“I’ve thought about it since the moment you told me.”
“And?”
“And I’ve got my doubts, Alice. Do you want a kid growing up without its father? From the start? The kid will never know me. Is that fair to it? And not to mention the financial burden you’d have to face on your own. I don’t want you having to be a single mother. You deserve better.”
He brought up all valid points and she hated it. They were all issues she would have to face. “Those have crossed my mind too, Jack, but still not deterring me from wanting to try this. I’ve got a good career. We won’t be bringing a child into poverty. And I’ll make sure I tell the child everyday about you. They’ll know exactly who their father was. What was one of the first things you told me about yourself? You love traditions. We can’t let it stop here.”
He shifted his weight in the bed and closed his eyes. “I’ve lived a life without my father. It’s tough, Alice. I was devastated when he died.” He gripped the sheet in frustration. Great, the last thing she wanted to do was get him riled up. “But I guess this is different. If… and I mean it when I say if… we were to conceive, this child wouldn’t even have the chance to bond with me like I had with my dad. It’d still be tough life without a father in the picture.”
“Don’t put it that way, Jack. The child will know who you are.” It broke her heart to hear him put it that way, but it was completely different than his situation with his father.
“I know. I have no doubt that you’d tell him about me.” He took a shallow breath. Alice noticed that his breathing was starting to become a chore for him again, but she was in denial. He wasn’t getting worse. There was no way.
“You okay, Jack?”
“Yeah. Was just thinking if I’d even have the stamina to make love to you again. I can’t imagine not being able to be intimate with you these last few months.”
“I can make love to you, Jack. I could do all the work. You can just lay back and enjoy the ride.” Nudging him, she tried to find some humor in it, and was satisfied when the corner of his mouth rose in a small smile. “Seriously. Just think about it. That’s all I ask. We can discuss it more tomorrow once you’ve slept on it.”
“I’m a lucky man, Alice.”
How in the world could he say something like that in the state he was in? She admired his positive attitude and wished it would rub off on her. “Yeah?”
“Yep. Whatever I did to deserve you is beyond me. Not sure what I’d do without you.” He pulled the covers around himself and buried his head in the pillow, dozing.
Not sure what I’d do without you. The words stung. She wasn’t sure what she’d do without him either, and sadly, she feared that she would find out sooner than later.
“Alice?”
She jolted awake, feeling Jack’s hand on the small of her back. Propping up on her elbow, she grabbed her phone, seeing that it was a little after two AM.
“Everything okay?”
“Yeah. I can’t sleep.” His hand massaged her skin, resting at the waistband of her pajama pants. “Sorry to wake you up.”
“It’s okay.” She leaned in, resting her head in the crook of his neck. “What’s keeping you awake?”
“I’ve been thinking nonstop about having a little one. If that’s what you want, let’s do it. It’s what we had planned for our future. There’s no reason to let this detour get in the way of our dreams.”
Sitting up, she looked him in the eye. “You’re serious?”
“Yes. Let’s make a baby.”
She pulled him in for a tight hug, never wanting to let him go. She shivered when his hands skirted under her shirt, brushing up her side, his thumbs brushing over her nipples. Resting her head on his forehead, her breath caught in her throat as he kneaded her breasts. His lips pressed into hers and it was the first deep kiss they had shared in a long time.
Pulling away, he smiled, cupping the back of her head with his hand as the other one remained under her shirt. “Might as well take advantage while I have the energy.” He motioned his head down. “Move the sheet.”
She did and immediately noticed the bulge against his underwear. Her face heated up. Why in the hell was she blushing? “My oh my, someone wants to come out and play.”
“No telling how often that’ll happen anymore. What do you say?” His thick eyebrows danced and his flirtatious demeanor was almost too much for Alice.
“Like I said earlier, you just lie back and enjoy.”
