by Inia Jardine
‘Jonah you are mad as a hatter but I really like you. To try and correct a second of the historical injustices I offer to be your slave for one second. You can do what you want, kiss me on the cheek, here.’
He evidently takes this friendly gesture from me as an invitation and moves to kiss my cheek. At the last moment he turns my face and he hits my mouth dead on. I swear the earth moves. It feels like I have just won the jackpot in a casino - bingbingbingbingbing!
Phew. Talk about seeing stars. This guy has a sense of humour and he is intelligent and he is cute! And he can kiss!
‘Hmm your order people’ the waiter unfortunately interrupts after what feels to me like a ten-minute kiss.
I am not even embarrassed as Jonah helps me up and brushes the sand off my skirt. My knees are sore from the pebbles and my legs are completely unstable.
‘Luckily this dish is cold, it will keep’ the waiter smiles.
‘Thanks Dean’ Jonah replies, ‘we promise to behave appropriately from now on – and thanks for the stuff.’
Behave, at least while we are in public, yes...I add silently to myself. There is a molten core of lava in my lower belly. Thank goodness that we are not alone. I am not totally in control of myself at the moment. My body the traitor.
‘Hey. I said a second.’ I eventually utter when I get my breath back.
‘Dean is one of my students, his family owns this spot. He doesn’t mind.’
Jonah sounds totally unaffected by what just happened. He knows the set-up, must come here frequently; I hope he doesn’t do this routine with every date! He is not even shaken up. That is most probably unfair of me but I am suddenly insanely jealous of all previous partners of this gorgeous man and want him to be ‘past relationship - free’. Just because he kissed me.
We sit down and look at each other across the table. ‘What just happened?’ we say at the same time.
‘This is scary’ Jonah laughs.
‘You started it’. I join in. Now that I know he also experienced something special, I have never felt so good. Ever.
‘So Jonah, how many girls have you brought here?' I venture without really wanting to know.
‘Too many, Lilia, too many. I have dated girls from every country. They all pass through Jamaica at some time or another, you name them. Let me see, there was a French girl or two, an Italian, Spanish, Dutch, Chinese, Japanese, African, Russian…I forget sometimes. Oh yes the Turkish one, then Jewish, many island ladies of course, German...let me think...oh yes and I have just recently added a Brit and a South African.’
Yeah I get it. OK that was a stupid question. 'You must be Dean's best customer and the country's top export product! All the bits of Jonah taken to all parts of the world by love-struck women.'
Who could resist a guy like Jonah, I should have known. I hold up my hands in surrender.
‘Enough of the bragging already!’
He chuckles. ‘It is one of my bad habits. Sorry. You must start telling me more about yourself now or I fear we will never get time for it. We seem to have started the wrong way around! It must have been your voluptuous body under that wet dress this afternoon that befuddled my mind.’
Jonah is right. We don’t really know each other from Adam.
‘The fruits on this platter are all so delicious, some I am familiar with, some not. Tell me more about this one for instance? What would you suggest I have for a main course? Something cold as well, it is so hot here, .... but pleasant;’ I add quickly.
‘I recommend the fish with bammy’ Jonah suggests. ‘It is ideal for this kind of weather and a great experience here. Dean’s family grow their own organic fruit and vegetables. The fish is fresh from the ocean. Are you a total vegetarian or did you say that you do eat seafood sometimes? That fruit you are holding is carambola, that one is a star apple, that is noni, that is guinep. You know the paw-paw of course.’
‘Cool, I have had bammy before and I love it. We call a paw-paw a papaya.’ Bammy is a local fried patty type of thing made from the yucca root. ‘I try not to eat flesh of any animals but sometimes fall by the wayside with seafood, especially those with no eyes like mussels’ I add.
‘But, they also have to get killed unfortunately. I will never feel comfortable eating marlin though or any animal with a developed brain like octopus. I think I will skip on the fish. Maybe some mussels instead, or if they have nori?’ I don't really want fish breath for later, maybe I will get another kiss.
‘I think that is perfectly acceptable Lilia, the seafood here is still plentiful and if you prefer I would also skip on the steak. I’m fine with or without meat.'
I don’t know why people keep animals, get to know them, care for them and then kill and eat them. Like this goat meat on the menu; he or she was walking around minding it’s own business yesterday. It is really a cruel and primitive practice to my mind. ‘You know, my ex country is so fucked up, we had a public holiday called Heritage Day to celebrate the different peoples who make up and contributed to our rainbow nation. Then some idiot with greed and a stake in the meat industry twisted it into what people now call National BBQ Day. Disgusting.’
