Lord of the Zombies: Apocalypse (Lord of the Zombies Zombilogy Book 1)

by Parker, Des

  “Oh – fucking great.” Simon replied, not impressed.

  Yonny saw the disappointment and tried to be helpful. “No, but that’s a good thing – because once you are sub-atomically pulverised, your DNA will combine with that of your mohair cardigan; the quantum acceleration field will spread the resultant super-irradiated neutrino matter stream across the entire world, and rewrite the DNA of every living creature, thereby eliminating all the mutations. Then we can reconstitute your atomic structure and bring you back in one piece.”

  “That sounds a bit difficult.”

  Scott grinned. “No – piece of cake – chocolate cake.”

  “With cream on top.” Yonny added, sipping his tea.

  Scott turned to him and picked up a ginger nut biscuit. “I like that – especially with cherries on the side.”

  “Oh yes – like a sort of Black forest gateau, I love those ones and - ”

  “Hey – focus.” Simon interrupted. He was still not convinced.

  “And if it doesn’t work?”

  Scott and Yonny looked at the floor and tried not to answer.

  “And if it doesn’t work!” Simon repeated, advancing on them.

  Scott looked up nervously, “Um – you’ll end up as a puddle on the accelerator floor.”

  “But it’s alright, we’ve got a good mop.” Yonny added, thinking this would reassure Simon. It didn’t.

  “I am not stepping into a quantum accelerator if I’m going to be pureed.”

  Caroline stormed across the room, “What is it with you men?”

  “Sorry?” Simon replied, not sure what just happened.

  “You know I am just so sick of your lot. You are so useless.” Caroline poked Simon in the chest, pushing him towards the chamber, “I am not going to wear a bloody beanie for the rest of my life, just because you won’t step into a quantum accelerator.”

  Enraged, Caroline turned away, tore off her beanie and tossed it to the floor, “Look what this has done to my hair.”

  “I like your hair.” Simon replied meekly.

  “I haven’t washed it in three days. Do you know what that is like?” She spun away from him, “No of course you don’t, you’re a man.”

  She spun back on him and advanced, “You know for once, just for once, I would like someone to put me first. To look after me for a change! To sacrifice for me!”

  Simon’s expression hardened, “Now wait just a minute. Even since we met, I’ve bent over backwards for you, but you’ve never even looked twice at me, because I’m not the cool guy, not the big guy.”

  Dick jumped between them, his arms outstretched and smiled. “Hey – we work with what we have. Everybody just seems to want mine. What can I say, it’s a gift.”

  He adjusted his jacket, put on his best posing stance, and moved to the centre of the room, an assured smile on his face.

  Behind him, there was a tiny movement; nobody saw it, but someone really should have. Dick was too self absorbed, Caroline and Simon were facing off, and Scott and Yonny chewed on their biscuits and were watching the back and forth like spectators at a tennis match.

  Caroline briefly glanced at Dick, and then turned her laser-focus eyes back on Simon. “But you’re so ordinary.”

  “What’s so wrong with ordinary? Ordinary is reliable. Ordinary will open doors for you, and ordinary - will still be there in the morning.”

  With a smug and stupid grin, Dick added, “What can I say. I have a busy life. The Meister can’t be tied down.”

  “Shut up, Dick.” Simon snapped. “This isn’t about you.”

  “Don’t you understand, Simon? I don’t want ordinary – I want special.”

  “Told ya,” Dick added.

  “Shut up, Dick.” Caroline snapped.

  Simon put a hand on Caroline’s arms, his tone imploring. “You are special. Don’t you understand, these last two days with you have been like a breath of fresh air. Being around you has opened up life for me again. I’ve found something I’d lost. And it’s all because of you.”

  “But you don’t know me. You don’t know the first thing about me and I am not some kind of muse to help you find yourself again. I have my own dreams.”

  Simon swallowed. It was now or never. “Well – maybe I can help you find them, if you give me a chance.”

  “Oh – I’m gonna throw up in a minute,” Nick said as he leapt to his feet and hurtled towards them.

