by Parker, Des
“Has it?” Scott asked with surprise.
“Has it?” Dick asked Caroline.
“No – what! How the hell would I know? And what sort of fuck-ass question is that to ask?” Caroline replied, the question coming from left field to offend her and lower Dick even more in her expectations.
“It’s just that, when this is all over, I have a career to resume and, you know, got to keep an eye on my tools,” Dick replied.
“Tool,” Simon whispered under his breath.
“What career?” Caroline snapped. “When this is over. This is never going to end. This is the future you dork.”
Simon knew this was going to end badly and he wanted to leave the table, but then he noticed the surface of the orange juice in front of him start to quiver. He wanted to say something, he knew this reminded him of a scene in a movie somewhere, and he was certain it was a scene where something bad was approaching.
“Hey guys,” Simon tried to interrupt but Caroline kept going, right over the top of him.
“You think the world still needs pornstars. You think the human race can be rebuilt by shallow morons who have only one useless skill and don’t understand the meaning of commitment.”
“Guys,” Simon interrupted, his orange juice starting to quiver more violently.
“Shut up Simon,” Caroline spat.
“But -.” Simon went to continue but Caroline’s eyes nearly bore a hole in the back of his head.
Mr Percival looked up and quacked just once, his duck eyes narrowing.
“Will you look at that,” Scott said, his gaze on Simon’s quivering drink.
Yonny returned with the tea things and sat down. “Does anyone feel the Earth shaking?”
“Oh no.” Simon whispered, looking around, trying to see through the walls to the valley outside.
Even Caroline’s mouth opened, soundlessly, as the anger in her eyes was replaced by a growing fear.
There was a distant, rhythmic rumbling. They could all hear it now. It was outside, getting closer.
“I don’t like the sound of that,” Dick whispered.
On the sides of the low hills leading into the valley they came.
Swarms of them, swallowing up the road and filling up every bit of open ground.
The footsteps of hundreds and hundreds of zombies creating a low rumble, like an approaching storm. They stopped as one and gazed down at the troop carrier, now standing alone outside a tiny cave entrance.
At the head of this moving mass of the undead, a zombie leader in a cloak stood proudly in the back of an open top jeep.
Nick looked around at his minions and then back at the cave. “I suppose I should knock,” he added nonchalantly as he shouldered the rocket launcher.
There was a roar as the missile streaked down the valley and an almighty blast as the troop carrier exploded in a ball of flame, broken, twisted pieces of metal and rubber raining down on the ground.
The Lord of the Zombies smiled cruelly and his army moved slowly down into the valley.
“There’ll be no escape for you this time, your highness,” Nick added, recalling a movie he and Simon used to watch together; one he would watch again very soon, with a jumbo bucket of Simon’s brains as a snack.
The sound and vibration from the explosion was felt deep inside the underground base, knocking Simon off his chair. “What the hell was that?”
“We’ve got visitors,” Yonny said enthusiastically as he jumped to his feet. “Cool.”
“Better open the front door.” Scott added.
“What!” the shock in Caroline’s voice was felt around the table. “Are you kidding – you know what’s out there? It’s an army of zombies.”
“Exactly.” Scott replied. “And we’ve prepared a little welcome for them.”
“What sort of welcome,” Dick added, porridge dribbling from his mouth.
Scott and Yonny exchanged a smile before Scott continued, a look of childlike excitement on his face. “Do you remember all those plates along the walls and the ceiling in the corridor outside and all around the place in here?”
“Yes, we do.” Simon said as he climbed up from under the table, his eyes taking in the strange metal plates lining the walls everywhere which he had never noticed until now.
“They’re not just for decoration.” Scott replied, a wicked tilt to his brow. “They’re tracks for the most dangerous zombie-killing creature on Earth.” He raised his arms in a flourish and whistled.
There was a sound like small footsteps on metal, and one of the most dangerous creatures on Earth, trotted around a corner, walking sideways along a wall. It was about the size of a large dog and seemed completely at ease as it completely ignored gravity.
“Oh that’s clever.” Dick said, a grin of appreciation on his face.
“How does it stay on the wall?” Caroline asked as she walked over to it and was completely ignored.
“That’s the clever bit,” Scott said, crossing in arms in front of him and grinning. “We rigged up an electromagnetic railing system. The metal anklets allow the girls to walk along the walls and the ceiling.”
Simon eyed the creature, it eyed him back and the blank cold stare of its beady little eyes made him shiver. “How is that going to deal with the zombies?”
Yonny ran over to him, quivering with boyish excitement, “They’ll never be expecting it. Don’t you think it’s brilliant? Oh we have outdone ourselves this time, I tell you. This will buy us the time we need to move to the next phase.”
Simon felt uncertain under the creature’s stare. He only half-heard Yonny’s last words, but the little scientist put a slightly creepy arm on Simon’s shoulder and this made him squirm. “What next phase?”
“Oh you’re just gonna love it.” Yonny replied.
“Trust us, we know what we’re doing.” Scott added.
This made Simon even more uncomfortable. He was starting to think he might have been better off outside, fighting zombies after breakfast.
