BOMAW 7-9

by Mercedes Keyes

  Dean for once was going to remain quiet and so was Stephanie.

  Traffic was tied up and they had to stop several times, one time they were stopped for a few moments.

  Jake turned to look at Vivian. She glanced at him as well, remaining quiet. He reached in his jacket pocket and pulled out her ring, holding it up for her to see.

  "Gimme your hand." He commanded gently.

  She lifted it for him, he slide the ring back on.

  She exhaled, her eyes filled with tears, she looked away from him out of her window, bringing her hand back to her lap.

  "Dean..."

  Dean was quick to respond following his and Stephanie's glance to one another. "Yes Jake?"

  "A woman, will drive a man to drink."

  "I know Jake, that's why I ain't got one!"

  "You ain't got one 'cause you gay!" Stephanie corrected him grinning.

  Jake chuckled, Dean rolled his eyes at her. "I guess they can't help themselves, it's what they do. They gotta have something to do, driving a man to drink seems to be the top activity on the list." He went on, grinning, eying Stephanie who could not let him get away with that.

  "What about what men do to drive us crazy?" Stephanie fought back stating.

  "Ya'll asses is already crazy, can't drive you where you already at!" Dean pointed out.

  And the two in the back seat began bickering between them. Jake stayed pretty much out of it. As he drove, he glanced at Vivian sitting there, head turned, staring out of her window. She was quietly crying, he knew that. He wanted to console her. He didn't want her crying. He sucked in a powerful cleansing breath and knew that he would have to drop her friends off before he could really deal with her. They were arguing so much and he knew something had to give. Part of him knew, that he would have to give a little and so would she. They were both so volatile and passionate. Certainly with their own load of baggage.

  In a blur, it seemed in no time they were at the point of dropping Dean and Stephanie off.

  Jake was the one that stepped out for them, he wouldn't bother Vivian, even though she was willing to say goodbye to them as they took off for their train. Jake jumped back in and headed them in direction to her home. He wanted to grab her hand, hold it, squeeze it, thought against it and next thing he knew, he couldn't resist, he reached down and took her hand in his, holding it gently, his thumb gently caressing her knuckles. She sniffed.

  "I guess we need to talk huh?" He started out.

  She nodded, still looking out of her window.

  "Why didn't you call me last night?" She asked softly.

  "Because, I was drunk out of my goddamn mind. I was feeling mean, angry, lots of things. Every time I felt the need to call you, I drank some more instead."

  "I see. Does that mean with everything else happening with us, we'll now be adding alcoholism to the list?"

  Jake went quiet, ran his hand over his hair, scratching his scalp and then cupped the back of his neck, sighing.

  She looked up at his profile and then away with him suddenly gone quiet. She went quiet as well.

  There must have been fifteen minutes went by with them quiet when he finally asked, "Want me to stop and pick up something to eat?"

  "No, what you cooked yesterday is still there. I put it away last night, it looked pretty good."

  "Okay." He returned.

  Back to silence.

  On the radio, a Rod Stewart song came on, "Broken Arrow" Jake had always loved that song, something about it haunted him, long before he knew of a Vivian Cooke. Now that she sat next to him, extra meaning was felt hearing it.

  Vivian couldn't believe that song was playing on the radio right now. It had always been one of her favorites by him. She often dreamed of herself dancing to that song in a long floral pastel dress, envisioning herself in a field of high grass and wild flowers. Now, hearing it, even more so, dancing right into the arms of this man. The one who right now, sat quietly next to her, thinking of, only God knew what. Like the song asks, "Do you feel what I feel, can we make it so it's part of the deal..."

  They kept their silence this time, listening to the song together, as if they each needed the other to hear it while Rod went on to sing, "...we have mountains to climb...-... there you go, turning my whole world around..." until he pulled up in front of her place. Vivian looked at her home and sucked in surprised. He'd finished what he started. He'd done all the front windows, upstairs and down, as well her door frame and it looked wonderful. Her steps were fixed, and the wrought iron was painted as well. Her lawn was cut, all the edges trimmed, and the bushes shaped neatly. Her windows, the glass panes, clean as could be.

