by Mia Ford
“You look a bit fucked up, if I’m honest,” my new best friend and fuck buddy, Cassie, or Snake Girl as I sometimes call her, says to me with a smirk. “Maybe it’s time for some water now?”
I promised myself that I would keep away from her after the first time we did stuff, but then as I’ve proven to myself I can’t resist the people that I’m definitely supposed to be avoiding.
“I don’t want water,” I growl in a sexy manner at her. “I want to go into the back with you.”
Maybe it isn’t wise to lose myself in booze and fucking when I should be spending my time hunting for a new job, but I just can’t face it. I can’t stand waiting for the question of why I left my last job. I don’t want anyone to know about that at all. I just want to forget about it, to put it in the past. Even Pru, I wish she wasn’t in my mind all the time, I wish I could forget the love I have for her, but it gets stronger every single day. Without her is worse than with her.
“You can’t come in the back with me, buddy, because the bar is full,” Cassie hisses back, seemingly getting irritated with me. The funny thing is I was scared of her becoming too attached to me, but it seems that I’ve become the crazed bunny boiler stalker who can’t let her go. It isn’t even her that I want, not really. But since I can’t have her, Cassie will do. I mean, she’s cool, she’s sexy and fun. What more could I want from a chick? Especially since she isn’t clingy. “I think it might be time for you to go, don’t you? You’ve had far too much. You better sleep it off.”
“But I don’t want to sleep it off,” I pout like a child. “This sucks. I want another one.”
Cassie slams her hands down on the bar and she stares at me. “Look, I’m not fucking around here. You’ve been in here for the last few weeks drinking until you’re stupid and making my job very difficult. I don’t want to be a dick, but you really have to go now.”
Still, I don’t leave. I remain seated as an intense sadness flurries through me. If I go I have to be in my apartment alone, thinking about what I’ve lost then I’ll end up going insane. I thought that time alone would help me to recover from my feelings for Pru, I assumed that I would figure out that it’s just a phase, but it’s gone nowhere. It’s stronger than ever.
“Dude.” Cassie clings onto my hands and she gives me an intense look. “I don’t know what is going on with you, but there’s clearly something that you need to sort out, and sitting here in the middle of this dive bar drinking your life away isn’t going to sort it. You are much too young for any of this shit, you do realize that, right? You need to solve this and move on.”
Solve this? I wonder what needs to be solved more. I seemingly can’t fix my career so what the fuck can I do? The only other thing I want is Pru but she’s out of reach. I pushed her away and I fucked things up. How can I go back to her and say ‘oh sorry, I didn’t mean it. I thought I had to sacrifice you to keep on working, but I was wrong’? She’ll hate me even more than she does already.
“I can’t fix it,” I tell Cassie sadly. “It’s too far gone, she doesn’t want to know.”
“Women trouble,” she mutters under her breath. “I should have known. Look, if this chick is worth of all this, then she’s worth fighting for as well. You might think that it’s done, but you could be wrong. You won’t know until you try, will you? Isn’t it worth having a go?”
Something about her words sets me free, she’s right about trying. I’ve been sitting here in a pool of misery, giving up. I’ve decided how Pru feels without even asking her. She probably hasn’t contacted me because I haven’t spoke to her, and I’m the one who freaked out and kicked her out. Maybe I should give her a chance to actually talk to me about how she feels. That would be the damn smart thing to do, I cannot believe that I didn’t think about it before.
“You’re right,” I gush happily at Cassie. “Oh my God, you’re right. I do need to do that.” I slap my hand down and push myself up. “Yep, I’m going to go now. I’ll… I’ll sober up on the way, it’ll be fine.” I don’t want to pause, even if it’s the smart thing to do. “Thank you, Cassie.”
As I run out of the bar, nothing has ever felt so right before. I can’t believe I haven’t done this yet, I’m such an idiot! What’s the point in sacrificing the only girl that I’ve ever loved for a job that doesn’t want me anymore? Why give up the only thing that’s ever brought me happiness? Pru is incredible, and perfect for me, and I think that I’m good for her too. In all honesty, that’s way more important than the rest of the bullshit. Maybe it took me a while to realize it, but I know now. This is what I need to do. I have to fight for the woman that I love, just like I should’ve been doing all along.
It’s a long way, but I don’t even think about it. I start running. My brain is everywhere, darting in all directions, freaking out with nerves and excitement. Possible outcomes fill my mind and I have no idea which one of them will come true. Maybe it’ll be a happy ever after, the lovely end to a wonderful romance, or maybe it won’t. Maybe she won’t want to know me, maybe she’s already found someone else, maybe she’ll slam the door in my face… but at least I’ll have closure. I won’t have to keep wondering over and over again, asking myself ‘what if?’.
It takes me a while to run out of breath, despite everything something must be keeping me going, but when I do it takes all that I have not to collapse onto the ground. The few weeks of living the unhealthy lifestyle of a drunk have finally caught up with me, and not in a good way.
I give up, and I hail a cab. I need to get there quickly, even if it isn’t in the most heroic way. So much time has been wasted already, it’d be silly to bypass even another moment.
