The Weight of Madness

by Randileigh Kennedy

  “Does that make me a horrible person?” I buried my face in my hands.

  “Of course not, I do this for Olivia all the time,” she responded, resulting in a laugh from both of us. “Have you at least Googled her yet?”

  “No way.”

  “What?” she replied incredulously. “Stalking 101, always Google your guy’s ex. You can find out a lot about someone that way. You’ve really never looked her up?”

  “No way, I don’t think I want to know.” I shook my head.

  “Why not?”

  “I don’t know, what if she’s gorgeous? It’ll just make me feel bad,” I replied honestly.

  “Sophia Grace, you said she’s a drug addict,” Lexi said sternly. “Don’t you for a second get insecure, thinking she has anything over you.”

  “He really cared about her,” I stated earnestly. “There was obviously something there. I don’t want to look, ever. I don’t want to know. I really think it’s better if I don’t. Look, I just want to know if buying that old cabin’s even a possibility for him or not. That’s it. I don’t want numbers, or specific details about his personal accounts. I just want to know if it’s possible for him.”

  Lexi scribbled some things down on a piece of paper.

  “What are you doing?” I asked curiously as she made a few more notes in between typing on her keyboard.

  “Sending an email to a friend of mine over at the MLS,” she explained, still typing. “I’ll talk to my friend at the title company as well. I should have some more answers for you in a week or two, depending on how complicated the search is. Once I get the details about the property, I can look into the numbers. I’ll try my best to give you the information you want without making you feel like a complete stalker.”

  “Thank you, Lexi,” I replied sincerely. I wasn’t sure whether she’d be able to find out anything important before Lance himself found it, but I was so grateful for her help.

  I finished out my work day, going through the motions. My brain felt zapped and I so badly wanted to just curl up into bed even though it was barely five o’clock.

  Before heading home, I made my way over to see Grandma Eve. I wanted to surround myself with someone I cared so deeply for. My heart was still aching and I hoped her company would relieve some of that.

  “Hello Maggie,” Grandma Eve said as soon as I walked into her room. “Your hair looks terrible.”

  “Grandma, Maggie was your daughter.” I gently patted her arm as she rested in a floral recliner watching MASH. “I’m Sophia, your granddaughter. I just came by to visit with you for a bit.” There was no point in getting into a conversation with her about my messy ponytail, so I let the hair comment slide.

  “Well I don’t have long, I have Bunco tonight. It’s Thursday.”

  I didn’t have the heart to tell her it wasn’t Thursday, nor remind her that her weekly Bunco group dissolved over a decade earlier.

  “Did you go to afternoon tea today?” I had to change the subject.

  “No. Harold never picked me up.”

  I hated how often she brought up my grandfather as if he’d let her down in some way. The fact that she sounded sad about missing tea with him – it broke my heart that he’d been gone for three years now, and he’d missed so many teas with her. That was one of the worst parts of Alzheimer’s. No matter my efforts to explain anything to her, it was gone before I finished talking.

  “He sure loved you, Grandma Eve,” I said warmly, squeezing her hand from the chair next to hers.

  “It wasn’t always sunshine you know,” she replied, turning her attention toward me. “You young people think love is sunshine. If there’s one thing I can tell you…love ain’t sunshine.”

  “You’ve told me that,” I snickered, loving these candid conversations with her. “Coincidentally I think I believe you now more than ever.”

  “You in a storm?” she asked curiously. Her TV program was still playing in front of us, but she was only focused on me now.

  “Something like that.”

  “So grab an umbrella and keep on walking,” she replied nonchalantly as if I really had no problem at all. There was no sympathy in her voice.

  “I wish it were that easy.”

  “Love ain’t easy, and it ain’t sunshine,” she continued. “But it’s worth it every time. So keep walking through the rain. You’ll get there…to that glimmer of sunshine.” She smiled back at me, and she sounded so lucid as she spoke. I loved these moments when she was the exact person I knew her to be all my life.

