by Quil Carter
But I was full of faults… because my life was such shit, such a collection of horrible moments and monotony, that any spark, any positive light shining down on this void, was met with a cry of relief… and two outstretched arms that begged the man wielding the light to carry him out of the darkness.
My fault was that… whenever someone made me feel happy… a feeling so foreign and strange to me at times… I remembered how good life could get, and I wanted more of it. I wanted to be happy. I wasn’t damaged enough to push away love like some people… on the contrary, I clutched it to my chest and cried from relief.
So when I knocked quietly on Julian’s door, my world spinning around from the fast pulse shooting anxious adrenaline all throughout my body, I had to fight back the urge to dive into his arms and sob.
This stranger… that I barely knew.
The breath was taken from my throat when I heard footsteps approach, and percussion after percussion shot through my heart like it was the only pathway during a lightning storm. It seemed to take forever until I heard the locks unlatch, and another lifetime waiting for the knob to turn and the door to open.
Light flooded the hallway and Julian appeared. He was smiling, a real smile that had his navy blue eyes shining with happiness and the dimples on his cheeks become little divots made in porcelain skin. His dark brown hair was falling over his forehead, partially covering the band aid still on his brow, and it was freshly cleaned and styled, fragrant with floral shampoo and hairspray to make the ends that fell over his ears flip upwards.
But as if my presence alone was a cloth wiping his expression, that smile faded, replaced by eyes consumed with sadness.
“What happened?” he said, his words choked. “What did he do–” I’m not sure what compelled him, but he looked down and his hand flew to his mouth with a gasp. “Your feet! Where are your shoes? Your socks are soaked in blood.” Before I could answer, he took my forearm into his hand and urged me inside, then I heard the door click shut and lock behind us.
I wanted to answer him, but the painful vice in my throat, mixed in with the pressure and burning both behind my eyes and over the bridge of my nose, told me that if I did, I ran the risk of completely breaking down. He was my rock, already this man was my rock, but I was terrified of overwhelming him and causing him to leave. I needed him.
Julian walked with me to the living room. The apartment was warm and aromatic, with the scent of something baking, and there was an electric fireplace against one of the boarded up floor-to-ceiling windows. This apartment gave off the atmosphere of being homey and comfortable, it was cozy and… I realized as I sat down on the living room couch… that I actually felt safe here.
I felt safe.
Julian sat down beside me; he was holding gauze for my feet. “Can… I just want to hug you, put a hand on your shoulder or something but… I don’t know you well enough to know if that’ll be okay.”
My eyes were staring blankly at the entrance to the kitchen, separated by a breakfast counter stacked with half-repaired electronics. I couldn’t speak in that moment; all I did was go over every detail of that kitchen. The brown and black checkered backsplash, the white and coffee granite counter tops. Oh, the oven was on… what was he making?
“Elish?” Julian whispered. I heard him sigh. I guess he decided to take the chance because I felt his arm slide behind my back and rest on my shoulder. “Talk to me. Did he… did he do it again?”
Finally, my senses decided to allow me use of my tongue. “He… almost did,” I said, my words slow, as if my own mind wanted to delay what I was going to have to admit. “He acted… he fucking acted like it was consensual. He was all loving towards me, treating me like he used to before I… before I had that nervous breakdown when I was eight. I went to another council meeting today and he couldn’t shut up about how proud he was of me.”
My brows met as I tried to make sense of what had happened today. “What was alarming… was that he genuinely believed that had happened.”
“He was faking it…” Julian said. I heard anger in his voice, a voice that was cheerful and optimistic most of the time. “What a fucking asshole.”
“No…” I whispered, my head shaking back and forth. I slowly turned to Julian, the confusion amplifying now that I’d had time to sit and think. “You don’t understand, he… he tried to do it tonight. He wanted to ride me on the living room couch and… when I began to panic he was confused. I kind of snapped and ended up yelling at him what he’d done – Julian, he was devastated, absolutely devastated.”
