"That's something I'll never have to worry about, mother, you—silent? A week? Haven't you tried that before? Once or twice? Seems I remember it an' you didn't last out the day." He braved further and it was true. When Gert had something to say, it came out. One thing she knew never to enter into, and that was a quiet contest, with the object being not to say a word for 24 hours…guaranteed, she'd be the first contestant out.
"Bartholomew, I'll thank you kindly not to bait me. 'Sides, whatever would you do if you couldn't hear my sweet voice, giving your ear a good ringing?" She teased.
He only grinned more, gazing down at her, then leaned towards her for a kiss. "I'd say, its been a while since you've given my ear a good ringing." He insinuated, pressing his lips to her brow, and then down to her cheek, "What you think?"
Gert grinned, "Bartholomew - are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting?"
"I'm supposing I am, its been a while, can't let too much time drift by, you liable to think I've lost my touch." He murmured, then kissed closer to her mouth. "Well?" He asked.
Gert stared at him a moment, and for the life of her, there was no way she could go in that house with him, lie with him, make love, knowing they had a child missing - so to speak. She sighed, "As much as I would like that, I'm afraid we have a problem Bart, and I need to tell you about it."
Bart stared at her a moment then nodded as if to say she had his full attention.
"I don't know where, to begin." She sighed, then said, "Kathy Ann is missing, and I don't know if she's even alright." She stated.
Bart stared a moment, then asked, "What do you mean, missing? Or if she's alright?"
Gert unfolded her legs and stood from the swing walking to the porch rail, looking out at the stars in the sky. With no possible way to ease into it, she turned to Bart, "You remember years back, when Kathy Ann was about 14, the problem I told you there was with her?"
"Now Gert you know with that one, there was always something or the other; refresh my memory."
Gert stared a moment, silent, and finally, "She - had a crush on Shawn - her brother."
Stunned by the topic, and the possible direction it might be heading, Bart grumbled, "I know who Shawn is Gert - I'm not completely senile yet."
"See - you're startin' already - you always get on the defense about the girls."
"What's something from that far back - got to do with today? You not knowing where she is? If she's alright?"
"She's never gotten over it Bart."
Bart sat while his eyes adjusted to focus on her face, as his mind worked to focus on what she was saying, still uncertain, he asked, "What do you mean?"
"Just what I said. She's never gotten over it. She's never moved on."
"She's married with children!" He reminded her.
"That marriage has been nothing but a cover since she entered into it. She was miserable - always been miserable. She drinks like a fish Bart! And believe me, the one who's had to pay for it is Dwight."
"He's never complained to me, never said a word." Bart returned.
"You're her father! He's not going to. Why you think he stays away from the family get-to-gethers? You ask me, I say the man's a saint for staying with her as long as he did."
"He married her, he was supposed to."
"Oh Bart please! The man deserves some peace and happiness. He's gone, he took Jason and they've moved to Wyoming, left this morning. Your granddaughter is now living with that gay, gothic rooster - shacked up - pregnant with her life on its way down the drain."
"You blaimin' my Kathy Ann for that?!"
"Bart, this may be hard for you to believe - but she's no angel."
He shot to his feet retaliating, "Not so hard to believe, look at her mother!"
Gert should have seen it coming, 40 years of marriage to him should have prepared her. "You bastard! You've thrown that at me one time too many!" Gert stormed past him into the house. Bart turned and immediately followed her, regretting once again, his words - but it was hard biting his tongue at times like these. "What are you doing? Where you going?"
She was heading up the stairs with him behind her, "I don't need this from you Bart. I'm trying to tell you about your daughter, her problems and all you can find it in you to do is blame me! No dammit - I was no angel! When you found out I wasn't, you didn't have to stay with me! You didn't have to marry me! I didn't force you, but you did! I should have known, no matter what I did - how hard I worked to try and make it right, nothing would!" She went on, at the closet, taking out a case.
"Hang on here! Don't get carried away!" He rasped, wishing he could kick himself.
"No! I'm fed up with it Bart!" She tossed down the case and turned to him, boiling, "Believe you me - I've paid for not being that angel you so wanted! My son's paid! Paid - in - full!"
"Don't bring that into it!" He tried to stop her.
