The Weight of Madness

by Randileigh Kennedy

  “What’s going on?” I looked back at forth between Jodi and Lance, hoping someone would give me an explanation. Instead of replies from either of them, my Grandma Eve wasted no time in responding.

  “I told you, we’re going dancing,” my Grandma Eve stated, raising an arm up in the air. “I never miss a party where there’s dancing.”

  “It’s only going to be for an hour or so,” Jodi added reassuringly. “She’ll be fine. It’ll be good to get her out of there for a bit, and I’m here just in case of an emergency. The head nurse signed off on it, it’s okay.”

  “Lance, what’s going on?” He still wasn’t answering me.

  “Put your seatbelt back on,” he said with a sly expression. “You heard the woman, we have a party to get too. And there’s going to be dancing.” Lance wasted no time making sure everyone was strapped in and ready to go. He pulled out of the lot and headed north up Lakeshore Boulevard.

  “Seriously, where are we going?” I repeated with a coy expression, already sure he wasn’t going to tell me.

  “You really think I’m going to ruin the surprise now?” He looked over at me from the driver’s seat. His face radiated, and this moment was everything I wanted. He looked restored in some way, as if he truly was beginning to change. He looked happy about life. He looked free. He was clearly doing something very thoughtful now, including my Grandma Eve in all this, and that meant so very much to me.

  “How did you talk them into this?” I pointed to the back seat. “Grandma Eve, do you know where we’re going? How did Lance convince you to leave the center?”

  “He’s a very good dancer,” she chimed in with more enthusiasm than I was expecting. “He reminds me so much of Harold. He never missed an opportunity to dance. That’s when you know, dear girl. When a man can’t resist an opportunity to dance with you, that’s the one you pick. That was Harold.”

  “She’s been talking about dancing a lot lately,” I said curiously to Lance. “It’s the strangest thing.”

  “She’s a great dancer,” Lance added, looking back at me as we stopped at a traffic light on North Pines Boulevard. “I stopped by to see her a couple times. I’m sorry if that feels like an invasion of your privacy, but I wasn’t sure who else to talk to about you. I needed her wisdom. I wasn’t sure what else to do.”

  “He painted my nails,” Grandma Eve chimed in, and it finally dawned on me – he was the visitor she told me about. Frank Rizzo? Was that the name of her old neighbor? I thought she’d made the entire thing up.

  “The last time I was there, she kept telling me she wanted to go out dancing, and she made me promise I would take her. I’m just trying to be the guy who makes good on my promises.” He stared back at me with intense eyes and there was so much emotion on his face. He reached out and put his hand on mine in my lap. It was a sweet gesture. “I promised I would come back for you, Soph. So I did. I’m here, and I’m not letting you go again. I swear to you that’s true. I also promised her I would take her out dancing, so here we are.” He smiled and it melted me. He was so intentional with his actions when his heart was involved, and I loved that about him. I realized the downside to that was the way sometimes it magnified his actions when he was angry as well, when he felt too much. Every time his heart hurt it came out the wrong way, apparently in the form of breaking things, but I couldn’t fault him for that. The mere fact that he was expressing his thoughts, that mattered a great deal to me, even if I couldn’t have the good without the bad.

  We turned up the gravel drive and I knew instantly where we were headed. Within thirty seconds, we were pulled in front of the old cabin. The outside was still weathered – it desperately needed paint, but some boards had been replaced and the deck around it had been repaired. All of the old broken windows were now replaced by new ones, and although it still appeared in need of a great deal of work, it was already a vast improvement over what I saw the last time I was here.

  I thought back to my last visit – the way he was smashing this place, piece by piece. I felt so many emotions about this cabin, and I wasn’t sure what to feel now.

  The rain had let up quite a bit, and now it was just a fine mist. Lance still opened his umbrella and led me out of the truck, helping Jodi and Grandma Eve do the same. We made our way up to the porch and stood before the new front door.

