Fake It_A Fake Marriage Baby Romance

by Mia Ford

  “You’ve had your experience, fucking a mountain man, so you should leave it at that,” he retorted in an ire-stricken voice.

  I could tell that he was hurt, though I didn’t understand why. I felt hot tears burn the corners of my eyes. I was angry and hurt. I immediately felt used and disrespected.

  “What?” I exclaimed, getting to my feet, and rushing over to him. “Johnathan, please, I wasn’t looking for any kind of experience. I wasn’t trying to use you. I wanted you…I still want you…” When I poke, my voice sounded nearly as desperate as I felt.

  I reached for him, but he backed away.

  “Look, I’m not angry, or anything like that. I just don’t want to do that again. That’s it. I don’t blame you for anything…

  “Yes, you are. That’s exactly what you’re doing, Johnathan. You’re using my words against me. I told you that I was looking for adventure by hiking the mountain, not fucking my way up it!”

  He seemed slightly taken aback by my irate candor but didn’t allow that to waiver his misguided conviction.

  “Well, maybe I realized what we did was wrong, and I don’t want any part of it.”

  “Oh, yeah, that’s great! Mr. I’m gonna go hide up in the mountains, because I can’t deal with life, is going to try to be a beacon of morality all of a sudden. Just admit it, you wanted to be with me, just as much as I wanted to be with you. Now, you regret it…That’s fine. Shit happens, but I don’t think it has anything to do with me. I think you’re punishing yourself for something.”

  “No, you’re wrong. I’m just trying to mitigate the damage for both of us. You’re up here, all alone, with only me and the dog, so it’s all well and good, but the moment you get back to your perfect suburbia, it isn’t the fucking guide that tried to rape you, it’s the goddamn mountain man that used you and betrayed you.”

  “Wow!” I exclaimed, “Why would you think I would ever do that to you? Or to anybody, for that matter? How much of a bitch do you think I am? Or, is it just all women?”

  “For your information, it’s not just women, I tend to see the worst in everyone.”

  “Obviously,” I insisted, now more readily angry at being accused than hurt. However, I knew that the pain he had caused ran deep. I wanted to say so much to him. I wanted to make him feel awful for trying to hurt me like he was, but I could hardly find the right words to respond to him, much less make him understand how terrible he was being to me. So, instead of trying to reciprocate with an equally degrading blow, I simply huffed and shook my head, “You know what, you can think whatever the hell you want. I can’t stop you from thinking whatever will help you sleep better at night, but just so you know, you’re wrong. I would never do that to you. I am attracted to you. That’s why I slept with you. I didn’t do anything that I didn’t want to do, but for you, to sit there and try to shame me, when it’s really just your insecurities that are making you feel like this…that makes you no better than that shit guide you “saved” me from.”

  As I spoke, Johnathan dropped back, his mouth hinged wide open.

  However, I didn’t give him any time to respond. I didn’t even care to look at him anymore, so I turned and stomped away, leaving him to brood over his decisions.

  I wanted to get the hell out of there as fast as humanly possible.

  Chapter 12

  Johnathan

  I watched her stomp away from me, and immediately regretted my decision. I wanted to go after her. I wanted to apologize, and I wanted to make sure she knew that I wasn’t actually the two-faced asshole I was pretending to be. I wanted her terribly.

  Seeing her eyes well up with tears, knowing that I was the cause made me feel like shit, but I wanted to believe this was what was good for both of us.

  I wasn’t angry with her, as I had pulled of my idea to push her away perfectly.

  Granted, I did convince myself, at least partially, that this was a good reason for me to try to push her away. She had told me that she was looking for an experience, so I went with it.

  I was fairly certain it wasn’t true, but I wasn’t willing to take that chance. Not yet. I didn’t think it would be fair to her.

  She was so sweet and caring, while I was…broken.

  Regardless of how she felt, or what happened between us, it wouldn’t change the fact that she didn’t deserve to have to deal with someone like me. I realized that, for my own good, of course, but also for hers, that I cared enough about her to let her go.

  Making promises I wasn’t sure I could keep and trying to be something I wasn’t didn’t bode well for my sanity and it wasn’t fair to Carrie.

  I was trying to do what I thought was best for her and if it meant that I hurt her feelings, then so be it.

  If I tried and failed at being a good partner, it would hurt her a whole hell of a lot worse. I was sure of it.

  What I had done had obviously worked but now, having watched her stand up for herself in such away, part of what made me so angry was that I was now more attracted to her than ever.

  I watched as Carrie moved back toward the bed and plopped down on it. She grabbed the pillow and stuffed her face into it.

  Again, I wanted to comfort her. I was plagued by the stupid hope that somehow, I could be better. I wanted to make everything right, because I didn’t want to accept the person I had become.

  When I was with Carrie, I felt like somebody. Yet, if I hurt her because I was too blind to realize I couldn’t change, it would destroy me.

  So, this was better, I had convinced myself as I had walked back in the door. Seeing her up and around, sitting in my chair and making herself at home had made what I felt I had to do even harder, but I had done it.