She pulled her shirt off, along with her pants and straddled him, feeling the friction against her bare skin. Pulling on his boxers, she guided them down his thighs, taking his erection in her hand, gently running her hand up and down. Jack closed his eyes and bit his bottom lip, a soft moan vibrating in his chest.
She tried not to let herself get sad. This was a happy moment she was sharing with her husband. It was a memory in the making, and the fact that he was willing to do yet another thing for her, despite his illness, made her love him even more than she ever thought were possible.
She allowed him to slide inside, taking every inch, until her hips pressed into his. Pacing herself, she tried hard not to go too fast in fear of taking the breath from him. It was intimate, slow, and sensual. Watching him was amazing; from the satisfied look on his face down to the beautiful moment they were experiencing together, Alice wished it would never end.
Jack moved his hands up her stomach and to her chest, resting his hands on her breasts, gently massaging each one as she continued to move up and down.
“You okay?” Alice asked, whispering in his ear.
“Never been better,” he muttered as he finished deep inside her.
Alice rolled off of him and lay beside him, wrapped in his arms. The happy moment quickly dissipated when she allowed her imagination to take over. What if this was the last time she ever made love to Jack? If so, at least it was beautiful. There was no other word to describe it.
He buried his face in her neck, nipping at her collarbone. “I’ll love you forever, Alice.”
“I’ll love you forever, Jack.”
Chapter Fourteen
Days passed quickly, and Alice tried hard to hold onto every second she could with Jack. With various doctor’s appointments, friends stopping by, and family near, it felt like things were going too fast. She saw Jack’s health fading, but didn’t want to admit it. Every time they had to adjust the oxygen level higher, it felt like the ticking time bomb was getting closer to going off, and Jack would be ripped from her life forever.
Any time they could make love, they did. She didn’t want to push him too far, but when his spurts of energy came, she couldn’t let the moment pass – not just because she wanted so badly to conceive, but because it was intimate moments with Jack that she wanted to cherish.
She let out a deep breath as she stared at another couple in the waiting room at Dr. Parson’s office. They were young as well, and she wondered what they were going through, only it was the woman who was sick. Alice felt like she was more aware of the number of young people falling ill after Jack’s diagnosis. She was living what the other couple was going through, yet it pained her to think about someone else enduring everything they had in the past month.
“Jack Turner.” A nurse called them back, and every time they walked through the same doors to the familiar exam rooms, Alice felt like she needed to puke.
Same routine – they took his weight, his blood pressure, and put a pulse-ox on his finger. The nurse jotted the vitals down, her brow creasing. “You’re down six pounds since your last visit.”
Jack nodded, but didn’t say anything. The worry on his face spoke volumes. Alice had noticed the weight loss too. He had got to where he only wanted salty soup, crackers, and Sprite. Anything else he couldn’t stomach and didn’t touch.
“How’s my O2?” He asked, disregarding her observation about how much he weighed.
“Eighty-seven. Blood pressure is 105 over sixty.”
Jack nodded an
d looked at the floor. “We’ve had to turn up my oxygen so much in the past week.”
The nurse patted his knee. “We’ll talk with Dr. Parsons, okay?”
Alice gripped her purse in her lap. She was literally watching her husband die. The cancer was ripping the life out of him, hindering what every healthy person took for granted – breathing. Standing up, she stood beside the exam table, wrapping her arm around his shoulders as they waited on the doctor. They were used to the wait now – they always made it on time to their appointments, but it was rare that they were seen around the time they were scheduled.
“I’m sorry,” Jack whispered.
“Sorry for what, Babe?”
“I’m just getting worse. I’m trying so hard to beat it. I’m trying so hard for you, Alice.” Despite the fact that he was hooked up to the oxygen, he had to take deep breaths and pause between words. The simple task of talking was hard, and Alice figured they’d never be able to make love again.