He didn’t realise the zombies weren’t going to wait that long.
Chapter 30
Helm’s Deep
Helm’s Deep is a mythic fortress from a famous book. A fortress nestled in a valley from which there was no escape.
In this case, the metaphor was ill served. There was an escape route from the valley; it’s just that two thousand zombies, a handful of vampires, and some werewolves stood between the escapees and their escape route.
And it was dinner time for the zombies, no one had fed the dogs, and the bats would be awake soon because low clouds had blocked out the sun, so sunburn was not going to be an issue for them.
And finally, ten zombie shock-troopers, men who had been special-forces soldiers in a previous life, were running down the last few metres to the cave entrance. They were large, they were hungry, they were armed and they were - expendable. Nick just didn’t mention the last bit to them as he sent them on their mission.
They had one mission and that mission was to overwhelm the defences to allow the army to enter the no-longer secret base.
The only problem was, they had no idea what the defences were, and why there were metal railings on the walls and ceiling of the corridor they had just blasted their way into.
They were about to find out.
Klaxons echoed through the air and the corridor filled with smoke from the ceiling vents as the shock-troopers ran forward. The lights flickered and changed into a kaleidoscope of rotating colours and visibility was reduced to only a few inches, but this didn’t matter. They were zombies and they were not afraid of anything.
The zombie leading the pack was a big man, his size approximating that of a pro-wrestler. He smiled and opened his drooling mouth wide to roar, his gaze fixed ahead, through the flickering lights and the smoke haze.
Shadows danced ahead but nothing would slow him down. He passed a side corridor and kept moving forward, the metal door at the end of the corridor was only seconds away.
He
heard a sound, like a door opening and closing, a patter of feet that sounded too small to be a danger, and suddenly, a shape filled his vision.
Two demonic beady eyes and an upside down skull, hard as granite, smashed into his face and he exploded.
His body kept moving forward but his head catapulted backwards decking one of the following soldiers.
The troopers could hear the sound of something running on metal, but before they could lock in on a target, they were hit from all sides.
Darting white shapes, demonic black eyes, overwhelmed them from everywhere.
The troopers aimed their guns but the shapes were all around them, moving faster than a blur, appearing in their peripheral vision, on the side walls one second, and on the ceiling a moment later.
In a panic now, they fired wildly into the darkness, hitting nothing, multiple muzzle flashes reflecting off the smoke as zombie screams bounced off the walls.
It was a slaughter.
Zombies were not just being thrown aside, they were being torn apart.
Whatever it was slamming into them carried the force of an atom bomb.
The zombies fell quickly, overpowered by the darting shapes.
It was over in a few seconds. The entire strike team was eliminated, the last heads lolling slowly on the floor as the fast-moving pitter-patter of hooves on metal faded into the smoke haze.
Then there was only silence and that creepy, gargling sound of dead things dying a second time around.
On the top of the hillside, outside the cave, Nick listened to the commotion on a small handheld communications device that was paired with one worn by a zombie shock-trooper.
He cringed as he heard the indiscriminate weapons fire of confused and frightened zombie soldiers, the panicked screaming of different raspy voices.
“Araguhhh!”
“Urghh!”
“Awrughhhuggah.”
“Squelch.”
The last sound was followed by a thump, and then, the finality of silence.
Nick guessed what had happened – not quite a correct guess because he didn’t have all the facts, but he knew enough to surmise that his crack team had been cracked and was probably lying in a messy pile somewhere.
“Oh well,” He whispered without a hint of regret. “It’s time to send in the dogs.”
Chapter 31
Wolf’s Bane
They ran like the wind, or to be more correct, they ran with the wind whistling through their wolfen fur. Barrelling down towards the cave, drinking in the freedom of speed. The power of their muscles driving them forward, the common desire to feast on the fallen. They could smell death and death drove them onward. It was intoxicating.
They were a pack, determined, and free to wreak havoc on whatever they found.
They ran into the darkness of the cave, ignoring the bat guava, which was really hard for their dog sense of smell, but the idea of rolling around in bat shit and then rubbing up against anyone who didn’t smell that way, was overridden by their hunger.
They ran into the metal corridor and slipped on the zombie bodies lining the floor.
They stopped mid-stride.
A man in a white coat was standing quietly at the end of the corridor, adjusting some big lights that were fastened roughly to the wall surrounding the big metal door.
The man looked up at them and reacted in entirely the wrong way.
He smiled and said, “cool.”
Rex returned to human form. Something didn’t smell right. If he’d had any sense, he would have stayed in his wolfen form, where his sense of smell was better, but there was a human part of him that needed to figure out this puzzle before the wolf part of him had dinner.
Around him, his pack followed his lead and returned to human form. All of them were almost naked, except for the remnants of the jeans they had been wearing the last time they were human. There was just enough material left to cover their private parts, just like in all those scary monster movies where it was fine to show throats being torn out but not acceptable to show a penis.
Now the man at the end of the corridor changed his tune. The smile faded and he started to back towards the open door.
