Hers for a While

by Danica Chandler

  “I guess I can do anything with you by my side.”

  ***

  Alice lay back on the bed and looked up at the ceiling, wondering when her parents would be back from their errands. The time alone was good, considering everything she was remembering, but she didn’t want to be alone. Rolling on her side, she imagined Jack next to her, staring into her eyes, but when she blinked, she was still by herself in the empty bedroom.

  The day he was diagnosed with the cancer was one of her top five worst days of her life. She still felt like she was partly to blame for letting it get so bad. How could she have missed the signs? The man could put the groceries away, and he got to where he ate a few bites and was done. He also coughed all the time, lost weight, and socially withdrew himself from family get-togethers and nights out. As many people had told her, hindsight is twenty-twenty, but that still didn’t help the guilt subside. She was supposed to do right by him. How could she have not noticed it all?

  She tried not to live off of what-if’s but when it involved the love of her life, she couldn’t help but replay everything over and over again, from the first moment she knew something was terribly wrong, right down to the day he got taken into the hospital.

  “I’ll never forgive myself, Jack. I should’ve been there for you.”

  Chapter Eleven

  After another day and a half in the hospital, Jack was growing restless. Alice wasn’t sure how many more times they could handle being told they were waiting on tests. They wanted to know what stage it was in, but at the same time, ignorance was bliss. The more they didn’t know, the better it seemed, at least in her head. She still hoped maybe it was a shadow on the scan, but with a tumor the size they were claiming his to be, there was no mistaking what it was.

  “My mom came by while you were sleeping.” Jack looked over at the table where a small stuffed bear and a balloon were. “She left that and wanted to let you know she’d be back later if you wanted to go home and wash up.”

  “I’m not leaving.”

  “You don’t have to stay up here, Babe. There’s not much going on anyway.”

  She wiped her nose with a tissue and sat down. “I’m not going to chance missing the doctor. We’ve waited this long. How come your mom doesn’t stay for very long?” Alice tried to hide the anger in her voice, but with how long they had to wait, she couldn’t take it anymore.

  Jack grabbed the bear and studied it before tossing it back on the side table. “She means well. It’s not that she doesn’t care. She just can’t sit still. I’d rather her not be up here all the time. She uhh, she’s scared she’s gonna…” he trailed off and looked away from Alice.

  “She’s gonna what?” Alice knew the answer.

  “That she’s gonna lose me too. We had a good talk this morning. She got pretty emotional. She wanted to know why everyone she loves dies.” He kept his eyes right on Alice and she had never seen so much sorrow in his expression.

  “That’s what she thinks? That you’re gonna die? Do you think that?” Maybe she shouldn’t have asked a question she didn’t want the answer to.

  Jack diverted his attention up to the ceiling. “I think we need to see what Dr. Parsons has to say.”

  “I want to know what’s taking so long. He comes by and drops a bombshell like he did, says he’ll be back in a few hours, and a day and a half has passed with nothing. I’m not sure if that’s bad or good.”

  “Sit down and stop pacing.”

  As if they could hear them, Dr. Parsons came in, a clipboard in his hand. He took note to the monitors and did a quick check of Jack’s vitals, from his pulse, his heart rate, and then listened to his lungs. It was becoming pretty standard, and Jack knew when to sit up, when to take a deep breath, and when to exhale.

  “I apologize for taking so long to get back. We had several emergencies and well, excuses you probably don’t want to hear. I’ll just cut right to the chase. Jack’s cancer is stage four. And by stage four it means that there were cancerous cells present in the left lung, as well as lymph nodes and in his bones.”

  Alice fell back into her chair, hoping this was a nightmare she could wake up from. This wasn’t just a stupid case of pneumonia. Hell, it had to be stage four, full on cancer. Was there such thing as good news?

  Dr. Parsons continued. “Now, before we discuss options, I’m going to be completely honest. Stage four is the last stage before death. We can do chemo if that’s what you choose, but I have to be completely honest with you – that sort of treatment in this stage won’t completely eliminate the cancerous cells in your body. It’s intended to control what’s already happening with an attempt to try and lengthen your life.”

  Jack shifted in the bed. The frightened look he harbored when they were first told them about the tumor wasn’t there. He didn’t seem scared at all. “When you say lengthen my life, how long are we talking?”

  “Without treatment, about two to four months. With chemo, possibly six months. With it in your lymph nodes and liver, it’s filtering throughout your system. Chemo has different side effects, so keep that into consideration.”

  Alice looked at Jack. She wanted him to fight, but knew it was ultimately his decision. How could he look so content, lying there with this bad news? Had he already made his decision?

  “I’ll give you two some time to think about it. Our first step right now is getting rid of the pneumonia, which is looking good right now. Once that clears up, you’ll be able to go home and I’ll follow up with you.”

  Jack let out a deep breath and neither spoke until the doctor left the room. “Chemo is my only option.”

  Alice bit her bottom lip. It was hard to watch him go through this. Why him? Why? He was too young for this. “What are you going to do?”

  “I know what I should do, but I just don’t know. According to him, chemo will only add another two months onto my life. Should I put myself through that torture?”

