Four Plays
Page 11
REGINE: Cheque!
STAN: How else do you think I can live in Spain for the rest of my life and never lift a finger?
STELLA: You little rat!
LETITIA: Traitor!
GWEN: Scum!
JOG: Fascist!
STAN: Well, I’ll be off then. ‘Bye, ladies. Nice seeing you.
ISOBEL: Good night, ladies. Sweet ladies…
LEONARD: Good night, good night, good night.
JOG: You won’t get away with this! We’ll start the fight all over again. All revolutions have their setbacks and traitors.
STELLA: My God. All over again!
REGINE: All that work and preparation. It’ll take years.
JOG: Don’t fail now, comrades! This will make us stronger, not weaker.
LEONARD: It’s like the Lisbon earthquake. You can interpret its meaning to suit your own prejudice.
JOG: Shut up, you beast!
LEONARD: To rail is the privilege of the loser. Anyway, men’s sins are mostly venial rather than venereal, as you appear to believe.
JOG: We hate you, all of you. Hate you.
LEONARD: In the case of you ladies, perfect hatred understandeth all things.
ISOBEL: And perfect hatred casteth out all fear.
STELLA: What are you: a double act?
STAN: Well, I’m off then. Don’t try to do anything I can.
REGINE: Good riddance!
ALL FOUR: Pig!
STAN: Well, honk honk and tickerty boo! (He leaves) (JOG is almost having a fit)
JOG: Go! Our time is coming. It’s coming, comrades, when we shall say: (She stands on a sofa. And declares.) ‘O, withered is the garland of the war; The soldier’s pole is fall’n Young boys and girls are level now with men!’
(ISOBEL gets up on another sofa.)
ISOBEL: And do you know how that goes on?
The odds is gone.
And there is nothing left remarkable
Beneath the visiting moon.’
JOG: Renegade bitch! Sex traitor!
LEONARD: I think it’s time we left, darling. We’re a minority group.
(He helps her down. To REGINE.) Thank you for the most divine weekend I’ve ever had.
ISOBEL: Divine!
(They go hand in hand up centre to the door.)
LEONARD: And always remember, ladies. At least in your cases: A WOMAN IS A WOMAN BUT A GOOD CIGAR IS A SMOKE!’’
The End.
JILL AND JACK
a play for television
Characters
WILFRED
JILL
JERRY
MARY
JACK
MARK
GIRL ON TRAIN
WAITER
WILLIE
GUARD
PORTER
MILLS
CLUB MEMBER
CABBIE
WOMAN ON TRAIN
POLICEMAN
Jill and Jack was first transmitted by Yorkshire Television on 11 September 1974, with the following cast:
WILFRED, Stanley Lebor
JILL, Jill Bennett
JERRY, Denis Lawson
MARY, Wendy Gifford
JACK, John Standing
MARK, Michael Byrne
GIRL ON TRAIN, Alison Mead
WAITER, Alan Bowlas
Director, Mike Newell
Producer, Peter Willes
Scene 1
Exterior. Night.
A discreet but expensive car turns off a busy London street and makes its smooth, chaffeur-driven way into the leafy space of an attractive square. It stops outside one of the tall early nineteenth-century houses. The uniformed chauffeur emerges to open the door for JILL who steps out unhurriedly from reading her paper from the lamp in the roomy comfort of the back. She is attractive and dressed in the most strikingly stylish but succinctly everyday way.
WILFRED: Your brief-case, madam.
(He hands it to her and she takes it, folding her paper carefully but naturally.)
JILL: Thank you, Wilfred. How long do we need to get there?
WILFRED: Oh, twenty minutes should be about right in this traffic.
JILL: Right. I’ll be out in fifteen. Just in case there are any hold-ups on the way.
WILFRED: Very good, madam.
JILL: Don’t want to keep him waiting. You know how they worry.
WILFRED: That’s right, madam.
(She goes up the steps to the front door, which is opened by JERRY, a young man in a smart white jacket.)
