by BL Mute
When I brought the cup away from my face, Mia was staring at me with the same sad smile. “I love you, Jupiter.”
I smiled back and kissed her cheek. “I love you too, babe.”
She didn’t need to know anything. If I could keep Kip quiet, then all would be okay and the love would reach her eyes again. I wouldn’t have to worry about her leaving me because I had zero plans of fucking up again.
We got lost in the music and the feeling of the pills kicking in. We danced through a few songs before I saw Kip walking up again. I rolled my eyes at him, then turned to Mia.
“Are you having fun?” Her eyes were glassy with her lids lowered, and she had a grin on her face. She was fucked-up.
“I am,” she cooed. “This is the best I’ve felt all week.”
I nodded at her with a smile. She deserved to feel good and let loose after what I had put her through.
Kip finally made it to her side and smiled showing off his silver teeth. “Mia.”
“Hey, Kip.” She smiled back. “I need to re-up. You got it?”
“Of course I do.” He kissed her cheek in a friendly way, then led her down the dreaded hallway to his bedroom where he conducted business.
I didn’t bother to follow this time. I knew Mia would be okay, and I really didn’t want to be in Kip’s room again until he called for me. I shuddered just thinking about it.
I went to the kitchen and grabbed a drink, then went back into the living room and danced even more. Once the sixth song had started and Mia still hadn’t come out of the room, I knew something was up. It had never taken that long to hand over cash and get the pills.
I passed my cup to some random guy, then walked down the hallway and pushed open the door.
I wasn’t ready; I never could have been ready for what I saw.
Mia was lying lifelessly over Kip’s bed with her dress pushed up, and he was buttoning his pants. His pale chest was bare, and his bony ribs moved up and down quickly like he was out of breath. My brain couldn’t register what was going on. He smiled at me and licked his teeth.
Her eyes were open and not moving, and she had foam coming from her mouth, staining the bed where her cheek pressed. The room started to spin, and my body took control.
I ran to the bed where she lay and turned her body over and scanned it. I didn’t know what the fuck to do. I pulled her to the floor and started beating her chest, then blowing into her mouth.
After an eternity of nothing, I raised to my feet quickly, wiped my mouth, and ran from the room.
“Someone fucking help me!” I grabbed a random girl who was clearly fucked-up and shook her. “Call a fucking ambulance! Do something!” I pushed her away and continued to yell.
When no one seemed to care and just stood in place, I took a phone from someone’s hand and called myself. After I rattled off the address the best I could remember, I ran back to the room Mia was in.
Kip was gone, so it was just Mia. Her dead eyes stared at me with no emotion when I rushed through the doorway. I started beating her chest again and blowing into her mouth. I shook her and screamed. I did it all over and over until paramedics finally arrived and took her from me.
When she was gone and everyone else had fled, I stayed on the floor in Kip’s room. I didn’t move, I didn’t speak; I just sat there and stared at the spot her body had been. She was gone. She was really gone, and I couldn’t fathom it.
My chest felt like it had been stabbed a million times over. The constant ache, the sadness, the hurt… Everything I had felt when my dad left me came barreling back into my body.
I didn’t remember much more of that night. I didn’t remember talking to the police or even calling James crying, but both happened.
James showed up not long after the cops left, I’m assuming. He didn’t ask what happened, and he didn’t ask if I was okay. He just scooped me into his arms like he did the night my dad died and walked me outside.
I closed my eyes and leaned into his chest. The gravel in the driveway crunched under his feet with every step he took, and then it stopped. I opened my eyes and saw his bike in front of us.
“Do you think you can ride?” he asked, setting me on my feet. I nodded and gazed at nothing.
He reached into one of the saddle bags, grabbed a helmet, and slipped it onto my head. “Watch that pipe,” he said, pointing to the silver pipe. “It’s the exhaust and will burn you if you touch it.”
I didn’t tell him I remembered not to touch it from our rides back in high school. I just stood there, stock-still and emotionless.
He climbed onto the bike and put his arm out to help steady me as I did the same. He kicked it to life and turned the handles, then sped off.
I wrapped my arms around his waist and squeezed to him. The wind was lashing my body and sending chills all over me. For a split second, I thought about just letting go. Letting myself fall and roll across the road—maybe then I would be pain-free and away from this wicked world.
James let one of the handlebars go and reached down to squeeze my hand. Maybe he knew what I was thinking.
We rode that way, with his hand holding mine, until we couldn’t anymore. We pulled onto the gravel road that led to his house, but I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want those memories assaulting my mind. I was there when I hurt Mia.
James rolled to a stop and killed his bike, but I didn’t move. “I can’t be here.” I whispered. “Take me home.”
He didn’t argue. He started the bike again and listened the best he could as I gave him half-assed directions. Another hour later and I was home.
I let him follow me up the stairs in the breezeway. I let him follow me inside. I even let him hold me as I cried.
Mia was gone and she wasn’t coming back. No more sex, no more drugs, no more Mia. I thought at that point I didn’t love Mia, that I only loved her for what she provided, but I was wrong. Most people say you don’t realize what you have or appreciate it until it’s gone, and they’re right. Now that Mia was gone, I knew exactly what I had lost.