  “What the -.” Dick spun, and tried to block Nick’s path with his arms but screamed as Nick tore into his wrist with his teeth. Dick collapsed, grabbing his bleeding wrist.

  In a half-second, Nick slammed into Caroline and his teeth ripped into her neck, just above her collarbone.

  She screamed and fell aside, blood pouring from the wound.

  “No,” Simon threw his hands out and blasted Nick back the way he came.

  Almost on cue, the door to the lab burst open and two goats entered, sensing another zombie.

  “Get back,” Simon yelled throwing himself between them and Caroline. He picked her up and carried her over to the main console, laying her gently against the front of it, picking up her discarded beanie, trying to stop the bleeding with it, as Scott restrained one of the goats while the other sidled up to Dick who was now lying beside Nick, against the far cupboard, cradling his bleeding wrist.

  The goat eyeballed Dick, knowing what was coming. Dick looked up weakly. “I did a film with a goat once.”

  Nick turned to him with the tiniest hint of shock, a surprising reaction for a man who had previously led a zombie army.

  “No,” Simon was crying as he cradled the dying Caroline. He screamed at Nick. “What have you done?”

  “Made you choose, old mate. Now, either you let me bite you so you can become a zombie to stay with her, or you step into that accelerator and save us both.”

  Simon looked down at Caroline, lying against the console, her skin growing paler by the second. She looked up at him and smiled.

  “It’s alright, it doesn’t hurt too bad. You’ve still got a few minutes.”

  Simon leaned in close and cradled her in his arms, “No, no, no.” He laid her back, tears in his eyes and his expression hardened. He leapt to his feet and grabbed Scott’s goat by the horns. “I could stick a goat through you right now for what you just did.”

  Nick smiled sadly back at him. “Be gentle – aim for my heart.”

  Simon doubled back and let go of the goat. “What the fuck. – Oh Christ, don’t tell me you’re fucking gay. Is that what this is all about? Is that why you’re so obsessed with turning me into a zombie, with chowing down on me?”

  Nick looked up at Simon, his expression softened and, for a moment, he looked like the old Nick, the Nick who was once Simon’s mate, the Nick who was not drooling constantly with bad teeth and a God complex. The old Nick responded to Simon’s piercing gaze and the answer sent Simon into a head spin.

  “You’re my best mate Simon; I wanted to share the gift of immortality with you so we could always be mates. I couldn’t leave you behind in a world full of zombies.”

  Simon still couldn’t put the pieces together. “So why try to eat my face off?”

  Nick responded with a shrug, “I was hungry.”

  “That’s it?”

  “Yeah – pretty much.”

  “That’s the whole reason you trained an army of zombies, werewolves, and vampires to chase me halfway across the country - just so you can have a feed?”

  Simon was dumbstruck. “Jesus fucking Christ, Nick. That’s it? That’s what all of this has been about?”

  “What can I say, a man’s gotta eat.”

  Simon shook his head, trying to make sense of this. “But, but why attack Caroline, if it was only me you were after?”

  “We were mates once. Then you chose her over me.”

  “I didn’t choose anyone. I was just trying to save those I could. I’ve done nothing with my life Nick. This was my chance to be important to someone. I just
didn’t realise until now, how important they would become to me.”

  Caroline shuddered as the poison burned in her veins. “Am I that important to you?”

  “You have no idea.”

  Caroline smiled once more. “And you really think I’m worth it?”

  Nick interrupted, “I’d do her in a heartbeat.”

  “I did,” Dick replied weakly.

  “Was she good to go?” Nick asked brightly.

  “Not bad, a bit conservative on the ole -”

  Caroline rolled her shoulder over to stare at them, each move an agony. “We never slept together you dick!”

  Simon looked up at Dick. “You told me she did.”

  Caroline forced her gaze back to Simon, rage in her voice. “What – were you keeping scores to see who could bed me first?”

  Simon was aghast, once again he had put his foot in his mouth and kicked himself in the arse from the wrong end. “What – No. I never asked, he volunteered. I only wanted to know if you two were an item.”