I shouldn’t be sharing this with someone I don’t know. But I couldn’t stop myself. There wasn’t anyone else I could tell this to. “He’s insane,” I said. Julian rubbed my shoulder and pulled me close to him. “He was always… he always got angry at the drop of a hat. But this? This is full-on delusional.”
“I’m so sorry,” Julian said. His touch was soothing, and his body being so close to mine… it wasn’t making me anxious – I liked it. “I’m just… glad he didn’t touch you again. I was a wreck today worrying about you.”
He was worrying about me? It still seemed strange having someone you don’t know show concern like that. I didn’t really know how I was supposed to respond. “I’m safe for today,” I said. “I stayed away from him as much as I could. He was yelling at Nero today at least. I was out of his line of sight for the most part. Did you do anything interesting today?” I didn’t want to talk about my issues with Silas, it made my stomach hurt even more.
“Pretty routine… left the house earlier than usual,” Julian said. “I’ve been here since four. Dad was pretty pissed off I didn’t end up coming home last night.” He got up off of the couch and walked towards the kitchen. “I made you something. Well, us something. Brownies!”
But it wasn’t brownies that I wanted, even though I would humour him to be polite. I instead reached into my trousers and removed my wallet, then fished through the money pouch until I found one of several of the baggies I carried around.
Julian had a drinking glass on the coffee table; it was half full of water. I popped two of the Xanax into my mouth and washed it down with the water.
Fire suddenly burned my throat as I swallowed. I gagged and coughed, the glass almost slipping out of my hand as I doubled over in choking coughs.
“Oh shit! No, no, Elish that’s fucking vodka!” Julian was there in a flash. He took the glass from me swearing and started hitting my back. “I’m sorry, if I brought the entire bottle my dad would be suspicious… I… I bring it in a glass or a plastic bottle. Oh shit.”
He jumped up and ran into the kitchen, when he returned, Julian handed me a glass of what I assumed was real water. I took a long drink, my throat on fire, and gave him an unimpressed look.
Julian flashed me an apologetic smile. “Brownie?” he said shyly.
“It better be a big one,” I said as I rubbed my mouth. “You might as well tell me where some drink mix is… I’ll make us both a drink. I assume that was what you were wanting to do?” I’d never had alcohol with Xanax, but I hoped it would help keep me calm. I didn’t want to be a wreck with him tonight. I wanted to just have some time away from my problems, not Dr. Phil them like Julian wanted to do. Just… hang out with a friend and relax.
We both sat down with vodka mixed with Cherry Spritz, a clear pop with cherry flavouring, and a large brownie with a small bowl of icing to dip it into. We’d both grabbed a fork and were sitting facing each other on the couch eating it.
“I’m really happy you came here tonight,” Julian said. He was smiling as he looked down at the brownie. “I was worried it would just be a one-time thing and I’d go back to seeing you only on the television.”
Did he really think that? I shouldn’t tell him how I was looking forward to returning here the entire day. Or how much I’d needed a place to hide myself, a calm space where Silas couldn’t reach me. I didn’t want to look desperate… even though I felt like that and more.
&n
bsp; “I can’t leave you alone in this place all by yourself,” I said. Then, before I could stop myself, a faint smile came to my lips. “Last night was the first time I’ve felt happy in I don’t know how long.”
My heart skipped when his eyes deflected from mine, and the smitten feeling I’d been experiencing gave a flare when I noticed his cheeks and the tips of his ears turning red. “You’re so nice to say that,” he said. “I never would’ve thought you’d turn out to be so sweet.”
I scoffed. “Sweet?” I said incredulously. “Dear peasant, I am anything but!”
Julian giggled and waved a hand dismissively at me. I smiled at this, but was confused when Julian’s eyes went wide. “That’s a real smile! Look at that. I bet if I did something hilarious right now I’ll see teeth.”
I rolled my eyes and tried to lift my hand to put it to my mouth, only to find that it was feeling kind of heavy. I ended up waving it back instead, and then saying in a joking manner: “There’s nothing you can do, lowborn. My life is a constant chore and misery stalks my heels. There’s nothing to laugh about!”
