BOMAW 7-9

by Mercedes Keyes

  Sitting on the floor, right then and there, Shanna sucked in a gasp as it came at her like a blinding light. She sat forward, her arms around her knees as her mother's story of Edwin Piercey came to mind. No longer a little girl. No longer innocent of men. No longer in the dark where their feelings, fears, insecurities and hang-ups existed, Shanna had an understanding of them, men. Shanna had a aching knot form in her stomach as it dawned on her, that her father—somehow—knew. Going back over it allin her mind, what other reason could there have been for it?

  She covered her mouth in shock, crying out, "Oh, my God…daddy…" Suddenly, as if a visual puzzle appeared in her mind's eye, one missing piece came to the big picture that had always been convoluted, murky, unclear and now, all the pieces fell into place giving her a clear view.

  Her father must have thought that Shawn…wasn't his.

  While her mother had said that her father had been hard on Shawn, sometimes went too far, Shanna now sat and realized with startling clarity what it was her father had done. Because Shanna had left the protective world of her family, of home, and had gone out into a world to fall victim and become someone who knew abuse first hand, she could look back and see it. There was no way of avoiding the ugliness of it, couldn't sugar coat the facts in this day and age; Bart, her devoted father, who had tenderly loved her, protected her; never failed to dote on her, hug her and smile with pride and joy—that same man, had treated her older brother as one would a dog that was purchased to work and guard the property and family. Why? She now realized why. She now understood why abuse seemed absurd before, because they were all, after all, his children. Yet Shanna knew, in the deep pit of her stomach, that her father obviously thought her brother the child of another man—a black man.

  Everything made sense now. Everything. Now she understood beyond a shadow of a doubt, why her brother, finally…fled. Left home. Took off to California, not long after graduating from high school. He'd been running for his life. He'd needed to be free. Now, he was back.

  Shanna's head fell forward, dropping to her knees. She sniffed because she'd come back home. Knowing that this horribly disturbed man that she'd married and was frightened of, might follow. She'd come back home, unsure as to whether her father would be able protect her. However, she too was running for her life, and home was her haven, had always been. However, the fact was that her father was an older man now and she feared what her return, and her problems, might do to him or his health. Then she heard that finally, Shawn was definitely coming home. He'd promised for years to come back and never seemed to get there. Her parents had gone out, located some property for him, and her dad secured it by purchasing it. Shawn had held the lease for some time before he showed up claiming it. And then, finally, he was back.

  Shanna felt as if she had committed a mighty sin; feeling guilty of inadvertently leading her hyena, into the lion's den. And as she sat there on the floor, she knew that he'd been devoured. She was free. Finally free…however, at a great cost. Her kitten came up to her meowing. She picked it up, rubbing it against her cheek. "God up in heaven, please forgive me. Please forgive me. And I beg you, I beg you—if you do exist, will you please, with your own hand, shield…and protect my brother, please, I beg you…protect my brother."

  He was chain-smoking right before her eyes.

  He went to light up the third one and Vivian took it out of him mouth. "What's wrong?"

  "Ah, can you give me that back please?"

  "Jake, you've had two—that's enough."

  "You gonna start mothering me now? Because if you are, I need you to remember, I had one, her name was Gert. She got me so far and once we reached that point, I took over from there—I think I've got it from here." He announced rather rudely.

  Suddenly gone quiet and staring up at him, Vivian handed him the cigarette back. "Sorry to disturb you." She turned to go back into the house when he rushed up behind her grabbing her arm to bring her back. "I'm sorry. That was uncalled for, I—"

  "No apology needed, you're right, I'm not your mother. In fact, from this moment forward, I will do all in my power to ignore the fact that my future husband may be that for only ten or more years if I'm lucky, because he'll be dying somewhere down the road from some type of cancer, courtesy of your precious cancer sticks. Excuse me, my presence is obviously exacerbating whatever your problem is."

  Jake held onto her and started laughing, "Take a breath and calm down. Can't believe you got all that out in one breath. Is that what I can expect every time I piss you off? Hm?"

