Behind Her Smile

by Rosemary Hines

  “Madison, listen to me. When I was your age, I felt the same way you do. Really. And even if I weren’t your mother, I’d be looking at a beautiful young lady right now.”

  She’s just saying that to make me feel better. What’s she supposed to do? Agree with me? she thought. “Okay. Whatever,” Madison replied. “I’ll come down and set the table,” she added, hoping to change the subject.

  Michelle reached over and gently tipped Maddie’s head so they were looking eye-to-eye. “Luke won’t be gone forever. And believe me, he thinks you are beautiful, too.”

  Tears threatened again as Madison felt her chest tighten at the mention of Luke’s name. Afraid her emotions would come tumbling out if she said anything, she simply nodded, forced a smile, and gave her mom a hug. Then they both stood and headed downstairs.

  As Michelle followed Madison down to the dining room, her heart felt heavy. Why did teenage girls have to be under such pressure to live up to the world’s perception of beauty? And where on earth did Maddie get the idea that Michelle was so much more attractive than her?

  Later that night, as Michelle was washing her face before bed, she noticed more clearly than ever the toll of aging. She plucked a gray hair, and studied the weathered skin on her neck and smile lines radiating from her eyes. The beauty she’d once been told she possessed was clearly fading. So fleeting was youth, and yet at the peak of its radiance, insecurity often robbed young girls of the perception and confidence one would expect it to inspire.

  “What are you thinking about, my brooding bride?” Steve asked, coming up behind her and nuzzling into her neck.

  Michelle sighed. “Our daughter.”

  “Something wrong?”

  “She thinks she’s not attractive. I caught her perusing models on her laptop. You know, those hyper skinny girls with the gaunt faces that give them the big-eyed look.” Michelle paused and shook her head as if to shake off the images. “It concerns me, Steve. I’ve seen a few girls at school fall into eating disorders because of their determination to obtain that look.”

  Steve sank down on the bed, clasping his hands between his knees. As he leaned forward and rested his forearms on his legs, he stared down at the floor and shook his head. Then, glancing up at her, he asked, “Want me to talk to her?”

  “Maybe. She needs to hear from you just how attractive she really is. You’ve been her prince charming growing up. Now she needs that more than ever.” Michelle sat down beside him, and pulled one of his hands into hers. “It boggles my mind that she can’t see how beautiful she is. She actually told me that if there’s any beauty in the house it’s me. Can you imagine that, honey? To think your mother is more attractive than you are?” Michelle gazed into space and rolled her eyes.

  “Don’t undersell yourself, gorgeous,” Steve replied with a grin.

  “I’m serious, Steve. Lately I’ve noticed that when she and I are at the Coffee Stop or the Igloo together, the guys working the counter have their eyes on her. When she was young, like around six or seven, I remember waiters sometimes acting flirtatious with me. It was flattering, even though they were obviously too young for someone my age. But that’s definitely flipped. Now they all have eyes for Maddie. And she doesn’t even realize it.”

  “Well, maybe that’s a good thing. I like her sweet innocence about it, and hopefully it will keep some of those boys at bay.” Steve stood and began unbuttoning his shirt. “I’m sure this whole insecurity about her appearance is normal for a teenage girl. She’ll get over it.”

  “I hope so. But I do think it’s a good idea for you to beef up your compliments and attention. Maybe you could take her out on a couple of father-daughter dates or something,” she suggested.

  “Sure. As soon as this merger case is over, I’ll have some time,” he replied. Turning and looking at her still sitting on the bed, he added, “Anything else?”

  She shook her head. “No, I guess not.” Then she followed him into their walk-in closet and began getting ready for bed.

  Madison leaned up against her pillow and flipped open the novel she was reading. It was a love story of two teens, who met at a summer camp. As she dove into the tale of their secret rendezvous under the stars, she imagined what it would be like to have someone really love her like that. She pictured the heroine with the same slender body as the models in her magazines. Oh, to look like that! And to find a handsome guy who pursued her with the same tenacity and passion of the hero.

