Rocked with Passion (A New Adult Rockstar Novel)

by Lacroix, Lila

  Just then, Jonathan leaned in and kissed me. It was completely out of nowhere, but it felt good. Memories of me at fifteen came flooding back into my head. This was exactly like that night, with Jonathan soft lips against mine. His hands found my hips, and I pulled him closer to me, matching his passion with my own.

  Jonathan’s hand found my breast, cupping it gently in his large hand, his fingers tweaking my nipples over my clothes. I rubbed his chest with my hand, reaching under his shirt to get even better access at his muscular body.

  My eyes were closed as Jonathan’s tongue slipped into my mouth. He took his mouth from mine just long enough to whisper into my ear “you’re amazing Sara.”

  I was in heaven. With every passing second, I felt like I was on a cloud floating higher and higher into the air. Suddenly, the song playing stopped, and I was hurtled back down to earth. I pulled away from Jonathan suddenly, gasping for air as I looked at him.

  “What’s wrong Sara?” Jonathan asked. “Was it something I did?”

  “I… I just can’t do this. I’m with Kevin, I can’t do this to him. I can’t do this with you. I thought I could be professional, I thought I could quash all of the feelings I had, but I can’t. I just can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry.”

  With that, I got up and rushed out of the club. I could hear Jonathan calling me from inside the building, but I didn’t turn back. When I got outside, I hailed a waiting cab and gave him my address. Tears welled in my eyes as we sped across Los Angeles, across the streets I was getting to know. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. I thought I was stronger than this, I thought I was going to be able to resist him. I knew I was wrong, and as much as my heart wanted to be with Jonathan, I knew that in reality it was never going to happen. I had to cut him loose, and go back to my safe life in Ohio.

  When I got to my apartment I asked the cab driver to wait outside. I packed a bag quickly. I just threw in a few clothes, some toiletries, my most important papers then I grabbed my purse and went back out to the taxi. My phone rang, and I checked the number. It was Jonathan, and I let it ring out. I just couldn’t speak with him right now.

  “To the airport, please” I asked, and we sped off towards LAX.

  Chapter Seven

  I booked a ticket on the first flight back to Cleveland. It was too late to call Kevin to pick me up, so I figured I would just grab a cab and surprise him. As I waited, I drink a bottle of water and slowly began to sober up. The more my wits came back to me, the more upset I was with what I’d done.

  This was exactly like the first time Jonathan had broken my heart. It was exactly like that. For the second time in my life, I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I felt empty, I felt hollow. There was no denying it anymore, I definitely loved Jonathan. The problem was, we still couldn’t be together. I wasn’t a cheater, and I had a life with Kevin. I loved Kevin as well, although if I was honest, I never felt that same pang in my chest every time I laid eyes on him. I never felt that same longing whenever he walked into the room, or that feeling of love so strong it hurt. Perhaps I did love Jonathan more than Kevin, but it didn’t matter. I was going back to Kevin now. I should have listened to my gut, and never gone to Los Angeles.

  How could I have done that to Kevin? After all, Kevin was going to be my husband. We were going to be married. And I’d kissed someone else! I’d kissed Jonathan, and I’d come really, really close to doing a lot more than kiss him. Shame coursed through me. I couldn’t believe I’d done that. I’d always thought cheaters were the worst kind of scum. I’d always told myself I would never be the type of person who would cheat on their boyfriend. And yet now, I’d done it. I’d kissed Jonathan Knight when I was still with Kevin.

  I mean yeah, of course I’d been lonely. I really had missed Kevin over the last few months. And I had been a bit drunk. But none of that was an excuse. Jonathan and I had also set a line. We’d decided that we weren’t going to let our relationship be anything other than completely professional and platonic. Hell, I didn’t even think Jonathan loved me anymore. It was also possible he didn’t; perhaps it was the alcohol, or simply pure physical desire without any underlying emotion on his part that made him lean down and kiss me. None of that mattered though, what mattered was that I’d betrayed Kevin.