  “I asked you earlier if you’d been fixing up the Rivers Residence,” I stated skeptically, noting all the work that had been done to the place. “You said no. You told me you were working on a place for a friend.”

  “That was all true,” he answered with a slight shrug. “I’m not doing this all for myself, Soph. All the dreams I had about the Rivers Residence, those dreams are long gone – because I was alone in all of them. When I first found this place, the reason it struck me was because I wanted to be alone here, tucked away from the rest of the world. That’s not my dream anymore. I’m not fixing this place up for myself.”

  “I don’t understand what that means,” I said with a guarded tone. He wasn’t making much sense to me at this point.

  “Give me a minute to explain everything,” Lance began, squeezing my hand. “The reason your grandma is here, other than my promise of dancing, is because I asked her something.” He paused, and I wasn’t sure what he was getting at. My throat felt tight and emotion was welling up in my eyes. “Look, I know we had a rocky start. When I met you, I wasn’t ready for a girl like you. The way you care about other people, Soph – it’s this magnificent thing that just radiates through you, and I had no clue how to feel worthy of those feelings. These people in your life, your Grandma, your friends – you love with complete abandon – it’s easy and pure and I’m so envious of that. You’re all in, and it’s the most beautiful thing to witness. It radiates in you and you light up every time you’re around them. I would watch your face when you’re with Olivia, or while you’re painting your grandma’s nails, and the joy you have on your face simply from that connection – it’s like sunshine. That pure, uncomplicated love fills up the entire room and it changes everyone in it. I’ve had so much darkness in my life over the past couple years, and all I could think to do was hide those things from you, so you’d see something else when you looked at me.”

  My eyes felt wet and it took everything in me to hold my tears back. My Grandma Eve reached out and squeezed my hand.

  “But that’s the thing with sunshine,” he continued. “Within seconds, it can fill up every crevice of a dark room. It’s more overpowering than any bit of darkness.”

  “Love ain’t sunshine,” my Grandma Eve interjected. It made me smile.

  “Exactly, Soph. She’s wise, you know. Love ain’t sunshine. I get that. But you, Soph – I finally realized that you are the sunshine against all the darkness inside of me. All the madness that’s found its way in – you are the single only thing that wins. I’ve spent the last three weeks talking to multiple therapists, and seeing specialists, and taking pills that I can’t even pronounce… And those things are helping me, I know that. But ultimately, Soph, the way your goodness pours into other people – the way you immediately see people’s strengths as you do – finding the best in them, despite their flaws – if everyone in the world had someone to see them the way you do, Soph, so many more battles would be won that way.”

  I stared back at him and I couldn’t hold back my emotions any longer. Slow tears slid down my face and I was so grateful for this moment. I didn’t expect that he was cured of anything from a medical standpoint, but it seemed he finally realized that his condition wasn’t him. Sure, it was part of him, there was no denying that. But the things he went through, I hoped he finally realized those weren’t his weaknesses – instead, the way he fought those battles is where he got his strength, and that’s what was beautiful to me.

  “The cabin is a work in progress, obviously,” he continued. “But it has a new door. That seemed like a good place to start.” He gently turned the knob and pushed it open, yet he didn’t lead me i
n just yet. “Your grandma is here because I asked her for her permission to love you, Soph. I don’t know exactly what that looks like. I know we have so much more to learn about each other, but I wanted her permission to be the person who gets to love you with as much fierceness as you love other people. You’ve already seemed convinced all this time that I was worth it, but I wanted her to be certain of it too so she never has to worry about you.”

  By now the tears were pouring out of my eyes and I couldn’t hold them back.

  “Any man who would go through all of this is worth loving you,” Grandma Eve added. “Harold and I danced through all of the storms, Sophia. That’s all that matters. No one can ask for anything more than that. Life isn’t perfect, love isn’t perfect, but when you find someone who will dance in the rain with you, that’s the one you pick. That’s one of the only things I’m absolutely certain of. Sometimes you just have to find the magic in the madness.”

