Mr. Midshipman Easy

by Frederick Marryat

  CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR.

  OUR HERO PLAYS THE VERY DEVIL.

  We must leave the reader to imagine the effect of the next morning's_denouement_. Every one was in a fury except Jack, who did nothing butlaugh. The captain wanted to return to obtain Miss Hicks, Gascoigne toobtain Azar, and the vice-consul to obtain his liberty--but the wind wasfoul for their return, and Jack soon gained the captain on his side. Hepointed out to him that, in the first place, if he presumed to return,he would forfeit his charter bond; in the second, he would have to payfor all the bullocks which died; in the third, that if he wished to takeMiss Hicks as his wife, he must not first injure her character by havingher on board before the solemnity; and lastly, that he could always goand marry her whenever he pleased; the brother could not prevent him.All this was very good advice, and the captain became quite calm andrational, and set his studding-sails below and aloft.

  As for Gascoigne, it was no use reasoning with him, so it was agreedthat he should have satisfaction as soon as they could get on shoreagain. Mr Hicks was the most violent; he insisted that the vesselshould return, while both Jack and the captain refused, although hethreatened them with the whole Foreign Office. He insisted upon havinghis clothes, but Jack replied that they had tumbled overboard as theypulled from the shore. He then commanded the mate and men to take thevessel back, but they laughed at him and his woman's clothes. "At allevents, I'll have you turned out of the service," said he to our hero,in his fury. "I shall be extremely obliged to you," said Jack--andCaptain Hogg was so much amused with the vice-consul's appearance in hissister's clothes, that he quite forgot his own disappointment inlaughing at his intended brother-in-law. He made friends again withJack, who regained his ascendancy, and ordered out the porter on thecapstern-head. They had an excellent dinner, but Mr Hicks refused tojoin them; which, however, did not spoil the appetite of Jack or thecaptain: as for Gascoigne, he could not eat a mouthful, but he drank toexcess, looking over the rim of his tumbler as if he could devour ourhero, who only laughed the more. Mr Hicks had applied to the men tolend him some clothes, but Jack had foreseen that, and he wasomnipotent. There was not a jacket or a pair of trousers to be had forlove or money. Mr Hicks then considered it advisable to lower histone, and he applied to Captain Hogg, who begged to be excused withouthe consented to his marriage with his sister, to which Mr Hicks gave anindignant negative. He then applied to Gascoigne, who told him in avery surly tone to go to hell. At last he applied to our hero, wholaughed, and said that he would see him damned first. So Mr Hicks satdown in his petticoats, and vowed revenge. Gascoigne, who had drunkmuch and eaten nothing, turned in and went to sleep--while Captain Hoggand our hero drank porter on the capstern. Thus passed the first day,and the wind was famously fair--the bullocks lowed, the cocks crew, thesheep baa'd, and the _Mary Ann_ made upwards of two hundred miles. Jacktook possession of the other berth in the cabin, and his Majesty'srepresentative was obliged to lie down in his petticoats upon a topsailwhich lay between decks, with a bullock on each side of him, who everynow and then made a dart at him with their horns, as if they knew thatit was to him that they were indebted for their embarkation and beingdestined to drive the scurvy out of the Toulon fleet.

  We cannot enter into the details of the passage, which, as the wind wasfair, was accomplished in ten days without the loss of a bullock.During this time Mr Hicks condescended to eat without speaking,imagining that the hour of retribution would come when they joined theadmiral. Gascoigne gradually recovered himself, but did not speak toour hero, who continued to laugh and drink porter. On the eleventhmorning they were in the midst of the Toulon fleet, and Mr Hicks smiledexultingly as he passed our hero in his petticoats, and wondered thatJack showed no signs of trepidation.

  The fleet hove-to, Jack ran under the admiral's stern, lowered down hisboat, and went on board, showed his credentials, and reported hisbullocks. The general signal was made, there was a fair division of thespoil, and then the admiral asked our hero whether the master of thetransport had any other stock on board. Jack replied that he had not;but that having been told by the Governor of Malta that they might beacceptable, he had bought a few sheep and some dozen of fowls, whichwere much at his service, if he would accept of them. The admiral wasmuch obliged to the Governor, and also to Jack, for thinking of him, butwould not, of course, accept of the stock without paying for them. Herequested him to send all of them on board that he could spare, and thenasked Jack to dine with him, for Jack had put on his best attire, andlooked very much of a gentleman.