I would never wake up to her making breakfast in an oversized shirt again. I would never again get to appreciate her soft hands consoling me on the days I couldn’t take any more and cry. I would never get to see her smile again. So many things I would never get again with her—gone.
I didn’t even bother going to my room. I didn’t want to lie in the bed Mia and I slept in together. Instead, I just lay on the cold wooden floor and let James sit with me until I fell asleep.
I look over and see the woman crying. She isn’t sobbing loudly, but there are tears rolling down her face, and her shoulders are shaking.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
She takes a deep breath through her nose. “Sorry for what, babe?”
“Sorry I made you cry,” I say softly.
She pats my hand. “It’s just a tragic story is all. You didn’t make me cry—what you’ve been through made me cry.” She wipes her eyes.
I sigh. “Yeah. I didn’t know how I would go on without Mia. I didn’t realize how much I relied on her. I don’t just mean for the pills and everything else. It took me a while to see it, but I did love her. She was soft and sweet, caring and gentle. She was perfect, and I ruined her. She died because of me.”
The woman tips her head. “You can’t blame yourself. You aren’t Kip.”
“You’re right.” I nod my head. “I’m not, but he wouldn’t have done what he did if it wasn’t for me. He wanted to get back at me, to prove something I guess.”
“What do you mean?”
I shake my head. “Mia always sampled before she bought. When she went into that room, I’m assuming, everything was normal. He gave her a pill to look at and take to make sure it was legit, or maybe he gave her multiple, I don’t know. But whatever it was should never have even been ingested. In the trial he said it was meant for me, but since he didn’t think I would take it, he gave it to her.” I shrug and wipe my eyes that are now crying big fat tear
s. “You know, if you can’t hurt the one you want, hurt the one closest to them or whatever.” I wave my hand around.
The woman readjusts on the barstool. “Wait, trial? They found him?”
“They did.” I smile tightly and wipe my nose. It was a small comforting thought to know Kip would rot in jail and never be able to hurt someone again.
“What happened with the trial? Please tell me he got life.”
I take a deep breath and retell the whole story of the trial and what happened next.
Another birthday had come and passed for me. I was left alone grieving, not only my dad but Mia too. I still drank anything I could get my hands on, which was easier then since I was of age.
I packed up all of Mia’s things and moved back into my mom’s. She was excited, but I wasn’t. I didn’t want to be in a place that didn’t feel like home, but I had nowhere else to go. James visited every now and then too, but he was still living back in Texas. Peyton and Chance even came by, but I ignored them. I wasn’t there to get my old life back; I was just there because I had nowhere else to go.
I was lying in my bed, drinking as usual, when my phone rang. It was a number local to Harper Valley, but there was no name; it wasn’t saved.
“Hello?” I slurred.
“Ms. Taylor, this is Detective Bishop. We finally caught Kip Stone…” He paused like he was unsure what else to say. “We caught him. Can you come down to the station and answer some more questions?”
I agreed, then hung up and leaped from my bed. I threw on some sweatpants and a T-shirt from my floor that smelled decent, then ran from my room to get my mom.
My mom drove me to the station. I was still without a car and probably way over the legal limit, so I had no choice.
I walked into the station and took a deep breath. There were chairs lining one wall, a big desk front and center, and numerous other desks behind that with doors lining the walls beside them. I told the lady sitting in the front desk who I was and then waited.
After Detective Bishop came and collected me from the waiting area, I spent hours talking to him and reliving that night all over. He told me they had DNA, found on Mia, that belonged to Kip. He was going to be charged with second-degree murder since he gave Mia the pills knowing they were no good; desecration of a body, since her vagina was torn; and rape. The rape charge was hard to stick with the desecration of a body, but Bishop hadn’t stopped pushing for it.
“Do you have any questions of the charges?” he asked. I shook my head. I couldn’t handle any more.
“Okay, good. There is one more thing,” he said softly.
I brought my eyes from the table and looked at him. “What?”
“The DA wants you to testify. I’m sure there will be no reasonable doubt, but if you tell the whole story, then they will push for the maximum sentence. He can get life alone with the murder charge.”
I chewed my lip and wrung my hands together. “Can I think on it?”
“Of course.” He handed me a small business card. “This is my personal number. Call me anytime if you have questions.”
I nodded, then walked out of the station feeling the worst I had that whole year. I didn’t need to know the details of Mia’s murder, but I had been told them anyway.
I climbed into my mom’s car and ignored her questions. I didn’t want to talk about it—not to her anyway.
When we pulled back up to the house, I sprinted inside and straight to my room. The house was so empty and lifeless without my dad, and I hated it.
I collapsed into my bed and did the same thing I had been doing for months now. I called James. My phone calls with James were nothing more than me talking and crying and him listening.
He never asked questions and never pried. He would just sit on the other end silently and let me vent. It was nice to scream and cry and talk to someone who didn’t expect an explanation.
“Hello?” His voice was deep like it had always been.
