by Inia Jardine
‘Well, you know what Jonah, I don’t care anymore how anyone else feels about me or how they see me. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and you are my beholder now. I was constantly ridiculed during my school years for a skin condition and never recovered my self-confidence. Your opinion is now the only one that matters. Sorry, my cats as well and they also love me the way I am. So I’m okay.’
‘I’m alive!’
‘I’m in love!’
‘Let’s do some beach combing before we head home for a swim. I will buy you a bucket if you want, to carry your treasures in if you find any.’
‘There are always treasures to find, once again it is in the eye of the beholder. Beauty in the broken. Most things the sea washes out are gorgeous, shells, pebbles, pieces of shell, pieces of sea fans, driftwood, I want to take it all but can't. The only thing I hate is the rubbish. Fishing lines, plastic – I want to scream when I see all the stuff humans chuck into the sea. Most beach days I have had my hands too full of litter to pick up any shells.’
‘Our beaches are still fairly clean my dear and I am sure you will not scream once. While we are on the beach that is.’
‘Promises, promises...’
‘Look Jonah! It is one of those very poisonous cone shells. Luckily it is empty. The creature who once lived in it was poisonous I mean, not the shell.’
‘Lilia I am a Professor you know, not that stupid.’
‘Oh man I didn’t mean it that way. I collected shells when I was young and always wanted one of those but they don’t occur as far down as South Africa. Rather kiss me and stop being difficult.’
We have been beach combing happily for what seemed like 5 minutes but according to the position of the sun was closer to hours. I have a bucketful of shells and we both have sore backs from bending over all the time to pick things up. We eventually take a breather on the rocks and watch the waves rolling in.
‘This place is really beautiful. I especially enjoy the way the trees come right up to the ocean in some places. Our South African beaches are lovely, long and white, but there are no trees, no shade. I only like to go to the beach in cooler weather. Do you honestly want to exchange this for rural England where you might not like the climate? Where do you want to go Jonah? What part of the world would you like to make your home in?’
‘Anywhere, as long as it is with you.’
‘Corny. I knew you were going to say that. Do you really mean it though?’
‘Will you only believe me the day I turn up on your doorstep?’
‘Just phone in advance so that I can tidy up. Keeping house has never been one of my strong points.’
‘Again, corny to you maybe, but what would you say your strong point is or strong points are?’
‘Always the Professor. My strong points as I see them are: I am responsible and independent. I can laugh at myself, don’t take myself too seriously, not vain or egotistical, determined, strong (character wise), stable. I like to be self-sufficient, loving, kind, caring - especially towards animals & old people, and I love making love to you.
Then I have weak points which are: Bad self-image, hopeless romantic who gets disappointed often, jealous/protective. I hate crowds, lots of people in one place like festivals, I’m afraid of heights and I have mild claustrophobia. I hate noise, intensely dislike children, have no patience with irresponsible people and I am always clowning around at inopportune moments.
That is Lilia in a nutshell.’
‘Jonah in a nutshell. In love with Lilia. Strong point: feel down here...’ and he grabs my hand to make sure that I get the point. He starts pulling me toward the inland direction of the rocks we are sitting on.
‘Oh Jonah you are one track minded. It is like a honeymoon. Where are we off to now?’
‘I want to show you something. You are not the only beach comber I know.’
‘A cave? You want me to go in there? In the dark?’
‘Yes, with me. Not by yourself. Didn’t you just tell me that two of your strong points were being strong of character and determined? Show me now that you can show your claustrophobia who is boss.’
I give Jonah a look which might have burned a hole through a lesser person and proceed slowly. ‘Are you taking me into uncharted waters or have you been here before. Is it safe?’
‘Depends on what you mean by safe. No monsters, no bats, no giant arachnids – well not that I know of or have encountered and yes I have been here before and I do think that it is safe. I will go in front if it will make you feel better.’
We seem to be walking through moist, winding low tunnels, at a slight gradient and Jonah sort of pulls me along. I am so scared and I feel anxious. There is something in the cave air that interferes with my breathing. I am sure that it is physical and not mental but I try to ignore it. As with most phobias my claustrophobia is most probably based on psychological factors but this is manifesting itself in a very physical way.
‘Jonah, just hang on there. I need my asthma inhaler.’ I dig around in my bag and feel for my small life saver. As I grasp its shape it slips out of my fingers and clatters onto the cave floor. It is pitch dark and I have no idea which way it rolled.
‘Jonah I need my inhaler! I cannot find it! Help me please!’ I start panicking and I can't breathe.
If you have not experienced the feeling of not being able to breathe you are lucky. It is the most terrible feeling of being constricted by an invisible force which prevents you from drawing air into your lungs. I panic and cry at the same time.