  There was only one thing to do now, and I was going it. I had to fly back home, admit everything, apologize and hope Kevin could me more forgiving than I imagined I would be in the same situation. I would beg for forgiveness, and hope beyond hope that I hadn’t ruined our relationship forever.

  The nerves felt like they were crushing my chest. I kept going through every terrible scenario in my head, thinking about what would happen when I told Kevin. Would he kick me out immediately, telling me he never wanted to see me again? Honestly, I wouldn’t blame him if he did. Would he tell me I was scum, the worst person on the planet? I would deserve that too. Would he just leave, walk out without saying another word?

  I didn’t know, but I couldn’t let myself think anything good would happen. I sipped some water, trying to hide my bloodshot eyes from the flight attendant. I knew I should try and get an hour’s sleep or so, but I knew that wasn’t going to happen. Not with the mental state I was in. The exhaustion, fear, shame and nerves combined to make me feel like complete hell. I felt like I was going to throw up, consistently. It felt like in Grade 10, when we had to do a speech in front of the entire class, just before my name was called, only a hundred times worse. This was my future I might have screwed up. My future with a man that I loved. My future, that I’d planned on spending with Kevin, which might now be alone.

  My plane landed at 10 in the morning. I knew Kevin would be at work, so I decided to go back to our apartment. I would wait for him there, and try and maybe get some sleep before I told him about what I had done. I wasn’t looking forward to this conversation. It was funny though, despite all of my apprehension, despite all of my fears about admitting my sin, a part of me was looking forward to seeing him. After all, I still loved Kevin, and I hadn’t seen him in a little while. We spoke on the phone most nights, but that was nothing compared to actually seeing him in person. I hoped that admitting my mistake and immediately coming back to him would help him forgive me.

  The cab dropped me off in front of our apartment building, and I dug my keys out from my purse. It had been quite a while since I last used keys. Well, I suppose it hadn’t really been that long, but for someone who had never even left the state before, it felt like an eternity. After all, I now had my own apartment in Los Angeles. This was my second apartment, though it still felt more like home than my place in California.

  When I got to the front door, I paused. It sounded as though there was noise coming from inside the apartment. I frowned slightly. That’s weird, Kevin should be at work. My first thought was that may be it had been a public holiday that I had forgotten about, but I couldn’t think of anything. I chalked it up to maybe being the noisy fridge that Kevin always wanted to replace. I hoped it would quiet down quickly so I could get some sleep and silently slipped my key inside the door and turned the knob.

  When I opened the door, I realized there was definitely noise coming from inside the apartment, and it wasn’t coming from the fridge. Now I was starting to feel a little bit scared. Maybe I should have left and called the police. What if it was a burglar, what if he was armed? What would I do then? Should I go in? We lived on the third floor of the building, and after all the front door was locked, there was no way for a burglar to get into our place without coming in through the front.

  My heart pounding, I decided to go further into the house. I wasn’t really sure why, but I guess I didn’t want to bother the police if it was just the neighbor’s cat that had gotten through the screen door, and I didn’t think a burglar would lock the door behind him. I went down the hallway towards the living room, and discovered the source of the noise.

  If you had told me six hours earlier that my week was about to get even
worse, I wouldn’t have believed you. After all, what could be worse than what had already happened to me? Well, I was looking at it.

  Kevin, my sweet boyfriend Kevin, was fucking some random bimbo on our couch. I had no idea who she was, all I could see was her dyed blonde hair and large breasts bouncing back and forth as Kevin rammed into her from behind, his hands on her hips. On our couch. That couch where he’d done the same thing to me hundreds of times. That couch where we snuggled up together and watched TV late at night, or told each other about our hopes and fears for the future. Was I really seeing what I thought I was seeing? Was this really happening? Oh my God, this was really happening. My heart stopped. Like, I’m pretty sure it completely stopped beating. At any rate, I stopped breathing. My eyes widened as I stared at the scene in front of me. It was like a train wreck: there was nothing here I wanted to see, but I just couldn’t look away.

