The Healing Stream

by Connie Monk

  All that was only one side of the arrangements. Julian travelled by train and ferry to England where he put Fiddlers’ Green on the market and gave a month’s notice to the staff, with the exception of Miss Sherwin, who had been with them all Deirdre’s life. She was to stay on in the house until it was sold, see the furniture into store if the work hadn’t been completed at Casa Landera, and dispose of anything he didn’t require. In fact, trusting her implicitly, he arranged power of attorney for her to handle everything on his behalf. When at last the day came for her to catch the bus to Exeter for her onward journey to her bachelor brother in Maidstone, she would have a cheque for a year’s salary in her handbag and the knowledge that Julian had arranged for a not ungenerous pension to be paid into her account on the first day of each month.

  It had been the last week in July when he had taken Naomi to see Casa Landera, but they knew it would be many months before the work could be completed, the furniture in place and everything ready for them to move in. In the meantime he rented a furnished house in Llaibir.

  They knew that Deirdre was suffering mood swings, but none of them looked beneath the surface. It was easier to assume that she was frustrated by the time everything was taking and would be different once they were in their new home. She was probably impatient for the ability to sleep upstairs again and to have her own en suite bathroom. And so the reason for her sulky expression was accounted for and forgiven.

  ‘It hadn’t struck me she was gloomy, but I only see her down amongst the workers,’ Tessa said when Naomi mentioned how surprised she was that Deirdre was so moody now that a new freedom was on the horizon.

  ‘Doesn’t she come up to the house when that nice young Spaniard comes to fetch her?’

  ‘Timus Rodriguez?’

  ‘That’s right,’ Naomi said. ‘He drives over in his van to collect her then brings her with her chair in the hybrid.’ It was only then that another possibility struck her. ‘You don’t think she imagines she’s in love with him? Oh, heavens! Whatever we do to try to make her life more normal, in the end it can’t alter the basic fact. We ought to have kept our eyes open, Julian and I; perhaps then we could have interested her in something different, away from the Rodriguez family and their almond groves. The only cheerful conversation we get out of her is about that family. I know every other sentence is Timus this or Timus that but I took it that was because it’s he who always takes her to the family home she seems so smitten with. His mother sounds a real matriarch, but Deirdre thinks it’s all wonderful.’

  ‘Matriarch makes Señora Rodriguez sound bossy and she’s never that,’ Tessa answered. ‘More of a mother hen sheltering her brood under her wing. Honestly, Auntie, if she loves being with them there’s nothing to worry about. It’s such a happy house. Why don’t you get Timus to take you to meet his mother?’

  ‘Just at the moment I’m treading carefully. Deirdre is very edgy and I wouldn’t want her to think I was muscling into her territory. Do you think she has fallen for Timus? You know him much better than I do. I just don’t want her to get hurt. First love can be so overwhelming.’

  Had she said the wrong thing? She felt that Tessa had withdrawn into her shell.

  ‘I’d not even considered it. But Deirdre is no different from any other girl: she is sure to fall in love with someone.’

  ‘Now tell me about you.’ Naomi changed the subject. ‘How’s your enterprise going with your almonds?’

  ‘I could have taken orders for more than I have room to grow. Giles was right,’ she added, laughing and yet with a ring of pride, ‘the selling point was the label and the fact the nuts came from his Spanish home. And I bet they sold for twice the price of those from the Rodriguez groves. It was jolly hard work, but there’s something magic about it. It’s the continuity, year after year following the same pattern. You must understand; you must have felt the same at the farm, although perhaps it’s different if you don’t grow things. The Rodriguez boys were great; they helped me so much. After all, it was my first crop and I was really feeling my way. But they both helped and guided me – Phillipe, the elder one, and Timus too. I expect Deirdre told you what fun we had; Timus set her up at a table and she worked as hard as any of us, checking the nuts we gave her and easing them out of their outer, fleshy skins. That and keeping Madam Millie amused.’