He crawls around on the cave floor and eventually locates the inhaler.
‘Lilia, here, breathe, come on. It is right here. Don’t panic, you will make it worse.’
I take deep thankful breaths and after the normal concomitant coughing spell slowly sink down onto the wet cave floor.
‘Sorry Jonah but I will take those two points off my strong point list if we can leave immediately. I cannot handle this. Please lead me out by the shortest route!’
As we see light at the end of our path Jonah stops. ‘Lilia, I am so sorry. I should not have pushed you to go inside with me. Please forgive me, I cannot bear to think that I almost caused your death.
I was aware of the fact that you had an asthma inhaler but I have never seen you use it. I presumed that it was a past condition and never thought that it might be associated with your claustrophobia. I am truly sorry.’
‘Big J, stop stressing it is not that bad at all. It was just something in the cave air, maybe mould or fungal spores or such. Don’t worry I am tough. I will survive.’
We take it slow all the way back home in relative silence. I can see that Jonah is thinking about serious things so I do what sometimes gets me into trouble, I clown around at inopportune moments.
‘Why did you take me into the cave Jonah, do you take all your conquests there? Do you have a special spot there for bonking? The J spot. Get it? not G spot but J spot.’
He glances at me and keeps on walking in silence. He obviously does not think that it is very funny. I think I have pushed him too far this time. Now it is my turn to say sorry.
‘Sorry Jonah. That came out badly, I intended it as a joke. I am a bit jealous of your past. I only know what you have told me and that is that you have had many girlfriends. I just assumed that was what you had in mind.’
‘Lilia, you are totally correct. I wanted to make wild passionate love with you in the cave like I did to countless women and subsequently almost killed you. I will control my urges from now on.’
I can feel Jonah withdraw from me. I must have hit a sore spot.
This holiday is suddenly not nice any more, I want to go home. As we arrive at Gorgoleta Estate I calmly walk towards the room, pack my suitcase and phone the airport.
They confirm that my ticket can be changed and promise to send a cab. Jonah does not see any of this as he took off in another direction on arrival, towards the coffee plantation. His staff are most probably used to girlfriends coming and
going and since I was never formally introduced to anyone - I guess they won’t even tell him about my departure.
An inner voice says to me ‘Don’t walk away from this, you are stupid. He thought you were good enough to introduce to his home, his past.’
I walk away anyway.
Stubborn, embarrassed Lilia. My taxi arrives with no sign of Jonah yet. I am fed-up and disappointed so I get into the cab without looking back.
I fly back out of Kingston within two hours, next stop Heathrow - from there to Arumvale airfield from where I take a cab straight home. Willow runs toward me as I open the front door and I collapse in a sorry heap whilst hugging him close. Right there on the floor I sob my heart out for my love that I lost, or threw away…again.
6
The next morning at around nine Bella comes to look after the cats for the day and finds me in bed. ‘Lilia, you look terrible. What happened, why are you here?’
As I tell her my version of the story I can see that she is disappointed for me, in me, and with me. She is too kind to say so though and goes to the kitchen to put coffee on.
‘Lilia, have you not acted too (dare I say) childishly?’
‘I am sure I have Bella but I couldn’t see any other way. If I stayed it would have been uncomfortable and now Jonah hates me. I am such an asshole.’
Over countless cups of coffee, I calm down and plan my next move. I am just going to have to crawl back and admit that I am a stupid immature idiot.
The phone rings.
‘I am not here Bella, please. You think I am still with him. Please?’
‘Hi Jonah, yes, hold on. For you my friend,' she says as she hands the phone to me ' I am next door if you need me.’
‘I am sorry Jonah. I understand if you never want to see me again. I’m a stupid, stupid girl.’
‘I am disappointed in you Lilia, I never thought you would be so impulsive and short tempered. After I cooled down I looked for you to talk things over and you were gone, just like that. Is this going to happen every time we have a spat?’
‘You know Jonah; I am not your child. Don’t talk down to me like that. OK, I did act stupidly but hey, it is my prerogative. And I have a reason. Everywhere we go people treat me like ‘one of your girls’ and I am sick and tired of that. They all seem to know you and expect you to have a new girlfriend every week. I feel so common and cheap. That is why I blew up not only because of the stupid cave.’
‘Goodbye Lilia, good luck on finding a 50-year-old heterosexual man with no previous relationships. I saw you left the bracelet here, luckily I can still return it.’
Then there is just a buzzing on the line. The bastard put the phone down on me.
