and after them Flies, admires, oh, Loves, Heats for them, Lusts for them, Hungers for them, makes up to them, simpers, adulates them, him folk hereabouts give the contemptuous name “puto.” Upon seeing those lips, the which although a Man’s with woman’s rouge bled, I could have no trace of doubt that my lot was to have happen to me a Puto. It was he and I who before all Walked, Walked as in a couple forever coupled!

  No surprise then that as a Madman, down the stairs from my shame I fled. But when I run thus along the streets I hear the Running of someone behind, and thus Running hear someone running behind me; and no one else that was but Puto who caught me by the sleeve. “Oh!” he cried. “I know your contempt and know that you my secret have discovered,” (and his lips red) “but know you that in me a Friend you have and an Admirer for by your walk you prevailed over all … And likewise together with you I began to Walk there so as to be of some Support to you, and so as you wouldn’t be one against all … Let us walk on then, Walk on!” (Saying this he took me by the arm and his breath—man’s but woman’s—singes me.) I drew back as in that confusion and consternation of mine I knew not what he would and what asks for, or perchance Lusts for, and besides, I felt a shame before people (though empty the street). But he breaks out laughing and like a woman, thinly, squealing, cries: “Be you not afear’d. You are already too old for me; with Young ones only I sport—with Boys!” So disdained, in choler I pushed him away, but he tenderly pressed against me: “Let us walk on, walk on, walk you with me; together we shall Walk a while! …” I naught to this. Yet, since we were going along the street together, he began to tell me His:

  Whereupon in a whisper he tells me his all, and I Listen. Viz. that man, perchance Mestizo, Portuguese, of a Persian-Turkish mother in Libya born, was called Gonzalo; and very Rich; about eleven or twelve in the morning from his bed gets up, drinks coffee, and then walks out into a street and there along it goes and after Youths or Lads. When he has singled out one, anon comes up to him, asks the way; and having thus begun with him starts to chat about this and that just to gather if that Boy can be persuaded into sin for five, ten, or even fifteen Pesos. But most often in Fear, in Terror he dared not speak of it, and they shunned him, whereupon he would away as if Stepped on. So then after another Boy, Youth, or even Lad who caught his eye… and there, if you please, again about the way asking, talking, and again about some Games or Dances chatting and all to tempt one for fifteen or twenty pesos; yet that Boy might say a sharp word to him or spit. Then he flees, but in Heat. Now after another Brunet or a Blond, accosting, inquiring. Then when he tires, he comes back to his home to rest and there on the Sopha having rested a bit, again onto a street to look for, walk, approach, ask now a Craftsman, now a Labourer or an Apprentice, or a Scullery Lad or a Soldier, or a Sailor. Most often though in Horror, Fear, whenever forth he steps, Back he steps straight; or else, if you please, he goes after one and that one has gone into a Shop or from sight has sunk away and naught on’t. Again then to his home, tired, fatigued, but Afire, comes back and having supped and rested on the Sopha, again into a street dashes, a Boy, if only well-shaped, to single out, talk into’t. If then he came by such a one and has settled on terms for ten, fifteen, or twenty Pesos, straightway to his lodging leads him; and there, having locked the door with a key, he his jacket, tie, trousers doffs, drops on the Floor, undresses down to his Shirt and the light dims, Perfume sprays. And here the Lad him in the jaw and to the Wardrobe to seize his linen or snatch his Cashes! Numb from a terrible fear Puto dares not cry out, allows him to take all and suffers his painful blows. From those Blows, Cuffs, his Heat even stronger! So after the Lad has left, he again into the street, blazing, Flaming, enraptured and likewise Terrified, Anguished, and on after Apprentices, young Craftsmen, Soldiers or Sailors; but whenever forth he steps, Back he steps for, although the lust great, the Fear greater than the lust. But now the night is late and streets are more and more empty; then to his home comes Puto back, down to his Shirt undresses, his tired bones in bed, lonely, comforts, so that tomorrow would Get up, drink coffee, and after Young boys chase—again. And the next day again he gets up, trousers, jacket dons, and after Young boys chases again. And the next day, having got up from his Bed, again into a street so as after Boys to chase.