  "Mr Easy," said the flag-captain, who had been looking at the transportwith his glass, "is that the master's wife on board?"

  "No, sir," replied Jack; "it's the vice-consul."

  "What, in petticoats! the vice-consul?"

  "Yes, the vice-consul of Tetuan. He came on board in that dress whenthe brig was under way, and I considered it my duty not to delay, beingaware how very important it was that the fleet should be provided withfresh beef."

  "What is all this, Mr Easy?" said the admiral; "there has been sometrick here. You will oblige me by coming into the cabin."

  Easy followed the admiral and flag-captain into the cabin, and thenboldly told the whole story how he tricked them all. It was impossiblefor either of them to help laughing, and when they began to laugh it wasalmost as impossible to stop.

  "Mr Easy," said the admiral at last, "I do not altogether blame you; itappears that the captain of the transport would have delayed sailingbecause he was in love--and that Mr Gascoigne would have stayed behindbecause he was infatuated; independent of the ill-will against theEnglish which would have been excited by the abduction of the girl. ButI think you might have contrived to manage all that without putting thevice-consul in petticoats."

  "I acted to the best of my judgment, sir," replied Jack, very humbly.

  "And altogether you have done well. Captain Malcolm, send a boat forthe vice-consul."

  Mr Hicks was too impatient to tell his wrongs to care for his being inhis sister's clothes: he came on board, and although the tittering wasgreat, he imagined that it would soon be all in his favour, when it wasknown that he was a diplomatic. He told his story, and waited for thedecision of the admiral, which was to crush our hero, who stood with themidshipmen on the lee-side of the deck; but the admiral replied, "MrHicks, in the first place, this appears to me to be a family affairconcerning the marriage of your sister, with which I have nothing to do.You went on board of your own free will in woman's clothes. Mr Easy'sorders were positive, and he obeyed them. It was his duty to sail assoon as the transport was ready. You may forward your complaint if youplease, but, as a friend, I tell you that it will probably occasion yourdismissal, for these kind of pranks are not understood at the ForeignOffice. You may return to the transport, which, after she has touchedat Mahon, will proceed again to Tetuan. The boat is alongside, sir."

  Mr Hicks, astonished at the want of respect, paid to a vice-consul,shoved his petticoats between his legs and went down the side amidst thelaughter of the whole of the ship's company. Our hero dined with theadmiral, and was well received. He got his orders to sail that nightfor Minorca, and as soon as dinner was over he returned on board, wherehe found Captain Hogg very busy selling his porter--Gascoigne walkingthe deck in a brown study--and Mr Hicks _solus_ abaft, sulking in hispetticoats.

  As soon as they were clear of the boats, the _Mary Ann_ hoisted herensign and made sail, and as all the porter was not yet sold, Jackordered up a bottle.

  Jack was much pleased with the result of his explanation with theadmiral, and he felt that, for once, he had not only got into no scrapehimself, but that he had prevented others. Gascoigne walked the deckgloomily; the fact was that he was very unhappy; he had had time toreflect, and now that the first violence had subsided, he felt that ourhero had done him a real service, and had prevented him from committingan act of egregious folly; and yet he had summoned this friend to meethim in the field--and such had been his grati
tude. He would have giventhe world to recall what had passed and to make friends, but he feltashamed, as most people do, to acknowledge his error; he had, however,almost made up his mind to it, and was walking up and down thinking inwhat manner he might contrive it, when Jack, who was sitting, as usual,in a chair by the capstern, with his porter by him, said to himself,"Now I'll lay my life that Ned wants to make friends, and is ashamed tospeak first; I may be mistaken, and he may fly off at a tangent, buteven if I am, at all events it will not be I who am wrong--I'll tryhim." Jack waited till Gascoigne passed him again, and then said,looking kindly and knowingly in his face:

  "I say, Ned, will you have a glass of porter?"

  Gascoigne smiled, and Jack held out his hand; the reconciliation waseffected in a moment, and the subject of quarrel was not canvassed byeither party.