  “Thank you,” I replied sincerely. “I know you’re right.”

  “I know, Maggie,” she responded, softly patting my hand. I so badly wanted to remind her I wasn’t my mother, but there was no point. “I need to do my hair now. Harold will be here in an hour to take me to the drive-in. Ladies like me, we do our hair. We never could’ve settled for that ponytail nonsense you girls do these days. Love ain’t sunshine, and hair should be set. Those are two hard truths.” I smiled back at her as she said it, always struck by the way her brain worked through our conversations.

  Her caretaker Jodi softly knocked on the door, holding a small cup of pills. “Time to take your meds before dinner, Miss Eve,” she said politely.

  “I can’t. Those pills are killing me,” my grandma replied in a bitter tone. “Maggie, they’re trying to kill me here. So many pills. I think they want me gone so they can have my room.”

  “That’s not true, Grandma,” I said sincerely, hoping to reassure her as I watched the agitation grow on her face. “The medicine helps you. It’s good for you.”

  “I’m not taking it,” she said firmly, cupping a hand over her face. “You can kill me some other time, but not tonight. I have plans to go to town.”

  Obviously she had no plans tonight to go anywhere. These were the moments that were so hard for me to witness. “I’ll handle it,” Jodi said quietly to me as I stood. I imagined she saw the tears start to well up in my eyes. I mouthed back the words thank you, kissed my grandma on the cheek, and left the room. I couldn’t watch the progression of what was about to happen. Grandma Eve often got defensive when forced to do something she didn’t want to do. She would get angry and start yelling. I didn’t have it in me to witness tonight.

  As I walked out of the assisted living facility, my phone rang. It was Austin, which caught me off guard. He usually just texted instead of calling.

  “Hello?”

  “I probably won’t be in to the store tomorrow,” he said with a hint of urgency in his voice. “It’s Anne. The baby. We’ve been at the hospital for the last hour, there’s some kind of complication.”

  “What? Oh my goodness, I’m on my way there,” I said frantically, unsure as to what that all meant.

  “No, there’s no need for you to come,” he replied, still sounding shaken. “They’re finally about to release us now. But they’ve put her on bed rest for the time being. I want to stay with her tomorrow. Just to make sure everything is okay.”

  “Of course, oh my goodness,” I repeated, completely at a loss for words. “Are you sure there’s nothing I can do? Can I bring you guys anything? Food or something?”

  “We’re exhausted tonight,” he said, sounding defeated. “She was having some early contractions, and there were some issues with the baby’s heartbeat. They think he’ll be okay, but it’s just too early for all of this. But with bed rest, they think they can monitor it and he will be okay.”

  “It’s a boy?” I gushed, picking up on his phrasing.

  “Yeah, I guess that’s the good news. We found out when they were doing an ultrasound. Anne originally wanted it to be a surprise, but I’m honestly kind of relieved to find out. It will all be okay. I just wanted you to know.”

  “Please let me know if there is anything I can do,” I reiterated, unsure of how to help. We said goodbye and I hung up. If my heart was hurting earlier, it was ready to explode now. Between Lance, my grandma, and the news about the baby, it was all t
oo much for me. I just wanted to fall asleep in a hot bath and not wake up for at least a year until things were less complicated.

  I finally pulled in to my apartment’s parking lot, and it looked like there was someone sitting on the top steps by my door. As I stepped out of my car, I could make out the silhouette. I wasted no time in getting there.

  “How long have you been out here?” I asked softly as I approached Lance on the top step. His eye was still puffy and he had some bruising around it. He looked exhausted.

  “A couple hours,” he said hesitantly. “I was going to call, but thought this would be better in person. I thought you’d come home after work.”

  “I went to see my Grandma Eve.” I set my purse down on the stoop as I took a seat next to him.

  “How is she?”