  “This house, Soph, is far from ready. I’ve repaired the walls and the flooring, and I’ve been working on the kitchen, but I’m aware there is so much more that needs to be done. But like I told you the very first night I met you, you’ve made me realize there is so much else to want.” He handed his umbrella to Jodi and he held onto both of my hands. The slow raindrops continued to fall, but neither of us cared. “You told me all you want in the entire world is a place where you can wake up and see the lake from your bedroom, right?” he asked softly. “And all I want is to be loved by a girl who sees more potential and greatness in me than I could ever see on my own. I so badly want to fix this place for you, Soph. I don’t want it to be mine – I want it to be ours. I want it to engulf you and be a place where you find the kind of warmth and peace that a heart like yours deserves. By the time it’s finished, probably months from now at the pace I’m going, but nevertheless, by the time it’s done – if you still find me worthy of your love, then I want to wake up every morning to this view as well.” He wasn’t looking at the house or the lake as he said it, but instead he was staring directly into my eyes.

  “I want all of that,” I replied, gently touching his face. He leaned in and kissed me and it felt as warm and familiar as it did before.

  “I want to show you what I’ve done so far,” he stated, leading me inside the cabin. I couldn’t believe what I was looking at. There were beautiful wood floors laid out in front of me and the walls had been repaired and painted a light shade of grey. The white trim was a stunning contrast, and the bones of this place finally looked new. I felt a great sense of relief to see this place hadn’t been destroyed. Instead, it was beautiful to me, despite the work it still needed.

  “The kitchen is the best part,” he whispered into my ear. He led me through the main room, then around the corner. My eyes locked on other familiar faces. Olivia, Lexi, and Logan were all there, seated around a beautiful wood table. New cabinets replaced the splintered wood from just weeks earlier, and beautiful white countertops lined the room. I imagined the lack of light fixtures was intentional. The only light came from an old lamp resting in the corner of the room, other than the drab cloudy skies filtering in through the large window and sliding glass door in the room.

  “What are you guys all doing here?” I asked with heavy emotion in my voice. Olivia and Lexi hugged my Grandma Eve and Logan introduced himself to her.

  “All these people here care about us, Soph,” Lance explained, grabbing my hand. “I know that you are who you are because of them, and that means a great deal to me, the same way I’m close with my brother. Your grandma got to live the love story every girl deserves, and I so badly want to live up to every one of those expectations she’s instilled in you. And you’re friends, Soph, I realize they are the cause of your joy and they are the reason for all of the light that radiates out of you and I want nothing more than to witness that every day. It’s like the way you find your peace while watching the waves roll in – being around you gives me the same sense of calm, and I need that in the worst way.”

  “It looks really beautiful in here, Lance,” I said warmly, taking it all in.

  “No battles are ever won alone,” he continued. “That’s the one thing I’ve learned from you and the people you surround yourself with. So this,” he gestured around the room, “this is our tribe. These are our people who will never stop fighting for us, so I wanted them to be a part of my redemption in being the person who will never stop fighting for you. This is our start-over, Sophia. And if God-forbid I should let you down again, then we just try harder and harder until we get it right. I know love ain’t sunshine, but if my worst day is with you in a storm, I know that’s still better than my best day alone. I’m finally accepting the rain, Soph. The darkness and madness in my head – you’re right, maybe a piece of that will follow me around forever. But it is no match for the light in you. You told me you saw a spark in me, and that someday I was going to ignite and that would be my strength – something you could love about me. Well guess what? You put that spark there, which is why I never noticed it before, but I see it now. If there’s anything about me that shines, Soph, it’s the reflection from you, and I want you to know how grateful I am for that.”

  Lance leaned in and kissed me and I was speechless. The fact that he brought these people here who all cared about us so much – it was thoughtful and sweet and a bigger gesture than I even needed to be convinced that he was so worthy of my feelings for him.

  “There’s supposed to be dancing,” Grandma Eve chimed in. I couldn’t help but giggle. She looked full of joy and it completely warmed me.

