Ten Seconds of Crazy

by Randileigh Kennedy

  The nurses came in and took one last check of my vitals and got me situated for the night. My mom took her small suitcase into the bathroom, probably changing into more comfortable clothes for her uncomfortable night’s sleep.

  The hospital room phone sitting next to my bed rang, causing me to jump. Immediate pain seethed through my entire rib cage.

  “Hello?” I said into the receiver, confused as to who would be calling me this late.

  “Hey,” Reid’s voice said on the other end. “I tried sneaking out to come see you, but they caught me. It’s like being a teenager trapped in my house after curfew.”

  I laughed quietly.

  “How are you feeling?” he asked sincerely.

  “Emotionally and physically drained,” I replied honestly. “You?”

  “They think they can release me in just a couple more days,” he said enthusiastically. “They said Saturday at the latest as long as my last set of scans look okay. So naturally I’ve been thinking about our exit plan.”

  Our exit plan. Those words always rolled so easily off his lips.

  “You have a lacerated kidney. Shouldn’t you be thinking about, I don’t know, cranberry juice or something?” I teased.

  “Precisely. Breakfast. In my room. Eight in the morning tomorrow. We’ll talk about our exit plans over dry pancakes, orange sherbet, and cranberry juice,” he replied with humor in his voice.

  “Reid, you can’t possibly have any further plans at this point,” I responded seriously. This whole thing was a mess - there was no way to recover it now. I had a pit in my stomach, and I could hear my mom’s words echoing in my head. Heartbreak. I also couldn’t stop the images of the pictures I saw of the accident. All of that wreckage and devastation caused solely by me. It broke me.

  “Goodnight Reid,” I said softly.

  “Eight tomorrow morning,” he reiterated.

  I hung up the phone and started to cry. This entire thing with us started over pancakes.

  Maybe it made sense for it to end that way too.

  CHAPTER 20

  The wrecked car… Singing, music…. Glances from the passenger seat… Smiles, flying, sadness… I tossed and turned the entire night, unable to shake the images I saw from the accident photographs. Every image I had in my head from right before that - those were all happy. Sweet. Comfortable. Then in an instant, I lost all of that. I couldn’t imagine Reid would ever be comfortable next to me in a car again. The thought of him trusting me wholeheartedly with anything else was unsettling. In an instant, I erased the purpose of what we were even doing together. There was nothing left of our trip anymore.

  I kept thinking back to Preston’s urn, shattered on the side of the road. The picture looked so careless, like it was just another piece of litter scattered along the highway. And I had the weight of what that symbolized to their family, all on me. They were already stricken with grief over an unimaginable tragedy before I ever showed up. Then, in one instant, I shattered that tragedy and gave them a phone call in the middle of the night to signal them of another. I shook in the hospital bed all night - I felt sorrow. Irresponsibility. Most of all, I felt unforgivable.

  The irony of finally being able to fall into a sound sleep in a hospital bed is that you are woken shortly thereafter by a nurse. Apparently my blood pressure check couldn’t wait. I was amazed at the lack of privacy I had in the hospital. The doctors insisted I rest as much as possible, but when the bad dreams I had weren’t overtaking me, every hour I was prodded by yet another nurse with a task to complete.

  My ribs finally started feeling a little better, which I was extremely grateful for. The doctor did say the first few days were the worst - and apparently I was mostly unconscious for that. They still bothered me quite a bit, especially with movement, but at least now it wasn’t nearly as excruciating.

  As the nurse left, my mom stirred. It was only six-thirty in the morning, but I couldn’t fall back asleep. I had too much on my mind.

  “Do you want me to call for breakfast?” my mom asked in a relatively nurturing tone.

  “I’m supposed to have breakfast with Reid in a couple hours,” I said hesitantly.

  “Have you thought more about it?” she asked, referring to our conversation the night before.

