by Hodge, Sibel
****
The first thing I did when I got back to the house was call Kerry and apologize for avoiding her. She was great about it. She understood completely, and I did feel my mood lighten because of it.
Jealousy is out. Happiness is in. Woo hoo!
Then I went upstairs and lay on the bed, closing my eyes, thinking about everything that Suzanne had said.
I breathed deeply for a while before summoning up an image in my head of my baby. It was a girl, and I actually called her Zelda (maybe I’d get extra Brownie points for that!). She was beautiful. She had Karl’s hair and my almond-shaped eyes. Her ears were small and cute, and she had a button nose that was so precious. I held her in my arms and rubbed my nose against hers, sniffing her gorgeous baby smell. She giggled back at me with happiness.
I thought about my motives for wanting her in my life. I wanted to teach her things so she would grow up to be a good person. I wanted to cherish her and nourish her. I wanted to appreciate the miracle of her. I wanted to enjoy her – see her flourish into a blossoming woman. I wanted to love her unconditionally and have fun with her. I thought about how she would enhance my life. She would make it fuller, richer. Yes, there would be times when she’d be a complete pain in the arse, but she would bring fun and enjoyment and depth to us that couldn’t be gained by any other thing in life.
I pictured everything in my mind for half an hour, but I knew I’d have to let it go. Banish it from my thoughts completely, like Suzanne had said, and trust Zelda to bring it to me.
I took a deep breath and opened my eyes. No more vision.
Now I’d spend time concentrating on my life.
Karl and Britney
Karl arrived home minus his tie and reeking of perfume, so the night didn’t start off too well. This wasn’t the first time! Either he was going through a midlife crisis and stealing my Fantasy by Britney Spears or he was having an affair.
Agh! Maybe that was it. Maybe he was having an affair. Had I been pushing him away so much, lost in my own crisis, that I hadn’t noticed the warning signs?
I got a waft of Britney as he sauntered into the room, looking slightly dishevelled. I stirred the tomato, garlic, and roasted pepper sauce (all organic, of course) and glared at him.
‘What have I done now?’ He undid his first two shirt buttons and poured himself a glass of non-alcoholic wine.
‘Are you having an affair with Britney Spears, or couldn’t you find your aftershave this morning?’ I stopped mid-stir and scrutinized his face for signs of devious behaviour. But what did devious behaviour look like?
Wait a sec, did he just glance shiftily at his briefcase? What did that mean?
Omigod, even worse thought! Maybe this was the sign from Zelda. After all, there’d been the headlines on the newspaper about the councillor having an affair. What if the Australia poster wasn’t a sign from her at all? What if she was really trying to tell us to split up? Get a divorce? Tell us our relationship wasn’t working anymore? We’d been under so much stress for nearly two years with all this baby business, it was bound to put pressure on us. And, let’s face it, I hadn’t exactly been fun to be around lately. I thought back to how we’d met ten years ago. Amelia, Kerry, and I had been in a nightclub, having a photo competition of who could have the most photos take with the most guys. I won. Then we’d got bored of that game (which we thought was hilarious at the time), and spied an empty dancer’s pole next to the bar. Of course, I had to have a go. But strangely, two bottles of wine and swinging around a pole at high velocity didn’t seem to mix, and I lost my grip, falling off and landing slap bang on top of Karl, who was standing at the bar trying to order a pint of beer. That was the woman Karl fell in love with – the slightly crazy, lively, anything-for-a-laugh girl – until the past few years had turned me into a dull, lifeless party-pooper who didn’t know how to have a good time anymore. Could I really blame him if he wanted to have an affair?
Fuck! A cold sliver of fear danced up my spine.
His intense brown eyes gazed back at me. ‘Sometimes I don’t have clue what you’re talking about.’ He sipped his wine, a puzzled look sweeping over his face.
‘Well that makes two of us, then. But that’s not the point.’
‘So what is?’
I grated some parmesan vigorously. Too vigorously, actually, and the whole block exploded in a cheesy, lumpy heap in the dish. ‘You coming home stinking of perfume. That’s the point.’