JERRY: Good evening, madam.
Scene 2
Interior. Entrance hall. Night.
JILL: Evening, Jerry. Put my brief-case in the study on my desk, will you.
JERRY: Yes, madam.
JILL: Only I may have to go over a few things later – if I get the chance.
JERRY: Your evening papers, madam.
JILL: Thanks.
(Takes them.)
Only I’ve got to dash.
(Unhurried, she glances at papers.)
JERRY: Hectic day, madam?
JILL: Just the usual, Jerry. Just the usual. Frantic but fun… Fun but frantic. I could do with a drink while I’m changing.
(She advances towards the stairs, taking in the headlines and stop press)
JERRY: I put some of the Chablis on ice in your room.
JILL: Thanks. Miss Kaye in?
JERRY: In her room. I think she’s taking someone to the theatre.
JILL: (To self.) That self-loving squirt Robert, I suppose.
(She goes upstairs.)
JERRY: You are both dining out tonight?
JILL: Yes. I shall be at my club. But there shouldn’t be anything. So you might as well go out for the evening.
JERRY: That’s very nice, madam. I’ll leave everything out you might need when you come in.
JILL: Thanks.
Scene 3
Interior. Upstairs corridor. Night.
Folio wing JILL, past good paintings, furnishings, etc., into:
Scene 4
Interior. JILL’s bedroom. Night.
It is large, with a double bed and all sorts of dizzy consumer luxuries like hi-fi, fridges, etc., leading on to her own leafy, exotic bathroom and dressing-room. A parrot swings in the bathroom, highly coloured, cheerful, called WILLIE. She turns on some music and starts to undress methodically and without particular hurry. Charly, she has the operation timed to a second. Still glancing at the headlines and back pages for the racing results, she goes to her large wardrobe.
JILL: Damn.
WILLIE: Damn!
JILL: Evening, Willie. That horse was nowhere. You gave me the wrong tip.
WILLIE: Nowhere! Nowhere! Damn!
JILL: I wish you’d draw me a bath and shut up, you dozy, past-it old pullet.
(She makes a quick selection from an almost endless line of dresses and shoes and places them on the bed carefully)
Scene 5
Interior. Bathroom. Night.
JILL: Nothing to wear, as usual.
WILLIE: Past-it old pullet.
JILL: You are, not me!
(She draws the bath, goes back and pours herself some wine from the waiting bucket. She carefully selects stockings from a drawer as she buzzes the house phone.)
(On phone.) Jerry! I’ve just tried the wine. It can’t be the usual…no, I know it wasn’t. Chateau Y-Front sixty-nine I’d say. Send it back, will you. Can’t think what they’re doing. Right…
(As she puts down the receiver, there is a knock on the door) Mary? Come in.
(MARY enters, dressed for a big evening.)
MARY: Hullo! Rush?
JILL: No. I’ve six minutes or so. You?
MARY: Well, you know Robert. He’ll only fret if I’m not there first.
JILL: How would he know?
MARY: He’d just know, that’s all. Right?
JILL: I do know, thanks.
MARY: Shagged?
JILL: Drink’U put me right. That bloody
horse didn’t come in.
MARY: Not anywhere?
WILLIE: Not anywhere!
JILL: Willie – shut up. I’ll cut off your beak at both ends. (All very light, by the way. Like the rest, in fact.) Where you off to then? Not that bloody Crush Bar again?
MARY: He likes it. Got to keep ‘em happy.
JILL: Suppose so.
MARY: And it’s Nureyev or something and he likes to be seen. Yes. SEEN! You know how they like to be seen.
JILL: That’s all they go for as far as I can make out.
MARY: And you?
JILL: Just the club.
MARY: Bit dull for him, isn’t it?
JILL: He doesn’t seem to mind. As long as he’s with me.
MARY: Lucky old you.
JILL: There’s my bath.
WILLIE: Bath’s nowhere!
(JILL goes over to the bathroom.)