  Vivian had her arms crossed over her breasts, glaring up at him in the dark. They heard someone come out of the house, Jake stepped back to see who, it was Shanna. Vivian took a deep breath and waited for him to finish speaking with her and then he turned back to her. She was still glowering at him. He shook his head, held up the cigarette, showing that it was unlit and put it back in the pack before her. "Happy now?" He asked after putting it away.

  "Maybe. I still think I should leave you alone. You know where to find me." She headed for the door again and this time he pulled her into his arms, wrapping them around her shoulders, pulling her close to him as he kissed her temple. "Don't be so ornery, I didn't mean it. Come on, stay out here with me." He held her, his face pressed close against hers. "Lil' girl, put your arms around me."

  Very slowly, Vivian complied.

  They stood, him with his arms around her and finally, she started hugging him back, holding him as tightly as he held her. They were shifting slowly back and forth from one foot to the other in a slight rocking motion, as if in a very slow dance. Vivian started rubbing his back, noticing that he was in no hurry to turn her loose. "What's wrong?" She finally whispered right beneath his ear.

  "Ohhh, same ole, same ole." He answered softly, still rocking her slowly.

  "What's the same ole, same ole?"

  "Ohhh, me—back on the bottom—again. It's no biggie, one would think I could accept that by now. You know, he will never see me, as his good son."

  "Talking about your dad?" Vivian asked, loving the gentle rocking as he held her.

  "Yeah, my dad."

  "Why? What do you mean, 'back on the bottom'?"

  He stopped the motion and leaned away to look down at her. "Put it this way, he would have been perfectly happy had it been just the other four, without me. His two sons and his two daughters…but me…I'm the one in the middle. The spare tire in the trunk, in case one of his good ones should go. Shawn did…out the trunk I came. Shawn's back and back into the trunk I go."

  Vivian stared up at him stunned, but then, how often had she thought that very same thing about herself with her family. Even so, she couldn't see Bart rejecting him and said what she felt in her heart, "Jake, your father loves you. It's just that, when you can't communicate how you feel, you go on believing this idea you've formed over the years. I know I did."

  "You think so, huh? That it's just a generation gap thing and that we just can't talk?"

  "Yes, I believe that's all it is."

  "Tell me something, the whole time you were there, give me one instance where he said something about me that was in praise; just one."

  Vivian opened her mouth to tell him one, searching her memory bank and couldn't remember one instance. In fact, the whole time she was there, if Jake came up from Bart it was to warn her about him. Telling her to use caution and asking her was she really sure that she wanted to be with, 'that one'. She didn't know what to say. Jake smiled, pulled her back into place and whispered, "It's okay—I'm use to it." He kissed her brow.

  Vivian held him and fell speechless.

  "And last night, you know what we talked about?" Vivian shook her head, remembering them out at the barn. "It was all about what a fool I'd be if I blew it with you. And he said, 'you marry her, she'll be leaving you in the next two years. I give it two years, tops'."

  "He said that?" Vivian asked, stunned.

  "That's what he said."

  "And what do you thi
nk?" She asked him.

  "The question is, more importantly, what do you think? According to my father, you're the one getting the raw deal."

  "First of all, this is not a poker game. And second, you've waited all this time, forme because I was meant for you. Just as you are meant for me. That's what I believe and no one, no matter what they say, is going to shake me from it. Now…tell me—what do you think?"

  Jake chuckled, "I think, it's a good thing you're so young and strong, you're going to need every bit of energy to keep up with me. That's what I think."

  Vivian chuckled, "I don't think I did such a bad job."

  "Nooo, lil' girl, not at all. Just remember—when you're doing that job—I'm the boss you're working for." He bent forward and kissed her nose, then down and kissed her lips, his intention a simple kiss, but it seemed to naturally linger. Pulling slightly away he asked, "Any chance of, uh…you doing a little work…tonight?"