  "We shall be at Minorca in a day or two," observed Jack, after a while;"now I shall be glad to get there. Do you know, Ned, that I feel verymuch satisfied with myself; I have got into no scrape this time, and Ishall, notwithstanding, have a good story to tell the Governor when I goto Malta."

  "Partly at my expense," replied Gascoigne.

  "Why, you will figure a little in it, but others will figure much more."

  "I wonder what has become of that poor girl," observed Gascoigne, whocould not refrain from mentioning her; "what hurts me most is, that shemust think me such a brute."

  "No doubt of that, Ned--take another glass of porter."

  "Her father gave me this large diamond."

  "The old goat--sell it, and drink his health with it."

  "No, I'll keep it in memory of his daughter."

  Here Gascoigne fell into a melancholy reverie, and Jack thought ofAgnes.

  In two days they arrived at Mahon, and found the _Aurora_ already there,in the command of Captain Wilson. Mr Hicks had persuaded Captain Hoggto furnish him with clothes, Jack having taken off the injunction assoon as he had quitted the admiral. Mr Hicks was aware that if theadmiral would not listen to his complaint, it was no use speaking to acaptain: so he remained on board a pensioner upon Captain Hogg, andafter our midshipmen quitted the transport they became very goodfriends. Mr Hicks consented to the match, and Captain Hogg was madehappy. As for poor Azar, she had wandered about until she was tired inMiss Hicks's dress, and at last returned broken-hearted to her father's,and was admitted by Abdel Faza himself; he imagined it was Miss Hicks,and was in transports--he discovered it was his daughter, and he was ina fury. The next day she went to the zenana of Osman Ali.

  When Jack reported himself he did not tell the history of theelopements, that he might not hurt the feelings of Gascoigne. CaptainWilson was satisfied with the manner in which he had executed hisorders, and asked him, "whether he preferred staying in the _Harpy_ orfollowing him into the _Aurora_."

  Jack hesitated.

  "Speak frankly, Mr Easy; if you prefer Captain Sawbridge to me I shallnot be affronted."

  "No, sir," replied Easy, "I do not prefer Captain Sawbridge to you; youhave both been equally kind to me, but I prefer you. But the fact is,sir, that I do not much like to part with Gascoigne, or--"

  "Or who?" said the captain, smiling.

  "With Mesty, sir; you may think me very foolish--but I should not bealive at this moment, if it had not been for him."

  "I do not consider gratitude to be foolish, Mr Easy," replied CaptainWilson. "Mr Gascoigne I intend to take with me, if he chooses to come,as I have a great respect for his father, and no fault to find with him,that is, generally speaking--but as for Mesty--why, he is a good man,and as you have behaved yourself very well, perhaps I may think of it."

  The next day Mesty was included among the boat's crew taken with him byCaptain Wilson, according to the regulations of the service, andappointed to the same situation under the master-at-arms of the_Aurora_. Gascoigne and our hero were also discharged into the frigate.

  As our hero never has shown any remarkable predilection for duty, thereader will not be surprised at his requesting from Captain Wilson a fewdays on shore, previous to his going on board of the _Aurora_. CaptainWilson allowed the same licence to Gascoigne, as they had both beencooped up for some time on board of a transport. Our hero took up hisquarters at the only respectable hotel in the town, and whenever hecould meet an officer of the _Aurora_, he very politely begged thepleasure of his company to dinner. Jack's reputation had gone beforehim, and the midshipmen drank his wine and swore he was a trump. Notthat Jack was to be deceived, but upon the principles of equality heargued that it was the duty of those who could afford dinners to givethem to those who could not. This was a sad error on Jack's part; buthe had not yet learned the value of money; he was such a fool as tothink that the only real use of it was to make other people happy. Itmust, however, be offered in his extenuation that he was a midshipmanand a philosopher, and not yet eighteen.

  At last Jack had remained so long on shore, keeping open house, and thefirst lieutenant of the _Aurora_ found the officers so much more anxiousfor leave, now that they were at little or no expense, that he sent hima very polite message, requesting the pleasure of his company on boardthat evening. Jack returned an equally polite answer, informing thefirst lieutenant that not being aware that he wished to see him, he hadpromised to accompany some friends to a masquerade that night, but thathe would not fail to pay his respects to him the next day. The firstlieutenant admitted the excuse, and our hero, after having entertainedhalf a dozen of the _Auroras_, for the _Harpy_ had sailed two daysbefore, dressed himself for the masquerade, which was held in a churchabout two miles and a half from Mahon.