∞∞∞
Life goes on. In a fairly shitty fashion. I go to work in the mornings, I come home in the afternoons. I work hard. I hug my cats, shovel snow, lie in front of the fireplace and read my books. Sometimes I spend a bit of time with Bella but I am a bit of a wet blanket. I don’t want to go out with her or have fun. She tolerates me and sometimes forces me to go to the market with her on a weekend or to rent a movie. Once, when I saw Xanadu on the shelves I lost it and she had to watch movies by herself that night. I went home and cried myself to sleep.
I am back to being ‘Lilia before Jonah’. The boring, sad one.
Once I phoned Jonah’s number at the Institute but put the phone down when he answered. When my phone rang a few minutes later I didn’t answer.
The games supposedly adult people play.
Sad.
A few months after my return from my two-day waste of money vacation in Jamaica, someone knocks on my office door.
‘Lilia, are you busy tonight?’
I almost fall off my chair because Carl and I have only greeted each other in the Castle grounds on a few occasions. Only when he came to look for specific information on the arboretum progress. He is a cousin of Sir James. I don’t even know what his surname is. He is tall and blonde, almost the quintessential surfer type dude.
‘Hi Carl I’m actually not feeling great at the moment. What did you have in mind?’
‘You have to eat don’t you, just a quick dinner. There is a new little place on the river. Called ‘Mullets’ believe it or not.’ He laughs.
I can use a laugh right now I think. Why not? I have fallen into a bit of a depression about the whole Jonah thing. Carl is the Castle owner’s cousin after all, and I have a lot of respect for Sir James. How bad can one dinner be?
‘Okay Carl, if you promise to have me home by ten! I need my beauty sleep as you can see. Only joking. I will go with my own car.’
‘I have always thought that you were cute Lilia, but you are as a rule very unapproachable. For a while I actually thought that you and that Bella girl were an item. You are always together on weekends. She is also very pretty like you but as cold as ice when you approach her.’
‘How is this for your fantasy, we take belly dancing classes together! I can assure you however that neither of us are gay, not that there is anything wrong with being gay, but we are just very good friends. Men seem to be in the habit of wreaking havoc with both of our hearts so we try and steer clear of them at present. As this dinner clearly not a heart issue but a tummy one, I will accept. What time do I meet you there, and where exactly is it?’
‘Independent woman hey, can’t I pick you up? I want to hear more about that belly dancing!’
‘No Carl,’ I laugh. Gets them every time. Men are so shallow. Just give them the picture of two girls together and they run away with it. ‘I prefer to have my own wheels. See you there at say seven? Just give me directions.’
At about ten past seven I walk into Mullets. The setting is pretty romantic with the old stone pub/restaurant set into a lush riverside area, surrounded by trees, ferns and climbing plants. There are paths leading through the garden and lanterns hanging from huge stone pillars. It is scarily romantic for just a dinner date. Yes, I said it, this must be a date then.
‘Hi Lilia, you look great. Never saw you in all black before, it is very sexy.’
That was not the idea, I actually wanted to dress as plainly as possible. I certainly did not want to lead Carl on. It obviously backfired badly. Oh well. I can handle him.
‘I am in mourning Carl, mourning the loss of my romantic element!’ That should get him.
He is obviously not discouraged as he takes my hand and kisses it like a gentleman. This might not be a waste of time after all.
‘So Carl, tell me about you. Where do you come from and what exactly do you do in Arumvale? Except seduce women?’ I can imagine they all fall for his good looks.
‘I am what they call the weed killer guy, I have done my Masters in Botany, especially on biological control of invasive species. You know, make fungus grow on invasive plants to eradicate them.’
‘Interesting. I love plants though and would not like to kill them slowly, even if they are weeds!’
‘Enough of plants, I get bored quickly away from my fungi. Tell me more about you? Why is all this beauty hidden away in Arumvale?’
As I tell him a bit about my past, including my interest in the history of slavery I can see him losing interest. Fast. ‘You asked, my friend, but I can tell you have no interest in the subject. Let’s order our food, have a hopefully pleasant meal as colleagues and go home. We are not very compatible socially. I am also still in love with my ex.'
‘Sorry Lilia but I got distracted by looking at your eyes. They are such an interesting colour blue. Almost like thunder clouds or stormy seas.’
‘That’s exactly what people always say. Guess that’s true. Goes with my personality, yes, I know.’
‘They say that if you are so cold-blooded in ordinary life, you are a tigress in bed. Would you like to prove that?’ he says as his hand slides up my inner thigh under the table.
I push my chair back and get up lightning fast in one move while I allow my hand to shoot out and knock over his drink onto his lap. ‘What gives you th
e right, you presumptuous asshole, I don’t even know you and here you become exceptionally personal. You have no right to touch me. Stuff you, I’m leaving.’