  Yeah, you jackass…You’ve done it, alright. I thought as my eyes wandered over to her form, laying motionless and soundless on the bed.

  Again, Jake had taken her side and was trying to comfort her by placing his head on her side.

  Occasionally, he would shoot me dirty looks, but he was a damn dog. I couldn’t expect him to understand.

  All he knew was the sense of what was going on. He sensed that I was the cause for Carrie’s distress and so, even to my own dog, I was the asshole.

  I tried to shrug it off, however, sitting down in my chair, trying to focus on anything other than the disappointment I had caused.

  Neither one of us spoke for a while. Of course, I wasn’t going to speak.

  I figured I just needed to get past a day or so, and then I could get her home and we could both return to our respective lives.

  However, apparently, Carrie had other plans.

  I heard movement directly behind me and turned, instinctually, to find Carrie standing there, staring at me.

  I glowered at her, trying to seem unwelcoming, but she seemed to dismiss my actions as she stacked her hands atop the back of the chair.

  “Johnathan,” she started in a voice that told me she was still upset, but was trying to keep it together, “What happened to you? I know it must’ve been something terrible and I’m sorry for that, but I would like to know what it is. Maybe then, we can work through whatever it is that is making you act this way.”

  “It’s none of your damn business,” I retorted immediately, huffing angrily, “And once you go back to your normal life, it won’t matter anyway. I’m not some damn charity case. You can’t fix me,” I spat.

  “I don’t think that,” Carrie insisted, but I could tell she was fighting to maintain her composure.

  “Well, whatever it is that makes you so interested, I guarantee it won’t matter as soon as we’re back where we’re supposed to be.”

  “You keep saying that, but you’re not worried about where you’re supposed to be, you’re worried about hiding!”

  “Yeah, maybe I am. Even if you’ve got me all figured out, I’m sure I’m not worth deciphering. For all intense and purposes, Carrie, I don’t even exist. So, the best thing you can do is to view this as a learning experience and move on.”


  I watched as Carrie stepped back slightly, in shock, but I could tell that she wasn’t about to accept what I was telling her. “You keep saying the experience, like I sought you out. I didn’t knock on your door and beg you to take me in. Like it or not you involved yourself, Johnathan. The experience I wanted was done the moment that the guide tried to take advantage of me!” She huffed, gathering her thoughts. When she spoke again, her voice was much calmer. “I didn’t ask for this experience, but part of me believes that this is what needs to happen. I think I needed to meet you. I think we might be good for one another.”

  I hated the idea that she might be right and was annoyed at the fact that I had thought the same thing, during one of my more hopeful moments. However, I knew that agreeing with her, in any capacity was a slippery slope and so, instead, I simply blew her off.

  “You’re too damn trusting!” I exclaimed, trying my best to sound like the dick I knew she would eventually give up on. “I’m cautious. That’s it.”

  “You’re stupid, not cautious. You’re a coward. Instead of facing up to your fears, you run and hide in the mountains, bitching at anyone who even comes close to you, because God forbid you find one human who doesn’t fuck you over.”

  I stopped short, now feeling a genuine bout of rage. I knew that I hurt her, but that still didn’t mean I appreciated the truth being thrown at me so callously.

  “I am not a coward,” I seethed.

  “Oh, yeah? What the hell would you call running away and spending your whole life in solitude? I’m pretty sure you’re not running from the law, so pushing everyone away isn’t exactly the best way to find a happy life.”

  “You don’t know anything about me,” I hissed in protest.

  “I know enough. It’s amazing what you find out when you want to know more about someone. Especially, someone as transparent as you!”

  “Transparent? Really? Well, why don’t you go on another mountain hike. Maybe you’ll find a remaining member of the goddamn Manson family, and don’t expect my coward ass to come save you.”

  “Oh, thanks. Throw that back in my face. Real mature!” Carrie screams back, her face reddening with rage, “You’re so pathetic! Just because you put walls up around you, doesn’t mean that I can’t see right through your bravado. You think you’re so tough, when really, when it comes to anything real, anything outside the realm of intimidation, you can’t handle yourself.”

  “Or, maybe I’m just fed up with all the drama. Death is the only thing that is certain in this life. Not love, not trust, and certainly not friendship, so I’m sorry if I don’t want to go fuck every stranger I meet.”

  At this, Carrie stopped, and I knew I had screwed up. I knew I had gone too far with my insults. I had gotten carried away, angry by her blunt honesty and I had really upset her. Being an ass was one thing, but I had used the only real thing I knew about her against her more than once and this time, I could see in her expression that my words cut particularly deep.

  “Carrie,” I started, immediately trying to save myself, but she put her hand up and moved away from me with a sense of urgency. “Carrie, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that…”

  “You know what, Johnathan, I don’t really care. You could have meant it, you could not have meant it, but it doesn’t really matter. It still hurts all the same.”