“You’re a fighter, and I’ve seen it. Don’t apologize, Jack. I’m so proud of you.” She ran her fingers through his soft hair, enjoying how it stuck out with a personality of its own. It was something she always loved about him, and was thankful it the four treatments of chemo weren’t enough to take his hair as well.
Dr. Parsons came in, setting the clipboard aside. His smile was forced, but Alice smiled back, though it was painful to return the gesture.
“How we feeling today, Jack?” Sitting on the stool at the computer, he didn’t even mess with typing away at the keyboard.
“Like a million bucks, Doc.” Jack laughed, and it exposed the loud wheezing. Unable to control his coughing, he bent over, finally gaining his composure when Dr. Parsons hooked him up to a breathing treatment.
“I want to run some blood work. Looking over your vitals and comparing them to last week, I’m a bit worried. You’re down another six pounds. You’re oxygen setting is almost at the maximum to be safe, and your O2 is still unable to get up over ninety percent.”
“Damn Doc, thanks for sugarcoating it.” Jack spoke from under the mask, muffled, but understandable.
“What will the blood work show that we don’t already know?” Alice asked. She was tired of putting Jack through pain. How much more blood could they take? How many more tests were there to run?
“I just want to see what his other levels are. See how much the cancer has spread. We can get a more accurate reading of his blood gasses through an artery than with a pulse-oximeter.”
Alice looked at Jack, not wanting to say what was on her mind in front of him. He was dozing on the exam table, and the fact that he was able to rest in such a busy environment worried her too. Looking up at the doctor, she edged toward the door, motioning for him to follow her. Out in the hallway, she paced a few steps before she could bring herself to say it.
“Let’s be realistic, Dr. Parsons. Jack is dying. Why do we need to run any more tests?” She was shocked at how strong she was, being able to say what she just had without getting overly emotional.
“You don’t want to see what else is going on?”
“No. Why? We already know. I’ve been with him everyday. You can visibly see him losing weight as we speak. All he wants is soup, and he barely eats it. Friends come over to see him, but he’s socially withdrawn. I’ve done plenty of reading since Jack got sick. I’m not stupid. It’s his death march. He’s started the phases of dying.”
Dr. Parsons, for the first time since coming to him, looked sad. He looked at the floor, ducking his head. “I thought Jack would be different.”
“Me too. I just knew he’d defeat the odds and come out on top. But here we are. I’ve had nightmares about this, and now it’s a reality. I think…” Alice paused, this time, finding it hard to say what was on her mind. Biting her lip, she pushed back the tears. She could not believe what she was about to say. “I think you should let him go home and live the rest of his days at his house.”
“What do you think Jack wants?” Dr. Parsons asked.
“I think he’ll agree.”
Going back in the exam room, Jack was sitting up again, the breathing treatment done. “Everything okay?”
“Jack, I’m going to ask you probably one of the hardest questions you’ll ever have to answer.” Dr. Parsons took a deep breath, glancing at Alice, who nodded, giving him the go ahead to ask. “Do you want to run more tests? Or do you want to be put on hospice?”
Jack’s eyes widened at the question, but there was no other inclination that he feared his options – neither being very appealing. “Hospice,” he repeated, not stating it was what he wanted, but just letting the word out.
“Comfort measures. A nurse will come by and administer any drugs you need.”
Jack nodded. “I know what hospice is. It’s just a little frightening when it’s being thrown at you.” He looked over at Alice, reaching his hand out to her. “What do you think, Alice?”
She felt like she was put on the spot, though she knew exactly what she wanted. “I’m with you on whatever you decide, Jack. This is your decision.”
“Do you think there’s any chance that I could still go into remission?” Jack asked Dr. Parsons.
“With your decline and your harsh response to chemo, I think hospice is probably the better choice, Jack. With you being young, I’d love to say that we should press on, fight this, and see, but like I said – in the past week you’ve really regressed. I think you should enjoy your time. Go home and be with your wife.”