  Whereupon I say: “Is’t possible, you miserable man, that a Craftsman or an Apprentice or a Soldier can yield to your temptation if only Disgust, Abomination you can rouse in him by your charms?” No sooner had I said this does he cry and seemingly sore wounded: “You are mistaken ’cause Eyes large and Fiery I have, and a white hand, and a Delicate foot!” Anon a few steps forth he ran, his Figure in undulations and gallantries displaying to me and Mincing it smartly. But thereupon he says: “After all, they are in need; coppers they need!” “Why, though,” say I, “why do you not give them more cashes, but only ten, fifteen, or twenty pesos, if you are rich and it costs you so much trouble to persuade?” Replies he: “Look at my clothes. I as an ordinary Sales clerk or a Barber dress and wear a shirt for eight Pesos, and this only so as not to betray my Riches; for by now I might have been perchance ten times suffocated, or with a Knife, or my Pate made hash of; and if I were to give a Boy more Pesos he would straight ask for more and then intrusion of my home, Threatening, Menacing, just to squeeze, cheat some more out of me. This is why, although a palace I have, my own Lackey I pretend to be. And my own Lackey I am in my Palace!”

  Here he cried in a desperate voice, but Shrilly: “Cursed, cursed that Fate of mine!” But anon raising towards the sky his hands—or dainty hands perchance—he cried Shrilly, piercingly: “Blessed, oh sweet, Marvellous my fate and I wish no other!” In tiny steps forth through the Air he strides and I alongside, trotting as in a Chaise. To the right, to the left he eyes with an eye large, wet, languid, and I alongside as Horse by Mare! Now giggles with a tinkling, now tears, large and womanly, sheds, and I here, markye, just as at a Tartar wedding!

  Suddenly into a side street he darted and along it runs for he had caught sight of a Soldier … but anon he stops, dodges around a corner as an Apprentice was passing … now again from the corner darts out after a Sales clerk and stops again, peers around, edges around back-ways and this ’cause a Scullery Lad passed, robust, young … And so by young Boys tossed, by them as by Dogs on all sides torn, now to the right, now to the left rushes, courses, and I behind him … for now he draws me along! And his Sin, Dark, Black, gave me some relief from this terrible shame of mine that I had swallowed at the Reception. And in darkness, in Sin we burst onto a Plaza where the tower built by the English is: there a hill inclines towards a river and the city descends to the port, and soft the river’s tone as a tune amidst the Plaza’s trees … There many young Sailors were.

  But she, who after one of them has just been coursing, stopped as if struck by a Thunderbolt. “Do you see that Boy, that Blond there ahead of us? It must be a miracle or even an Omen of good fortune! Him I love more than all others; after him I have already betimes rushed, dashed but he ever disappeared from my sight. Oh bliss, joy that I see him again; again after him, after him, ah, after him can run!”

  And, heedless of everything now
, after this Youth darted; and I behind him! From a distance I could not see much of that Blond Boy and only his jacket, his head glimpsed … but I see that he makes towards the gates of a park, with cheap merrymaking for the common folk, the which is called Japanese Park and the which on one side of the Plaza with garish lamps is lighted, and there he stopped in the flickering glare of lanterns, the which from boards, posts hung. Ergo, he stands there as if waiting. And she amidst the trees that were on the Plaza like a Weasel ran and, in their shadow taking cover, from there began to yearn towards him and sigh.

  Ergo methinks: And what is’t? Where am I? What do I do? And from him would I have fled long ago, yet sorrowful sore was I to desert my only companion. For a Companion he was. Yet, when by the Tree he so together with me, I feel somewhat discomfited as neither Fish nor Fowl. Viz. hairs black, manly he had on his hand, but this hand—Dimpled, White, dainty Hand … and likewise perchance foot… and although a Cheek dark with shaven hairs, this Cheek of his charms and coquettes as if ‘twere not Dark but indeed white … and likewise Leg though Manly as if ‘twould be a Dainty leg and Charms in curious caprices… and though head of a man in his prime, bald at the brow, Wrinkled, this head as if slips off a head, seeking to be a dainty head … So he as if fain would not himself, and himself Transforms in the silence of the night, and now you wit not whether ’tis He or She … and perchance, being neither this nor that, he has the aspect of a Creature and not a human … He lurks, the rascal, stands, says naught, and only at his Boy silently gazes. So I think, what the Devil, Werewolf, and wherefore I here with him when he Shames me and because of him my disgrace at that Reception, but the Devil, Satan, and be it the Devil himself, I will not desert him in any case since he walked with me and so together we Walk.

