by BL Mute
He dropped my hand as we all stood when the judge made his way out of the back and listened as the whole night was retold once again. Even though I had agreed, I realized I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to see Kip or take the stand, but it was too late.
After the lawyers spoke, I was called to the stand. I swore on a bible and sat down, making sure to keep my eyes off Kip.
“Ms. Taylor, can you please tell the jury about the night Mia Rodriguez was murdered?”
I took a deep breath, faced the jurors, and told them everything. I told them why Kip was upset with me and what he did the week prior. I told them how Mia walked into the room alone with him. And then I finally told them what I walked into.
“…he was shirtless and in the middle of buttoning his pants,” I said softly. “Mia was facedown on the bed, her panties were slid down around her ankles, and her dress was raised up. He smiled at me.” I paused. “He fucking smiled at me when I saw what he did.” I cried.
The judge cut his eyes to me. “Ms. Taylor, I understand this is difficult for you to talk about, but please watch your language in my court.”
I nodded, then looked to Kip. I shouldn’t have, but at that point, I needed to see his face. I needed to remember what evil looked like. He raised his eyebrows in a lazy manner, then puckered his lips and kissed the air in my direction.
I lost it completely. I threw my body over the wooden stand I was sitting at and charged for him. His lawyer tried to pry me off as the judge banged his gavel, but it didn’t work. I beat his body with closed fists and scratched his face with my nails. I saw the deputy out the corner of my eye coming our way, but he wasn’t hurried though; he walked as if he was outside strolling through sunshine.
Finally, the deputy was beside me and pulled me away as I screamed and cried. He escorted me out of the courtroom and into the hall.
“Ms. Taylor, you can’t do that. I’m not saying I agree or disagree, but I do understand. You can either wait here the rest of the duration of the trial, or you can go home.” He dipped his head to me.
“I… I think I’ll go home,” I stuttered.
“That’s a good idea.” He looked around the narrow hallway. “I’m sure everyone here can agree we didn’t see anything if you leave now.” He winked at me and walked back into the courtroom.
They told us when we arrived we wouldn’t be able to leave until everything was closed and Kip was sentenced, but I was thankful they bent the rules for me. My mom, Peyton, Chance, and James stayed inside, but I was glad. I wanted to be alone.
I stole another minute to catch my breath, then put one foot in front of the other and walked out of the courthouse.
The walk to my house was long, but I wanted the alone time. I stepped onto the sidewalk and started on my way, watching all the cars zip by on the road beside me. I had only been walking for maybe five minutes when I heard loud footsteps and heavy breathing behind me. Looking over my shoulder, I saw James.
He was running behind me with his tie flying in the wind and his hair tousled on top of his head. A few strands hung over his forehead loose from the rest that was previously slicked back.
He slowed to a walk when he was at my side. “I didn’t want you being alone. I didn’t know they would let you leave.”
I just shrugged and kept walking.
The sky grew darker, and thunder rumbled in the distance. I looked around and saw the sun retreating behind the dark clouds. I knew it was supposed to rain that day, but I was hoping it would hold off.
“We can go back and get my bike,” James said. “We may still get wet but not as much.” I shook my head. If it rained, it rained; I didn’t care.
James nodded and tucked his hands in his pockets, then walked beside me silently.
The first drops started to fall about halfway home. It wasn’t too bad at first, just a slight drizzle, but then it started to pour. James took off his suit jacket and draped it over my shoulders. The slight gesture got the best of me and I started crying, but no one would have known because the rain hid my tears.
There I was, on a sidewalk in the middle of a downpour, and James was by my side. I was testifying for my dead girlfriend, someone I loved, and he was still there.
I stopped after we crossed at a stoplight and turned. “Why?” I screamed over the sound of the rain hitting the ground.
James looked at me puzzled, his forehead scrunching up. “Why what?”
“Why are you here? Why do you still care?” My chest was heaving. Between the withdrawals, everything that happened at the trial, and now James, I was a fucking mess. “Why, James?” I cried.
His white button-up and suspenders hugged to his chest and became translucent from the rain, showing off his colorful tattooed arms. He just stared at me like the answer was obvious, but I didn’t know. I huffed and continued walking. He stayed silent. It seemed he was good at that those days. Not saying anything and just listening.
When we made it to the front of my house, I crossed into the grass and threw his jacket off me and to his feet. “You can go. I don’t need you here.”
He reached down and picked up the drenched jacket, letting it dangle in his fingers. “Jupiter.” He said in a hard and demanding tone.
“What?” I threw my arms out to my sides. “What, James?”
“I love you.”
“You love me?” I laughed and leaned my head back, letting the rain hit my face. “You don’t love me. You can’t love someone you don’t even know.”
He threw his jacket to the ground and stomped in front of me. “I’m tired of you telling me how I feel,” he said a little too loudly. “I’ve loved you since my first day at Harper Valley High, I’ve loved you since you left me at graduation, I’ve loved you even when you didn’t love me!” he yelled.
I recoiled at his voice.
“And I do fucking know you. This—” He gestured his hand up and down my body. “—this isn’t you. The pills and booze and ‘fuck off’ attitude isn’t you, and you know it.”