Jack closed his eyes, almost like the doctor’s words hurt. He let out a nervous laugh, followed by a few tears. “Set me up with that nurse. I refuse to call it hospice though.”
“I’ll speak to our social worker and get it all squared away.” Dr. Parsons shook his hand. “I’m sorry there’s not more that we can do. I think this is the best choice.”
Jack held his hand up. “No need to apologize, Doc. It is what it is.”
It is what it is. Alice was learning to hate that term. Why did it have to be the way it was? Even though letting him go home was her idea, she still wished there was more they could do. Running tests and taking blood seemed like the definition of insanity. Now they had to accept the fact that Jack’s days truly were numbered. At least he could be at home. At least she could be with him. It was small, but she would take what she could get.
***
“Alice, honey, you look exhausted.” Her mom had stopped by for a visit, and while Alice enjoyed her company and help, she wasn’t in the mood to have anyone over. Jack had been in bed most of the day, sleeping on and off, and she was mentally checked out.
“Thanks for kindly saying I look like crap.”
Her mom reached out and brushed some hair behind Alice’s ear. “Your father and I were shocked when we heard about the decision to go on hospice.”
“It’s what’s best.” Alice said it to convince herself. “Doctors want to hike up the bill. Why not? They’re already making a bundle off of us and off of Jack’s insurance with the department. They don’t care that he’s dying and there’s nothing else to do. They just want the money with no regard to the well being of the patient. Did I ever tell you that his policy almost didn’t cover this?” She wasn’t sure where the anger was coming from, but it poured out without even trying.
“No, how could they do that?”
“Well, thankfully they didn’t, but they tried to claim that it was part of the job. Firefighters get sick. It comes with the territory. I don’t know.”
“You need some rest, Alice. When was the last time you got a decent night’s sleep?”
“I don’t know,” Alice replied. “I don’t want to sleep. Sleeping means missing every second with Jack. I don’t want to miss anything.”
“You can’t make yourself sick along with him. Take care of yourself, hon. Jack knows you’re there for him.”
“Remember how I told you that I wanted to try and have a baby with Jack?”
Her mom nodded.
/>
“We’ve been trying. Now, of course, he’s too weak, but we tried.”
“That’s great, Alice. Any chance you might be?”
Alice wiped her nose with a tissue. “I don’t know. I’m scared I tried too hard and it didn’t work. I haven’t told Jack yet, but I’m a couple days late. I don’t want to get my hopes up though. Stress disturbs a woman’s cycle. It’s probably just that.”
“Have you taken a pregnancy test?”
“No. I’m too scared to. If it comes back negative it’ll just be something else to upset me.”
Her mom cocked her head to the side. “And what if it comes back that you are? It could be the morale boost that both you and Jack need.”
“I’m just… I’m so scared.” Again with the damn tears. She was so tired of crying.
“Do a test. If you’re not, then nothing has changed. If you are… well, then you got what you were wanting. Time is precious. You can’t afford to drag your feet with this.”
After her mom left, Alice checked on Jack. He was sound asleep, breathing comfortably, and she didn’t want to bother him. Walking to the bathroom, she dug through the medicine cabinet. She had bought a pregnancy test a few months before and tucked it behind several things so Jack wouldn’t see it. Finding it toward the back, she pulled out the instructions and made sure it hadn’t expired.
Despite her hesitation, her mother was right. She had to do it, even if it meant confirming that she wasn’t pregnant. There was no telling how much time they had and Jack deserved to know just as much as she did.
Sitting on the toilet, she followed the directions. Placing the applicator on the counter, she waited. With everything that had happened, she had developed great patience, but in this situation, even the minutes felt like hours. Whatever result came back, it’d be life changing.
Chapter Fifteen
“Jack, are you hungry?” Alice slowly walked in their bedroom, glad to see that he was awake. Sitting on the edge of the bed, she ran her hand down his arm. He felt cool to the touch, but appeared well rested.
Hers for a While Page 11