  "I finished it. You like it? Is it okay?"

  He sounded like a little boy trying so hard to please, almost afraid she might not be.

  "It looks incredible. I am so proud, wow."

  "Good, I'll get started on the back as well, may not finish it this time, but I can next weekend."

  She looked at him, giving him a sad smile, "Okay."

  He jumped out of his side and trotted to her door, opening it for her. Together they stepped up to her front door, the neighbors from across the way watching them, noting them as a couple. They'd been watching him all day, the older ones at home. Watching him clean up and beautify her yard while she was at work. Already the two were grains for the gossip mill. The new interracial couple across way, referred to as, "That black gal and her cowboy."

  Both of them entered the house with what they needed to say on their minds. Jake reached back, locked the door, securing it, placing the chain. He wasn't leaving there any time soon that evening, that he was determined on. He walked towards the dining room behind her, laying his hat on the table there, and then followed her into her room.

  Vivian's stomach was tied up in knots as she entered her bedroom, knowing that Jake followed her.

  Laying her things down, she turned to see him standing by the closet, he'd opened it. Standing there, his hand held the bottom of her zebra print dress, now hanging back in her closet. She looked from it up to him and then back again.

  "I ah, went back - today. Just so happened, they get so many bags dropped off, they wouldn't have gotten to this one until - next week sometime. Everything is here, you can check. Some of its a bit wrinkled, sorry about that."

  She was speechless, didn't know what to say. Funny thing was, she didn't even care that he'd brought them back, in fact, she wished he hadn't.

  "Don't you wanna come and look, see if its all here?" He asked. Wondering why she stood so silent.

  Vivian shook her head, then said, "No." Very softly.

  "Well, I've got something to say to you, okay?" Jake went on.

  She nodded next.

  He took a deep breath, he'd thought about so many things the previous night while writing the new song, it still had some parts that he needed to work out because of its strong content. No doubt it would offend some if not many. He didn't care, he would finish it and perform that song one day, if it was the last thing he did. For now, the lady that inspired it.

  "Vivian, you know - you could have done better than me. I know that, you know that. Even so, you chose me. You swore to me, that no one, would love me the way that you love me, well - because you said you were for me I felt it was true; the reason I can't stay away from you. I left last night thinking, screw it, I'm not coming back here again. She gave me the ring back, that's it. She had her say, that I would reduce her, to common trailer-..."

  "Jake wait... I didn't-..."

  "No... now let me finish. I'm going to get this out now."

  She went silent, biting her lip to keep quiet.

  "I want you to know something ... I love you - Vivian Cooke. I love you so much, there is no way on this earth, I could just stand by - and let someone call you, a nigger."

  Vivian sucked in hearing him say it.

  "Just as I could not stand by and let someone else say that to you, or about you ... I love you so much, not even I - would ref
er to you in such a hurtful way. I would never call you such a thing. Yet you say you love me and to you, I'm common poor white trailer trash - basically, the equivalent meaning of a nigger."

  "No you're not! You're not! I so hate that I said that to you! When I get angry, when I fight, I don't fight fare! Yesterday, I handled that whole scenario wrong, I know I did. I'm so sorry for saying what I did to you and for tossing my ring at you and telling you what I did. I didn't - mean it."

  They were both staring across the room at each other, thinking.

  "Vivian, I've never been with a woman so beautiful as you. I've never seen, a woman, more beautiful than you. Not ever. I ah, have never dated women overly attractive because well, I never wanted to deal with other men and all the bullshit that comes with it. Men are jerks you know? Assholes. I don't care what one tells you, the majority of us has only one thing on our minds, finding a woman that will let us fuck her."

  Vivian sucked in and covered her mouth.