  “Well we’re not and we never will be. Do you hear me Meisters, you Dick.”

  Yonny scratched his nose. “This is like a bad daytime soap opera.”

  Scott concurred. “Yes – but do you see the subtle psychological undercurrents, its like Freud’s first theory of -.”

  “Guys,” Simon yelled, “Do you mind?

  Simon turned his gaze back to Caroline. “I’ll never let you go.”

  She looked deep into his eyes as her sight began to dim. “But I am about to turn into a brain sucking freak.”

  Simon made a decision.

  “No – you’re not.”

  He stood and turned to Scott, steely determination in his voice. “Let’s do this.”

  “Cool.” Scott went back to the console as Yonny escorted Simon to the door of the acceleration chamber.

  Simon smiled at Caroline, “I’ll be back.”

  Yonny looked at Simon, then glanced downward and turned to Scott. “I’ll get the mop ready.”

  “What?” Simon said, hesitating at the threshold of the chamber.

  “Don’t worry, only joking,” Yonny patted him on the shoulder and ushered him inside the chamber, then shook his head sadly in Scott’s direction.

  Scott nodded in understanding, but figured it was worth a try. “Accelerator powered up, field enhancers on line. Stand by for the energy surge.” He moved his hands confidently over the controls and hesitated, not sure which one to press, “This one I think.”

  The accelerator cycled up and a powerful resonating pulse echoed around the room, rising in volume with every passing second.

  Simon stood in the doorway, smiling bravely, wishing he had been to the loo before he went, and hoping he would not wet himself as he was pulverised into atoms, because, that would be just plain embarrassing. “I promise I’ll be back,” he yelled over the rising din as the accelerator powered up.

  Caroline started to spasm. She glanced over at Nick, straining to speak as her life drained away. “Hey – Lord of the Zombies, you must be feeling pretty chuffed with yourself right now.”

  Nick was surprised by her pleasantry but smiled widely with satisfaction. “Yes – I have a warm feeling of achievement inside.”

  Caroline smiled back, but it was a cold smile of death; she locked her gaze on Nick, even as her spasms became uncontrollable.

  “Well, you better enjoy it while it lasts because after I turn, I’m gonna rip your nuts off and feed them to you.”

  The smile drained from Nick’s face and, for the first time, he squirmed uncomfortably. “You better get a move on, she’s about to change,” he yelled over the din at Simon, protectively cradling his nuts as he did so.

  Caroline’s mouth took on an evil grin and she slammed her head back against the console one last time.

  Yonny started to close the chamber door.

  “Fuck this, I’m hungry,” Caroline hissed as her new zombie nature asserted itself and she leapt to her feet, launching herself into the chamber, determined to eat the man who was trying to save her.

  The chamber door slammed behind her but before she could touch Simon, the accelerator reached critical mass and they both vanished in a blinding white light.

  A half second later, everything shut down.

  There was silence for a moment and Nick spoke up, clearly relieved. “Well that was a bit of a disappointment.”

  Scott nodded sadly at Yonny. “You better get that mop.”

  Chapter 37

  Regenesis

  The lights in the lab flickered briefly, and then came back on.

  Yonny walked over to the acceleration chamber with the mop while Scott dunked a biscuit.

  Nick looked up, a philosophical lean to his mouth, “That didn’t go too well. I suppose its back to the drawing board? Oh well, if you scientists could just take off that mohair, I can have some lunch.”

  “How does a zombie get laid?” Dick asked as his body started to spasm.

  The goats tensed, “Oh fuck,” Nick whispered.

  Before the goats could strike, the acceleration chamber burst back into life with a roar and filled with a ball of blazing white-hot light.

  In the whirling light-storm at the centre of this matter-stream, at the very heart of the quantum explosion, Simon and Caroline transformed into primary cellular organisms. They came together as one.

  In a microsecond they recombined and split into single cell amoeba, which is anatomically quite difficult.