  ‘I must be getting back.’ Naomi put an end to the subject of Deirdre. ‘I’m collecting Julian from Casa Landera. The men were hoping to finish the lift today. They’re held up waiting for the bathroom fitments. Sometimes I think we shall be in that house in town forever. When they finish inside, there’s all the work to do around the pool and fitting the hoist. I know it’ll be months before we shall want to use the pool but Julian wants everything to be finished before we move in.’

  ‘A good thing he has plenty of money,’ Tessa said. ‘It must be costing him a fortune.’

  ‘One thing I’ve learnt about Julian: he is a perfectionist. Give my love to Giles; I expect he’s tucked away working,’ Naomi said, adding with a laugh, ‘making sure you have a busy evening typing.’ Was Tessa’s smile forced, or did she imagine it?

  A few minutes later, driving towards the hills and Casa Landera, Naomi’s thoughts were still on something about Tessa she couldn’t quite fathom. Or was the girl just tired or feeling a bit under the weather? Perhaps there was another baby on the way . . . or could it be something to do with what she’d said about Deirdre and Timus? So clearly she could remember that last evening of Richard’s life, his anger at the announcement that inexperienced Tessa had promised to marry worldly Giles Lampton – in his view a man completely unsuitable. With all that had followed the scene, in her mind it had become unimportant. But had he been right? Was it because she had realized her mistake that Tessa seemed to have lost her natural joie de vivre? She and Timus probably spent hours together in the five-acre plot she had become so involved with, and there was no doubt he was a very attractive young man. The more Naomi let her thoughts carry her where they would, the more her brow furrowed into a frown of worry. Timus was delightful in his treatment of Deirdre, but then he was a naturally sensitive and kind young man. It had been worry enough to realize the possibility that Deirdre believed she was in love with him, but now Tessa had entered the equation; Tessa with a husband and child.

  She felt she carried the cares of the world on her shoulders, but there was a strong, honest streak in Naomi’s nature and she admitted to herself that while she worried about the girls she escaped from facing up to the question that was constantly in her mind. She took a left turn on to what was little more than a track and almost immediately caught a glimpse of Casa Landera standing alone on the side of the hill ahead of her. The sight forced on her the real reason for her confusion and fear: Julian would be there waiting for her. She had the strangest sensation: she was alone and yet she didn’t feel alone. She slowed the car, and then as if she had no choice she found herself turning off the engine as she slowed to a stop.

  ‘Richard, help me, Richard.’ She started to speak her thoughts aloud, but instinct told her she needed silence. With her eyes closed there was comfort in the outpouring of her innermost thoughts. Suppose I agreed to marry Julian and I lost you. I couldn’t bear it. You know all about him – and you know me as well as I know myself. If only you were still here we could all have been good friends . . . but marriage . . . the intimacy . . . sex . . . all that belonged to us. The only sort of marriage is a proper one, sex, everything. You know what I’m like, Richard, you know I haven’t the sort of body men would get excited about. For us it was different. Not in the beginning; in the beginning I was proud to know I had a good body. So long ago – yet all that we had is vivid in my mind. I miss you so much, so much. You know how I try to bring you close; I ache with longing to be with you, to feel your hands on me, your body and mine as one. What I do by myself is nothing, nothing like what my body screams out for. But with Julian? I hate God! Yes I do; I hate him for taking you away. Why did h
e let it happen? No one was happier than we were. I don’t know what to do, Richard. Help me. I’m so fond of him, I enjoy being with him, we’re good friends – but all those joyous, wonderful things we did, all that belongs just to us. If I told Julian I’d marry him but I want us to have separate rooms, I believe he’d agree – although I know it’s not what he wants. But I couldn’t do that; it would be dishonest. If I marry him I’ve got to share my body with him. Then there’s another thing: even though I am honestly so fond of him, am I even considering marriage because of how much I need sex? By myself, it leaves me feeling empty and so horribly alone. Can you hear me, Richard?

  Her eyes were closed, her hands clenched making two fists, her expression one of hopelessness. And so she sat for a minute or two, while gradually she relaxed; her hands grew limp, her breathing deeper. She slipped through the barrier of consciousness. For no more than two or three minutes she slept, but they were minutes that changed her life.