He was right. Ever since my dad had passed away, I’d taken on this new persona to stay away from the pain. I didn’t want to face it or anyone. I pushed everyone away and did all I could to keep them away, but it never worked with James.
“When I said I wanted you to be mine, I wasn’t fucking joking. Even though you left me, I’ve done nothing but think and worry about you for all those years. I waited and waited until you could fucking see it, but you’re still blind. What do you want, Jupiter?” His voice got quieter, and his eyes turned soft. “Tell me what you want so I can be it, so I can have you, the real you. The girl from high school who was fierce and loved life. Tell me,” he demanded.
“That girl is gone, James,” I whispered. “This is me now.”
He shook his head. “Let me help you, Jupiter,” he whispered back. “Let me love you.”
I stared at him as my lip quivered. He closed the few inches between us, then ran one hand over the back of my scalp, gripped my hair, and tilted my head back. “Please,” he begged in a whisper on my lips.
I didn’t know what came over me, but I nodded. I agreed.
He wrapped his other hand around my back and pulled me close to his body before crashing his lips to mine. He trekked to the front door and pushed it open without breaking our kiss and walked down the hall to my room.
I was a ball of nerves when he set me down. I stepped back as he closed the door. He turned back around, and those mossy green orbs were on me. The way he looked at me let me know he wasn’t stopping. He pushed down his suspenders, then ripped open his shirt and stared at me with a heaving chest and hunger in his eyes. He was a lion, and I was his prey.
It had been years since I’d done anything without the aid of pills or liquor, but in that moment, I didn’t need it. I was drunk on James’s stare.
He took a few steps and stopped in front of me, then cupped my face in his hands. He didn’t lean down and push his lips to mine like I wanted; he just continued t
o stare like he was waiting for permission. Permission he already had. I opened my mouth to speak, but thunder crashing outside cut me off. Before the house even quit shaking, James was on me.
We rolled around my bed for hours exploring the love we thought was lost. I had a new outlook on life, and James was by my side. Although I was still feeling down and out about everything that had happened in my life over the past few years, I ignored it and let myself get lost in James’s touch.
I look up from the bar top and see the woman smiling at me. “What?” I grin.
“Y’all made up. That makes me happy. He seems like a good person for you.”
I shake my head with my grin still in place. “Sometimes I thought he was too good for me. It never made sense that he stuck around all those years.”
“When you know, you know.” She shrugs. “Love doesn’t care about time or space.”
Glancing back to the bar top, I nod. “You’re right.” I lift my cup to my lips and sip the warm coffee. I guess the woman is right: when you know, you know. I always knew with James. Although we’d spent so much time apart, I still thought about him, still dreamed about him, but I never told anyone.
I had it in my mind that since I was hurting, everyone around me had to hurt too. Misery loves company. I pushed my hardest to break people, to make them hate me. I lost the best friendships I ever had with Peyton and Chance, I hurt my mom and ruined that relationship, but with James, he never backed down.
“Did you get it?” the woman asks, dragging me from my thoughts.
I push my hair behind my shoulders and tip my head to the side. “Get what?”
“Your happily ever after. Did you finally see James really loved you?”
I chuckle. “James for the next couple of years was great. But I don’t think I’ll ever get my happily ever after. So much more happened the next three years.”
“Wait. How old are you?” she asks, throwing me off guard.
“Twenty-four.” Saying it out loud makes me want to laugh. I don’t feel twenty-four. I’ve been through so much over the years, it doesn’t seem real that I’m still so young.
“So, the story is almost over?” She frowns.
“Almost,” I say quietly.
I was lying in bed next to James, running my shaky fingers through the small amount of hair on his chest. “James,” I whispered.
He turned his head toward me. “Mhm?”
“I think I’m ready.” I sighed.
He shifted his body and turned the rest of the way toward me. “Ready for what?”
“To get help.”
He kissed my forehead and nodded. We stayed in bed for hours after that just talking, and then when the vomiting started, he held my hair and sat with me on the bathroom floor.
The next day we found a rehab center in the next town over from Harper Valley, and I checked in. They recommended a sixty-day treatment plan, so I agreed. I was ready.
They started me on medication to not only help with the alcohol withdrawal, but help with the pills too, even though I hadn’t taken any for a few weeks. I think the first week was the hardest. The shakes got worse, I was throwing up all the time, and the headaches were killer, but I stuck it out. I knew I couldn’t keep using booze and pills as a crutch—it was time to make changes.
The facility was nice, I guess. They had common rooms for everyone, one-on-one counseling along with group, and even outside areas we could roam. I wasn’t allowed visitors for the first four weeks, but when I finally was, James came to see me.
I walked into the day room in my robe and slippers. I wasn’t worried about what I wore or how I looked, I was only focused on getting clean and getting out so I could spend time mending all the relationships I’d broken.
James was sitting at the small round table by the window waiting for me. He smiled and stood as I approached. “Hey, baby.”
I wrapped my arms around his waist and inhaled his scent. “Hey,” I cooed.
We untangled and sat in the wooden chairs. He leveled his eyes with mine. “How’re you doing?”
