Mr. Midshipman Easy

by Frederick Marryat

  CHAPTER THIRTY FIVE.

  MR. EASY'S WONDERFUL INVENTION FULLY EXPLAINED BY HIMSELF--MUCH TO THESATISFACTION OF OUR HERO, AND, IT IS TO BE PRESUMED, TO THAT ALSO OF THEREADER.

  At last the packet anchored in Falmouth Roads. Jack, accompanied byMesty, was soon on shore with his luggage, threw himself into the mail,arrived in London, and waiting there two or three days to obtain what heconsidered necessary from a fashionable tailor, ordered a chaise toForest Hill. He had not written to his father to announce his arrival,and it was late in the morning when the chaise drew up at his father'sdoor.

  Jack stepped out and rang the bell. The servants who opened the doordid not know him; they were not the same as those he left.

  "Where is Mr Easy?" demanded Jack.

  "Who are you?" replied one of the men, in a gruff tone.

  "By de powers, you very soon find out who he is," observed Mesty.

  "Stay here, and I'll see if he is at home."

  "Stay here! stay in the hall like a footman? What do you mean, yourascal?" cried Jack, attempting to push by the man.

  "Oh, that won't do here, master; this is Equality Hall; one man's asgood as another."

  "Not always," replied Jack knocking him down. "Take that for yourinsolence, pack up your traps, and walk out of the house to-morrowmorning."

  Mesty in the meantime, had seized the other by the throat.

  "What I do with this fellow, Massa Easy?"

  "Leave him now, Mesty; we'll settle their account to-morrow morning. Ipresume I shall find my father in the library."

  "His father!" said one of the men to the other; "he's not exactly a chipof the old block."

  "We shall have a change, I expect," replied the other, as they walkedaway.

  "Mesty," cried Jack, in an authoritative tone, "bring those two rascalsback to take the luggage out of the chaise; pay the postilion, and tellthe housekeeper to show you my room and yours. Come to me for orders assoon as you have done this."

  "Yes, sir," replied Mesty. "Now come here, you damn blackguard, andtake tings out of chaise, or by de holy poker I choke your luff, both ofyou."

  The filed teeth, the savage look, and determination of Mesty, had thedue effect. The men sullenly returned and unloaded the chaise. In themeantime, Jack walked into his father's study; his father was there--thestudy was lighted up with argand lamps, and Jack looked withastonishment. Mr Easy was busy with a plaster cast of a human head,which he pored over, so that he did not perceive the entrance of hisson. The cast of the skull was divided into many compartments, withwriting on each; but what most astonished our hero was the alteration inthe apartment. The book-cases and books had all been removed, and inthe centre, suspended from the ceiling, was an apparatus which wouldhave puzzled any one, composed of rods in every direction, with screwsat the end of them, and also tubes in equal number, one of whichcommunicated with a large air-pump, which stood on a table. Jack took ashort survey, and then walked up to his father and accosted him.

  "What!" exclaimed Mr Easy, "is it possible?--yes, it is my son John!I'm glad to see you, John--very glad indeed," continued the oldgentleman, shaking him by both hands--"very glad that you have comehome: I wanted you--wanted your assistance in my great and gloriousproject, which, I thank Heaven, is now advancing rapidly. Very soonshall equality and the rights of man be proclaimed everywhere. Thepressure from without is enormous, and the bulwarks of our ridiculousand tyrannical constitution must give way. King, lords, andaristocrats; landholders, tithe-collectors, church and state, thank God,will soon be overthrown, and the golden age revived--the millennium, thetrue millennium--not what your poor mother talked about. I am at thehead of twenty-nine societies, and if my health lasts, you will see whatI will accomplish now that I have your assistance, Jack;" and Mr Easy'seyes sparkled and flashed in all the brilliancy of incipient insanity.

  Jack sighed, and to turn the conversation he observed, "You have made agreat change in this room, sir. What may all this be for? Is it amachine to improve equality and the rights of man?"

  "My dear son," replied Mr Easy, sitting down, and crossing his legscomplacently, with his two hands under his right thigh, according to hisusual custom when much pleased with himself--"why, my dear son, that isnot exactly the case, and yet you have shown some degree of perceptioneven in your guess; for if my invention succeeds, and I have no doubt ofit, I shall have discovered the great art of rectifying the mistakes ofnature, and giving an equality of organisation to the whole species, ofintroducing all the finer organs of humanity, and of destroying thebaser. It is a splendid invention, Jack, very splendid. They may talkof Gall and Spurzheim, and all those; but what have they done? nothingbut divided the brain into sections, classed the organs, and discoveredwhere they reside; but what good result has been gained from that? themurderer by nature remained a murderer--the benevolent man, a benevolentman--he could not alter his organisation. I have found out how tochange all that."