  “Only all night long,” I said with an exaggerated sigh. “I don’t know what I’m doing. I haven’t even registered for my fall classes yet. But what am I supposed to do about this?” I asked, raising up my wrapped right hand. I could barely bend it. “I can’t write. I can’t type. What am I going to do? Go to Michigan? And then do what?” I felt really frustrated.

  “I’m not telling you what to do,” my mom replied sincerely, “but I’m just giving you an option. You could come with me to Arizona. The place I’m renting is big enough for the both of us. I got a great job as an office assistant at a retirement community. The pay covers all my expenses, so you wouldn’t have to pay a thing. You can rest and recuperate there for awhile? Just until you work out a plan? Maybe some time apart from Reid will help you sort out what you really want to do.”

  I hated how much her idea made sense. I probably couldn’t work back in the diner for another month or two with my wrist the way it was. That meant I wouldn’t have enough money for my tuition this fall anyway, let alone money to pay my rent over the next couple of months. And the hospital bills - I had no insurance. How was I ever going to pay for it all? Those were all on the rational part of my pros/cons list. I hated that the very thing that ate at me the most - the guilt of what I’d done - that seemed to outweigh all of the tangible things by an extreme amount. The guilt weighed so heavily on me.

  “Thank you for the offer,” I said honestly. I never imagined moving back in with my mom. That was never even on my radar. But this entire situation was overwhelming to me, and I wasn’t sure I really had another choice. “I’m not really sure what else to do at this point,” I admitted. “I probably do need some time to get my life together. I think that would probably be good for me.”

  My mom smiled and it looked so genuine. “Everything’s going to work out for you, Cass. Just give it some time. We’ll get you all better and we’ll both have a fresh start.”

  This was the first time in my life where I actually believed that. Our conversation last night felt real and honest, and was long overdue. Maybe she really did make a change. Or maybe she didn’t and she’ll end up right back at who she used to be, I knew that was still possible. But for the first time, I really felt like I was going to be okay too. I was sure there would still be more ups and downs ahead, that was inevitable. And maybe the physical parts of me would heal faster than the emotional wounds I carried from all of this. But I did believe time would have to heal those scars too. I finally felt changed in this moment. Maybe it was the way I finally felt separate from my mother - knowing that ultimately I would never end up like her. Or maybe it was the way Reid really showed me how to live - with heart and hope and a little reckless abandon. Whatever it was, I finally felt a sense of freedom I didn’t know before.

  “Let’s get you cleaned up,” my mom said, rising up from her rickety sofa bed. She pushed the call button and a few minutes later a nurse arrived to assist me in the shower. For the most part it wasn’t too challenging, although washing my hair on my own still seemed like an impossible task. I was clumsy enough with my left hand as it was, let alone the increased pain in my ribs from trying to raise my arms up.

  The nurse also helped me get into my clothes when I was finished with the shower, and I was relieved my mom and I were the same size so I could fit into some of the clothes she brought to the hospital. I put on a soft pink cotton maxi dress and finally felt somewhat ‘normal’ for the first time in three days.

  My mom planned to head out into town to pick up some necessities from the store. I was glad to have some alone time with Reid. I wasn’t looking forward to our conversation, but I knew it had to happen. The fact that we were both in the hospital right now, days later from an
accident that was all my fault - that further proved just how far away we were from fireflies and star-lit ceilings. Everything had changed.

  Instead of using the wheelchair again for transport, the nurse suggested a slow walk to get my body moving. The exercise actually felt better than I thought it would as we slowly made our way down the hall. We took the elevator down to his wing of the hospital, and as we arrived at his room I gently knocked on his open door before entering. I was surprised to see him sitting at a small table in the room set with two chairs.

  “Welcome to the feast,” he said with a huge grin, as if we were still back in Uncle Buck’s kitchen. I smiled back at him.

  The nurse who escorted me down left the room, and I was thankful we had some privacy.

  “Where’s all your family?” I asked curiously, surprised not to see any of them around this morning. I made my way over to the table and slowly sat down, expecting the pain to be worse from bending my body. It was actually bearable.