Julian continued to giggle at this. My heart filled at making him laugh, and though it was broken and full of holes, the light he brought to it remained inside. I could physically feel the brightness light up places inside of me that had been dark and dormant, both turned off from the traumatic incidences in my life, or had never seen light to begin with.
He was… he just was…
“You’re like a human anti-depressant, except you actually work,” I said to him quietly. I raised my hand, heavier than it had been only moments before, and even though it was an out-of-character move in every sense, I gently brushed my fingers down his cheek. “I’m in awe of how… you were able to do this.”
The blush that had already stained his pale cheeks with red, deepened, and at the same time I heard him take in, yet try and suppress, a sharp inhale. “Call me crazy but… even though I only knew you from the TV and the newspapers… I always thought we could be friends. I never in my life dreamed it would be a reality though.” Julian laughed lightly, and his head tilted towards my touch. “It’s insane, and I know it is, you probably think I’m some crazy stalker for pursuing you like this… but I just always felt a connection towards…” Julian’s words trailed and a look of deep concern crossed his face. “Elish… are you okay?” He shifted back from me, just as my body, suddenly tripling in weight, swayed to the side. Julian’s concerned face disappeared as I toppled off of the couch.
I crashed into the coffee table, the edge of it digging into my side before sending me down to the floor. My head made contact with the ground, and several items that had been resting innocently on coffee table, fell around and on top of me.
“Elish! What’s wrong?” Julian cried. He was there in an instant, his face looking down at me as I stared up at the white ceiling, dazed, confused, and with the world spinning around me like a top after a hard spin.
What was wrong with me? I squinted at the ceiling as Julian tried to get me to sit up, but gravity seemed to be forcing me down with the palm of its hand. I felt… drunk, but worse than drunk. And there was no way I could get drunk from a swig of vodka and a glass of…
Oh… the Xanax.
I burst out laughing, a sure sign that I was entirely messed up. Julian seemed to realize this too because his face dropped and his eyes widened so much his dark blue irises were surrounded, three hundred and sixty degrees, with the whites of his eyes.
That poor boy looked terrified. It made me laugh harder. It was just so endearing that he was this worried because I was laughing; it just went to show how much he already knew me. When was the last time I even laughed? Had I even done it in the past ten years? Probably not.
Finally, through laughter I might add, I managed to speak. “When I was drinking that vodka… I was trying to swallow down some Xanax to make me not so nervous and terrorized. A pathetic attempt to make this a fun evening and not one with so much heaviness,” I admitted. I was still on my back, staring up at him with a glazed look. “I don’t think those two should mix, should they? I feel positively smashed.”
“Positively smashed?” Julian said lightly, then he laughed. “Who even talks like that? Look at you, you’re blitzed.” He pinched my cheek and shook it gently. Then he looked towards the apartment door. “I’m going to run to the pharmacy and get you some Suboxone. I think that works on Xanax as well. It’s practically across the street so…”
I made a dismissive noise and stood myself up. “Nah, I’ll be fine.” I got up, but immediately stumbled. Julian jumped to his feet and steadied me.
“I’m pulling rank on you, Prince Elish,” Julian said amused. “I want to get to know Elish, not Elish all looped up.” He put me on the couch and my head dropped from the weight of it. “I’ll be right back.”
“Nah…” I shook my head and got out my wallet. I handed it to him. “I have Suboxone in there. My brothers and my friend do drugs and I keep it for emergencies.” I popped it into my mouth and took a glass of water from Julian.
“It’ll take a half hour to kick in… the injections are instant…”
“I’m fine, you mother hen. Sit down,” I said exasperated. Then I started laughing again, for reasons I didn’t really know. “Oh, I like this stuff… I feel so relaxed now. Not a worry in the world…” The smile on my face faded, and became weighed with sadness. “I… like it. It’s… nice to not feel depressed and miserable.”