  “Right, dancing,” Lance responded, his lips curling up into a smile.

  Logan reached out and turned on a speaker, using his phone to select a song. An old slow tune filled the room and Logan wasted no time in grabbing my grandma’s hand. She looked completely smitten by the gesture.

  “I get the next dance, Eve,” Lance said with a genuine expression. “I just have to show Sophia one more thing.”

  He led me up the narrow stairs to the second story. We made our way to the giant loft area that looked out onto Lake Michigan. There were vases of flowers and white candles everywhere. The floors and walls were all new, but there was nothing else in the room other than soft string lights hanging overhead.

  “Candles and flowers? Doesn’t that mean there’s a 97% chance this is a date?”

  “And dancing,” he added, pushing a button on his phone. “That increases the statistic to a full 100%.” Soft music played and he reached out his hand. He pulled me into him and we swayed together across the wood floor. The skies opened up and the rain fell along the balcony outside. From this spot you could see the beads of water pelting down on the lake and it was beautiful in its own way.

  “This is all amazing, Lance,” I stated as I leaned into his broad chest. “The house – what you’ve done today…You are exactly the person I saw in you the day we met. You’ve never changed to me. You’re here. That’s all that really matters. Sometimes the hardest part is just showing up. The rest we can get through.”

  “I can’t promise you that I’ll ever be any version of normal,” he said quietly. “I still have so far to go. But you said it yourself – every love story has a bit of madness, right? That’s what makes the ending worth it.”

  “Our love story will be every bit worth what we’ve gone through, Lance. I’m certain of it.”

  He leaned down to kiss me and there was so much magic in this room. This house was coming alive, and so was he, right in front of me. It was the most beautiful thing to witness, and I was so enamored by how far he’d come. We swayed to the music, and his arms wrapped tightly around me.

  Moments later, our dance was quickly interrupted by a loud scream downstairs.

  My heart immediately sunk into my chest.

  Chapter 23

  Lance and I raced down the stairs, and everything I feared came true. Grandma Eve was lying against the wall and she looked completely pale. Jodi was dialing 911 and Olivia
and Lexi were completely panicked. I couldn’t move.

  “I think it’s her blood sugar,” Jodi said into the phone. Logan held onto Grandma Eve’s thin arms and Lance gently touched her face.

  “When is the ambulance coming?” Lance questioned frantically.

  “They’re about three minutes out,” Jodi replied promptly with a calm voice. “Her pulse is slow, but present. That’s what matters. She’s going to be okay, she just needs to get to the hospital.”

  The next few minutes were a blur. I held onto my grandma’s hand, unsure what to think or say in that moment. Could she hear me? Was she aware of her surroundings?

  Sirens finally neared and two men in blue uniforms came rushing in through the front door. They quickly tended to her and spoke rapidly back and forth.

  “It’s going to be okay, Sophia,” Lance said calmly, holding onto me. My legs felt weak.

  “I just, I don’t understand, she was so happy, and she looked perfectly fine, and…” I couldn’t stop rambling.

  “Lance, can you drive Sophia to the hospital? I’m going to ride in the ambulance,” Jodi instructed, still maintaining a calm voice. “They have her on oxygen, she’s going to be fine. Meet us at the hospital.”

  Lance wasted no time in getting us loaded up into his truck. I was in the front seat, clutching my own hands, unsure of what to feel at the moment. Logan, Lexi, and Oliva were all in the back seat, trying to say soothing things to me, though I wasn’t really listening.

  Within a few minutes, we pulled into Grand Harbor Memorial and I leapt out of the truck. Olivia was right behind me.

  “She’s going to be okay, Soph. It’s all going to be okay,” she reiterated in a relaxed tone.

  “I can’t lose her, Olivia. I just can’t.”

  “You’re not losing anyone today,” she said calmly, squeezing my hand. “Look at me. You want to talk about battles being won? That woman in there is the strongest, feistiest woman I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. She’s going to get through this.”