  “I convinced them to head out to a restaurant for breakfast,” he said, still smiling. “They’ve been eating in the café downstairs for days now, so it wasn’t too hard to convince them to go out for some real food. Is your mom still here?”

  “Yeah,” I nodded. “She’s out shopping this morning.”

  He narrowed his eyes at me. “Are you mad I told the hospital to call her?”

  “No,” I replied honestly. “I understand why you did it. You had your family here for you. I guess it makes sense for you to think someone should come for me. We actually had a really good heartfelt talk last night. It was nice.”

  “It was actually my mom who made them call her,” he confessed. “I wasn’t sure it was a good idea, but she seemed to think that whatever the circumstances were with you, that your mom would still want to know.”

  “That sounds exactly like your mother,” I said endearingly. Darla seemed like the epitome of a caring, loving mom. I could never fault her for insisting someone call my own mother to tell her what happened.

  “Are you ready for my idea?” Reid said mischievously, changing the subject. The tone in his voice sounded flirtatious, and the look in his eyes was trouble for a girl about to walk away from him. “We have to break out of here.” He flashed a huge grin.

  “The pain meds are clearly affecting your brain,” I teased.

  “I had them stop all of the pain meds last night. Well, the heavy duty ones anyway. It’s not so bad,” he said with a shrug. “All of my scans look good. The surgeons are done, there’s nothing left they can really do for me other than more follow-up tests in a few weeks. The doctor already told me that I could do all of that in Michigan.”

  I stared at him as he spoke, completely in awe of him. My mom always told me men turned into babies when they were sick. But here was Reid, lacerated organs and all, trying to whisk us away from the doctors taking care of us.

  “They told me I could leave in another day or two, three tops. What’s an extra day? Let’s leave tomorrow,” he urged.

  I still kind of thought he was kidding.

  “So that’s it? We just break out of here and follow the sunrise?” I said sarcastically. “Are we going to hitchhike? Oh, and speaking of hitchhikers, don’t we have some criminal issues on our hands? Did those officers come and talk to you about the gun in your car?” My head throbbed as I thought back to my conversation with them about that.

  “I got a call from them last night, actually,” he stated. “They found the guy in the area I told them I last saw him. They took his prints and it matched those from the weapon. There’s nothing more they need from us on that.”

  “Really? So that’s over?” I said hesitantly, still feeling somewhat nervous about it. That was a pretty heavy, serious thing.

  “Yes, it’s done. That’s not anything you need to worry about,” he said sincerely. “Look, Uncle Buck brought the GTO,” he continued with a smirk. “He said he’ll just catch a flight the rest of the way to Michigan. He was going to be heading out there for the Fourth in just a couple days anyway. He said we could take his car the rest of the way.”

  “Reid,” I said quietly, shaking my head. “That’s crazy.”

  “I know, but that’s kind of been the whole point of all of this, right?” he responded, still with a smile.

  “Right, but I think there’s a limit to that kind of crazy,” I explained, slightly raising my voice. “I almost killed you, Reid. We’re long past crazy,” I stated, shaking my head.

  “What are you saying?” he asked calmly.

  “Look, you had an amazing plan,” I began, “and I loved being a part of it. Honestly. But I just ruined everything, in an epic, disastrous way. I completely understand you wanting to carry on despite what’s happened. I love that about you. And I think that’s exactly what you should do. But I think you need to do that on your own. I don’t think I’m good for you,” I said with a slight waiver in my voice.

  “You’re wrong,” he said softly.

  “Reid, I’m serious. You have all of these plans laid out. And you’re on this spectacular adventure that means so much to you. And I’ll I’ve done is completely sideline all of that…”

  “You’re the best adventure I’ve ever had,” he interjected, cutting me off. “You’re the whole reason I want to keep going.”

  “Which I feel like I’ve done all wrong,” I said with a slow tear falling down my face. “This was about you and your brother. I know that means the world to you. And that’s why I think you should keep it that way. No more distractions. No more messed up girl to try and save.”