  "Surely, sir, you would not interfere with the organ of benevolence?"

  "But indeed I must, Jack. I myself am suffering from my organ ofbenevolence being too large; I must reduce it, and then I shall becapable of greater things, shall not be so terrified by difficulties,shall overlook trifles, and only carry on great schemes for universalequality and the supreme rights of man. I have put myself into thatmachine every morning for two hours, for these last three months, and Ifeel now that I am daily losing a great portion."

  "Will you do me the favour to explain an invention so extraordinary,sir," said our hero.

  "Most willingly, my boy. You observe that in the centre there is aframe to confine the human head, somewhat larger than the head itself,and that the head rests upon the iron collar beneath. When the head isthus firmly fixed, suppose I want to reduce the size of any particularorgan, I take the boss corresponding to where that organ is situated inthe cranium, and fix it on it. For you will observe that all the bossesinside of the top of the frame correspond to the organs as described inthis plaster-cast on the table. I then screw down pretty tight, andincrease the pressure daily, until the organ disappears altogether, oris reduced to the size required."

  "I comprehend that part perfectly, sir," replied Jack; "but now explainto me by what method you contrive to raise an organ which does notpreviously exist."

  "That," replied Mr Easy, "is the greatest perfection of the wholeinvention, for without I could do that, I could have done little. Ifeel convinced that this invention of mine will immortalise me. Observeall these little bell-glasses which communicate with the air-pump. Ishave my patient's head, grease it a little, and fix on the bell-glass,which is exactly shaped to fit the organ in length and breadth. I workthe air-pump, and raise the organ by an exhausted receiver. It cannotfail. There is my butler, now; a man who escaped hanging last springassizes on an undoubted charge of murder. I selected him on purpose; Ihave flattened down murder to nothing, and I have raised benevolencetill it's like a wen."

  "I am afraid my poor father's head is an exhausted receiver," thoughtJack, who then replied, "Well, sir, if it succeeds it will be a goodinvention."

  "If it succeeds!--why, it has succeeded!--it cannot fail. It has costme near two thousand pounds. By-the-bye, Jack, you have drawn veryliberally lately, and I had some trouble, with my own expenses, to meetyour bills; not that I complain--but what with societies, and mymachine, and tenants refusing to pay their rents on the principle thatthe farms are no more mine than theirs, which I admit to be true, I havehad some difficulty in meeting all demands."

  "The Governor was right," thought Jack, who now inquired after DrMiddleton.

  "Ah, poor silly man! he's alive yet--I believe doing well. He is onewho will interfere with the business of others, complains of myservants--very silly man indeed--but I let him have his own way. So Idid your poor mother. Silly woman, Mrs Easy--but never mind that."

  "If you please, sir, I have also a complaint to make of the servants fortheir insolence to me: but we will adjourn,
if you please, as I wish tohave some refreshment."

  "Certainly, Jack, if you are hungry; I will go with you. Complain of myservants, say you?--there must be some mistake--they are all shaved, andwear wigs, and I put them in the machine every other morning; but I meanto make an alteration in one respect. You observe, Jack, it requiresmore dignity: we must raise the whole machinery some feet, ascend itwith state as a throne, for it is the throne of reason, the victory ofmind over nature."

  "As you please, sir; but I am really hungry just now."

  Jack and his father went into the drawing-room and rang the bell; notbeing answered, Jack rose and rang again.

  "My dear sir," observed Mr Easy, "you must not be in a hurry; every mannaturally provides for his own wants first, and afterwards for those ofothers. Now my servants--"

  "Are a set of insolent scoundrels, sir, and insolence I never permit. Iknocked one down as I entered your house, and, with your permission, Iwill discharge two, at least, to-morrow."

  "My dear son," exclaimed Mr Easy, "you knocked my servant down!--areyou not aware by the laws of equality--"

  "I am aware of this, my dear father," replied Jack, "that by all thelaws of society we have a right to expect civility and obedience fromthose we pay and feed."

  "Pay and feed! Why, my dear son--my dear Jack--you must recollect--"

  "I recollect, sir, very well; but if your servants do not come to theirrecollection in a very short time, either I or they must quit thehouse."

  "But, my dear boy, have you forgotten the principles I instilled intoyou? Did you not go to sea to obtain that equality foiled by tyrannyand despotism here on shore? Do you not acknowledge and support myphilosophy?"

  "We'll argue that point to-morrow, sir--at present I want to obtain mysupper;" and Jack rang the bell furiously.