  She woke to a feeling of peace. In a semi-conscious state she half expected to see Richard, but realizing he had been no more than part of her dream didn’t strip her of the calm certainty she was sure had come from those moments with him. For she had no doubt that her spirit had truly been with his. Her problems had been lifted and the way ahead was clear. With a smile playing at the corners of her mouth she started the engine.

  As the car turned through the open gateway of Casa Landera, Julian came to meet her. ‘I’ve been waiting for you,’ he said as he opened the car door for her. ‘Come indoors, I want to show you something.’ He ushered her through the open front doorway into the hall.

  ‘This will be its maiden trip – except for being tested by the men who installed it,’ he said as he pressed the lift button and as if by magic the door opened. Even in the large department stores of Exeter or Torquay she had never seen one with a door that worked electronically; always there was a lift attendant and the door was an iron latticework which made her feel like she was in a cage. Together they went into the box-like space that was big enough for Deirdre in her wheelchair and one other person.

  ‘We ought to crack open a bottle of champagne,’ he said.

  ‘May God bless this lift and all who ride in it,’ she added as he pressed a button and the door closed. They felt the motion as they were raised to the first floor. Perhaps it was that in such a confined space there was nothing to look at except each other. Whatever the reason their glances met and locked. For both of them the moment was something extraordinary, as if it had been stage managed for this special purpose.

  ‘Julian,’ she whispered.

  ‘Tell me.’ Like her he spoke quietly, their voices as small as the space that held them. ‘Please God let it be what I want to hear.’

  In answer she moved closer to him, simply nodding her head as if she’d lost the power of speech. Then she was held in his arms. They didn’t kiss, but clung to each other like drowning men clinging to a lifeline. He reached out and pressed the button, and when the door opened they stepped out on to the gallery that overlooked the huge living room. Suddenly the future had shape. This would be their home, their beautiful home. She looked forward to the future with a certainty she had long forgotten. Soon the year would be over; it would be 1959. When 1958 had been rung in she had stood alone with the back door of Chagleigh open listening to the distant sound of the bells of the church in Marlhampton, gazing at the sleeping farmyard with only memories for company. This year would be so different, different in every respect except one. Day or night, if she closed her eyes she could still see Richard, bringing ‘his ladies’ down from the Lower Field for milking, tending the sheep, standing in the dairy watching her at work, holding her in a warm embrace, sharing all that they were. He was with her now and he would be with her always.

  So the winter passed: a winter of days when the sun warmed the earth and evenings by the log fire. In the last week of January Naomi and Julian were married at the town hall in Llaibir. She was glad the venue was so different from the day she had walked up the aisle to stand with Richard. In Llaibir the town hall would have passed unnoticed, standing somewhere near the middle of a terrace of three-storey buildings on the main road of the small town, sandwiched between a butcher’s shop and the local ironmongery store. On the ground floor (fortunately for Deirdre) in a room with uncurtained windows and plain wooden floorboards Naomi became Mrs Julian Masters. On a gold chain around her neck she wore the ring Richard had put on her finger thirty-nine years before, and with it the engagement ring she had worn while she waited and prayed that he would come home safely from what had become known as the Great War.

  On that January day they were still living in town with little prospect of the work being completed before spring. It wasn’t the fault of the workmen that the alterations had taken so long, but it hadn’t been a straightforward job. Decorating, fitting new kitchens and bathrooms they could have done months before, but the equipment needed for Deirdre had to be designed by specialists, hence the delays. It had been arranged that she should stay at Finca el Almendros while the newly married couple spent a few days in Valencia and her air of excitement seemed out of all proportion. She had stayed there for more than two months when they’d first come out from England, but then Naomi had been there to help her.

  ‘This is fun,’ Deirdre said. ‘Aunt Naomi – or should I call her Mother now? – usually helps me into the water then goes away until I ring a bell she leaves by the bath. Will Giles feel neglected if you sit and talk to me while I bathe?’