  "I'm gonna shock you sweety, and tell you like it is. Most men read women, like a scholar reads a book. How a woman dresses, moves, conducts herself gives us a law of average on what we might have to do to get her to let us fuck her. That's it. That's it in the nutshell. We test the waters of any woman we find attractive, but how she responds gives us an idea of what we're up against. I'm not going into all the ins and outs of it, because its too long, twisted and convoluted. My point is this, I don't want any man looking at you dressed in a way that gives him thoughts of a 50-50 chance you're wearing a code that if he cracks it, you'll let him fuck you. There is certain clothing, that says just that to me. You have a few of them in this closet. I talked to Shawn last night, he was right. I had no business doing what I did. I'm sorry. I'm not going to lie to you Vivian, if you wear any of it, I'm going to be pissed off in a major way. If you continue to insist upon wearing it, then we both may have to conclude that we don't really match after all. I'm never going to change the way I feel about it, not ever. I suppose before I put that ring back on your finger, we should have had this talk."

  Jake looked down from her, at the floor.

  "I may not amount to much, yet - but I know what I want. I know that I want you. I may not be the best there is but I damn sure want the best there is when its time to get serious about it. I don't ever want you wearing things that say otherwise. You're young, you're wanted. You don't have to settle for me. If you do, choose to stay with me, then you have to accept my wishes on this matter, that's that."

  He turned from her, going out her door, "I'll let you get undressed." He pulled her door to and went into the other room.

  Vivian began getting undressed. As usual, she went to her closet, moving things aside to hang up her suit. She changed into the sundress that Shanna gave her because it was a warm day and a Friday. She then went through her closet and removed what she felt was pushing it a bit. Not as much as he removed, because some things could be worn with others to make it more presentable. She then set her super tight dresses, the red dress, the zebra dress and a couple of others on the back rack until she figured out what she would do with them. They were too expensive to just hand over to goodwill. Having looked through her things, she realized that she did have an awful lot of clothes. Many of which, very nice things that he hadn't touched, that he must like. She had liked them too because she bought them after all and yet to wear them. She had been in there for a little over a half an hour when he poked his head back in and saw a stack of clothing on her bed.

  "Can you leave off of that and come here?" He asked taking her by the arm and pulling her from the room into the living-room with him. He had his boots off, the t.v. on, sitting down he pulled her onto his lap.

  "What's wrong, you okay? I'm cleaning the closet out, getting rid of some of it, I-..."

  "I just want you to sit here with me a bit, okay? Just for a bit, then you can go back and get done." He stated.

  Vivian looked down at him, really looked at him, into his face, his eyes ... something was wrong, she could see it. Something that had nothing to do with them.

  "What's wrong? Is it me? Is it us? Something else you wanna tell me?" She asked just in case she was wrong.

  "I just like, holding you. I like you here, close to me." He informed her with a sad smile, pulling her closer up against him so that he could feel her against his chest, where he squeezed. "You smell good." He murmured at her neck, not kissing her there, he'd just laid his forehead there, nestled in there. In fact, he hadn't kissed her once. He hadn't tried to take her to bed. He hadn't stayed in the room while she undressed. The closest referral he made to sex was in his telling her why he didn't like certain items of her clothing.

  Vivian wrapped her arm around his back and began stroking his hair against his temple, slowly, softly kissing his forehead. Gentle, small pecks to sooth him, comfort him, love him. "Jake, something is wrong? Why are you holding me so tight?" She could feel a change in his chest, as if he were taking several deep breaths, yet trying to control them. "Jake? Baby...? What?"

  "He chose - he chose - Sh - Shawn. He chose him, over me. Over me ... all this time-..."

  "Jake?" Vivian took his head in hands but he wouldn't bring his face up so she could see it. Then she felt definite moisture against her skin, on her neck.

  "Oh baby... oh baby... what is going on? Baby please... tell me. Oh my god, Jake? What the..." He squeezed her tighter, held on and began sobbing, deep, hoarse, holding her against him. Vivian wrapped her arms around him and held on, shocked beyond belief. Her chest was soaking wet, she had to turn and lean back to grab the Kleenex box off of her coffee table, no choice but to pull him with her. Once she had it, "Sit back baby, sit back." He pulled her back onto the sofa. She took out three and forced his chin up, head back and wiped his red face, his tears, even his nose. "Blow your nose baby."

