by Parker, Des
A single goat stood at the entrance to the cave, its granite hardened skull still streaked with dried zombie blood, its thin mouth fresh with the remnants of a werewolf’s intestines.
It stood there silently, staring down the entire zombie army and vanished back into the darkness, daring them to follow.
“They have a goat.” Nick whispered, his blood freezing.
He took a gun from a nearby zombie and shot it. “Why didn’t somebody tell me they had one of those?”
Chapter 32
The Reckoning
His options were diminishing and Nick was worried. His special-forces unit had been decimated; what was left of the werewolves had run off, and all he had left was two thousand zombies and six vampires against a goat. And where there was one goat, there were probably more.
As a military general, Nick had marshalled his forces, trained them exceptionally quickly, although there wasn’t much to train. He said he would lead them to food and they followed him. It was all very simple.
But the food was putting up a fight. He yearned for the days when you could down a burger and the burger would not try to strangle you as you shovelled it into your mouth.
He liked Simon and he knew that the goodness in Simon would taste really good and bring something back into his life that he had forgotten. We are what we eat, and Nick knew that Simon would give him back some of his humanity, even if it were only in a sandwich, with a bit of sauce on top.
The hunger was gnawing at him, consuming him. He needed to feed but how to get past the goats. If only he could come up with a plan.
A plan was staring him in the face but he was too hungry to listen.
Bob sidled up beside him. Nick didn’t hear him because vampires are almost silent and can get easily slip past the staunchest defender.
“Vee need to draw them out,” Bob whispered, his Eastern European accent now almost perfected.
Nick ignored him. He would not be drawn from his thoughts by a flying rat. He needed to concentrate, find a way to get past the goats. If only the goats weren’t there, he was sure the overwhelming numbers of his army would lay waste to the defences.
A thought kicked him in the back of the head, it had been there all along, finally it grabbed him by the nuts and squeezed.
“We need to draw them out,” Nick whispered triumphantly.
“I just said that.” Bob replied, trying very hard not to lose his temper.
There were twenty goats in the cave. Goats ate anything and even half-eaten zombies were fair game and goats have good memories. After all, if you eat crap all day and you find something really tasty amongst the crap, you want to remember where it was, and you get pretty pissed off when something fucks up your lunch.
This explained why the goats hated zombies. When the change first happened, the goats completely ignored it. They were quietly chowing down on some lovely, fresh shoots outside the cave, until a number of zombie scientists came running out into the daylight.
Naturally the zombies attacked the goats, thinking they had found a source of fresh meat. Naturally, this went very badly for the zombies, and then the goats got angry, and things got even worse for the zombies.
Since then, the goats have taken poorly to anything that annoys them. Scott and Yonny had been feeding them, so they were on good terms, and the new visitors had almost completely ignored them, which suited the goats just fine.
This was why they had taken it upon themselves to protect their cave and the magnetised anklets that Scott had fitted to them while he fed them, allowing them to run along the magnetically-charged walls and the ceiling of the base and this was pretty damn cool even for a creature that could climb a sheer vertical cliff. It was quite exhilarating for a goat to be running upside down, along a ceiling, while taking off a zombie’s head.
Yes, the goats liked their new home and no army of undead mutants was going to take this away from them.
Everything was going swimmingly and the goats were now relaxing after a busy morning. Three of them were asleep and the rest were just sitting in the dark, resting, occasionally licking a discarded arm, or pushing a head around with their snouts.
There was a flapping in the darkness and a set of high-pitched squeals.
Something flew very close over a goat’s head and squealed loudly in its ear as it passed.
The goat got angry and lashed out, but missed whatever it was.
The things passed over again and the squealing continued. The goats did not have particularly good night vision inside the cave and could only make out tiny shadows that flitted overhead and were instantly swallowed by the darkness.
Restlessness spread through most of the herd and they got to their feet, their jaws angrily snapping at the fast moving shapes. Soon they started moving towards the dull light outside, trying to see what was annoying them.
Finally they could see the small bats, swooping around near the entrance, and it was on.
The herd stampeded into the cloudy dull daylight, chasing the bats. Instantly they saw the zombie army and their anger boiled over. They poured from the cave mouth and swept into the army.
Zombies panicked as the angry goats tore into them, but this was exactly the plan.
The diversion worked and even as the goats were shredding half his army, Nick screamed an order at the top of his lungs.
“Charge!”
One thousand zombies ran towards the cave. The goats could not stop them all and were far too busy shredding the ones they could. Nick was sacrificing half his force to overwhelm the defences, and this was all that mattered to him.
Caught up in the charge, Albert and Hettie tried to remain inconspicuous, staying halfway back in the enormous army, but they found themselves suddenly in the front line as the ranks thinned out before them and before they could escape to the side, they were driven towards the tiny cave entrance by a phalanx of heaving, drooling bodies behind them.
High above, Bob and his vampires wheeled overhead. The cloudy overcast conditions protected them from the sun and they were free to sweep and dive through the air to their heart’s content.