By the time the cab driver drops me off near where Pru lives, I feel a little less chaotic. The manic side of me has died down as I’ve sobered up and now I feel a lot more rational. This is still something that I really want to do though, that hasn’t changed just because I’m calmer. Once all of this is over, whatever way it goes, I need to thank Cassie for giving me a much needed kick, up the ass. She got through my saddled brain and made me realize that I’ve been a fool.
I glance around, feeling ill as I recall just how crappy Pru’s neighborhood is. No matter what had happened, I never should’ve kicked her out and sent her back here. I should’ve found her somewhere new to live like I promised her I would. Somewhere much nicer. She’s too good to be in a hell hole like this. I feel like I’ve been gut punched as I try to accept what I’ve done, all through my own selfishness. When I got the news of my firing I only thought about how it affected me, not her.
I hope this is something that I can make right, I think to myself as I plough on, needing to see her face even more desperately now. I hope she doesn’t hate me.
As I walk through the building to Pru’s home, all the memories that we’ve shared together flicker through my mind, none of them from the center. That time was so irrelevant to us, so nothing, it’s unimportant. I recall taking her out to view apartments and to do job interviews and how happy she was, I remember coming here to pick her up when it all got too much from her, then bringing her back to mine where we shared a delicate kiss for the very first time. I think about when we first caved to temptation and slept together at last. That really did feel like it was a long time coming. Then, I think about the night that she got drunk and I kissed her, when I really did fuck up.
By the time I’m outside her door, I’ve talked myself into being a trembling mess. I could use another drink for a bit of Dutch courage, but it’s too late for that now. It’s now or never.
I raise my hand, internally preparing myself before banging on the door, a noise so loud it shoots right through my brain. I actually feel myself jump a little, which is crazy because I’m the one who made that noise. When I don’t get anything for a couple of minutes, I rise up onto my tiptoes and I press my ear against the door. I swear I can hear movement inside, which causes me to knock again.
“Who’s there?” comes the eventual, weary reply. Even hea
ring her voice in this state, melts me.
“It’s er, it’s Logan, actually.” A heat stains my cheeks, I actually feel embarrassed. Maybe acting on a whim wasn’t such a good idea after all. “Can we talk for a moment, please?”
“Logan?” The door swings open and all the breath is sucked from my body. Pru looks even more beautiful than I remember with her pale blonde hair that’s slightly longer now, her high cheek bones and bright eyes, her womanly curves which she now knows much better how to show off… she’s a dream, but she’s real, and once upon a time she was mine. “What the hell are you doing here?”
I glance behind her seeing a sight that stops my heart. “Why is all your stuff boxed up?”
“Oh that’s…” She waves her hand dismissively. “That’s nothing. Why are you here?”
I push past her, not waiting for permission. Everything she owns is packed away, this apartment doesn’t look lived in at all. It’s a good job I came today or I would’ve missed her! She’d be in another home completely. I can’t believe it, I feel sick to my stomach. I really have lost her.
“What’s going on, Pru?” I demand, needing my answers even if I don’t really deserve them. “Why is all your stuff packed away? Do you have a new apartment, or something?”
She folds her arms defensively across her chest. “It isn’t really your business, is it?”
“No, I know.” I shake my head gravely. “I lost the right to ask you anything when I was an asshole, but I want to apologize, I want to tell you that I’m not going to be an idiot anymore. I want to make it right.” I glance up at her, ready to spill my guts. “I want to tell you what I should’ve been brave enough to say all along, and that’s that I love you.”
There’s something very freeing about finally getting those words out, it makes me feel lighter than a balloon and full of delicious cool air… but Pru doesn’t look impressed, not at all.
“You’re too late,” she says curtly. “I’m leaving. I’m moving away from the city. Tonight.”
Chapter Twenty Eight – Prudence
This is just a test, it has to be. Another thing come along to test my resolve. Just when I thought I had everything worked out all over again, this shocker comes out of the left wing to knock me over. I’ve spent a week and a half planning this, I know for a fact that it’s what I have to do and nothing is going to stop me. Not even the love of my life declaring that he feels the same way.
“It’s too late,” I reiterate, really trying to drive the point home. “I’m about to go now.”
“You can’t go.” He shakes his head rapidly from side to side. “You can’t, it isn’t right. I know that I fucked up but you can’t just leave. I mean, where are you even going?”
I sigh loudly, knowing that this is going to be the worst bit. “I’m moving to another state, Logan. I’m going to California to start again. I can’t be in New York anymore, it isn’t the place for me. I have… too many memories here, too many things that have gone wrong.” I give him a meaningful look, hoping that he knows I include him in that list. “I need to be free. To start new.”
“But… but what about practical stuff?” I can almost see him panicking. “What about an apartment and a job? What about paying for stuff? What about… there’s just too much to do.”