  Vivian simpered, "Sorry, for the time being, I'm only putting in part-time hours. And that…only a couple days—maybe—out of the week. Tonight, uh…tonight's my night off." Vivian purred around his lips. Jake chuckled, "I see, so, uh, there's nothing I can say, to get you to…come in, on an off day—I promise to make it worth your while."

  "Em, em, emph, now now, Mr. McPherson, what would my union say about that?"

  "Damn unions, they're good for shit!"

  Vivian cracked up laughing and they turned together to walk around the garage towards the front of the house, holding hands, slow in their journey, Vivian asked, "Jake…"

  "Yeah?"

  "Where'd your dad and Shawn go?"

  They carried on with Jake contemplating his answer, "I don't know. I was just as surprised as Sylvia. But can we not talk about them? I'd rather we talked about us, our plans."

  "Okay, I'm always willing on that one."

  "I have to be back at work next week. I'll be staying in Chicago with you until Sunday, but I have to get back for work first thing early Monday. And, uh, Shawn and I have had a talk and he thinks I need to start thinking in terms of building my own business." He started as they took a seat on the front porch of Shawn and Sylvia's.

  "School will help with that, Jake, it's the best course towards that end."

  "Well, I haven't flushed the idea, I just need to start making money now, I mean, it's going to be expensive back and forth every weekend."

  "You could…" She chewed nervously on her bottom lip and finished saying, "…always just stay there, with me…and attend school in Chicago."

  "I don't have a job there, Vivian."

  "You should focus on school, Jake. Just think, if you went full-time, the quicker you'd be done."

  "And what exactly do I do in the meantime for money?" He asked watching her.

  "I could, I mean…I make good money."

  "Support me? While I go to school? That what you suggesting?"

  "Well…yeah."

  He shook his head, "Sorry—no chance."

  "Jake, you have to be reasonable."

  "No—chance! My dad already thinks I'm a loser, and if he were to find out that I'm living there on you, letting you support me? I'm fuckin' 39 years old! I'll be 40 in a few months, and I'm not about to be supported by my 28 year old fiancé! Leave me some kind of pride! I may not be a fuckin' doctor with six digits coming in, but I'm not stupid! I can damn well do what it takes to bring in more money if I need to. So—I'm telling you now, don't even bring that up again. No compromise on that at all, so leave off of it."

  "Jake! First of all, he doesn't have to know! Second, I don't think it's wise to start our relationship with either of us making hard and fast declarations, when we don't know what might come down the road that would cause a possible change in what we plan."

  "No."

  "How about, we'll see?"

  "How about you seein' my ass say 'NO'!"

  "You know what? You're set in your ways!"

  "Well there's a reason, I'm—"

  "I know! You're 39 going on 50!"

  "Hey! Don't rush it! 40 is coming soon enough!"

  Vivian was sitting with her elbow on her knee and her chin perched on the heel of her hand, looking towards Shanna's, shaking her head and praying for patience, making an attempt to ignore him long enough to cool down. "I don't wanna talk about it anymore." She decided and announced.

  "Ah, finally—we agree."

  She was feeling at her wits end already. She knew that if he was working a full time job, there was no way he would take the time to study for school. Education was the key as far as she was concerned. It didn't matter how good he was at what he did, he needed to be armed with knowledge that would keep him from making errors that could be costly in building a new business. Working for a bank, she knew first hand how many pursued their dream of running their own business, invested more money than they should have, while lacking knowledge on exactly what it took to strategically compete in a market already saturated. Insight was a must. Economics, marketing and management in business must be fully understood and grasped.

  "Hey?" Jake called to her, he put his arm around her to bring her closer to him, she turned to look at him. "What?"

  "Ah, baby, come on, we only have a few days together, we don't need to spend it fighting."

  "Am I fighting with you?"

  "You got a face on."

  "I have a face on everyday."

  Jake exhaled, "Vivian, stop being difficult. You can't always have your way in everything and if you think you'll be having your way all the time with me, you can forget it."