They were ready to dive on the cave mouth as soon as the goats were clear.
Chapter 33
Armageddon
The valley of Armageddon is a famous site in religious mythology. It is said to be the site of the final battle between good and evil, which means it’s going to be awfully messy and, if there were ringside seats, they would be seeing something akin to what was happening now, but without popcorn and hot dogs.
The thunder of a thousand feet running, the screams of the dying already dead, the broken bodies of zombies splaying into the air as angry goats carved a pathway through the masses and the unwavering certainty that a thousand zombies will not fit easily through the entrance of a tiny cave, probably explained the rocket launcher.
Nick was riding in his open top jeep. He fired once and tore a huge gash in the cave mouth allowing his forces to drive their way inside.
The roar of the explosion was deafening and rudely awakened something still sleeping inside the cave, which promptly ran off down a side corridor, as the heaving mass fell over itself to gain entrance.
Scott was standing at the metal door adjusting his moon lamps when he saw the wall of zombies rushing towards him. “Oh fuck,” he whispered as he scampered back through the metal door, just managing to close it behind him as a score of zombies smashed against it.
The heavy metal door was solid steel and very little could get through it. It was designed to hold back an army but had never been tested, until now.
Scott checked the lock to make sure nothing nasty could get in and the door began to shudder and resonate with a heavy thudding sound as scores of zombies repeatedly threw themselves against it.
Simon, Nick, and Caroline ran back into the main lab, alerted by the unmistakeable sound of something large and unpleasant outside, trying very hard to get inside.
“What’s going on?” Simon y
elled over the continuous dull thuds.
“Zombies,” Scott replied.
“So?” Caroline asked in a level tone, with very little alarm in her voice.
The steel door shuddered loudly as if answering her.
Scott jumped back in alarm. “If that sound is anything to go by, there appear to be an awful lot of them and they got past the goats.”
“So, what is the problem? They can’t hurt us, so why get so worked up?”
“It’s not us I’m worried about. It’s our gear.”
Simon looked around the lab, it didn’t seem like there was anything valuable here. “It’s just a bunch of desks and some computers. Easy to replace once this is over.”
Scott was starting to get frantic, “But that’s just it. We don’t think it will ever be over, unless we can stop it.”
Dick looked over the computers and put a conciliatory arm around Scott’s shoulder. “So, you don’t get to surf porn and wank for a while. It’s no big deal.”
“It is a big deal. We think we can stop it, but only if our gear remains intact.”
Caroline realised what Scott was implying; she walked over and eyeballed him, “So, wait a minute – you think you’ve figured out a way to destroy all the zombies?”
Scott tilted his head apologetically, “Well, not exactly kill them – just sort of turn them back.”
Simon interrupted, “Turn them back to what?”
“Humans,” said Yonny with a dull and decidedly serious tone as he entered the room. “But we need time and I don’t think we are going to get it.”
“We can give it to you,” Dick said, a smile flashing, as he walked back to the centre of the room, fingered his gun.
Yonny looked at him, a shadow of alarm crossing his face, “I’m not sure I want you to give it to me.”
“He has that effect on most people, it’s just a little creepier when he says it to guys,” Simon added.
Yonny shook his head, “No you don’t understand. I don’t know how long that door will hold out.” He crossed to a computer monitor and tapped away at the keys on a nearby keyboard.
A picture of the corridor beyond the door materialized on the monitor. The corridor was filled to overflowing with zombies all desperately trying to breach the door.
Dick scoffed, “Well that’s not too many; I could take most of them with one hand.”
Yonny tilted his head for a moment, “What do you do with the other hand?”
Dick smiled, “Do you really want to know?”
Simon walked over to the monitor, shaking his head. “Despite being a bit of a dick, He’s is right. That’s not too many.”
Yonny tapped another key. The monitor picture changed to a view of the valley. Apart from those being torn apart by goats, there seemed to be hundreds of zombies, falling over themselves, swarming like ants, trying to get into the cave.
“Oh crap,” Simon whispered, “we can’t fight them all off.”
“Well, it looks like the goats will take most of them down.” Dick added optimistically.
Scott looked closely at the monitor, “Not before enough of them get in and wreck the chamber.”
Yonny tried desperately to wave Scott down without drawing attention to his frantically waving hand.
“Chamber?” Simon asked.
Scott hesitated. “It’s just one of the crucial apparatus we need to focus an energy wave. Nothing for you to worry about. Nothing at all.”
“No, nothing at all.” Yonny added.
Caroline stepped in. “And this gear needs protecting.”
“At all costs.” Scott answered.
Simon’s voice took on a low, gravelly tone; he was trying to do Clint Eastwood but sounded more like an uptight ant. “Then we’ll have to slow them down.”
“And how do we do that?” Yonny asked.
“Brute force.” Simon replied coldly, with a hint of lemon. “And we take down the leader.”
“What leader?” Scott asked.
“You don’t think a mob of half-crazed brain-eaters can organise themselves, do you?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Have you ever tried explaining quantum physics to visiting dignitaries? It’s like blowing wind through a paperclip, and those sort of people rule the world.” Scott replied.