"Ohhhhh no! Heaven forbid that you be forced to face what you've done! Heaven forbid that! Well he's what this is about! Whether you like it or not! And I'm gonna tell you something else Bartholomew - if you think - I've gotten to this point in my life - where I have to endure - bein' repeatedly hit over the head with what I did - every time you feel justified in defending - whatever - by throwing in my face how righteous you are - you've got another think coming! Jesus Jr. - you can kiss - my ass!" She blasted heatedly.
"That's a mean thing to say to your husband Gertrude." He calmly pointed out.
"Think that's mean?!" Gert asked to prepare him, she thrust her fist into the air at him, slamming the opposite hand into her elbow. To add emphasis to the gestured insult, 'Up yours!' she popped her middle finger up at him from that same fist.
The phone rang.
Bart decided she needed to calm down, he rushed grabbing the phone off the stand, and before she could figure on what he was doing, he darted back towards the door, took the skeleton key out of their bedroom door and closed her in, locking it. Gert had stood stunned, and then ran to the door, banging on it. "BARTHOLOMEW! YOU LET ME OUTA THIS ROOM!!!"
He made his way down the stairs out of ear shot of her screaming and into his study, answering the phone after the third ring as he did. "Hello?"
"Daddy?"
"Young lady - where are you?"
It was Kathy Ann, he could tell that she was upset, sounding as if she'd been crying.
"Daddy, I - I don't - know what to do." She gasped.
"Talk to daddy, what don't you know to do? Where are you pum'kin? Tell daddy, I'll come and get you."
"No. I - I don't want you - I don't want you to daddy. I'm - okay - okay daddy? I'm okay. Tha's - that's all - I'm okay ... just wan' you to know daddy - I'm okay. Don't wan' you - to worry daddy - don't worry okay?" She slurred, obviously intoxicated.
"Now, lil'girl - you listen t'me. I need to come get you-..."
"No. Daddy - daddy - I - I don't want you to. No - I'm - too - too ashame daddy. If you knew - if you knew. He won't..." She sucked in and whimpered, and went on to say, "... - he won't - even - look at me no more daddy." She starting weeping into the phone, sniffing, gasping.
"Who won't look at you?" Bart asked low.
She was sobbing softly, Bart could hear how she was crying, knew how his daughter's cried, he wiped his hand over his face, nervous, "Kathy Ann? Now you let your daddy come get you."
"I - I never - meant to - to hurt nobody. I'm - I'm so ashame o'myself daddy... so ashame. He hates me now - he hates me - I can't stand the thought - of'em hatin' me. I'm - I done - so many - bad - bad things daddy - if - if you knew - if you knew - you - you would hate me too."
"That's nonsense, I'ah never hate my lil'girls. Never... you hear me."
"You say that daddy - 'cause you don't know - you don't know what I done. If you knew - you'ah never forgive me."
"I'ah forgive you anything. I should'ah watched you closer. Paid more attention to you. Not left everything to your mother, with you and Shanna."
"You did daddy... you were the best - to me
and Shanna ... you were the best daddy. But - you - you didn't - daddy, not to Shawn. You - you didn't do Shawn right daddy - why you do'em so bad? Huh? Why you do'em so bad daddy? He - he done the best he could - he - you - you shouldn't've done him like you did - daddy. I love you so much, I just - never could figure it - why daddy - you know - you - you shouldn't have." She sniffed.
Bart dug his fingers into his moistening eyes, choked up, he couldn't speak.
"I'm so - so confused - sometimes - daddy. She - she tell you - 'bout me? She tell you?"
"Look - just - come home okay? You need to be here, at home - with your daddy - I'ah take care o'you pum'kin."
"I'm a grown woman - daddy."
"No - to me - you always be - my lil'girl - now - come on home now ... just - tell me where you are, you know I'll come and get you."
"Daddy - I can't-..."
"Please... we'll work it out. You and I. Let me come where you are, I'll get you."
"No daddy ... there's too much this time. You can't fix this - you can't - fix this. I - I just don't - want you worrying. I got no body left, to love me - you know that daddy? No body but you. Don't never want you to stop - loving me."
"As if I could pum'kin ... please - come home let me take care of you."
"I'm gonna go now."
"Where lil'girl? Where you going? Please let me come for you?"