  “I’m not sure,” I said honestly, never sure how to answer that question. “She’s as lucid as she is lost. There’s this glimpse of her every time we talk, and she’s exactly who I know her to be. Then minutes later, she may as well be a stranger.” I paused. “It’s kind of like the way things are with us,” I added quietly. I hated the way my heart felt like it was constantly breaking over people I cared for who didn’t have the capacity to simply feel the same way.

  He stared into my eyes as I spoke, and there was so much emotion on his face. He looked vulnerable and defeated, but there was still a hint of a smile on his lips. I gently reached up my hand, softly trailing my fingers along the temple of his bruised eye.

  “It looks worse than it is,” he uttered softly, still not breaking his stare.

  “Why is your left hand wrapped?” I questioned, taking note of a different injury than what I saw at the police station. His right hand was the bloody swollen one then.

  “The brick fireplace in my apartment,” he stated quietly. “Sometimes when I feel completely broken, that’s the only response I can get out.”

  “Lance,” I whispered, unsure what else to say about it.

  “Soph, I don’t know what to do.” His eyes begged me for an answer, though I didn’t know the question. “Please just tell me what to do.”

  “I’m not the person to tell you what to do. Everything around me is breaking,” I replied, resting my other hand on his. “I’m watching my world disconnect piece by piece and I’ve never felt so helpless. My Grandma Eve… I’m losing her in the slowest way possible and it pulls my heart out every single day. It’s one thing to lose someone quickly. It burns and it aches and it throws you into a tailspin before you can even process it. I know exactly how that feels. I do. But there’s something about losing someone slowly, day by day, right in front of your eyes. It’s a heaviness that eats away at anything good you believe in. If there’s an answer to your question, I don’t know what it is because everything I think – everything I want – I don’t seem to be in a position to choose the outcome I want. So instead I’m just falling apart, watching it all unravel in front of me.”

  Lance pulled me into his chest and slow tears fell from my eyes. The part I couldn’t directly say was that he was breaking me too. Against my better judgment, I was still falling for him, no matter how incapable he seemed of loving me back. It felt like a curse.

  “Maybe you should be the one telling me what to do,” I said softly.

  “Let me love you as I am,” he whispered into my ear, gently brushing the hair back from my face. “Of all the madness in my head – you’re the only thing that makes sense. I know that doesn’t right any of my wrongs, or make up for the burdens I carry, but I swear, Soph – I’ll do whatever it takes to be a man who’s worthy of you. I’ll take all the pills they’re shoving at me. I’ll go to their specialists and therapists. But you have to promise me something.”

  “What?”

  “You have to promise that you’ll let me love you exactly as I am now. Even if that means I don’t get better. Everything I am, everything I’ve done – you have to promise to let me love you in spite of it all, no matter how ugly it is. Somehow, if it’s possible, maybe you can figure out a way how to find goodness in me anyway, no matter how imperfect I seem on the surface.”

  “I don’t care what you’ve done, Lance. Who you are to me – this person right now in front of me, showing his heart to me… I already told you, it’s enough. You are enough. I will never ask for anything more of you. I care about who you are right now.”

  “You could love me without knowing everything I’ve done?”

  “I already am,” I replied quietly. “I know it’s a slow process, but I already know there will be so much to love about you. I don’t need to know what you went through or what you’ve done. That can all be insignificant to our story, Lance. You, being here – that’s enough for me. Every time.”

  “Do you really believe that? What if I don’t get better, Soph?”

  “I swear to you I will see this through, even if that means you don’t get better. But you have to make the same promise, Lance. You can’t walk away from me every time you break. It doesn’t work that way.”

  “I promise I’m not giving you up,” he whispered, leaning his face down to mine. His eyes looked so innocent and full of life, and I knew everything I’d said was true. His past really didn’t matter to me, so long as his words were true. If he upheld his promise not to give up on me, I was sure we could make it. I was all-in.

  He leaned in and kissed me, and in that moment I felt so connected to him, knowing we both so badly wanted the same thing – each other. He scooped me up into his arms, carrying me into my apartment, and I knew from this moment on we could get through anything together.