  Sinking further into her bed, she closed her eyes and let her imagination go. She was walking on the beach, hand-in-hand with a tall, gorgeous guy. The waves were crashing, the sun was warm, and her heart soared. Her partner squeezed her hand gently, and looking up she found herself gazing into Luke’s eyes.

  Then her heart returned to earth. Luke was gone. He didn’t love her. He probably never did and never would.

  She stood and walked over to close the closet door, a habit from when she was little and feared a monster would come out during the night. As the mirrored door slid shut, she stared at her body in its pajama shorts and tank top. Her hips looked big and her legs stubby. Turning to the side, she pushed her hand against the soft pooch of her stomach.

  Walking over to her desk, she picked up the magazine on top of the stack. Flipping to the article in the back about modeling classes, she sat down and reread it, soaking in its promises of beauty and glamour. She flipped open her laptop and did an Internet search for classes in their area, spotting one near her father’s law firm. Perfect, she thought. I’ll talk to Mom about this tomorrow.

  Then, before climbing back into bed, she looked at the mirror again. “You are going to start dieting, exercising, and learning how to do your makeup, hair, and clothing,” she instructed herself. “It’s time for a new and improved Madison.” She set her alarm clock to get up early and go jogging, then made a list of everything she would eat the next day.

  When morning came, she hopped out of bed, threw on some shorts and a tee shirt, pulled her tennis shoes out from under the bed, and bolted down the stairs.

  “You’re up early,” her father said, as she passed him in the kitchen.

  “Yep. I’m going for a run.”

  “Really?” He looked surprised.

  I’m going to show all of them how beautiful I can be if I try, she thought happily before answering. “Yeah, really. It’s time to get rid of this,” she said as she patted her stomach.

  He laughed. “I don’t see anything to get rid of, princess.”

  Princess? He still saw her as a little girl. “Well, I do,” she replied, adding, “I just want to get in shape.”

  “Okay. Nothing wrong with that,” he replied as he filled his coffee cup. “Maybe we could run together sometime.”

  “Sure. That would be great, Dad. See you later. Gotta go.” She grabbed a water bottle and headed out the door.

  With her iPod earphones in place and her favorite music filling her head, she began jogging down the street. I’ll try to do at least a mile today, she thought. Then maybe tomorrow she’d do a mile and a half. When I get home, I’m going on the website for that modeling course.

  Within a few blocks, she was winded. A side cramp slowed her to a walk. She took a swig of water, bent at the waist, and rested her hands on her knees for a moment. Then she walked a short distance and started jogging again, this time at a slower pace. The toot of a horn caught her attention, and she glanced over to see her father driving by. He smiled and waved, and she nodded, returning his smile.

  This was going to work. It had to.

  By the time she got home, she was hot and tired. Her mother was in the kitchen sitting at the table with her breakfast. “Your dad said you went running.”

  “Yeah. I’ve decided to get in shape.”

  Her mom looked a little concerned.

  “What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

  “Is this about what you said the other day, honey? About not feeling attractive? Because I’m all for being in sh
ape, but I don’t want you obsessing about being thin. You’ve got a cute figure.”

  She doesn’t get it, Madison thought. No one thinks my figure is cute except her. Not wanting to get into a big discussion, she just said, “Don’t worry, Mom. I’m not obsessing.” Should I mention the modeling class? She wondered to herself. No. Better wait until I have more details. Maybe I can even get Lucy to go with me. Then she’ll say yes for sure.

  “Want some pancakes?” Michelle asked, gesturing to a stack by the stove.

  “No thanks. I’m not that hungry. I’ll probably just have an apple for breakfast,” Maddie replied as she headed out of the kitchen. Good girl, she thought to herself. Pancakes were her favorite breakfast. But not anymore.

  CHAPTER THREE

  Madison began weighing herself in the morning and evening each day. Within a week, she’d lost five pounds, and she was feeling pretty proud of herself. School would be starting in another week. Maybe she’d be down ten pounds by then! She threw on her shorts and tee shirt and headed out the door for a morning run. Her mother had promised to look into the modeling course as a Christmas gift, so she had until then to get in shape.