  “I think the whole time you were the one saving me,” he muttered quietly.

  Another tear fell and I knew I was breaking down.

  “I’m a mess,” I admitted, shaking my head again. “I didn’t get a scholarship for the fall. I lied to you about that.”

  “Why?” he asked curiously. “For an excuse to leave?”

  “Yes,” I replied as another tear fell. “And maybe to fool even myself that I had something important going on.”

  I hated the way the truth sounded out loud.

  “But obviously I don’t. And that’s my point,” I continued. “You’ve made me realize that’s not good enough anymore, I need to do something. I need to save myself.”

  He stared back at me, not totally sure what to say.

  “I’m going to Arizona,” I said bluntly. “With my mom. That way I can figure stuff out. Come up with a plan. Save some money.”

  “Is this about money?” he said, raising a brow at me. He seemed hell bent on fixing whatever the ‘problem’ was. “There are so many options in Michigan,” he continued. “You can get financial aid, we can work it out.”

  “It’s not just money,” I said truthfully, although that was a big part of it. “It just makes the most sense for me right now.”

  He ran a hand through his hair. “Are you sure that’s what you really want?” His eyes burned through me as he waited for my response.

  “No,” I answered honestly. “But I think my life is clearly telling me that’s what I need to do. I don’t know how to be good for you like this.”

  Reid stood up from his chair, walking around the table. He knelt down next to me, brushing the hair back from my face. He slid this thumbs across my cheeks, wiping away my tears.

  “I don’t know why you think you need to be anything better than what you are,” he whispered, gently kissing my lips. “I’m falling for the girl you are right now. I don’t know why you think you need to be anything more than that.” His gesture pulled at me, and I knew I had to stop before I lost all of my willpower.

  “Reid,” I said quietly, pulling away from him. “I need to go.” Warm tears slid down my cheeks and I quickly brushed them away with my functioning hand. I stood up quickly, wincing as pain shot through my ribcage.

  I made my way towards the hospital room door as he sat at the table, burying his hands in his head. I stopped to take in one last look at him. I wanted
to say something - anything - but my mind was clouded with truths that wouldn’t make the situation any better or worse.

  All I knew in that moment was the certainty that my mother was right.

  Heartache.

  What I felt now was agonizing.

  Which made me all the more sure I needed to walk away from Reid Carson.

  CHAPTER 21

  By the time my mom made it back to the hospital after her shopping excursion, I already had my one small bag packed up and ready to go. My scans all looked good and the doctor told me I could be discharged as soon as I felt ready, so long as I promised to follow up with a family doctor over the next couple weeks. I would have to get the stitches out of my temple and he wanted another set of x-rays taken of my ribs just to make sure they were healing properly. I honestly felt drastically better than I had just a day ago. My ribs still hurt, and I had occasional headaches, but the pain medication did an adequate job. My wrist was more inconvenient than painful - the doctor said I had to keep it wrapped and change the dressing until I had a follow up appointment and another doctor could check the wound.

  “You’re really ready to head back with me?” my mom asked, trying to read my expression.

  “Yeah, I think it’s for the best,” I replied, trying to sound nonchalant. I didn’t want to let her in on just how much this was eating at me. I knew in the long run I was better off making a clean break now, before things got too complicated. In so many ways this had been the best summer of my life - I at least loved the idea of thinking back on it that way as time went on.

  “I’ll go check the bus schedule,” my mom responded, making her way back out of the hospital room.

  Moments later Darla entered the room, catching me by surprise.

  “Do you have a minute?” she asked politely, waiting for my reply before fully entering. I knew I didn’t want to leave the hospital without saying goodbye to Reid’s family, but I wasn’t prepared to do it now.

  I nodded towards her with half a smile, letting her know I wanted her to come in. She immediately wrapped me in a hug, mindful not to squeeze too tight around my torso.