“Shit.” Julian sat down and put his arm back around me. He hugged me to him and rubbed my side. “I… I hate that this is your life.” He sighed and I heard him sniff. “We need to run away to the greywastes, don’t we?”
My head turned to him, and even though I felt drunk and the world was tilting around me like a tilt-a-whirl, I was shocked to see tears in his eyes.
“It would be best for you to stay away from me,” I whispered to him. “He kills everyone that’s competition for him… he takes away everything I love.” My eyes started to well. I put a hand over my mouth and my eyes shut tight. “I can’t be here. I can’t be your friend. I appreciate your help but I was born into this life, not you, and I refuse to watch him murder another man I care about.”
Julian was quiet, the only sound I heard from him was another sniff. “It started for me that night in Stadium…” he admitted quietly. “I was horrified with what he did to you. After that…” I turned and stared at him in shock, and saw a tear drip down his cheek. “I always worried about what was happening to you. I’d read all the articles on you to see what you were doing… and years later when I saw you walking down that dark street… and saw the state you were in… I realized that I could never live with myself if I didn’t help, in anyway I could.”
He… saw me that day?
Cristo…
The devastation hit me… and it hit me like a mac truck. Swiftly, the Xanax and vodka giving no concern over the shreds of dignity I could still salvage with Julian, I let out a choked sob and my eyes became blurry with tears.
I missed him. He would’ve known what to do with me. He would’ve made me not hate this horrible existence Silas has forced upon me. Cristo… he knew how to do everything. That man loved me, every good memory I have as a child involved him.
And involved him sticking up for me when it came to Silas.
Before I knew it, Julian had his arms around me. He was pulling me to him as I did battle with the tears burning my eyes. I refused to break down, and my steeled will was allowing me that at least, but the tears were dripping down my cheeks and I was unable to do anything but hold myself together.
“Let’s leave,” he said quietly. “Let’s run away from all of this.”
Run away?
I felt the sobriety trickle back to me as I pulled away from Julian. I shook my head, and at that, his face dropped and his lips pursed tightly. “I can’t run away,” I said quietly. “This is my home… and chimeras don’t run away. We don’t…” In my thoughts, I saw Si
las staring down at me, every inch the king of the world. “We don’t pass our problems off to others. I’m a prince, Julian. And not only that… if I run away I’ll never be able to look at myself in the mirror.” A part of me didn’t understand why I was saying this. I had every right to run away.
“He’s… raping you. He’s–”
“Don’t say that word,” I whirled around and snapped.
Julian recoiled. “S-sorry,” he stammered.
But his apology did nothing. I rose up off of the couch and towered over him. “You don’t understand any of this, Julian,” I said to him sharply. Flames of anger were growing inside of me. Or I was convincing myself it was anger. In truth, although I didn’t want to admit it, I was embarrassed over what Silas had done to me and it was all the more humiliating that Julian knew about it. “You think you know me, but you don’t. I’m not weak, nor am I someone in need of saving. I’m a fucking chimera and I was raised to be strong and endurant. Don’t think for a fucking second that I’m some pity case, some fucking weakling that is so useless and helpless he needs a seventeen-year-old kid to rescue him and save him.”
The shock on Julian’s face turned to hurt. “That’s what you believe I think of you?”
“You’ve been acting like that since before I met you,” I said. “You… you’re acting like I’m a weakling and you’re trying to take care of me. I’m a genetically superior being with night vision. I can fucking hear your heartbeat, and I can land three-storeys onto the ground without breaking a bone. I’m not weak, or in need of nurturing, so get that out of your head right now.” Julian didn’t move, nor did he look up from his cowered position on the couch. “And about this fucking idea about running away… about fixing this… my life might be utter shit, but you don’t have the power to do anything about it. I can’t run away; I can’t hide from him… I have to let him do what he wants because if I show one ounce of defiance he crushes me. You act like there’s some magic solution to this, but there’s not. This is my life. And given everything he’s done to me… anybody else would’ve killed themselves at nine years old.”