Simon fixed his gaze at the door. “The zombies have a leader – his name is Nick. Take him down and the army loses its focus.”
“What’s its focus?” Yonny asked.
“Me.” Simon replied, his face a portrait of pure determination.
“Why would he want to do that?”
“We used to be mates. It’s what mates do.”
Scott leaned in close. “Seriously – you need to get better friends.”
“Tell me about it.” Simon replied, adjusting his cardigan.
Caroline chimed in. “We need a plan if we’re going to do this.”
“We’ve got one.” Simon replied with absolute, cold steel certainty.
“Have we?” Dick asked blankly.
Simon looked at Caroline, he looked at Dick, he looked at the door and ignored the two scientists. “We open the door, slam into the horde of slobbering, mutant half breeds and fight our way out. He tensed his jaw, trying to look chiselled, and failing.
Caroline shook her head with disbelief. “And how do we do that? There are at least a thousand of them out there.”
Simon smiled. “One thousand zombies? No problem - we’re packing mohair, bitches!”
“Fair enough.” Caroline replied with a shrug.
Simon turned to Scott. “Once we go through that door, lock it behind us and don’t let us back in, until we knock – politely.”
Caroline picked up a chair, Simon picked up a plastic ruler, put it down again, feeling a little embarrassed, and also picked up a chair. Dick picked his nose, scratched one of his balls and cocked his gun.
They stood before the great steel door as the continuous thuds of zombie bodies bombarded against steel on the other side. They tensed and adjusted their mohair shields of protection as Scott unlocked the door….
Chapter 34
The Charge of the Light Brigade
Zombies were falling all over each other as they threw themselves against the door. Their bodies pushed forward, driven by the unrelenting sea of undead behind them.
It looked like some kind of really twisted orgy where nobody was getting any, but were really trying.
There was a thunk, then the door suddenly opened with a screaming creak.
Five zombies fell forward and were instantly thrown back as Dick’s automatic weapon opened up.
A large bullish zombie, somewhat resembling a tank, roared and surged forward, his shear bulk propelled by his own hunger and the wall of bodies behind him.
He was almost through the open door when he met a chair coming the other way. Using his powerful muscles he grabbed the chair and held it in place.
He smiled wickedly at the smallish woman who had swung the chair. She smiled back, with a touch of annoyance, and kicked him in the nuts.
The bottom half of his body catapulted backwards, tossing other zombies aside.
He yelped as his bollocks disappeared behind him and his top half crashed to the floor, releasing his grip on the chair before the rest of him was tossed backwards like lettuce from a salad-shooter.
Caroline, Simon, and Dick forced their way through the doorway, their mohair-enhanced abilities tossing zombies aside, assisted by their maniacally swinging chairs and volleys from Dick’s automatic weapon.
In the confined space of the corridor, the zombies had no chance and the three humans pushed their way forward through the rapidly thinning zombie ranks.
Scott was about to close the door again when a white blur, somewhat resembling a duck, swept over his head and disappeared down the corridor, executing a perfect corkscrew roll to avoid the swinging chairs.
“Well, that’s not something you see every day,” he muttered as he closed and locked the door.
From his command post atop his open-top jeep, Nick surveyed the attack. His driver mowed down ranks of his own army as Nick forced him down the last few metres towards the cave.
Nick jumped to the ground, landing on one of his own soldiers. He wiped a bit of the soldier off one of his shoes and ignored the rest of the mess. Around him, his minions surged forward and then, quite unexpectedly, catapulted back out of the cave, flying backwards through the air, some of them in pieces.
“What!” Nick thundered.
Then in that moment, they came face to face.
Simon and Nick - staring at each other across a battlefield of the dead, the not quite dead, and the somewhere in between.
Nick sensed that this was no longer a timid Simon; this was a warrior Simon.
They scrutinised each other. Simon’s jaw hardened. Zombies were flung aside as Caroline and Dick carved a space around them.
Zombies started fleeing up the hill. The army, two thousand strong, was slowly shrinking. It was just a little embarrassing.
Nick snarled. “So - finally we meet - on the last battlefield.”
Simon gazed over the battleground. “Hi, Mate. Your army is looking a bit thin.” There was a cold harshness in his voice.
Nick looked around at his rapidly diminishing force. “Well, this is all a bit fucked.”
Simon nodded. “You can’t get good help these days.”
Nick shrugged. “Tell me about it.”
“So, now what – mate?” Simon hissed. It wasn’t a question. It was a statement; even the punctuation got caught out.
“Well,” Nick replied thoughtfully, “I’ll try a new tactic.” He turned his back on Simon and walked back to the jeep. “Did you know I have a rocket launcher?”
“Oh, fuck.” Dick said from behind Simon.
His mouth fell open-wide as his eyes took in the twisted, smouldering remains of the Bushmaster. “I liked that truck.”
“Ain’t life a bitch,” Nick replied as he reached into his jeep, pulled out the rocket launcher and fired at Simon.