  He was sucking in, leaned back, took the Kleenex and did as she told him. Trying to breath and get himself under control. She took out more and wiped his face, he was sweating. She snatched out more and dabbed at her soaked chest.

  "I'm - I'm sorry." He gasped, his head back, red face covered with his hands, one of them hanging onto the Kleenex as his Adams apple bobbed up and down.

  "Don't say you're sorry to me. You never have to say you're sorry because you're hurting. Now come on, tell me what's wrong." Vivian urged, she went to slide off of his lap and he grabbed her, "No... stay here. Don't move, don't leave me right now."

  "I'm not going anywhere baby. Here, let me sit this way then." She leaned up and pulled one leg over and straddled his lap. The position was extremely intimate, but sex was the last thing on either of their minds. Yet, once she pulled her dress up her thighs to sit on his lap that way, he grabbed her hips and pulled her as far up his groin as he could get her. He leaned his long body back, sliding himself downward which would make her have to lean laying over him. He was now comfortable, his head on the back of the sofa, staring into her eyes as she continued wiping at a few of his tears still rolling.

  "Now, better?" She asked.

  He nodded looking at her with tear pink eyes.

  "Tell me, who chose Shawn?"

  He was busy sniffing, fighting down more hurt before he answered, then finally, "My son. He's ... he's my son Vivian. He's ... he's always been my - my son. After a while, I - I forgot, that he might be, Shawn's."

  "Who Jake?"

  He sniffed, took a deep breath again and then, "Benjamin. Benjamin was my son ... mine! I know I wasn't a really good father to them Vivian but that doesn't mean I didn't love'em. Him! I guess its what I deserve. I mean, its not like I didn't know it, you know? I mean, I even told Shawn. I was being, noble you see. Magnanimous and all that shit! Telling Shawn that hey, yeah, by the way ... he's your kid, I took care of him while you were gone. Fuck!"

  She wiped more tears with her fingers, stroking his bristly cheeks, listening as he spoke, looking off at nothing, maybe remembering things.

  "So ... is he ... Shawn's son?"


  "Yeah, I'm pretty sure he is. See I'm getting mine back now. I fucked Shawn over, now - it's my turn. When it comes back, that tenfold is a motherfucker let me tell you! Because all Shawn lost, was a good for shit girl and his pride ... me ... I'm ... I'm -..."

  "Aaaah baby, come on..."

  "I'm losing my fucking son Vivian.... my son... he doesn't even fuckin' want me man ... that shit - hurts - like hell." He laid his head back and tried to calm himself down. "Fuck'em you know!"

  "You don't mean that Jake."

  "Yeah I do. I'll show their asses. I'll show'em all! Me, I'm gonna be somebody one fuckin' day. He'll want me then. I'll be good enough then for'im to want me for his father. But he'll have Shawn. Who wasn't even - fuckin' here! Tell me Vivian, how does that happen?! He just brings his ass in from L.A. and everything just falls into place for him? At least I was here! If those boys called me, I would go to them Vivian."

  "I believe you baby, I know."

  "I'm gonna show'em ... you'll see. I'll show you too dammit! You're not settlin' for no poor white trash!"

  "Jake! I told you I was sorry."

  "Prove it then! Have my babies! I want girls. Two little girls. Just give me them. I'll be happy then. Don't want no damn boys, disloyal, ungrateful sons of bitches!" He thought about what he said and burst out laughing.

  "Jake you know yo'ass crazy as hell!"

  "Maybe! Crazy or not, I know what I want. I want you, I want me two little girls. My girls will love me. My mother, my sisters, women ... always have wanted me. But I want you and two perfect beautiful little girls, looking like their mama. Loving me, showering me with kisses, calling me, daddy daddy daddy. By my side all the time. My little girls, they'll never leave me. I'm not sure how I'm gonna do it, but I'll be able to spoil them so they'll never leave my side. And you'll have your nice things, your big home, your fancy clothes-..."