Rex sensed the man’s fear and this emboldened him. He moved forward with certainty, a smile forming on his face.
His pack followed him and they sidled up to the man who hastily checked the last wires on a light and seemed to relax.
Rex should have sensed the change in the man, but he was now only two feet away and his overconfidence smothered his instincts. He looked at his pack, fanning out around him, leaning nonchalantly on the walls and grinning.
He turned his gaze back to the man. He noticed the man was wearing a mohair cardigan under his lab coat, but as Rex was now in human form, he knew he had nothing to fear. Clearly an old dog could learn new tricks, at least until someone changes the rules.
“Hello, I’m Rex.”
Scott looked Rex up and down and tried to stay calm, he knew what needed to happen here so he just had to play it by ear. “Hello Rex, I’m Scott.”
Rex ran his tongue over his lips and grinned slightly, he knew he had the advantage, “I am a werewolf.”
Scott was a little un-nerved by the werewolf’s proximity, but he had spent all night changing the rules of engagement, so he tried very hard to moderate his voice while he quietly played his fingers over a small, portable control box in his right hand, which he kept slightly behind him and out of view. “Yes – I know. Um – you do know my friends and I are wearing mohair?”
Rex was very relaxed, almost friendly – the semblance of the man he was before he developed an overwhelming desire to tear out people’s throats. “Yes – I see that.”
Scott swallowed. Confrontation was not his style, not even friendly ones. He had been beaten up at school by far too many overly friendly bullies so he knew the signs and he could see those signs in Rex right now.
Rex moved closer and put his hand on Scott’s shoulder in an overly friendly way that signalled, in a moment I’m going to beat you senseless.
Scott tensed.
Rex smiled wide, his dirty, blood-soaked molars clearly visible, his breath stinking of dog’s buttocks.
“See, there’s the rub, Scott. We are in human form and in human form, mohair has no effect on us.”
Rex looked back at his pack, who were all grinning, then put his arm right around Scott’s shoulder and moved in far too close.
“So what we are going to do Scott - is beat you senseless, because, let’s face it, you are a dweeby, nerdy, little geek in your white lab coat and your mohair cardigan. And then, once you are senseless on the floor, we are going to rip off your mohair cardigan, transform into our wolf forms and eat you alive – because we are hungry and you are a dweeby, nerdy, little geek.”
Scott considered this for a moment. “I see. There’s no chance of you transforming first, so I can drive you away with my mohair enhanced super powers?”
“No.”
Scott straightened up, “Oh – right, well I’ll just flick this switch then.”
“What switch.”
“This one in my hand.” He brought the small hand controller into view.
Rex looked at the tiny switch and was puzzled. The rules had changed and he hadn’t caught up yet. “And how is that little bitty switch going to help you?”
Scott nodded and smiled just a little, “It’s a light switch.”
“Oh,” Rex grinned and cast his eyes over his pack and grinned wider, “is that so we can see properly when we beat you senseless?”
The pack started laughing and Rex felt like a stand-up comedian having a good night. “Or is it like some mood-lighting for our dinner?” Rex guffawed and let go of Scott’s shoulder, moving back in front of his pack, the laughter still rippling around him.
Scott joined in the laughter, “No, I was just thinking about captured and polarised light frequencies.”
Rex stammered as his laugh caught in his th
roat, “Sorry?”
“See, when we found out that werewolves were coming, I did a little experiment last night. You remember last night? It was full moon around here. Lovely views, plenty of light to work with.”
Rex still hadn’t caught on. “What, so you prepared some special marinade to help wash away that dweeby nerdiness taste when you get eaten?”
“No. Actually we captured some moonlight.”
Rex slowly caught up and his voice dropped, “You what?”
“And we stored it in a wave guide imaging chamber to keep it fresh so we could do this.”
Scott flicked the switch and the bank of lights gave off an eerie glow just like the captured light of a full moon – which incidentally it was.
“Oh Hell.” Rex whispered as he and the pack involuntarily turned back into wolves.
Scott stepped to the side, pushing open the door behind him as his did, “By the way - have you met our pets?”
The sound of rapidly approaching feet filled the corridor and the most dangerous creatures on Earth swarmed through the open doorway, slamming into the werewolves.
Rex’s right-hand man, the hulking werewolf called Milo, didn’t even get a chance to growl as one of the creatures smashed into him and tore him in half.
Rex leaped backwards over the heads of his pack and sprinted for the outside world as his pack exploded behind him. He almost made it to the cave exit before he was hit from behind and catapulted fifty feet through the air; landing on the first rank of the zombie army waiting outside.
Not waiting around for a second glance, Rex scrambled to his feet and ran off into the distance, his tail between his legs.
On the hill overlooking the cave, Nick was licking his lips and contemplating his coming meal when he looked up to see one werewolf, followed by bits of the other werewolves catapulting out of the cave mouth.
Nick’s expression froze as he finally saw what had decimated his special forces and the entire wolf pack.
The cave really was protected by the most dangerous creatures on Earth, the one thing supernatural creatures had no defence against.