  I dropped the keys that I was still holding, which made them both turned to look. Kevin immediately went as white as a sheet as he pulled out of her, grabbing his pants and throwing them on. The blonde squealed and grabbed a sheet to cover herself up, staring at me with big brown eyes.

  “Sara? What the hell are you doing here?” Kevin asked.

  It took me a minute before I managed to get over the shock and answer him.

  “I… I came to see you. Holy shit, what the fuck are you doing?” Tears welled up in my eyes. This was so, so much worse than what I had done to Kevin. This was a million times worse. I couldn’t believe this was happening. Why did he do this to me? Why had Kevin betrayed me?

  “Kevin? Who is this?” The bimbo on the couch asked, looking at me suspiciously.

  “I’m his girlfriend. Or at least, I was.” Even in the situation I found myself in, I couldn’t avoid the complete irony of the situation. I’d expected to leave this apartment without a boyfriend, but I had never in a million years thought that it would be me breaking up with him. Of course, it was obvious to me now that that was what was going to happen. But holy shit, this wasn’t what I had expected to happen.

  “No, Sara, let me explain!” Kevin begged. I could feel the anger rising inside of me. I was in no mood to have anything explained to me.

  “It’s pretty self fucking evident don’t you think?” I replied.

  “I’m sorry, Kevin told me he was single” the bimbo told me, grabbing her clothes and putting them on. “What the fuck, Kevin?”

  “Don’t worry, he is now” I replied.

  “Sara, Leanne, please, it’s not what it looks like.”

  “Don’t insult my intelligence. You’re fucking someone else, how could it possibly not be what it looks like?” I replied.

  “Yeah, this pretty much seems exactly what it looks like” the other woman replied as well, standing up. I could see the fury in her face as well. Kevin had obviously been leading us both on, making us both think we were the only women in his lives. The rage inside of me was growing. I was angry. Actually, I was more than angry. I was fucking livid. I couldn’t believe Kevin had done this to me, after all the guilt and shame I’d felt for kissing Jonathan. Not to mention I couldn’t believe he’d done this to me at all. I was supposed to be his girlfriend. We were supposed to get married. We were supposed to be together forever, happy forever.

  “I was just lonely. I missed you, and I succumbed to my misery. It was once, just this once, I promise!” Kevin began to beg, his puppy dog eyes pleading for me to forgive him. Before I had a chance to reply though, the other woman cut in:

  “Are you fucking kidding me Kevin? Of course it hasn’t been just this once. You’re such a fucking liar. You’ve been telling me for six months that we’re a couple. I had no idea you had a girlfriend. I’m sorry, I wouldn’t have ever gone out with him if I didn’t know you two were together” she told me. I nodded.

  “Yeah, looks like he took us both for a ride.”

  Kevin’s eyes widened as he realized that the two of us knew exactly what he had done. We were both incredibly angry, and both of us wanted blood.

  “It’s… ummm, it’s not really how it looks…” he stammered, but it was way too late.

  “You’re a piece of shit, I never want to see you again” the woman told Kevin as she stormed out.

  “Same with me. I can’t fucking believe you.”

  “Wait. You wait, Sara. This is your fault, more than mine.”

  “What? My fault? How on earth is this my fault? You’re the one who was fucking someone else on our couch.”

  “You’re the one who went to Los Angeles. You’re the one who left me here alone.”

  “You’ve been fucking her for way longer than I’ve been in Los Angeles. Holy shit. I can’t even believe you right now. I’m just glad I found this out now and not after we were married, or God forbid, had kids. You’re scum. You’re absolutely scum, and I can’t believe I ever loved you.”

  “Listen, Sara, please! Why did you have to come back today?”