MARY: You’ll be late.
JILL: You will. And you know what that’ll do to the evening.
MARY: Don’t I just! Two ten quid tickets for nowt. See you.
JILL: No oats if you don’t run for ‘em! ‘Bye.
MARY: Have fun!
JILL: Oh, I think I shall…
(She watches MARY go out. As she turns into the bathroom for her bathing cap, WILLIE shouts past)
WILLIE: Have fun! Nowhere! Have fun. Have fun.
Scene 6
Interior. JACK’s flat. Night.
In the inner suburbs which he shares with MARK. Perhaps, at this point it should be made absolutely clear that neither JACK nor MARK are remotely ‘Gay’ to use the fashionable cant word. The same applies to JILL and MARY. They are very much two chaps and two girls. It is merely that their social roles have become rather confused, if not completely reversed. JACK is sweating in front of the mirror trying to fix his bow tie before putting the finishing touches to his evening outfit.
JACK: Oh, great balls of bleeding fire. Why did I have to put on a new shirt. Sackfuls of plastic knicker elastic and pins and cardboard. Damn plastic.
MARK: (Appears round door.) And down with elastic. Can I help?
JACK: Why can’t I buy a decent shirt! Instead of this floppy dicky’s night out!
MARK: Car’s here.
JACK: Tell him he can wait.
MARK: Train won’t.
JACK: Could you give us a hand?
MARK: Easy as winking. Don’t panic. You want to look your best. All that. That’s what they want…
(He helps tie-making)
JACK: ‘Course it is. Then when we look like a bundle of old rags… Bless you, old boy. You are good at these things.
MARK: Have to be, old darling. Don’t we all? There we are!
JACK: May the Good Lord bless you and all that. I could kiss you. In fact I will.
(He does, perfunctorily)
Hand me my jacket, will you?
MARK: Very nice! Present?
JACK: Her.
MARK: Thought so. Bang-on taste.
JACK: (Anxious) I say, old boy, you don’t think –
MARK: You look –
JACK: The waistcoat’s a bit –
MARK: What?
JACK: Well…poncified.
MARK: She’ll adore it. And the watch and chain.
JACK: Really?
MARK: Really.
JACK: You’re not just saying that. She’s so meticulous herself. I’d hate her to think…
MARK: Think?
JACK: Well, that I’m all done up like a dog’s dinner just because I want her to, well, you know.
MARK: Rubbish. She’ll be thrilled with you. So she should be. Some girls’d go potty. What’s that?
JACK: What’s what!
MARK: Scent?
JACK: Oh, God – do I smell? I did my armpits. My socks gleaming like confetti. Pure, fresh. Do I look an ass?
MARK: No. Irresistible.
JACK: You don’t think I should put on the old trusty green and brown –
MARK: Pinstripe. No. I don’t.
(Horn honks outside.)
Now get your skates on. You know how it irritates them if you’re a few minutes late.
JACK: Thanks, dear heart. You’ve been a brick.
(He dashes to the door.)
MARK: Have a nice evening. Relax. She’ll adore you.
JACK: Oh, I hope so. Oh, oh, my overnight case.
MARK: Do you think you should?
JACK: Well, we’ll see. Depends how she – er – puts it.
MARK: She knows how to behave. Well, I’ll see you. Or not.
JACK: Yes. Or not.
(Horn off)
MARK: Go on!
JACK: Yes. Great night. Big deal. I’ll never get through it. Oh, my gawd!
Scene 7
Exterior. House. Night.
He stumbles down the steps outside and falls into the waiting cab.
MARK: (Calling out) Bonne chance!
JACK: Thanks, old boy. Bless you.
CABBIE: Well?
JACK: Station!
Scene 8
Exterior. Railway station. Night.
JACK dashes through the barrier, past the ticket inspector and is assisted on to the moving train by a porter.
Scene 9
Interior. Crowded railway carriage. Night.