How can you love or be proud of a country with idiotic screwed up ideas like that? It's all about making money now and killing animals. ‘I was hoping that the country would evolve to a higher consciousness after all the blood-lust and atrocities of the past but no, they insist on slipping backwards even more. It's no wonder the country is going from bad to worse’.
‘I agree with your sentiments Lilia but enough of this kind of talk, the evening is gorgeous and let’s talk about lovely things. Tell me about your life so far’. Jonah leans towards me with a genuine interested demeanour.
This is so unlike other men I have dated before who did not really care about me and my strong opinions, just what they could get out of the deal.
While feasting on our delicious food we share our abbreviated life stories. I steer clear of past relationships (I read once in an agony column that it is a sure fire passion killer) and concentrate on interesting facts & snippets.
Along the way he actually calls me sexually repressed as I tell him that I don’t believe in sex. It is overrated. Like kids. There are more important things in life.
I do not tone down my passionate love for animals though, as it is what defines me. A man must take it or leave it; it comes with me as a package deal.
‘A very important question Jonah, this is a make or break situation. Do you like cats? Because if you don’t it is bye-bye Prof Hibbert, nice knowing you.’
‘You must be one of the most opinionated women I have ever met Lilia, and I have met many.’
I hope I haven’t scared Jonah off by being honest. That has happened before. Honesty most probably means more to me than all other characteristics. But oh well. Whatever must happen will happen. Que sera, sera.
‘So? Do you or not?’
‘...but as I was saying - that just makes me find you more irresistible...’ he says fondly. ‘I am sure that if you love cats they cannot be that bad, but I have never really been mad about those rather independent creatures. I am a dog person myself.’
‘Cool. Why resist it then?
This irresistible feeling, I mean.’
‘Do you suggest that I act on that feeling or get a cat?’
‘You must meet Willow, one of my cats. He is gorgeous and loving. The other two are more reserved, Flower and Rainbow, but very loving once they know you. Willow will slobber all over you.’
‘Well then I will have to meet them. Before that can happen - let’s leave this panoramic joint and experiment with another somewhere else. The bill please Dean!’ Jonah impatiently gestures to our waiter all in the spate of one hurried breath.
‘So where are you taking me now?’ I enquire as I feel a need developing in what the old world romance writers used to call my ‘nether regions’. I totally want to get hold of this man in private. Shocking thought.
‘Home.’
'You taking me home? What did I do wrong? I thought we were going out dancing or something.'
I sound like a spoilt child. I don't want this evening to end. We hurry up the weathered boardwalk to Jonah’s bike. I clasp my arms around him in a very different way as I did on the drive here. I let my hand slip lower and feel his urgency too. Oh my word...and do I feel it. I know where we this is going to end up, and really, I am so OK with it. Can't wait. Lilia, you are a floozy.
A few minutes later I clumsily unlock my bungalow door and Jonah pins me to the wall barely taking time to close the door.
‘Oh Lilia I know you want to go dancing but I want you. I want you so much, please say you do too!’
‘Jonah’ I breathe, as the tarty version of myself who suddenly appears wraps her leg around his thigh and barely keeps the other on the floor on tippy toes. ‘Does it look like I have a problem with what you are doing right now? Just a quick question...did you per chance bring some protection with because that is one thing I have not thought about in many years.’
Pushing my panties aside, unzipping his jeans and rolling a condom over his much engorged self in one smooth move he is inside me in a flash.
‘Always prepared is my motto.'
Oh it feels good...’ and that ends all logical conversation from my side.
I do not object. Not in the least.
‘We can take it slower later but oh...yes. Oh yes...’
We reach an urgent rhythm within seconds. I fear for the sturdiness of this wall I am leaning against. Jonah bashes me hard against it in his ardour. Black and blue will be the name written on my back tomorrow but I don’t care. ‘Deeper Jonah deeper’ I whimper.
I have lost myself in this man. I cannot get into him and him into me enough; I want to melt with him to become one entity. We shout out to the skies as we explode and implode together. Still twisted together we slump down to the floor.
‘Do not get off me, but my goodness you are not a light person’ Jonah sighs.
‘Jou gat my skat’ I reply. (That loosely translates into 'your ass my dear'). You started this – again!’ I add.
‘Are ...you...complaining?' he asks between planting wet kisses on my mouth.
‘No, of course not Big J but I do think that as a natural asset you should rather have been named after the plantain.’
Jonah laughs. ‘I know I know, the best of the best and the tastiest too. The big daddy of all plantains. Thank you I will take my reward now.’ He gleefully redirects his prowess in matters amorous.
He obviously has something in mind which I am not totally ready for. This is happening too fast for me. I have certainly not been a prude up to now but the relationships I have had after my marriage were short, mostly superficially sexual and turbulent. Jonah has certainly brought out the predator in me though. All of a sudden I am insatiable.