  ‘Giles is fine.’

  ‘You could have fooled me,’ Deirdre observed, casting a quick glance to see Tessa’s reaction. ‘He looks fed up. I expect he’s bored. When’s he off to the bright lights and the scintillating company he looks for in London?’

  ‘Not at this time of year. He’s not bored; he’s frustrated with his work. Don’t they call it writer’s block?’

  But Deirdre’s mind had already moved on. ‘We shall be further from here when we live in the house they’re so excited about,’ she said, her despondent tone telling Tessa more than any words. Of course she imagined herself cut off from all the action of the almond grove and from the Rodriguez family. In her situation it was so hard to break into a new circle.

  ‘I’ll collect you sometimes and bring you here for the day. You know there’s always plenty to do with the trees – not to mention Millie.’

  Deirdre nodded, but her doleful expression didn’t lift.

  ‘And the new house will give you so much more independence.’ Tessa continued to try to cheer her. Her initial excitement about the house, which Naomi had relayed to Tessa, had clearly evaporated. ‘A year ago you would never have imagined what a slot you’ve made for yourself with your Rodriguez friends; and I bet something like that will happen in the new place.’

  From the look on Deirdre’s face, her encouraging words had gone unheard.

  But whatever her views, the move went ahead and just before Easter they closed the door for the last time on the rented house in Llaibir.

  ‘I’m going to walk down to town to collect any mail,’ Giles told Tessa one afternoon the following August when he found her cutting flowers for the house and laying them carefully in her trug: day lilies, delphiniums, African lilies, Pride of Peru and carnations.

  ‘Shall Millie and I come? Or Maria would keep Millie in with her if you like? Wait while I take these flowers in for Maria; she loves arranging them. Perhaps it’s because she sings to them that they always look better when she does them.’ At the thought of an afternoon with Giles, flower arranging lost its appeal.

  Just for a second he hesitated, then, ‘No. I’m going to walk on my own. I need to think. There’s never a second’s peace in that house, if it isn’t Maria singing it’s Millie shouting. Why can’t children speak like normal people?’

  ‘When you’re her age, life is exciting, full of adventure that what you call “normal people” have forgotten.’

  He was surprised by her an
swer. Had he done that to her? Had he taken away her sense of life being an adventure?

  ‘I don’t know how I’m expected to get any work done. There’s more chance in the London flat.’

  Ignoring the complaining note in his voice, in fact ignoring too the suggestion that London was calling him, she said, ‘But it’s nearly three miles. If you walk in how will you get back? You can’t walk all that way in this heat. Diego Pastor told me yesterday that he had a long job today, taking someone right down to Granada.’ And Diego Pastor with his elderly Renault was the nearest the little town of Llaibir had to a taxi service. Childishly, she felt that she had scored a point. ‘You can borrow my bike if you want to get away from us by yourself.’

  He was watching her, his expression telling her nothing. Sometimes he could be so difficult; he made her feel as though she were some sort of possession he could see little use in keeping. But that was stupid. They were happy, they had a perfect marriage, a dozen times a day she told herself so. She knew he got restless with the restrictions of country living, but that was hardly her fault. The finca had been his choice alone; he had bought it for a retreat almost as soon as he was free to travel after the end of the war. Now his sudden smile banished any shadow of criticism from her mind. She found herself laughing with him as he said, ‘Put me on a bike and I’d probably fall off before I got down to the road. Leave Millie with Maria and—’

  ‘And come with you? Walking together it wouldn’t seem half so far.’

  ‘No. I told you – I want to be by myself. I was going to suggest you leave Millie with Maria and have an afternoon on the bike yourself.’ Then with the sudden frown she had come to dread, ‘Don’t you ever want to get away from everyone for Christ’s sake?’ Immediately, he could see he had hurt her, but he knew how easy it was to make amends. ‘I’ve gone cold on what I’m doing. I’ve got to clear my head and think myself back into it. Oh, Tessa’ – he held his hand towards her – ‘sweet Tessa, I’m no good to you, no companion for you.’