  It was too much; she stood from the porch and walked off across the front lawn, leaving him there. "Vivian! Don't walk away from me!" He shouted. She kept going. Jake stood from the porch steps and started off after her, walking and yelling, "This isn't going to work either, you know!" He stated, keeping her in sight. "Vivian! I said I would consider school, and I will, but I have bills to pay! You cannot afford to pay my bills and yours too!"

  Vivian turned, walking backwards, 25 feet between them, "I can carry the load for eighteen months, Jake! Eighteen months! That's all I ask!" She yelled back and turned back to walking to Shanna's. "What can I get accomplished in eighteen months!"

  "Plenty!" She yelled back, "There are business courses, you know!"

  "WILL YOU STOP WALKING?!"

  "NO! You're hard-headed! Stubborn! Stuck on two numbers! 39 & 40! Letting what other people say to you keep you from striving for better! For more! I'm not saying I expect to support us for the rest of our lives! But just until you are equipped to lay a sound foundation for what you wish to build on it!" She turned back again and stepped up on Shanna's porch and entered it going in. "Shanna! It's me, Vivian."

  "I know, I heard you coming down the road." She laughed, coming out of her bedroom with her kitten, its litter box and sleeper. She'd called Sylvia and asked if it was alright to bring it over with her and Sylvia had said yes. She was getting ready to head over.

  "You two at it again?" She simpered. Vivian rolled her eyes, obviously exasperated as she headed for their room. Shanna went out the door to face her brother coming in. She smiled up at him, "Let's face it, Jake, how do you argue with what's right?" Shanna asked smartly.

  "She-e-et up." He griped, holding the door open for her to go out.

  Shanna only giggled as she stepped off of her porch to see Angela and Mundo outside, coming to meet her. Angela was all teeth, excited to hear about a kitten.

  Jake closed the door, locking it for the night, knowing she'd be staying there. He walked to the refrigerator hungry again and was looking through it when he stood straight and yelled down the hall, "HEY! HERE—I want ya! Fix me something to eat!"

  Vivian came out of the back room with her arms crossed over her breasts, looking at him as if he'd lost his mind. "I know you ain't callin' me like that?"

  "What? I'm hungry!"

  "Oh, you are, are you? And you don't know how to say, 'Excuse me, Vivian, would you mind fixing somethi
ng, I'm hungry'?"

  "That's what I said!"

  "Oh, no you did not! You yelled, 'HEY! Here! I want ya! Fix me something to eat'!"

  "Same thing." He informed her, walking away from the refrigerator to the sofa sitting down, he grabbed the remote to the TV and turned it on, untying his shoes to take off. Vivian stood there and stared at him once again as if he had lost his mind. Her silence caused him to look from the TV to her. "I'm hungry!" He said again.

  Vivian clamped her open mouth shut and went to the refrigerator, fighting back some choice words. Bent over in it, she tried to do an internal examination of her mind, trying to find it because obviously she'd lost it. "What do you wanna eat?" She asked, still looking.

  "Food."

  She stood with the door open looking at him as he flicked through channels, "Whatkind of food, Jake?"

  "Good food. Something I'll like, hot and filling, I'm hungry." He laid back on the sofa, tucking the pillow cushion there under his head. Obviously without a care to continue what they had been discussing. Vivian stood staring at him and suddenly her mind shot forward into the future. They were in a trailer home, he was sitting on a recliner, with a pot belly holding a beer can, his stinky feet smelling up the house, covered in sawdust from head to foot, in his work clothes, while she stood where she was now, in her banking clothes after picking up their one or two from day care and having to fix dinner.

  Breaking her from her day dream was him tilting his head back on the pillow to look back at her, "Pass me a beer!"

  RUN VIVIAN—RUN—FOR—YOUR—LI-I-IFE! Her mind screamed. She sighed, looked into the refrigerator, grabbed a beer and walked it to him, passing it to him, remaining quiet. "That's a good lil' girl—now get me something to eat." He mumbled flicking until he found The Simpson's.