  The butler made his appearance at this last summons, and he was followedby Mesty, who looked like a demon with anger.

  "Mercy on me, whom have we here?"

  "My servant, father," exclaimed Jack, starting up; "one that I can trustto, and who will obey me. Mesty, I wish some supper and wine to bebrought immediately--see that scoundrel gets it ready in a moment. Ifhe does not, throw him out of the door, and lock him out. Youunderstand me."

  "Yes, massa," grinned Mesty; "now you hab supper very quick, or Mestyknow the reason why. Follow me, sar," cried Mesty, in an imperativetone to the butler; "quick, sar, or by de holy poker, I show you whatMesty can do;" and Mesty grinned in his wrath.

  "Bring supper and wine immediately," said Mr Easy, giving an order suchas the butler had never heard since he had been in the house.

  The butler quitted the room, followed by the Ashantee.

  "My dear boy--my Jack--I can make every allowance for hunger, it isoften the cause of theft and crime in the present unnatural state ofsociety--but really you are too violent. The principles--"

  "Your principles are all confounded nonsense, father," cried Jack in arage.

  "What, Jack! my son--what do I hear? This from you--nonsense! Why,Jack, what has Captain Wilson been doing with you?"

  "Bringing me to my senses, sir."

  "Oh, dear, oh, dear! my dear Jack, you will certainly make me losemine."

  "Gone already," thought Jack.

  "That you, my child, so carefully brought up in the great and gloriousschool of philosophy, should behave this way--should be so violent--forget your sublime philosophy, and all--just like Esau, selling yourbirthright for a mess of pottage. Oh, Jack, you'll kill me! and yet Ilove you, Jack--whom else have I to love in this world? Never mind,we'll argue the point, my boy--I'll convince you--in a week all will beright again."

  "It shall, sir, if I can manage it," replied Jack.

  "That's right, I love to hear you say so--that's consoling, veryconsoling--but I think now I was wrong to let you go to sea, Jack."

  "Indeed you were not, father."

  "Well, I'm glad to hear you say so; I thought they had ruined you,destroyed all your philosophy--but it will be all right again--you shallcome to our societies, Jack--I am president--you shall hear me speak,Jack--you shall hear me thunder like Demosthenes--but here comes thetray."

  The butler, followed by Mesty, who attended him as if he was hisprisoner, now made his appearance with the tray--laid it down in a sulkymanner and retired. Jack desired Mesty to remain.

  "Well, Mesty, how are they getting on in the servants' hall?"

  "Regular mutiny, sar--ab swear dat dey no stand our nonsense, and dat weboth leave the house to-morrow."

  "Do you hear, sir, your servants declare that I shall leave your houseto-morrow."

  "You leave my house, Jack, after four years' absence!--no, no. I'llreason with them--I'll make them a speech. You don't know how I canspeak, Jack."

  "Look you, father, I cannot stand this; either give me a carte-blancheto arrange this household as I please, or I shall quit it myselfto-morrow morning."

  "Quit my house, Jack! no, no--shake hands and make friends with them; becivil, and they will serve you--but you know upon the principles--"

  "Principles of the devil!" cried Jack in a rage.

  "Of the devil, Jack; dear me! I wish you had never gone to sea."

  "In one word, sir, do you consent, or am I to leave the house?"

  "Leave the house! Oh, no; not leave the house, Jack. I have no son butyou. Then do as you please--but you must not send away my murderer, forI must have him cured, and shown as a proof of my wonderful invention."

  "Mesty, get my pistols ready for to-morrow morning, and your own too--doye hear?"

  "All ready, massa," replied Mesty; "I tink dat right."

  "Right!--pistols, Jack! What do you mean?"

  "It is possible, father, that you may not have yet quite cured yourmurderer, and therefore it is as well to be prepared. I will now wishyou goodnight; but before I go, you will be pleased to summon one of theservants that he may inform the others that the household is under mycontrol for the future."

  The bell was again rung, and was this time answered with moreexpedition. Jack told the servant, in the presence of his father, that,with the consent of the latter, he should hereafter take the wholecontrol of the establishment, and that Mesty would be the major-domofrom whom they would receive their orders. The man stared, and cast anappealing look to Mr Easy, who hesitated, and at last said:

  "Yes, William; you'll apologise to all, and say that I have made thearrangement."

  "You apologise to none, sir," cried Jack; "but tell them that I willarrange the whole business to-morrow morning. Tell the woman to comehere and show me my bedroom. Mesty, get your supper and then come up tome; if they dare to refuse you, recollect who does, and point them outto-morrow morning. That will do, sir; away with you, and bring flatcandlesticks."