by Quil Carter
“Your father hits you, doesn’t he?” I asked. I didn’t mean to be so direct, but there was nothing inside of me that felt like dancing around questions. This man had just seen me with my wrists cut open, the tiptoes around sensitive topics weren’t necessary.
Julian flinched, before nodding. “Yeah,” he said as he began to wrap my left wrist in gauze. “My dad’s… a bit of a drunk. My mom’s severely depressed after… after my brother and sister both died. She rarely gets out of bed. It’s really hard on my dad which is why he drinks. It’s not their fault, they’re trying their best… it’s just a difficult time for them but they’ll snap out of it.” Then that smile came back and Julian’s shining navy blue eyes swept the room. “But that’s why I have this place, right? I’m a king in my own skyscraper.” He beamed at me, and once again the dark abandoned room seemed to become lighter. “What else can an arian want? This is paradise.”
Already I disliked the thought of someone mistreating him. “I can order him to Stadium if you like,” I said. I wasn’t sure if I could do this, not with how my home life was going to be after. I didn’t know what I was going to come to once I returned. I really… hadn’t planned on returning.
He was still sleeping in my bed… my oasis.
Julian laughed. “Order him to Stadium? Don’t tempt me, prince,” he said, his voice snatching me as I walked along the edges of the dark chasm. That voice seemed to pull me back, dragging my weak body towards the light.
I was crazy for it… but already… already I liked him. Already I was feeling shreds of happiness because he wanted us to be friends.
I barely knew this man. I was pathetic, absolutely pathetic. He was a veritable stalker, and here I was…
Here I was.
“I have food if you like…” he continued, and the sudden way he continued talking after the silence made me suspect that he knew when my mind was wandering. “Like I said, I love to cook. I do all of the cooking in the house now. I usually just make big pots of stuff for my mom and dad to pick at throughout the week. I can make a mean arian chili, an award-winning spaghetti, and shepard’s pie to die for.” He grinned, every tooth showing; he had such candid facial expressions. “I’m an excellent repair man as well, as you may have guessed.” He motioned behind him to the dining table which I’d previously observed was covered in small appliances and electronics. “So when we run away to the greywastes I can fix the stuff people scavenge. I’m super good at fixing electronics blown from the sestic pulse too. I also fix cars and trucks. I’m studying to be a mechanic once I graduate.”
Graduate? “How old are you?” I asked, anxiety jumping around me like a Ping-Pong ball. I’d be humiliated if he knew what had gone on during that month I’d gone to Skyland High. He’d already seen me at my worst, and I didn’t want him to have further proof that I was an absolute pathetic mess.
Not like there was much more he could see however… “What school do you go to?”
Julian finished bandaging my left wrist and moved onto the right. The stopper was now hardened in the wound; the bleeding had completely stopped. “I’m homeschooled but I’ll be graduated soon. I’m seventeen,” he said. I breathed a sigh of relief, and unfortunately he noticed. “I didn’t get a chance to see… you know, what happened with you and the unfortunate people who crossed you. I heard about it though, my brother went to that school.”
I groaned, but the cheerful laugh banished my vocal exasperation. “I’m glad I’m your friend, you’re quite the scary guy when you want to be.”
“It doesn’t matter in the end…” I said quietly. “The only person I wish was scared of…” Suddenly, bright lights flashed in front of my eyes, and the world around me began to spin rapidly. I heard Julian say my name in a frightened tone, then his hands grab me roughly. For a second, I didn’t know why he was snatching me in such a way, until I realized I’d begun falling forward.
“Fuck… fuck… lay down, just lay down.” He lowered me onto the couch. I tried to tell him I was okay but my body felt like it had become lead. I couldn’t move, and I could barely speak.
I laid down onto the couch, then felt a hand brush back my hair. “Just relax… I don’t think… I should’ve had you sitting up. I’m sorry, I’m not a doctor in the least…” He swore at himself, sounding upset. I didn’t like him upset. “Just relax and close your eyes. I’ll watch over you.”
He’ll watch over me?
That made me feel… safe. Knowing he would be here.
“It’s okay,” Julian whispered. “I promise… I’m not a psycho.”
My heavy eyes searched the spinning room, and before I slipped off into lethargy, I croaked, “Sounds l-like… something a psycho would… would say.” And the darkness took me while listening to him laugh.
I woke up many hours later, still on the couch with a thousand pounds of sand seemingly in my eyes, and my limbs stiff and tight. I blinked and squinted, trying to adjust to being awake, then I shifted up to the sitting position, drowsy, but conscious.
Julian was slumped on a ratty green swivel chair, completely unconscious and snoring lightly. I had to smile when I saw a half-empty cup of what smelled like coffee sitting beside him next to a dirty ashtray. He’d tried to stay up all night to watch over me… but sleep had claimed him in the end.
I’d woken up several times in the middle of the night, which made me more than aware of where I was the moment I woke up. Every time I’d woken, he’d been there, telling me to go back to sleep, and that it was still late at night. I didn’t have to…
Oh god. What time was it? Silas… Oh fuck, if Silas wakes up and sees I’m gone from Alegria… he’s going to kill me. I can’t risk Julian.