JACK is looking rather flushed and uneasy, as he stands, clutching his overnight case. A YOUNG GIRL looks up at him curiously from her seat.
YOUNG GIRL: Excuse me, but are you feeling all right?
JACK: Yes, thank you.
YOUNG GIRL: (Starting to rise) You look to me as if you’d be better sitting down.
JACK: No, really, thank you. I think I need a bit of fresh air.
YOUNG GIRL: Very well. If you’re sure.
(She goes back to reading her paper and he gropes his way through the door to the corridor)
Scene 10
Interior. Railway corridor. Night.
JACK stumbles his way past bad-tempered passengers to the favatory. It is marked ‘engaged’. He waits and presently a man and a woman emerge. He turns cheerfully to a man who has to stand back.
JACK: Well, perhaps they are engaged! (He goes in)
Scene 11
Interior. Railway train lavatory. Night.
JACK tidies himself up, hair, collar, tie, waistcoat, etc. Presently, a woman’s voice is heard as there is a banging on the door.
WOMAN: (Voice over) How much longer are you going to be!
JACK: Oh, bloody shut up. Impatient bitch.
(He goes through his bag, taking out pyjamas, shaving kit and so on)
Two packets. Well: I’ll be leaving all that to her.
(He opens the window and throws something out. Then emerges from the lavatory, all ‘tidied up’to meet a very angry looking girl. He smiles at her sweetly)
All yours.
Scene 12
Exterior. Pfatform. London railway terminal. Night.
JACK gets down gingerly – No, not gingerly, but careful of his appearance and looks around expectantly. Disappointed at seeing no one, he goes to the barrier but can’t find his ticket.
JACK: Well, it’s here somewhere. I’m not trying to get a free ride. Like some of you lot.
(The GUARD almost yawns in his face as he waits for the elusive ticket)
Scene 13
Exterior. Outside terminal concourse. Night.
JILL is waiting in the car with WILFRED in front. She looks at her watch. A POLICEMAN approaches.
POLICEMAN: Not allowed to park here. See up there.
JILL: Won’t be a moment, constable.
(She leans forward to WILFRED.)
You go round for a bit or find a space or something and I’ll go and see if I can find him. Probably lost his ticket or dropped his case.
Scene 14
Exterior. Station. Night.
She gets out and crosses to the main hall. Indeed, JACK is picking up his toiletry, which has dropped out of his case. She goes over to him.
JILL:
Jack.
JACK: Darling!
(They embrace fiercely. Them)
JILL: I suppose we’d better pick this lot up.
(She bends down as JACK re-adjusts himself to the situation.)
Scene 15
Interior. Car. Night.
JILL and JACK in the back while WILFRED drives.
JILL: Darling, you look stunning.
JACK: Do you think so? I feel a wreck.
JILL: Well, you aren’t. You’re fabulous.
JACK: I can’t do. Not after that journey.
JILL: You must believe me, sometimes.
JACK: Well, Mark helped.
JILL: How is he?
JACK: OK. I suppose I was hoping you’d be on the platform, waiting…
JILL: Well, I thought we’d get away quicker. This way. Parking and all…
JACK: (Absently.) Oh, yes… Where are we going?
JILL: I thought we’d go to the club. If you don’t mind.
JACK: Sounds fine. Am I allowed in?
JILL: Thursday dinner and Sunday lunch. Some of the older members fought a desperate rearguard action to keep you out altogether but I’m afraid even they had to move with the times.
Progress?
JACK: (Uninterested) Ah, yes.
JILL: Actually, you’re my first gentleman guest.
JACK: As long as I’m with you. I don’t care where. (They clasp hands.)
JILL: I hope it won’t be too stuffy. For you, I mean. But it is a special sort of occasion.
JACK: Oh, good. I love special occasions.
Scene 16
Exterior. Night.
Neoclassical exterior of JILL’s club. The car draws up.
JACK: Damn! It’s raining.
JILL: Never mind.
JACK: I do mind. I only went to the crimpers this afternoon.