  “Don’t you think you should eat something before you exercise?” her mother asked.

  “No. I’ll have something when I get back,” she promised. “Eating first just slows me down.” She bolted out the door before her mom could reply. As she ran, she thought about Luke. I wonder how he’s doing? Probably loving being off at college.

  She tried to picture his dorm room and what the campus was like. Maybe I will go visit sometime. Might be a place I’d like to consider for myself. Her thoughts drifted to images of walking the campus with Luke by her side. They’d be talking about their classes, and what they were going to do over the weekend.

  Jogging out into the crosswalk, a car turned left onto the street she was crossing and came close to hitting her. “Watch where you’re going!” she called out to the unseen driver.

  When she got home, she grabbed a banana from the fruit bowl on the counter and nearly collided with Caleb as she headed out of the kitchen. “What’s with everyone today?” she asked under her breath. “It’s like I’m invisible,” she added.

  “Hey, do you want to go with me and Mom to the Igloo this afternoon?” her brother asked.

  Madison pictured the ice cream parlor with its delectable flavors. Maybe a non-fat frozen yogurt without a cone, she thought. Then she changed her mind. Better not. I’ll see the almond mocha fudge and want that. “No thanks,” she said. “I’m on a diet.”

  “Why?”

  “Why do you think, dummy? So I can lose weight before school starts.”

  “Whatever,” her brother mumbled. Grabbing his baseball mitt and ball, he headed out to practice throwing pitches through a tire hanging from the tree out back.

  After Madison’s shower, she plunked down on her bed and flipped open her laptop. Think I’ll email Luke and see how he’s doing. She glanced at the inbox of her gmail account and noticed his name. “Cool!” she exclaimed, quickly clicking to open his message.

  Hi Maddie,

  I was thinking about you this morning, and I thought I’d send you an email. How’s life? Are you and Lucy ready for school to start? She told me about your shopping trip. Sounds like she bought the stores out.

  Did you get your class schedule yet? Hope you have Barnes for history. You’d love him. He’s always got some interesting back story to tell about people who seem so boring in the textbooks. If you get Fry, try to switch. He’ll put you to sleep in a minute with his boring lectures. And for English, you should be good with Harper since you’re honors. She’s tough, but you’re up to it. And she’s pretty funny sometimes.

  If you want any other advice or input, just send me a photo of your schedule. It’s really weird to be here instead of getting ready to go back to Sandy Cove High.

  But the campus is great and I’ve got a decent roommate, so I’m getting pretty excited. Classes start Monday. I’ve already checked out reviews on my professors, and so far most of them look pretty reasonable. One is new here, so we’ll see how that goes. It’s just a general ed writing class, so I’m not too worried.

  I’ll text you some pictures of the campus and my dorm later today. Mom’s been bugging me to send her some, so I’ll just do a group text. Tell Caleb hi, and keep an eye on Lucy, okay? She can be pretty out there sometimes, and I won’t be around to make sure she stays out of trouble. She can be fun, but sometimes she goes overboard. I’m sure you get what I’m saying.

  That’s all for now. Stay cool.

  Luke

  Madison smiled. She could almost hear his voice with the familiar “stay cool” phrase he used in place of goodbye. It sounded like he was having a good time, and she appreciated his input on teachers.

  “Hey, Mom?” she called out.

  “I’m downstairs,” came the reply.

  Walking to the top of the stairway, Madison spotted her in the living room. “Has the mail come today?”

  “I think I saw the truck, but I haven’t been out to the mailbox yet,” her mother answered.

  Madison bounded down the stairs and out the front door.

  “Expecting something?” her mother’s voice followed her.

  “My class schedule,” she threw back over her shoulder.

  Pulling open the mailbox, she lifted out the contents and flipped through the envelopes. Halfway down the pile, she found it. Return address: Sandy Cove High School. As she walked back into the house, she deposited the other mail on the coffee table in front of her mother.