"Daddy - please - I need to - find a place - for me." She stopped, was whimpering, then paused, Bart could hear that she was taking another drink. She was quiet, for a moment, he thought she might have dozed off, and then she started again saying, "Only thing - is - there really - ain't no place, for nobody like me."
"Listen to me lil'girl ... you listenin'?" Bart coaxed softly.
"Mm hm."
"The good lord, has made a place, for everybody. He wouldn't make it no other way."
"What about - somebody - daddy? Does the lord - make - somebody - for er'body? Even someone - like me? I want somebody daddy - somebody for me - but - I want - somebody - just - like - him. I - I wish - he never come back here ... I wish he never come back - now - that he is - I - wish - I was dead." Crying softly again.
Bart felt his chest fill until it hurt, "You don't mean that. He's home - where he belongs. And I'm gonna come there and pick you up, and you'll be fine once you're here with me."
"You don't think - I'm - wicked daddy? Sinful?"
"Ain't a man, nor woman alive - without sin. Not you, not me, not your mama - no one. You no more wicked, than the next. It ain't never a sin, to love. Cain, married his sister; so how can it be wicked? Times is changed is all pum'kin. There ain't no need - no more, for us to do as was once done. There's ample people about - men - remember - way back long time ago, when we talked?"
"Yes daddy."
"It true Kathy Ann. With all the men in the world - there's one - made perfect - for you. What I didn't - say back then, but I'm gone say now is this. Your mama is right, in - that - it don't make no difference, what a man looks like on the outside, long as - he's a good man - on the inside. Long as - he right for you. Nothing else matter - just as long - as he a man. All that matter - is - if he make you happy. The lord - made us all - human. If he human - well - then, that's good enough. You hear me?"
She sniffed.
"I'm coming for you now, so - where are you?"
"I'll call you daddy. Let you - know - I'm okay."
"You know - I can't stand the thought - you out there alone."
"I just need - to - get away on my own - a bit ... just for a bit."
"What about Jenny Lee? Kathy Ann, Dwight's gone, took Jason with him your momma says."
Kathy Ann went quiet a spell then said, "Took him long enough. It was time. Don't know why he stuck as long as he did. I tried with him, daddy I tried. I wanted - so much - to love him - I had them babies for him, didn't I - right away. It was a mistake - I couldn't bring myself to love'em though. Didn't even like'em - half the time - but - he was there - always there. He was a good daddy to them kids, I can say that about him. He'll - take good care of Jason."
"And your daughter, Jenny Lee? What about her, Kathy Ann?"
"I can't - I can't - daddy I can't - I don't wanna be - nobodies momma. My heads - just spinnin' - and I just don't - I'on wanna think about her. 'Sides, she got her own life now."
"Kathy Ann McPherson - she just a young girl! She's your child - you need to be seeing about her."
"Daddy I seen about her - when she couldn't see about herself. When she was a baby, a lil'girl. She ain't no baby no more - she a big girl now, 'bout to have a baby of'ver'on. She can take care of herself, now." She hiccuped.
"Kathy Ann, you can't take care of yourself half the time, your age - how is she, only 16?!" Bart was starting to show his first displeasure in her. "Kathy Ann McPherson, you pull yourself together! You hear me? I'm telling you now - regret is one helluva a thing to live with! When what's done is done - you can't go back! You cannot undo it! All the sorries - in the world - don't fix it. Don't make her resent you!"
"Aaah daddy - she aught to be happy. Least - I give her life. You know, see - least, I give Jason life. What about that - huh? Least I did that - for them. Some; one - didn't even get that - daddy. What about that? You just don't know daddy - you just - don't know. I love you dadeee - I love you sooo much." She hung up.
Bart sat holding the phone. His head spinning. Wondering what she meant by that. He sat for a few minutes, his life passing with blinding speed, right before his eyes. Not his entire life, just the parts where he'd been wrong. Just the parts, that may have been the cause, of all the things going wrong with his children today. He sat a few minutes more, then stood, finally remembering that he'd locked his wife upstairs in their bedroom. With the slowness of an old man starting to feel his age, he ascended them. All the faces of his children flashing in his mind. Them as babies. Young children. Kids. Teenagers. Young men and women. Now - adults - all with children of their own. Except for Shanna. Right then at that moment, as he made his way up those stairs, at the same time that his heart beat with the knowledge that he loved all of his children, with every pulse surging through him. Yet, at the same time, he wish he'd been made sterile. He wished, that it hadn't been possible to have children.