  Chapter 17

  The rest of the week flew by, and there was so much less sadness on my heart. The bed rest was working out well for Anne. The baby’s heart appeared to be doing well and I could see the relief all over Austin’s face once he returned to work. The love he already felt for his unborn baby was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen on a man. It truly warmed me to watch their love story unfold, and I was so envious of the bond and strength they shared together as they navigated through this obstacle.

  My Grandma Eve was her typical self; spunky, sassy, and sideways. I took Lance to meet her, and they hit it off famously. She laughed at all his jokes and he loved the way she kept patting his arm while calling him Franklin. She suggested they were neighbors once, back in their childhood, and of course Lance didn’t bother trying to correct her. It made no difference. We listened to her old records and he danced with her in the kitchen. For a moment, I saw her eyes getting misty while they swayed to an old tune across the tile floor. She looked as if she was in the middle of a memory. Her eyes sparkled and her face looked full of joy, which in turn made my heart light up as well, watching the two of them carry on together. We stopped by again the following evening, and while I was painting Grandma Eve’s nails, another resident came by and wanted hers done as well. Lance wasted no time in grabbing a polish and giving it his best effort. The ladies gushed about him, and watching him there, strong and confident, tenderly holding the weathered hand of a ninety-two year old woman who was a stranger to both of us – I’m pretty sure it was the most handsome I’d ever seen him.

  Lance’s eye and knuckles began to heal, as did the distance between us. He made an appointment to see his doctor, and I appreciated the effort he was making. I kept up my promise of not asking about his past, and oddly enough that somehow encouraged him to progress with his treatment.

  Evenings flew by with us wrapped up in each other, often on his patio or along the beach, watching the stars appear. He held me with such purpose, as though we were magnets forever fighting against every outside pull. Then at night, I held him as he thrashed around in his sleep, screaming, sweating, and cursing through whatever was inside his head. We still talked very little about it, but I didn’t feel the need; I would keep my promise to stay by him, regardless of what ailed him, and he would let me stay until the madness left, if it would at all. That alone was our bond, and in a strange way
, avoiding the past allowed us to grow closer moving forward.

  The following weekend I had an important buyer coming in town to look at some of the pieces in my shop. I was excited and anxious and terrified all at once. After a few video conferences with their CEO, I knew it had the potential to be a big order spread out over a period of time. It would be an amazing advance for the shop, and I knew that meant a lot to Austin given they were just a couple months out from their due date.

  “I can stay in town this weekend if it would make you feel better,” Lance said reassuringly as we sat on some wooden barstools outside of a lakefront burger joint. “I can tell my dad we have to reschedule.”

  “You don’t need to do that,” I replied genuinely. “Go be with your family. I know it’s been awhile since you’ve seen your parents, I’m sure they really miss you. If anything, I’ll be too frazzled to have a rational conversation with you until my meeting is over. More importantly, how do you feel about going home to see your dad? This is a business meeting about his construction company, right?”

  “I think he’s finally ready to sell it,” Lance explained with a heavy sigh. “I think that’s why he wants Logan and me there in person. I feel like I let him down and I hate it.”

  “What makes you think that?”

  “The fact that the company is called Rivers & Sons for starters,” he replied dryly. “The disappointment is etched onto thirteen company trucks. Sometimes I look back and think maybe I should’ve just gone along with it. For his sake, you know? Real estate is a good life. I could’ve continued on with it. But it just wasn’t what I wanted, and I hated the pressure. Living in Carlstown the rest of my life wasn’t what I wanted either. It was eating me alive and I just had to get out. Logan paved the way for that by leaving first I guess. He at least made it easier for me to follow.” He paused, and I assumed that was a sign he didn’t want to say much more about it. “I couldn’t be happier that I left.” He smiled at me, changing the subject. “My life would be so dull if I’d never had the chance to meet Sophia Grace.”