  “Did you get it?” Michelle asked.

  “Yep.” Madison sank into the rocking chair and tore open the envelope. “PE first period?” she asked with a groan. “That mean’s I’ll be a mess all day.” Her frustration rose when she scanned the rest of the periods. “Great. Just great. I got Fry for history. Luke said he’s a loser. And right after lunch, too.”

  “Maybe you can talk to your counselor and get some things shifted around. Mr. Woodruff seems to really like you, Maddie. He’d probably do whatever he could.”

  “Yeah, maybe.” Madison shrugged. “Think I’ll call the school, and see if he’s working this week. It’s probably better to talk to him now than after classes start.”

  “I agree,” her mother replied.

  Returning to her room, Madison grabbed her cell phone from the nightstand and scanned her contacts for the school’s number. When the office manager answered, she asked for Mr. Woodruff. “I’ll transfer your call,” the woman said. “He should be in his office.”

  “Woodruff here.”

  “Hi, Mr. Woodruff. It’s Madison Baron.”

  “Madison! How’s your summer been?” The warmth in his voice helped calm her agitation.

  “Pretty good. How about yours?” she asked, trying to be polite with the hopes of gaining favor before her request.

  “Too short as always. But I’m eager to get back into the swing of things here. How ‘bout you? Ready for classes to start up again?”

  “Well, actually, I wanted to talk to you about that,” she began. “Is there any chance I could come in and see you today or tomorrow?”

  “Sure. Let me look at my schedule.” He paused for a moment, and Madison could hear the shuffling of papers. “How about three o’clock this afternoon? I have a staff meeting at one-thirty, but it’s only supposed to last an hour. So that would give me plenty of time to be back here in my office.”

  “Three sounds great. Thanks!” she replied.

  “You got it, kid. See you then.”

  Madison flipped open her computer and replied to Luke’s email.

  Hi Luke,

  So I just got my schedule. UGH! PE first period, and Fry after lunch. Can you believe it? I’m going to meet with Woodruff this afternoon and see if he can change things around. Maybe I can switch PE and history if Barnes has a first period class. If you get this before three o’clock our time, please pray that it
works out.

  I’m really happy that things are going well for you. Sounds like college will be a great change. I’ll keep an eye on Lucy. I know exactly what you mean.

  Looking forward to the pics this afternoon. If I don’t answer right away, I’m with Woodruff.

  Miss you. Stay cool yourself.

  Maddie

  Closing the laptop, she walked over to her closet and rummaged through her clothes, looking for just the right outfit for her afternoon appointment with the counselor. A skirt. Perfect. She’ll look studious. She pulled it out and found a top. Standing in front of the full-length mirror, she held the hangers up to her body and approved the outfit. Good thing I lost five pounds. This skirt was getting tight last spring. She laid the clothes across the bed and headed downstairs to tell her mother about the appointment with Mr. Woodruff.

  “Mom, are you guys ready?” Madison asked as she paced by the front door. Michelle was going to drop her off at school for her appointment and then take Caleb over to the Igloo.

  “Coming,” her mother called from upstairs.

  Just as Michelle came down into the living room, Caleb appeared from the kitchen. “Let’s go! I’m ready for my double-decker fudge brownie cone.”

  “That’s disgusting,” Madison remarked, trying to convince herself she was glad she was passing on their outing.

  “Got your schedule?” her mother asked.

  She held it up. “Right here. It’s ten ‘til three. We’d better hurry.”

  When they pulled up in front of the high school a few minutes later, Madison threw open her door and hopped out of the van. “I’ll text you when I’m finished,” she called over her shoulder, hurrying toward the main office.

  She found Mr. Woodruff standing at the counter talking to a parent. He glanced her way and smiled. “I’ll be right with you.” Then he finished his conversation and led her down the hall to his private office. “Have a seat,” he said, lifting a stack of student files off the chair facing his desk. “Sorry about the mess. I always think I’ll be more organized for start up, but it never seems to happen.”