He was tired. He stood at the door, knowing that on the other side, was his angry, fiery wife. He still had her to deal with. This crazy notion of hers, that she was leaving him. He'd invested 40 some odd years with this woman - tired or not - he hadn't come this far, to be an old tired man and alone. He slipped the key in the hole and unlocked the door, stepping slowly into their bedroom.
There she sat, on their bed, looking up at him.
"How dare you, Bartholomew - lock me in here!"
Discarding her words, he said instead, "That was your daughter, Kathy Ann. That young lady ... in a bad way. She been drinkin' ... again. Cryin' her eyes out. She won't come home. Won't tell me where she is."
"I tried to tell you that - but you were too busy - insulting me. Taking your revenge."
Bart stood staring at his wife. Both were silent at that moment. He finally ambled over, and sat down next to her. He reached over, with his very large hand, rough, veiny, calloused, strong - and grabbed her smaller hand, holding onto it. She tried to pull hers away, but he wasn't releasing it. Gert gave up the fight quickly, knowing the gesture futile. He was an old man, but he was still strong as they came.
There they sat.
Five minutes must have passed, with neither saying a word. Gert could hear her husband's struggle. He was gulping back moisture. She looked over to see his Adams apple bobbing from trying to choke back the tremendous lump in his throat. "You know what mother?" He finally asked.
"What Bartholomew?"
"When the lord says, you must forgive - and - forget - you best mind him. You best mind him."
Gert stared at him, not sure of his meaning, "Don't know what you mean." She stated simply.
"He say, you can't forgive, 'less you forg
et. I said, to the Lord ... 'I'll forgive her - but I won't forget.'" Bart looked down at Gert then. "I wanted you more - than life itself. I loved you Gertrude - I loved you - so much, and - you broke my heart. You broke my heart." He gulped, fighting back hurt and anguish. Gert felt her eyes fill with tears, tried to pull her hand from him, but he wouldn't let it go.
"I wanted to - damn you - curse you - forget you! I tried. There I was off to Vietnam - and - I tried. I - met a lil, sweet thing - and - I decided, that - I would have her. She had young ones - and - I said - I would take her - over you. Because she was - what she had no choice else to be. No deceit found in her. I loved her. I thought - I thought - with her - I'll be able - to forget you. And - they killed her, while I was away - doing security maneuvers. They, my brothers - in arms; the infantry I was in, raped, beat, and killed her. Her daughters, her son. I - have never hated anything - or anyone - more since that. I hate, everything - there is about - war - and all the so called men - who can stand and look you in the eye - after doing such a thing. I went berserk, they sent me home. I saw you then, standing by my bed - holding this infant, you swore was mine. When you knew - you'd been with another. You're right. I could have told you, right then, right there - get away from me." Bart glanced at her. Gert didn't look away, she faced him; her eyes spilling tears. "I didn't, because my father said - I was beholden to you. I could have fought him. I didn't - because I didn't want to. Looking at you, standing there by my bedside, I wanted you - still. And the child you held, I thought - I was willing to have a woman with three - not mine. Therefore, I could see no reason not to take this one - whom I thought - not mine. Right then, I said to Lord,'I'll have her - I'll forgive her - but I'll never forget.'"
Bart sniffed, and wiped his eyes and face with his free hand, unwilling to let go of his wife's hand. He held it, and squeezed it, not to hurt - it was a gesture, a plea to her, not to let go. "I was wrong Gertrude. Not to forget. I was wrong, to harbor what I did. I was wrong - making you pay. I was wrong - making my son - pay. Even if - he had been - Edwin Piercey's son - I would have been wrong. No matter. When the Lord tells you - how to do things - you best listen. You don't change his instructions - to make it more suitable - to you. Just to, sooth your pride. That's what I did - Gertrude. With my own sins - so great - I could not - let you - laugh - talk - be happy - so you - forget - what you done to me. I had to keep reminding you - because what I done - been coming back to haunt me - everyday that came and went - when, I couldn't find my son. Didn't know where he was. Knowing, I was the reason, he wouldn't come back home. Shanna left - 'cause Shawn left. Look what happen to her. Derrick left, you think he would have set up house closer to us-..."
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