  “Dammit, Carrie, I’m trying to apologize!” I insisted, but I knew it was too late. My comment had already done its damage.

  She ignored me, which angered me. I was more frustrated with myself than I was with her, but I didn’t have another way to curb my anger, so I lashed out.

  “You know what, forget it! If you can’t accept that I am happy, then you can leave. I don’t need you trying to convince me why I should be miserable.”

  At this, I received a reaction. I watched Carrie stop short, as her spine prickled with ire. I watched as the bones in her back thrust outward, underneath her shirt as she stood up abnormally straight.

  It seemed to take forever for Carrie to turn around.

  The stubborn ass that I am waited, knowing that I couldn’t show her any crack in my resolve. I had made my ultimatum and she was going to have to decide.

  Even though I didn’t mean it and even though I wish I could’ve taken everything that I had said to her, this entire day, back, I couldn’t bring myself to admit any of this. Once again, I told myself that all I needed was myself and that others, Jake included, were secondary to myself.

  After all, I had given everything I had and had it thrown back in my face. There was no way I was going to allow someone else to do that to me again.

  When she finally curled around, I could tell that her equally stubborn nature was going to challenge me. I knew that she was going to call my bluff, even before her brooding eyes ensnared my gaze within her sight and her shocked expression turned to pure anger.

  However, with the dramatic way in which she presented herself, I expected her to argue with me, or throw another hurtful comment in my direction, but she didn’t.

  Carrie didn’t curse me, or yell, or even show that she was hurt by the choice that I had demanded of her. She didn’t make me feel guilty and she didn’t even ask why I would go to such an extreme.

  Instead, her answer was simple, almost unfitting for the situation.

  “Fine,” she replied, without her gaze so much as wavering from mine. Her body language was stoic, and her tone was placid.

  I supposed that at that point, there was no reason for her to react any other way. I had given her an ultimatum and she had made her choice. There was no further room or need for discussion.

  However, when I watched her calmly turn around and walk toward the door, I certainly didn’t feel as though I had gotten what I wanted.

  In fact, I regretted nearly every decision I had made since meeting Carrie, though I still couldn’t justify a reason behind the commitment I had to her.

  Chapter 13

  Carrie

  I was livid and more hurt than I could ever remember being. Inside, I was quaking with anger and pain, which surprised me when my expression and tone came out even.

  However, I quickly decided, in that moment, when he had finally demanded I make that choice, that his decision to give me an ultimatum was a damn good reason to simply get the hell away from him.

  Obviously, I was wrong about him.

  I guess I’m not as good as judge of character as I thought I was… I told myself as I turned back toward the door.

  I didn’t really have a plan, though I knew that I wasn’t going to stay a moment longer in a place where I was unwanted. Johnathan had made it abundantly clear that it was time to move on.

  So, I walked toward the door, unwaveringly, trying not to show any sign of my distress. The aggravation he had caused made my head hurt and my ankle pulse with the rushing blood. However, I wasn’t going to show Johnathan any of that. I was done trying to figure him out.

  I was done with him.

  After all, how could he possibly do that to anyone, let alone a person who has tried to be nothing but nice to him.

  Sure, he saved my life and I owed him a great debt for that, but I wasn’t about to exchange one form of abuse for another. I wasn’t going to be a martyr for a cause that I knew nothing about, simply so that he could pretend he isn’t attracted to me.

  I knew the truth and while I wished he would see past his insecurities and trust me enough to let me in, I couldn’t make him do anything. I was sick of trying to figure out how to please him when all he seemed interested in was making me feel bad for one decision. I didn’t deserve that, and I wasn’t going to stand for him implying that I was a whore.

  I had far more self-respect than that and there was no way in hell I was going to let him take that away.

  When I opened the door and stepped out into the cool, mountain air, I drew in a deep breath, before moving forward and shutting the door behind me.

  I limped away from the cabin and as I did, I heard the door ope
ned and Johnathan’s voice call, in a slightly desperate manner, “Carrie! Come back! You can’t go out there like that! You still need to heal!”

  I heard footsteps behind me and I quickened my pace. I wasn’t going to let him find me and talk me back into being trapped in the cabin with him for another second.

  I had resolved that there was absolutely nothing I could do right, or to help him get over whatever it was that plagued him. While I wished things were different, I couldn’t help him change if he wasn’t wiling to put forth the effort, so there was nothing more I could do.

  “Come on, Carrie…” Johnathan called, somewhat contritely, from only a few feet behind me, “I know you’re not ready to leave…You might get hurt.”

  Knowing that it was only a moment more before he found me, I whipped around and screamed back into the woods, “I don’t need you! I never have!”

  Instantly, I saw Jake break through the thicket that surrounded me, wagging his tail, and running toward me, happy that he was able to track me down. I narrowed my eyes at him.

  “No!” I insisted, putting my arms up to signal I didn’t want him to go any closer. “Go home!”

  Jake stopped and backed up slightly but tilted his head as though he didn’t understand.

  “You heard me, go home!”