  Jack had selected the costume of the _devil_, as being the mostappropriate, and mounting a jackass, he rode down in his dress to themasquerade. But, as Jack was just going in, he perceived a yellowcarriage, with two footmen in gaudy liveries, draw up, and, with hisusual politeness, when the footmen opened the door, offered his arm tohand out a fat old dowager covered with diamonds; the lady looked up,and perceiving Jack covered with hair, with his trident and his hornsand long tail, gave a loud scream, and would have fallen had it not beenfor Captain Wilson, who, in his full uniform, was coming in, and caughther in his arms: while the old lady thanked him, and Captain Wilsonbowed, Jack hastily retreated. "I shall make no conquests to-night,"thought he, so he entered the church, and joined the crowd; but it wasso dense that it was hardly possible to move, and our hero soon gottired of flourishing his trident, and sticking it into people, whowondered what the devil he meant.

  "This is stupid work," thought Jack, "I may have more fun outside:" soJack put on his cloak, left the masquerade, and went out in search ofadventures. He walked into the open country about half a mile, until hecame to a splendid house, standing in a garden of orange-trees, which hedetermined to reconnoitre. He observed that a window was open andlights were in the room; and he climbed up to the window, and justopened the white curtain and looked in. On a bed lay an elderly person,evidently dying, and by the side of the bed were three priests, one ofwhom held the crucifix in his hand, another the censer, and a third wassitting at a table with a paper, pen, and ink. As Jack understoodSpanish, he listened, and heard one of the priests say:

  "Your sins have been enormous, my son, and I cannot give you extremeunction or absolution unless you make some amends."

  "I have," answered the moribund, "left money for ten thousand masses tobe said for my soul."

  "Five hundred thousand masses are not sufficient: how have you gainedyour enormous wealth? by usury and robbing the poor."

  "I have left a thousand dollars to be distributed among the poor on theday of my funeral."

  "One thousand dollars is nothing--you must leave all your property toholy church."

  "And my children!" replied the dying man faintly.

  "What are your children compared to your salvation?--reply not: eitherconsent, or not only do I refuse you the consolation of the dying, but Iexcommunicate--"

  "Mercy, holy father--mercy!" said the old m
an, in a dying voice.

  "There is no mercy, you are damned for ever and ever. Amen. Now hear:_excommunicabo te_--"

  "Stop--stop--have you the paper ready?"

  "'Tis here, all ready, by which you revoke all former wills, and endowthe holy church with your property. We will read it, for God forbidthat it should be said that the holy church received an involuntarygift."

  "I will sign it," replied the dying man; "but my sight fails me; bequick, absolve me." And the paper was signed, with difficulty, as thepriests supported the dying man. "And now--absolve me."

  "I do absolve thee," replied the priest, who then went through theceremony.

  "Now this is a confounded rascally business," said Jack to himself; whothen dropped his cloak, jumped upon the window-sill, opened wide thewindow-curtains with both hands, and uttered a yelling kind of "ha! ha!ha! ha!"

  The priests turned round, saw the demon, as they imagined--dropped thepaper on the table, and threw themselves with their faces on the floor.

  "_Exorciso te_," stammered one.

  "Ha! ha! ha! ha!" repeated Jack, entering the room, and taking up thepaper, which he burned by the flame of the candle. Our hero looked atthe old man on the bed; his jaw had fallen, his eyes were turned. Hewas dead. Jack then gave one more "ha! ha! ha! ha!" to keep the priestsin their places, blew out the candles, made a spring out of the window,caught up his cloak, and disappeared as fast as his legs could carryhim.

  Jack ran until he was out of breath, and then he stopped, and sat downby the side of the road. It was broad moonlight, and Jack knew notwhere he was; "but Minorca has not many high-roads," thought Jack, "andI shall find my way home. Now let me see--I have done some good thisevening. I have prevented those rogues from disinheriting a family. Iwonder who they are; they ought to be infinitely obliged to me. But ifthe priests find me out, what shall I do? I never dare come on shoreagain--they'd have me in the inquisition. I wonder where I am," saidJack; "I will get on that hill, and see if I can take a departure."