I chuckle lightly, finally feeling like an adult who doesn’t need to be taken care of. “I’ve done all that, Logan. I have an apartment, I’ve paid the deposit on it. I even have a job lined up. Just a temporary thing until I work out what I really want to do… you’ve helped me well, Logan, but I know what I’m doing now.” I pull the check out of my bag that I was going to quietly and anonymously drop off on my way, but I might as well give it to him now since he’s here. “I even have the cash to pay you back. I picked up some extra shifts in a bar to save up a little so…”
“So, you really are doing it?” Logan takes the check off me and he stuffs it into his pocket. He needs the money more than me now since he’s out of work as far as I know. “You really are going?”
“I’ve had a wonderful time here in New York City, but I think I need to put my past behind me once and for all now. The center is here which will always remind me of my childhood, and well.. you know, getting my heart broken. Not that I blame you, of course. You didn’t have a choice.”
“But that’s the thing.” Logan steps closer to me and for some reason I allow him to take my hands, despite the fact that I know it’ll stir me up all over again. Mind you, this whole visit has done that all by itself. “I did have a choice and I chose wrong. I should have told the center where to go. I only didn’t because I was afraid I couldn’t do anything else with my life and I also thought the cops might come in the picture. Trust me, I got threatened with that on more than one occasion.”
“A threat that they carried out,” I tell him honestly. His eyes fill up with fear and shock, compelling me to dispel those emotions. “I got rid of them, there’s nothing to worry about, but yeah they did come. That’s something else I want to get away from. I want to be somewhere new where no one knows me so I don’t have to feel like I’m always looking over my shoulder.”
Now that he’s here, I realize that would be a better dream if I could have it with Logan. There we could just be two people who met and fell in love. I yearn for that, I would love that, much as I’m excited for the new adventure I would much rather do it with him than alone… but I can’t ask him to give up the life that he has here. His roots are dug much deeper than mine.
“I can’t lose you.” All of a sudden, Logan starts sobbing and he collapses to his knees as if in shock. “I can’t lose you, Pru, I can’t. I don’t want to do my life without you.” I remain silent because I don’t know what he expects me to say to that. “I can’t imagine going through the rest of my life without you. Pru, you are everything to me. I need you. Please…” He glances up at me, looking at me with wet, sad eyes. “Please, let me come with you. I want to start again too.”
My heart lifts and dances with excitement, but I know that I cannot agree. “No, Logan, you can’t come with me. I don’t have a life here and you do. I can’t ask you to leave that for me.”
“I don’t have anything!” he insists while flinging his arms in the air. “I have an apartment that I hate, no job, no friends, no nothing. If you go, I really won’t have anything. This won’t just be for you, it’ll be for myself too. Please, we could go and get my stuff, get into my car and drive there together. It’ll be wonderful, just me and you as it was always meant to be.”
His offer is so tempting it makes my mouth water. If I think about it, the only issue that me and Logan had was other people. If we can eliminate that then there’s no reason why we can’t make this work. I can go back to the girl who has it all, but it can be real, no longer a dream ready to be shredded apart at any given moment. He seems dead serious too, like he really does want this.
“How do I know that you’re serious?” I check. “How do I know that this isn’t just a spur of the moment thing because it isn’t for me. I’ve been working on this for ages, I know it’s what I want.”
Logan unexpectedly reaches into his pocket and he pulls out a small box as if that holds all the answers. “Pru, I brought this in secret a while ago, the moment that I knew I was falling in love with you. I might have told myself that I let go of you, but I haven’t and the proof is in the fact that I’ve been carrying this around with me ever since I first got it, I still want you to have it.”
“What is it?” I ask while leaning forward to get a better look. Nope, it just looks like a small little black box to me, nothing special. That is… until Logan opens it and I get a glimpse of the beautiful small, delicate diamond and silver ring that he has inside. “Logan, what…?”
“Prudence Evans, I’ve wanted to marry you for longer than you know. There’s something very special about you that hooks me in and keeps me there, falling deeper in love with you every single day. I haven’t built many connections in my life, a
nd none as strong as the one that I feel with you.”
My breaths become ragged, I can hardly stand this, it’s all crazily too much. This day has been a roller coaster from start to finish, and it isn’t showing any signs of letting up just yet.
“I want to come to California with you, or wherever the hell I want to go because you are my home, and I want to spend the rest of my life making up for all the mistakes that I’ve made. I want to make you happy, to love you with everything that I’ve got, to really have a future with you. I never wanted to settle down with anyone before, but that’s just because I hadn’t met the right person. But you are that person, and I can’t see a future with anyone else.” He smiles thinly through the tears streaming down his face and I return the expression. My whole body is shaking with happiness, I don’t know what’s going on. “So, while this isn’t exactly the way that I imagined this moment happening, but it’s here now upon us. Will you make me the happiest man alive and marry me?”
“Of course I will,” I say without a moment of hesitation. This might be unexpected, but it’s what I want more than anything in the world. “Yes, yes, so many times yes.”
Logan leaps up to kiss me while sliding the ring onto my finger, and as he does I really feel like I’m his for the very first time. He’s claimed me now with this ring, which solidifies an actual, real life future for us together. All of a sudden, my life in California feels even brighter with the love of my life by my side. We can finally just be happy, which is all we’ve ever wanted.