  Suddenly a Man older, grizzled, to that Boy came up; upon seeing this, Puto became exceeding agitated, has begun to give me signs and says: “This curse, this Misfortune of mine! Who is that Old codger? What would he with him? Surely they were appointed to meet here and he will treat him!… Go you thither, listen to what they are saying to each other … Go you thither, listen, for I am dying with jealousy … go, go …”

  His whisper, hot, well-nigh singed my ear. Having emerged from under the trees, I came closer to the Youth who, of middling height, fair hair, foot, hand of middling size and those eyes of his so, Teeth so, Crown so—that rascal, rascal, oh rascal Gonzalo! But what do I hear! Our Tongue indeed!

  As if burnt, I quickly away from them sprang and forth to Gonzalo: “Do as you will. But I’m off and naught I’ll have with it since they are my Countrymen and belike Son with Father! Naught, and home I’ll go!”

  By the hand he has seized me: “Oh!” he does cry, “God had it so that you happened to me, my Friend, and you will not refuse me your support! And if they are your Countrymen it will be easy for you to make acquaintance with them! And then you will acquaint me with them and I’ll be your wholehearted Friend for all time, and even ten, twenty, thirty thousand will give you or haply more! Let us walk on, walk on after them—they are already entering the Park!”

  I would Beat him! But he comes closer, presses against me: “Let’s walk on, walk on, for indeed together we Walk. Walk you, walk you, let us Walk on, Walk on!” And so saying he started forward, and I to my Walking, went into my Walk, and let’s Walk on, Walk on, Walk on!

  So into the park we run! And there trains with a roar from behind a Cliff, yonder Harlequins or empty Bottles, else Carousels or See-saws, or Trampolines; further on a-circling on wooden horses, a-shooting at target, a make-believe Grotto or Curved Mirrors and so everything, if you please, in the din of Merrymaking and amidst Chinese lanterns, sky Rockets and Fire-works, turns, flies, shoots! And people walk and just know not—one looks at a Seesaw, another at a Harlequin and so from a Mirror to a Bottle walks and gapes either at this or at that; and everything galloping, vibrating, here a Monster and there a Hypnotist! So the merriment bubbles, See-saws swing, Carousels chase their tails, and people are walking, walking and walking, and walking and walking, and from a See-saw to a Carousel else from a Carousel to a See-saw. So turn the Carousels. Swing the See-saws. And people are just Walking. And Mirrors lure with lanterns, Bottles shout with a barker’s voice, and so if not Bottles then a Train that bursts with a roar, or a Lake in the make-believe grotto, or a Harlequin; from which Glare and Roar and all merriments’, Amusements’ turning and whirling and flying. And whilst Amusements Amuse themselves, people are walking, walking!

  Running headlong was Gonzalo, afraid they might be lost to him in the crowd and, having found them, he made signs at me to come apace. And to me: “They are going into the Dance Hall!” I say: “We’d do better to go round on the Carousel.” He says: “No, no, into the Dance Hall!” Whereupon into the Dance Hall. There two orchestras that play alternately. There, in the limitless space, mayhap a thousand tables aswarm with people, and in the midst the great surface of the floor Lake-hued. Then the Music plays, whereupon couples come out, turn; and when the Music stops, the couples stop alike. So vast the hall, so great its space that from one end to the other—as in the Mountains when from a height, the highland, the eye in a Valley there strays, drowns—people like unto ants … and from the distance comes a Hum, and the voice of music strays. Workers, maids, vendors, apprentices, and Sailors aplenty, and Soldiers, also clerks, seamstresses, or Vendeuses, and by the tables they sit or in the midst turn themselves to the time of the music; when the Music breaks off, they stop. The hall exceeding white.

  The youth with his father (‘cause it was his father) was sitting at a table and drinking beer. We with Gonzalo sat at the neighbouring table and Gonzalo ever after me to make their acquaintance. “Go to them, drink to them as Fellow countrymen and I will belike Drink, and drink together in Company we will!”