“They caught him, and they want me to testify. I’m not sure I’ll do it. How the fuck am I supposed to stomach facing the monster who took Mia?” I started to cry. “They want me to tell them everything, and I’m scared. I’m so fucking scared, James.” For the first time in months I was out of words, but I didn’t want to hang up.
I listened to James breathe on the other line, and then he finally broke his silence for the first time in months. “Are you going to do it?” he asked.
“I’m not sure.” I hiccupped. “I don’t want to see Kip, but the detective said if I testify, they can push for the maximum sentence. He can get life for murder, but they can tack on another fifteen years with my testimony for everything else.”
“You should do it. He deserves it, and Mia deserves justice.” He didn’t say it in authoritative tone; he said it as if testifying was the best option, and maybe he was right.
“I’m just scared.” My voice comes out weak and low. “This has already been so much to do alone.”
“I’ve been her, Jupiter, and I still stand by what I said,” he whispered.
I didn’t reply right away because I didn’t know what to say. But after rolling his statement around in my head, it clicked. He said those same words the day at the park, but I still wasn’t sure what they meant. I dug through all my drugged hazes, fought the memories alcohol tried to suppress, and I finally remembered.
The day of our graduation three years ago, he’d told me he would never give up on me even if I didn’t love him. I couldn’t bear to ask if what I was thinking was right, so I hung up and sobbed into my pillow instead.
The woman holds her hand over her mouth and shakes her head. “Fuck.”
“I know. It was so much more brutal than I even imagined.” I look down and try not to cry. I’ve cried enough in front of this stranger.
“So, he was caught and charged? Did you testify?” she asks.
“I did.” I pause for a moment. “It was horrible honestly. One of the scariest things I’ve ever done in my life.” I sip my coffee.
“I had known Kip for years and thought he was harmless, then everything happened with me, and I knew he wasn’t. But I never thought he would hurt Mia because of my actions. She had known him longer than I did, but within that last month or so before she passed, something must have changed.”
She nods. “No one can ever know what goes through someone’s head who is like that.”
“You’re right. I wish I did though.” I sigh. “I wish a lot of things.”
She takes a sip of her own drink. “Like what?”
I chuckle. “I wish I never would have let Mia go into that room alone, I wish I didn’t do or say half the things I did, and I wish…” I stop talking. It isn’t right to say what I want to, not when I’m talking about Mia.
“You wish what, babe?”
I peek at the woman through my lashes. “I wish I never would have left James. Sometimes I think if maybe I stayed with him, a lot of these things would have never happened. He could have been my rock, and supported me, and helped me through the tough times, but I was more worried about getting fucked-up and forgetting, rather than working through my shit.”
“Everyone grieves differently.” She repeats the same statement from earlier. I just huff.
“Did he ever come back?”
“Huh?” I heard what she said, but I was so lost in my thoughts of the past that I didn’t know what she was talking about.
“James,” she states. “Did he come back?”
“Oh.” I nod. “Yeah. He did…”
It was the day of the trial. Since I agreed to testify, I had to be there early. I sat in the courtroom wearing a simple black dress and waited for everything to start.
My mom drove me, and Peyton and Chance showed up not long after us. My mom had more wrinkles by then, and Peyton and Chance seemed all grown up. Peyton’s hair wasn’t a bright blue anymore but instead, a dark brown with small peeks of blue at the ends. She didn’t smile as much anymore either. Chance still r
ocked his clean-cut face and short hair, but you could tell in his eyes he had grown. I heard from the clerk at the liquor store that Peyton was working at the hotel now, and Chance was dating Matt, but I didn’t care enough to pry or ask them myself.
I knew they were all trying to be supportive, but I didn’t want them there. All they did was remind me of my old life I had left behind to be with Mia. In a fucked-up way, I thought keeping them all away kept me closer to Mia.
I twirled my thumbs and waited even more. The benches we sat in, in the courtroom, reminded me of church pews, just like the ones I’d sat in at both my dad and Mia’s funerals. They were wooden and hard, not comfortable at all.
I skipped drinking that day because I knew no one would believe a slurring mess, but I was regretting my decision. I was sweating, my hands were shaking, and I had the worst headache. I knew it was the withdrawals setting in; I’d gone through the same thing when I’d weaned myself off the pills after Mia passed. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath hoping all the symptoms would pass.
The loud creak from the door had me opening them back up. I turned in the bench and saw Kip being escorted in. Orange jumper, shackles on his hands and feet, and a nasty smirk on his face. I put my hand to my stomach, trying to stop the nauseous feeling from forming, but it didn’t work.
I was ready to do what I had always done in situations I didn’t want to be in—I was ready to run. But then the door opened again behind Kip, and James strolled in.
They sat Kip at one of the tables in the front, facing the judge’s stand, and James came and sat next to me. He was in a suit and had his dirty-blond hair slicked back. His sculpted jaw ticked, and his hands clenched and released over and over as he stared at Kip’s back.
James reached for my hand in my lap and held it. I was sure he could feel the shakes and how clammy they were, but I hoped he wrote it off as nerves instead of the real issue. I didn’t hold his hand back or even look his way, I just let him hold my limp hand.