  In the blurring heat of ecstatic union, which the collapsing mind of Simon interpreted as a kind of fucking, they transformed once more, this time into beings of pure thought, disappointing the after-image of Simon, even as the after-image of Caroline yearned for a good book.

  Goats drifted lazily through their hyper-kinetic dissipating minds and, in a blaze of super-energised particulate matter, they recombined for one final time, seeing all of reality before them and Simon realised he forgot to put the bin out.

  A something began at the very heart of nothing and hyper-accelerated neutrino particles exploded invisibly from the chamber, passing through the Earth at the speed of light, bombarding everything in their path.

  Arcs of energy lanced out in all directions from deep inside the chamber, catapulting Yonny off his feet. His mop flew across the room, hitting Nick squarely in the face. He fell backwards as the goat leaned down to deliver the fatal butt.

  The goat stopped. It sniffed at Nick who was splayed out on the floor with the mop covering his head.

  Instead of attacking Nick, the goat cocked its leg and did something else entirely as it stood over him for a moment and then quietly left the room, followed by its companion.

  Dick fell slowly to the floor beside Nick and popped up again. “Well that was fucking weird.” The injury to his hand healed itself instantly and he shook his head. “I feel like I’ve been asleep.”

  On the plain outside the cave, Bob awoke with a start. Everything ached and the sun was starting to break through the clouds. He knew he would have to find a dark place to shelter.

  He stood up weakly and leapt forward to change into bat form, but didn’t. What he did do was to fall face-first into the ground and discover whole new set of aches he hadn’t noticed before.

  He also realised he would have to go back to being a postman, but knew in his heart that he actually wanted to fly instead.

  All around him, zombies stopped drooling and rubbed sore heads with their now-human hands. Most of them were confused, their memories of the last few days a passing blur. The confusion was so great, they didn’t pay much attention to the broken and shattered bits of others lying about the place, which was probably a good thing, or to the goats who looked just a little confused for a second before ignoring the remnants of the horde completely and sinking their teeth into whatever grass they could find.

  A mile away, Rex stopped running like a wolf and sort of tumbled over, turning into a human who was trying unsuccessfully to run like a wo
lf, and failing spectacularly.

  As he nose-dived into the dirt, he realised that this was probably going to hurt and that milking cows and growing stuff was probably safer and far less painful.

  At a small pond down the road a few miles, several duck hens were feeling perplexed and unsure what to do, until Mr Percival landed and showed them.

  In a quiet bedroom in the secret underground base, Albert and Hettie were doing something very similar, which was probably unsafe for zombies, but this was no longer a problem for them.

  The neutrino wave continued unabated and circled the globe, driven onward by the sheer will of Simon’s consciousness and his love for Caroline. This all-consuming love washed over everything in its path. Caroline’s new zombie nature dissipated into nothing, replaced by Simon’s perfect image of her.

  It is said that love is all-powerful and nothing, except unbridled hatred of equal strength, could resist it; and as far as Simon knew, there was nothing on Earth that hated him more than he cared for Caroline.

  Even Nick never really hated Simon that much, so he too buckled beneath the onslaught of unbelievable power that now emanated from the chamber.

  And all across the world, in the wake of this colossus neutrino wave, every living thing that had mutated felt the power overwhelm it and reverse the Z-mutation in a heartbeat.

  Back in the heart of the base, the chamber surged with energy once more and a completely restored Simon fell out the door. “I could really do with that cup of tea.”

  “You and me both,” a human Caroline said, as she fell into the room past him.

  “You’re alright.” Dick said, leaping to his feet.

  “You’re not a zombie,” Caroline responded.

  “Neither are you,” Dick answered with a smile as he checked his crotch, “and everything is still where it should be. So – wanna go for a ride?”

  “But you’re still a dick.” Caroline added as she put her arm around Simon who smiled widely.

  On the floor, Nick’s prone body lay motionless. The Lord of the Zombies had finally fallen. A solitary mop was the only thing standing to mark his passing.

  Simon looked over at Nick and a terrible sadness swept over him. Despite everything, Nick had been his best friend once. There would always be an empty hole in his heart that no one else could fill.