  “You know what the worst part is? I actually came back because of you. I accidentally kissed Jonathan last night, when I was drunk. Things were getting even heavier and I left. I fucking left. You know why? Because of you. I fucking didn’t do him last night because I still loved you. I immediately knew that you were so much more important to me than anything else that I went straight to the airport and decided I was going to quit and come be with you. You know why? Because NOTHING, not even Jonathan Knight, was more important to me than you. You were still my boyfriend, and I still loved you. I didn’t want to cheat on you. And now I come back, come here to beg for your forgiveness for kissing you, and I find that you’ve been fucking someone else for six months. You’re disgusting, and I never want to see you again.”

  “Look, Sara, I’ve said I’m sorry. Can you forgive me? I swear, I’ll do anything to keep you.”

  “Not a fucking chance. I’ve already wasted enough of my life on you, I’m not going to do it a second time. Not a chance. You pissed in the bed, now you have to sleep in it.”

  I turned around and walked out. I walked out of the apartment, I walked out of Kevin’s life.

  “Sara, wait!” he called after me, but for the second time in 24 hours, I ignored the pleas. I slammed the door behind me for the last time and the tears began to well up in my eyes. I didn’t have anything left in there that I really wanted to keep anyway, all of my important stuff I’d taken with me to Los Angeles. As far as I was concerned, Kevin could stay in that apartment for the rest of his life. I didn’t care. As the door slammed behind me, I knew the door had slammed on my old life. I would never be with Kevin again, ever. Not after that kind of betrayal.

  Chapter Eight

  Tears streamed down my face as I walked down the street. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t have anywhere to go. Almost instinctively, I walked to Sally’s place, where she immediately opened up and realized something was wrong. After all, I was supposed to be on the other side of the country.

  “Holy shit, Sara. What are you doing here? What’s wrong? Come in!” She was a cacophony of sympathy as I spilled everything to her. I told her about me and Jonathan in the club, I told her about how I hopped onto a plane, I told her about finding Kevin with that other woman, and discovering he’d been cheating on me for six months. I cried into her shoulder as Sally held me close, my best friend on the planet. She always knew exactly what to do. I knew Sally would make me feel better.

  On top of everything, Jonathan had started calling me every fifteen minutes. It was to the point where I had put my phone on silent just so I didn’t have to hear my ringtone every few minutes.

  As soon as I finished my story, Sally got up, grabbed two containers of ice cream from the freezer and handed one to me.

  “Eat” she ordered, and I ate. While I indulged in the sweet chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream (I loved how Sally knew it was my favourite) she told me what she thought.

  “I know this isn’t what you want to hear right now, but hear me out. I think you should go
back to LA. Go back and work for Jon again.”

  “What? Why would I do that?” I asked through tears and cookie dough. I was so embarrassed about what had happened. I wanted to forget all of it, I wanted to forget everything. I just wanted to sit here and eat ice cream for the rest of my life until I died, old, fat and never having left this house again. The last thing I wanted to do was to fly back to Los Angeles, pretend nothing had happened, and try and move on with my life while at the same time coming to grips with the fact that the man that I loved had completely betrayed me, absolutely one hundred percent betrayed me. It still seemed so insane, so incredible that a part of me didn’t want to believe it happened.

  “Well, you’ve been gone less than a day. That kind of absence can be explained. And honestly, you were really enjoying it from what I can tell. Weren’t you?”

  Sally had a bit of a point. “Yeah, I guess. But still. I completely rejected Jonathan. How can I look him in the eye now? Can we work together in the future? Can we even be together? Like, what happens between us now? It’ll be so awkward. Me having left, and then come back, and then the things that happened and didn’t happen. I don’t even want to think about how complicated things will be between us.”

  “Of course you can. Oh Sara, you always worry too much about these sorts of things. You and Jon will be fine. You’ll work together professionally, like you did even when you thought you might have loved him.”

  The more Sally spoke, the more the words coming out of her mouth started to make sense. I didn’t like it. I wanted to stay here, I wanted to feel sorry for myself. I didn’t want to go and face Jonathan again. That was the last thing I wanted.

  “But I’ve been ignoring his calls.”