  But the hall large, lights galore, and people stare so I feel Uneasy and say: “Not to do for ’tis too impertinent” … and in my mind I was seeking a reason to take leave as Ashamed I was even to sit with such a man at the table. He importunes, I demur. We are supping wine, and the Music plays and the couples turn. Whereupon Gonzalo again that I should go to them and as besotted glances at his Chosen one and, trying to endear himself and catch his eye, he winks, flutters his hand (his Dainty hand), giggles, and jiggles his seat… and then, Poking a waiter with his elbow, “More wine!” he shouts and likewise makes little bread pellets and shoots them, greeting these Pranks of his with riotous laughter! And more and more embarrassed as now people begin looking, say I: “For necessity I needs must go,” and I go to the Privy; and that with the intention of escaping his sight and being lost. To the Privy I am going, going… But someone in the crowd caught me by the sleeve. And who? Pyckal! Behind Pyckal the Baron and after him Ciumkala! At this my Bewilderment. How came they here?! And I wonder if they are not spoiling for a Brawl as perchance they have hastened here after me to have at me for that shame, the which they had swallowed at the Reception … But naught of that!

  “Ah, Pan Witold, dear, Esteemed! So we meet again! So let’s go and Drink a dram! A dram! Let’s to it, I’ll treat! No, no, I’ll Treat! No, no, I’ll Treat!”

  Instantly Pyckal bawled: “What think you, dunce—you will Treat! Did you see the dolt! I’ll Treat!” But the Baron takes me by the arm, leads me aside, and Whirrs hard, buzzes as a Bumblebee: “Listen not to them, Pan. Ears burn from such Boorishness. We will drink something Together. Prithee, prithee, my Pan!” But Pyckal caught me by the sleeve and draws me away and into my ear says: “Why should that French Poodle bore you with his Silly, Idiotic airs? Come you with me. We will Drink, and with no Ceremony!”

  Say I then: “God reward you, God reward you. There is no greater honour for me than to drink with you, friends of mine. But I’m in Company.”

  As I have said this, they nudge each other with their elbows, and likewise wink, nod their heads: “In company, in company! In Company, indeed! And belike with Gonzalo you are, the Devil! You have befriended Gonzalo, with Gonz
alo you Walk, may I be kicked by a Duck! But that man sits on millions! You are not as mad as people say. Let’s go for a dram! for a dram! Let’s drink, I’ll Treat! No, no, I’ll Treat!”

  So they are more and more cordially, familiarly approaching, but since they do not dare nudge me with the elbow, they nudge each other under the ribs, they poke each other, they banter amongst themselves and now each to the others: “Let’s go, let’s drink!” All that as if for themselves but perchance for me … and they have now begun to Hug, kiss each other (viz. with me they would not dare) and “Let’s go, Let’s go! I’ll treat. No, no, I’ll treat! “Pyckal shakes his Purse; the Baron his likewise; Ciumkala his cashes takes out of a wrapper. Now each shews his to the others, each sticks his cashes under the nose of the others. And Pyckal called out: “You’ll not Treat me; I’ll treat you and, what’s more, I may give you some hundred pesos if I feel so inclined!” The Baron exclaimed: “I will give you even two hundred!” And Ciumkala: “I have three hundred here, here I have three hundred and further fifteen in coins!”

  I see that, although they are treating each other thus, each other inviting and shewing these cashes each to the others, perchance me they would Treat and perchance me they would shew … except that they dare not… and haply they suspect me of an Amour with the exceeding rich Puto … and for this reason perchance they would give me heaps of gold, and they know not themselves with what to treat me, how to plead with me! At such a heavy insult and likewise shame that they seemingly see a lover of his in me … I nearly whacked a mug, but just cried not to pother my brain, there being no time! … and I quickly made off. I enter the Privy, they after me. There was one man who was making water into a Urinal. I to a urinal, they to urinals. But when that man who had been making water left, they jointly at me. And the Baron shouted to Pyckal: “Here, have five hundred Pesos.” And Ciumkala to the Baron: “Here, have six hundred.” And Pyckal to Ciumkala: “Here seven hundred, have seven hundred. Take when I’m giving!” They take cashes out, brandish them under noses for themselves, for me, and press them each on the others! Haply they are Madmen!