  When he put it into perspective, Alice understood his reasoning. “I don’t know, Jack. What if he’s wrong about the timeline? What if you defeat the odds and live to see another year?”

  Propping himself up on his elbows, he took a quick drink of water. “And what if I spend the last few months of my life suffering through chemo treatments? I don’t know if that’s how I want to spend the last bit of my life, Alice. Do you understand?”

  Tears flowed and she grabbed a tissue to try and soak them up, but it didn’t even make a dent. “I want you to fight. Doctors don’t know everything. But I also understand why you’re feeling the way you are. I can’t blame you for thinking that way.”

  Reaching up, he wiped his thumb through the moisture on her face. “I don’t know what to do. It isn’t something I can decide in a matter of minutes. I need time. We need time. This is something I want to decide together, with you. Whatever we do affects you too, okay?”

  She leaned into his caress, still unable to fathom the idea that this decision was put in front of them so soon. They were too young. They hadn’t shared an eternity together. They were supposed to be talking about having babies and buying houses, not chemotherapy and cancer. It wasn’t fair. None of it was fair.

  “Okay, Jack. Time is precious, so we can’t drag our feet too long.”

  “I know.” He cupped her cheek and pulled her close to where their faces were inches apart. The green of his irises were bright against his pale skin. “I’m sorry this is happening. This is not what we had planned for our fairy tale. Maybe it’s just a small detour. No matter what, I’ll always love you. You know that, right?”

  She sobbed into his chest, soaking his hospital gown. It was the first time she had completely allowed herself to cry, and his arm around her provided comfort, despite the situation. The rise and fall of his chest, his heartbeat, his smooth skin underneath the thin fabric, and his own personal scent – she took it all in. At that moment he was alive. At that moment he was breathing. She still couldn’t accept the fact that he had cancer. It wasn’t possi
ble.

  “I know you love me, Jack. I love you too. I love you too.”

  ***

  Alice wanted to talk about the options, but Jack had fallen asleep, and though she wanted to make a decision, she wasn’t quite ready to commit to anything. Breaking the news to his mother was hard, but she hit her emotions well in front of Jack.

  Standing up, she took a long glance at the monitors. The only thing she understood was that his oxygen needed to stay in the mid nineties. It was at ninety-six, but she continued to wonder what it’d be without him hooked up to the O2.

  She was glad he was resting and wondered how he was able to calm his mind long enough. She doubted she’d ever sleep well again. The medications they had him on probably helped.

  She jumped when she felt the hand on her arm. Turning, she saw Jack’s mother, her eyes red and swollen, a tissue to her nose, wiping it. “Let’s take a walk. He’s sleeping and stable. I’m not going to take no for an answer.”

  Alice didn’t have the energy to argue. Leaning down, she whispered, “I’ll be right back, Jack. Love you.”

  Turning, they walked down the hallway and to the elevators. “You need to eat, Alice. You have to keep your strength up. Last thing you need to do is faint and end up beside him in a hospital bed.”

  “I don’t think my stomach can handle anything.”

  They rode down to the second floor and Alice followed her to the cafeteria. Even the smell of all of the food was nauseating. Everything around her moved in slow motion. There was a wide array of people – from hospital staff, cafeteria crew, and people of all kinds. Laughing families, sad couples, and people eating alone. Hospitals. The nightmare wouldn’t stop.

  She didn’t even realize it, but Janet had loaded a tray down with some food and took her to a table in the corner, away from the crowd. “Try and eat, Alice.”

  “I don’t want to eat.”

  Janet dipped a fry in some ketchup. “Not eating isn’t going to help Jack.”

  “And it’s not going to help me if my stomach can’t take it.” Alice paused, trying to keep her cool. How was Janet so calm? People handled their grief in different ways, but it was her son. “What’s your secret?”

  Janet sipped on her drink. “Huh?”

  “You’re acting like your son isn’t upstairs with cancer. You realize that stage four is critical, right? The doctor is giving him half a…” she bit her lip to try to keep from crying. “Half a year, with treatment, right?”

  Janet nodded and looked down. “Yes, I realize it. I’m not even sure what to say to you, Alice. I wish I could be more compassionate. I wish that we could sit here and pray and cry our eyes out and that will somehow get rid of the damn cancer, but it won’t happen. Fact. Depriving yourself will not help Jack’s cause.”

  Alice reached for the other drink. The tea was bitter but she didn’t realize how thirsty she was until she took a few gulps. “You were right.” Alice’s voice shook. “You called it the day Jack introduced me to you.”

  Janet arched her eyebrow. “Refresh my memory.”

  “You warned me about getting involved with a firefighter. Said something about carrying on traditions of dying young. I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want to think that it’d happen to Jack and me. And now we’re faced with whether or not he should do chemo to add a few months to his life. He’s too young for this. We haven’t even had kids.” Any attempt to keep from crying failed and the warmth flowed down her cheeks.

  Janet handed her a napkin and flashed the first sympathetic look since all of this had started. “I didn’t… I didn’t mean that this would happen. His dad died young, but at an actual fire. This is definitely a curveball.” She pushed the tray of food aside and wrapped her hands around the base of her cup. “Have you both talked about chemo?”