‘Lilia I want you again’ Jonah seems surprised at this upstanding gentleman inside me once again, rearing its beautiful head, ready for battle.
‘I do not disapprove of your technique or speed Mr Professor but may I politely request you to stop talking and let me ravage you this time?’
I roll over onto him and ride him until we are both so tired out that we can barely move.
‘When last have you had it’ I ask ‘as I do not know how you did that twice old man.'
‘Believe it or not my horny little lady, you have been my first in about a month...’ I slap him playfully and get off him to let him breathe.
‘I trust that will change now, how long do I have before I get replaced?’ I ask mock seriously. 'I have only days left to be with you!’
‘I like big butts and I cannot lie...’ he starts to sing like Donkey in the movie Shrek. ‘Let's stay in bed for those few days and bonk like bunnies.’
‘Well, this big butted girl likes your idea Professor. No regrets? But I have work to finish.'
I feel so open and free with Jonah that I feel I can say anything to him. His reference to my ample body does not even bother me as it has with other lovers.
He obviously feels OK with talking straight. ‘No regrets. We talk productivity tomorrow.’
That, I like in a man. In everyone for that matter. Regrets are of no use whatsoever; neither is over analysing anything.
‘Would you like some cold water?’ I ask as I walk to the small fridge while wiggling my big butt at him.
‘No, I want you’ I hear close behind me as he bends me forward over the low fridge.
‘Again Jonah, do you not know how to control yourself?’
‘Why should I’ he growls as he enters me once more. No more condom but who cares. I'm way beyond caring about that.
‘You are insatiable but what is worse you are turning this staid old woman into a nymphomaniac too! Shame on you.’
‘I have no shame with you Lilia, you have released my inner tiger. Once they get a taste for blood they want it all the time...anyway I believe that lust is just an outward manifestation of an inward feeling of admiration. I do so admire you.’
‘That’s beautiful Jonah, thanks, now I feel less ‘easy’ seeing that we obviously admire each other!’
As we eventually disentangle ourselves from each other, sated for the moment, we notice a movement at the door.
‘Jonah! There is somebody watching us!’
He jumps up and runs to the door buck naked. ‘Lilia, the purse you left on the floor by the door is gone! Was the left-over weed in there? Oh shit.’
As he starts to chase after the intruder he realises his vulnerable state, turns around quickly and pulls his jeans on.
‘Phone reception and tell them to send their security but not the local police’ he shouts as he runs down the pathway.
A few minutes later, hurriedly dressed & still dishevelled, I meet the constabulary in front of the bungalow.
‘Is this where the burglary was reported? Was entry forced Ms..?’ the friendly man asks. Even in this stressful situation I see the double meaning in that, I have such a one track mind at the moment.
‘Uhm, no, we, I, forgot to lock the door. I thought it was safe here. I’m Lilia Lamonte. We actually only wanted hotel security to investigate, it is not that serious. You look like you are more official, who phoned the police?’
‘Nowhere is really safe from petty thievery Ms Lamonte. The hotel phoned me as they are worried about the increasing pilfering from rooms lately. Staff may possibly be involved. I am Detective Jefferson. Was anything taken?’
‘Mrs not Ms. Not important though. The intruder stole my purse. It has my passport in it! Jonah chased after him, we saw someone at the door when...’ I blush red as a beetroot and stammer on ‘...when we were in the kitchen.’
‘Jonah then is Mr Lamonte I take it?’
‘No, he is Prof Hibbert. Jonah I mean. You know what I mean.’ I am like a little girl caught in the act of telling a fib. ‘I’m not married to him.’
‘I understand. ‘The police detective smiles knowingly. ‘Where is Prof Hibbert now?’
Pointing down the path towards the shrubbery I manage to get out ‘He went that way’ and with that the policeman turns around and runs down the path into the shrubbery.
What feels like an eternity later Jonah and the policeman come crashing back through the shrubs and up the path with a gorgeous young woman between them. She is not handcuffed but is obviously accompanying them against her will. She is cursing Jonah over and over. 'Bumboclot, bastard, Babylon, liar, cheat.'
‘Got your purse back Ms Lamonte, I will just take loud Miss Hope here to the station and then come and get a statement from you folks.’
‘It’s okay Detective Jefferson; let her go with a warning. I know her and made myself clear to her before you caught up with us. She won’t bother Ms Lamonte again’ Jonah says menacingly.
He obviously knows this woman. She is beautiful with her long black hair, curvy body and perky breasts. She looks young. She is also looking at me with extreme hate in her eyes. This is
not petty theft. This is more personal.