I scrambled to my feet, my heart hammering in my chest, and my commotion had Julian jolting from his sleep, his own eyes squinting like mine had been.
“You’re up…” he said with a yawn. “I have some apples if…” His eyes fully opened when he saw the expression on my face. “What’s… what’s wrong?”
“I have to go back,” I said desperately. “It’s morning… if he wakes up and finds me gone… I don’t want to get you…” I looked down at my wrists, bandaged and clean, and groaned. I spotted my jacket and put it on, and said a brief thanks to the universe when the sleeves fully covered the bandages. I can’t have him see… I have to hide them from him. Fuck. Somehow… somehow…
Julian got up. “I’ll walk you back…”
“No,” I said sharply, and when he flinched and frowned, I sighed. “Sorry…” I whispered. I walked to him, and for him I managed a small smile. “I just don’t want to give him a reason to hurt you… I have to go on my own. He… he kills everyone I like.”
“Are you well-enough?” he asked quietly.
I nodded. “I am… I don’t feel dizzy anymore.” I zipped up my jacket and took in a deep breath. “It’s still cold out… I can wear long sleeves…”
“Will I see you again?”
I paused, and looked at him like he was crazy. “Of course,” I said. And that… that was when the bright smile returned. “We’re friends, right?”
Julian’s closed mouth smile turned into a grin. “Yeah, we are,” he said. I saw a bit of blush come to his cheeks. I couldn’t believe now was the time he decided to be shy. “Would you… like to come over tonight?”
Now it was my turn to smile a genuine smile. How I could go from attempting suicide to smiling was anyone’s guess. I think Julian had some magic in him, that was the only way to explain how I was feeling, the warm rush that was going through me.
“Yes,” I said. And I wanted to do nothing more. “Once everyone is asleep… and I’ll… I’ll be here.”
͠
I’ll be here. Just like he was there for me… I’ll be there. Anytime, anywhere… just call me, and I’ll come running.
I wish I knew then… how important this man would become. But perhaps the way my body was reacting to him, the sparks underneath my skin as the chemistry bubbled bet
ween us, I already knew just who he was.
And as I walked down the busy road, full of people rushing off to work, I found myself unable to hide the smile on my face, and the strange feeling of… actually looking forward to another day.
͠
CHAPTER 30
I ended up falling asleep in Nero’s room. My brother had a lounger chair near his wall of windows, one we occasionally pulled onto the deck to have afternoon naps in the sun, and it was a perfect place for me to sleep the remaining hours away. I hadn’t even checked my bedroom to see if Silas was still there, the house was asleep once I entered, and from a glance at our Felix cat clock on the wall, it was six thirty in the morning. It was earlier than I’d thought it would be, but I still didn’t think I would be able to get away spending the night out. There were always nosey thiens, and the ones who were guarding the entrance gave me twin worried looks, and enough security cameras to track my movements until I ducked into that abandoned skyscraper with my new best friend.
Julian… it was an embarrassing thing to admit, but I dreamed about him.
We were walking through Sunshine Park, a park near Alegria that Cristo and the other sengils used to take us all the time to get some fresh air and to let us play. I hadn’t been to that park in years, the association with Cristo making it too painful for me to go back there, but it had once been a place that I’d enjoyed being.
That was all we were doing, and yet there was no need for us to do anything more. We were walking side by side with the sun warming our faces and the grass soft underneath our shoes. There were many words on my tongue, things I wished to say and felt like I could say, for there was no anxieties or reservations inside of me. But I remained silent. I was silent because I wanted to get to know his presence, not just his voice.
An excited anticipation went through me however when Julian turned to me. The dream told me that he was about to say something important, and I waited with baited breath to hear his words.
But instead of opening his mouth, oddly, Julian raised his hand.
And poked me in the eye.
I flinched, the pain all too real for a dream, and was taken from the first good dream I’d had in years and thrown back into the cold reality that was my life.
And as I opened my eyes, I saw a chubby red-haired baby giving me a gummy smile, then he advanced a little hand towards my eyes and squealed with delight when I recoiled away from his wiggling fingers.
Obviously having the time of his life, Ceph clapped.
“You’re only three months old and you can already sit up and clap,” I mumbled. I squinted my eyes, still full of sleep and blurry, and looked around the room to see who had brought him. Nero’s room was empty however, but since Ceph couldn’t crawl yet, plus he was between me and the wall so he wouldn’t tumble off of the bed, it was obvious he’d been placed.
Then above me, I heard faint yelling. I sighed and sat up, my eyes glancing at the ceiling. “So you’re down here because there’s a fight going on upstairs?” I said to him. I threw my blankets off of me and picked up my brother. “At least they must know I’m home then.” Did they even know I left? I couldn’t be that lucky…
A part of me wanted to stay down here in Nero’s bedroom with the baby, but I decided to brave the upstairs. If Silas was having it out with someone… maybe that meant that he’d leave me alone.
I found a suitable long sleeve shirt to hide the gauze on my wrists, and walked upstairs with Ceph in my arms. I walked slowly, hoping to be able to listen and gauge what the fight was about, and it didn’t take long for the next yell to break what I bet had been a tense stand-off silence.