  The hill was formed by the road being cut perpendicularly almost throughit, and was perhaps some twelve or fourteen feet high. Jack ascendedit, and looked about him. "There is the sea, at all events, with thefull moon silvering the waves," said Jack, turning from the road, "andhere is the road; then that must be the way to Port Mahon. But whatcomes here?--it's a carriage. Why, it's the yellow carriage of that oldlady with her diamonds, and her two splashy footmen!" Jack was watchingit as it passed the road under him, when, of a sudden, he perceivedabout a dozen men rush out, and seize the horses' heads--a discharge offire-arms, the coachman dropped off the box, and the two footmen droppedfrom behind. The robbers then opened the door, and were hauling out thefat old lady covered with diamonds. Jack thought a second--it occurredto him, that, although he could not cope with so many, he might frightenthem, as he had frightened one set of robbers already that night. Theold lady had just been tumbled out of the carriage door, like a largebundle of clothes tied up for the wash, when Jack, throwing off hiscloak, and advancing to the edge of the precipice, with the full moonbehind him throwing out his figure in strong relief, raised his trident,and just as they were raising their knives, yelled a most unearthly "ha!ha! ha! ha!" The robbers looked up, and forgetting the masquerade, forthere is a double tremor in guilt, screamed with fear; most of them ranaway, and dropped after a hundred yards; others remained paralysed andinsensible. Jack descended the hill, went to the assistance of the oldlady, who had swooned, and had to put her into the carriage; butalthough our hero was very strong, this was a work of no smalldifficulty. After one or two attempts, he lowered down the steps, andcontrived to bump her on the first, from the first he purchased her onthe second, and from the second he at last seated her at the door of thecarriage. Jack had no time to be over-polite. He then threw her backinto the bottom of the carriage, her heels went up to the top, Jackshoved in her petticoats as fast as he could, for decency, and thenshutting the door seized the reins, and jumped upon the box. "I don'tknow the way," thought Jack, "but we must needs go when the _devildrives_;" so sticking his trident into the horses, they set off at arattling pace, passing over the bodies of the two robbers, who had heldthe reins, and who both lay before him in a swoon. As soon as he hadbrought the horses into a trot, he slackened the reins, for, as Jackwisely argued, they will be certain to go home if I let them have theirown way. The horses, before they arrived at the town, turned off, andstopped at a large country house. That he might not frighten thepeople, Jack had put on his cloak, and taken off his mask andhead-piece, which he had laid beside him on the box. At the sound ofthe carriage wheels the servants came out, when Jack, in a few words,told them what had happened. Some of the servants ran in, and a younglady made her appearance, while the others were helping the old lady outof the carriage, who had recovered her senses, but had been so muchfrightened that she had remained in the posture in which Jack had puther.

  As soon as she was out, Jack descended from the coach-box and enteredthe house. He stated to the young lady what had taken place, and howopportunely he had frightened away the robbers, just as they were aboutto murder her relation; and also suggested the propriety of sendingafter the servants who had fallen in the attack, which was immediatelydone by a strong and well-armed party collected for the occasion. Jack,having made his speech, made a very polite bow and took his leave,stating that he was an English officer belonging to a frigate in theharbour. He knew his way back, and in half an hour was again at theinn, and found his comrades. Jack thought it advisable to keep his ownsecret, and therefore merely said that he had taken a long walk in thecountry; and soon afterwards went to bed.

  The next morning our hero, who was always a man of his word, packed uphis portmanteau, and paid his bill. He had just completed this heavyoperation, when somebody wanted to speak to him, and a sort ofhalf-clerical, half-legal sort of looking gentleman was introduced, who,with a starched face and prim air, said that he came to request inwriting the name of the officer who was dressed as a devil in themasquerade of the night before.

  Jack looked at his interrogator, and thought of the priests and theinquisition. "No, no," thought he, "that won't do; a name I must give,but it shall be one that you dare not meddle with. A midshipman youmight get hold of, but it's more than the whole island dare to touch apost-captain of one of his Majesty's frigates." So Jack took the paperand wrote Captain Henry Wilson, of his Majesty's ship _Aurora_.

  The prim man made a prim bow, folded up the paper, and left the room.

  Jack threw the waiter half a doubloon, lighted his cigar, and went onboard.