  “A little. He fell asleep not long after you came in and he told you about it being stage four.”

  “Does he want to do it?”

  Alice shrugged. “I’m not sure. He’s aware of the side effects. I want him to. I believe in miracles. I mean, what if he does them and it works better than the doctor anticipated? What if the doctor’s timeline is all off? I’d just hate to give up without a fight. But…” she leaned back in the booth and watched a young couple flirting.

  “But what?”

  “It’s his decision. I don’t want to be selfish and put him through something that horrible the last few months of his life.”

  Janet shifted her weight. “Tell him all of this. He loves you so much. I have a feeling he’ll do anything for you, Alice.”

  “Now’s my time to do anything for him. I just…” Again, the tears fell, and she buried her head in her hands. Janet reached out, her fingers running over Alice’s.

  “You just what?”

  “I’m not ready for this. How in the hell am I supposed to say goodbye?”

  Janet cocked her head to the side. “You just said you’re not ready to give up. Maybe Jack isn’t either. He’s the most stubborn person I know. If anyone can take this on and overcome, it’s him. You believe me, right?”

  Alice shook her head yes, though she wasn’t sure if she did or not. Jack was stubborn, she knew that, but seeing the strong man from months before as weak and unable to breath in a hospital bed made her have doubts about a lot of things.

  “Dry those eyes up. I want you walking with confidence when we go back in his room. Positivity goes a long way. That’s the best thing you can do for him right now.”

  Chapter Twelve

  “Well, after the past few days in the hospital, I’m sure you’re both up for some good news.” Dr. Parsons entered Jack’s room, shaking Jack’s hand as he sat in a chair beside the bed. “The pneumonia has cleared up in your lungs, which means you can bust out of here soon.”

  Alice let out a deep breath. Some of the tension eased from Jack’s face, and he smiled for the first time in days. “There’s a but coming, isn’t there?” he asked. Just like her, he had learned that when Dr. Parsons came around, it was just pile after pile of bad news.

  “Well, you will get to go home, but we’ll be sending a home health nurse in to check on you and I want you in my office for a follow up in a week. Also, with your lungs in the state they’re in, you’ll have to be on oxygen. When I see you in a week, I’m hoping you’ll have a decision on whether or not you want to do chemo treatments. I understand it’s a big decision, but there’s really not a lot of time to mull it over too long.”

  Jack squeezed Alice’s hand. It had been a weight on their shoulders, and had talked about it, but neither could say yes or no on what they wanted to do. “I won’t ever get to work again…” it came out as a statement, almost as if Jack was just realizing that his firefighting days were over.

  Dr. Parsons patted his foot as he walked by. “They’re processing your discharge paperwork now. I’ve got a social worker setting you up and we’ll have you squared away with everything you need to take with you. Do you have any questions for me?”

  “No.” Jack stared up at the ceiling. “Not much else to do. Not much else to say.”

  Alice’s heart ached. Dr. Parsons made his exit, leaving them alone. “Well, I’m glad you’re finally getting out of here. Maybe a good night’s rest in your own bed will be the best medicine.”

  “Do the guys at the firehouse know about this? It’s been several days and I’ve missed some tours, so I’m sure they do.”

  “Yeah, we called your chief. They came up here a few times right when you were first brought in, but you were asleep. They wanted me to let them know when you go home. They want to see you. They’re worried.”

  “I’m never going to get on the truck again, Alice.”

  She brought his hand up to her mouth and kissed it, gently, making sure she didn’t pull the IV’s out. “You never know, Jack.”

  “I’m dying, Alice.”

  “The doctor doesn’t know everything. People have lived a long time after a diagnosis like this. Why not you?”


  He pulled his hand away, glaring at her. She wondered when he’d finally show some emotion behind all of this. Here it came.

  “You want me to do the chemo, don’t you?”

  “What do you want to do, Jack?”

  He let out a deep breath, looking up at the ceiling again. “If you want me to do the treatment, I will.”

  Before Alice could reply, a nurse came in with his personal belongings and the discharge paperwork. It was bittersweet. Jack was getting out of the hospital, but he still wasn’t out of the woods by any means.

  ***

  It was going to take a lot to get used to seeing Jack hooked up to oxygen. Being at home was nice, but the tension still surrounded them. Even with the guys from the fire department there, it was dreary. Jack seemed to be having a good time with them, and Alice was glad for the friends and support they had. Watching from afar, she kept her distance and gave them time to hang out and talk about past calls and crazy saves Jack had been a part of.

  There was a sorrow in his eyes. When he realized his days on the truck were over, it was like something had died inside of him. Being with his coworkers, or brothers, as he’d correct her, was even more of a wake up call.

  “Hey, how you holding up?” One of the firefighters caught her in the hallway, and she couldn’t remember his name.

  “Doing okay. It’s good having you guys come over. I think Jack is getting sick of my company. Sitting still drives him crazy.”

  “I’m Frankie. I think we’ve met before. I work alongside him in search and rescue. It’s all a shock. When we were told about it, we had a hard time believing it. I’m sure you’ve heard this a thousand times, but if you need anything at all, please call us. We’ll be here for our brother.”