Ceph didn’t seem to mind the yelling at all, if anything he seemed fascinated with the raised voices, his green eyes were wide and it seemed like he was listening just as intently as I.
“You can either tell him it’s over, or I’ll make it over,” I heard Silas snarl. My eyebrows raised, and I suppressed a smile when Ceph, who was making eye contact with me at the time, raised his eyebrows too.
“Screw that. You said I’m an adult now. If I want to date someone, I can!” Nero snapped. My brother sounded angry. It wasn’t a rare thing for Nero to become angry, he was quite the hot-head, but this seemed to be an entirely new level of fury.
And it was obvious why… it sounded like Nero got a boyfriend. I knew it wouldn’t take him long. He was fifteen now, and was probably ready to venture past only having Garrett and Silas as sex partners.
“Actually, you can’t,” Silas said coolly. “I was going to sit you and Garrett down to discuss the rules with dating. But with this new attitude, quite frankly, I don’t think you’re mature enough to handle a relationship.”
“You told me I can’t date a man I like. If you didn’t think that would piss me off… you’re a retard. Looks like that radiation’s been sinking into your fucking brain, Kingy.”
“He’s going to get hit,” I mumbled. And as if my words were a magic spell, I heard a smack. I covered the last several steps until I was in the hallway, and saw, just in time, Nero wind his fist back, his face red and furious, and attempt to punch Silas.
Silas was the embodiment of stealth. He ducked, just a blur of blond hair, and Nero’s fist punched nothing but air. This threw Nero off balance, and as he stumbled forward, Silas slid to the left, retracted his own fist, and punched Nero in the side of the head.
Nero stumbled and slammed into the wall, his hand flying up to his head and his face grimacing in pain. Silas wasn’t done though, I watched, and so did the baby, as Silas grabbed Nero’s groin through his pants.
I heard the electrical snap and I felt it too. Nero howled from pain, his body suddenly becoming tight and rigid, then he fell to the floor, stiff as a board. The climax of humiliation was yet to come however, soon I saw a wet patch form from the electricity making Nero piss himself.
“Test your teeth on me all you like, Nero Sebastian,” Silas said, his voice diving deep into hostile waters. And even though Nero was taller than him, bulkier and stronger too, he towered over my brother. “Every stair you climb; I’ll be waiting at the top to knock you back down where you belong.” Nero’s face was scrunched and crimson red. He had his mouth open in a soundless scream as he cupped his groin through his jeans.
Silas turned from him, a sneer on his lips and his eyes green fire pits. I realized too late that I was now in his line of sight, and before I could go back downstairs to hide from him, he spotted me.
I’d wondered while speaking with Julian last night, just what he was going to do when he saw me. Would he feel guilty for forcing himself on me? Would he do the mental gymnastics necessary to convince himself he didn’t rape me? Or would he just ignore what happened?
I shouldn’t have asked the question, even internally, because the answer I got was not the one that I’d expected or wanted.
He smiled… and began to walk towards me. I stayed where his smile had left me, standing in the curved archway that separated the hallway from the main living space, and felt my stomach start to fill with a noxious substance.
And with each gliding step that this king took towards me, more fetid liquid was injected, as if his gaze were a thousand hypodermic needles.
I wanted to turn and run, but I found that I was frozen. I could physically feel my own heart beating and the sounds of mine and Ceph’s were reminiscent of the low drum beats one hears when the monster in the movies is about to make a grisly kill.
Why is he smiling? I knew it was foolish, but there was a paper-thin wish buried deep down inside of me that hoped he’d be remorseful; that he’d see how much he’s damaged me.
That my first full sexual experience had been… had been…
I hated that word. I didn’t want to use it. It was a horrible, grating word and associating myself with it made me feel all the more weaker and vulnerable, two things that I so desperately didn’t want to be anymore.
But it was what it was… Silas had taken my virtue through rape.
>
And he was smiling because of it.
Oh how I didn’t think it was possible to hate him more – but here I stand.
Here I stand.
“My lovely has returned.” I hid the unease on my face when I saw the look in his eyes. He was staring at me with love and devotion to the point of delusion. There was just no way he could be acting this way after what he’d done to me last night. There had been blood all over his groin when he’d removed himself from me, a dark, almost black ring of it around the head from where the shape of the crown had made it collect. My backside was smudged with red and the smell of blood had saturated the room.
Silas brought his hand to my cheek and every shred of self-control was exercised when I felt those cold talons touch me. He rubbed my cheek in a caring manner, the look of love confusing and alarming to me.
“I’ve never felt closer to you,” he whispered. “Last night was incredible, wasn’t it, love?”
W-what?
You delusional bastard.
Just when I thought you couldn’t sink any lower.
I didn’t know what to say to him, my tongue was glued to the roof of my mouth. So badly did I want to grab him, shake him back and forth and scream in his face that he’d raped me last night. He’d added another wound to my already infected body, another scar that would never heal, only carry around for the rest of my life.
But I couldn’t. I didn’t fully know why at the time… but I couldn’t confront him.