I sucked in a deep breath, then exhaled. “Good.” I put my hands on the tabletop, twirled my fingers around one another, and looked down. “I’m ready to go home.” It had been so long since I’d seen anyone and feeling. My emotions were a mess. I started crying without even knowing.
“Hey.” He spoke softly. He tucked his forefinger under my chin and tilted it up. “You only have five weeks left. You got this.”
I nodded and smiled tightly, then tried to change the subject. I only had an hour with James; I didn’t want to waste it crying. “How are things going in Texas?”
James was still living in Texas and taking classes for law and only visited when he could. I hated it, but he’d agreed to help his dad for a few years at the firm, so he couldn’t leave, not yet anyway.
“It’s good.” He nodded and looked away like he was trying to hide something.
I grabbed his hand across the table. “What’s wrong?” I searched his eyes.
“Nothing.” He chuckled and shook his head. “Nothing.” He stared at me for a beat, then leaned in closer. “I love seeing you this way. You look… bright.”
“Bright?” I questioned with a smile.
“Yeah. Your shine is back.” He kissed me softly.
We sat and talked for another forty-five minutes before our time was up. He told me more about his dad’s firm, I told him about the disgusting meatloaf they served here, and before he left, he let me know my mom, Chance, and Peyton would be coming Wednesday.
I was scared to face them after everything, but I knew it needed to be done. I was ready to fix everything. I was ready to make my dad proud and live my life better for Mia. I was finally ready.
When Peyton, Chance, and my mom came to visit, they sat at the table James had sat at on Monday. When I walked in, all three sets of eyes locked on me. There were no smiles, no hugs, no emotion.
I sat at one side of the table with Peyton across from me and my mom and Chance on either side. I didn’t know how I was supposed to apologize or even work through everything, but I needed to try.
I started with the only thing I could think to say. “Hi.”
With that simple word, the ice was broken. Chance hugged me, my mom cried, and Peyton just stared and grinned. We talked about everything in that one-hour visit. I said sorry, I hugged them all, and I tried to fix what I could in the short amount of time.
When our visit was over and it was time for them to leave, my mom stood with me and pulled me into her arms. “Your dad would be proud, Jupiter.” I could hear the sniffling in her voice, but I didn’t mention it. I just let her hold me and have her moment.
Peyton was next. She squeezed me tight. “You look so good. I love seeing you like this.”
“Yeah,” Chance added, poking my side. “Got some meat back on your bones.”
I slapped his arm, then hugged him. “I’ve missed you guys.”
“We’ve missed you too. Don’t ever do something crazy like going on a three-year binge again. I couldn’t handle it.” I could hear the smile in his voice.
I just nodded, then pulled away and told them all goodbye. I was starting to think maybe this whole “feeling” thing wasn’t so bad and I could handle it.
James came to visit me again the following week. It was the same small talk we always had, dancing around the subject of what was going to happen when I got out. He was living in Texas, helping his dad, and I was here. I didn’t get to see him again the rest of my stay after that visit.
The weeks passed slowly not being able to see him, but Peyton, Chance, and my mom still came to visit every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. It made the rest of my time in rehab more bearable. After the sixty days were up, I was finally free. Sober, clearheaded, and somewhat emotionally stable.
I walked out of the facility with my mom by my side. It was nice to have some alone time with her after everything. We climbed into the car with smiles stuck on our fa
ces and finally headed home. Home. It was so odd thinking of that word. I had been gone for so long, and hated it after my dad passed, but at that point, I couldn’t have been happier. That was the place I grew up, the place I helped my dad cook. It was the place I met Peyton when she first moved next door. It would always be home and have a piece of my heart.
We pulled into the drive and climbed out of the car. I was expecting my mom to follow me inside, but she just lingered by the car instead.
I turned back to her. “What’s the matter?”
She had a tight smile on her face, and her eyes bounced around nervously. “I did something. I thought it was a good idea, you know, because of your fresh start. But now I’m not sure.”
I tipped my head to the side. “What did you do?”
She wrung her hands and walked to my side. “Let me just show you.” I nodded and started to walk to the front door, but she grabbed my arm, stopping me. “Just remember I did this with good intentions, okay?”
She walked in front of me before I could reply and opened the door. I followed her through the doorway and straight down the hall. She stood in front of my bedroom door for a second before pushing it open.
My once white walls were gone, and in their place were various shades of purple with white specks and splotches. It looked like a galaxy. It looked like… I gripped the necklace around my neck in my fingers.
“I wanted to try and match your necklace your dad got you. I just wanted to remind you that no matter what, you’re still my world too. I don’t care how much you seem to grow; you’ll always be my baby.”
“Mom…” I turned around my room, admiring all the walls. “It’s beautiful.”
“I installed these too.” She flipped off the main light and hit a button below it. Small lights were embedded all over the ceiling, mimicking stars.
“I love it.” I hugged her to my side.
“There is one more surprise.”
Before I could ask her what it was, the front door opened and James walked in. “James!” I squealed and ran to him. “I didn’t think you’d be back for another week.” I wrapped my arms around his neck.