He pulled his collar out and sniffed at it like a dog. ‘I can’t smell anything except garlic.’
I threw him a suspicious look. ‘Why do you smell like the perfume counter at Boots, then?’ I slopped the pasta into some bowls, spooned the sauce on top, and slammed them on the kitchen table.
He sipped his wine, looking sheepish. There was definitely something going on.
Or was I just being oversensitive?
‘For fuck’s sake, Gina! Stop being so paranoid about everything.’ He plonked himself down at the table, avoiding my gaze. Instead, he directed his attention to the pasta that he hated.
‘I’m not being paranoid. You’ve been acting weird for ages.’
‘Well, that makes two of us, then.’ He exhaled a heavy sigh. ‘It’s your birthday soon, isn’t it?’
‘Yes,’ I muttered slowly, hoping this was going to be a good explanation, otherwise I could see the entire dinner going over his head.
‘So, if you must know, I went to John Lewis on the way home and was trying out some tester perfumes for a present. If you don’t believe me, have a look in my briefcase, but you’ll ruin the surprise.’ He glanced up.
I smiled with relief. How stupid of me to think he was having an affair. I kicked myself under the table as I sat down. Of course he wouldn’t do that. He loved me.
He peered at his dinner, his lip curling up in disgust. ‘Urgh. Are we eating worms again?’ He poked his fork in and pulled out some pasta, staring at it like it was going to rear up and bite him on the nose.
‘It’s good for you. Eat it.’ I took a mouthful and grimaced. What I wouldn’t do for a very un-organic pizza or burger and chips. Why did the good stuff always taste horrible?
****
After Karl disappeared to the pub to “have a normal conversation with my friends, rather than talking to a non-normal, hormonal woman,” Amelia and Kerry arrived bearing gifts of wine and Galaxy bars. Once again, I had to think of my healthy diet and deprive myself of scrummy chocolate and stick to one glass of non-alcoholic elderflower wine. Oh, OK, maybe two. Whoopee!
Hugs all round, and an extra special one for Kerry.
‘Oh, you’ve got so big!’ I said.
Feel genuine happiness. It will come back to you.
I stepped back to check out her bump. Then I reached my hand out and touched it.
Amelia watched me with a worried look. She probably thought I was about to rip the baby out of Kerry’s stomach there and then and run off with it.
‘It’s OK, guys! I’m OK,’ I said. ‘I’ve been seeing this fantastic woman who’s helping me look at things differently.’
‘Only two weeks to go!’ Kerry said with a beaming smile, rubbing her stomach.
Don’t punch her. Be happy for her.
I hugged her again. ‘You’re so lucky,’ I said, without a trace of jealousy. OK, maybe a teeny tiny bit, but hey, I was only human! ‘How’s Mark? Is he meeting Dan and Karl down the pub?’
‘No.’ Kerry’s eyes sparkled with love. ‘He’s putting the finishing touches to the nursery. We’re doing it in lavender and butterscotch. Oh, it’s so gorgeous!’
‘How is everything between you?’ Amelia asked her.
She waved a hand. ‘Fantastic! Great! It’s amazing. We click on every level, and he’s been so kind and supportive. I can’t wait to marry this one!’
‘I’m not talking to you.’ I pointed a finger at Amelia as I uncorked her wine and poured out a big glass, drooling as I looked at it. ‘How can you bring wine and chocolat
e round and I can’t even have any.’
Amelia gave me a sheepish grin. ‘Sorry.’ But she didn’t seem that sorry as she took a sip and said, ‘Oh, that is sooooooo good!’
‘Oooh, you bitch!’ I grinned.
Kerry took the glass off her and sniffed it. ‘Yep, I miss this, too. Maybe we should confiscate it.’ She looked at me and held the glass high in the air so Amelia couldn’t reach it.
‘Hey! Stop ganging up on me.’ Amelia swung her arm through the air, trying to reach it.
‘You wouldn’t fight with a pregnant woman, would you?’ Kerry faked a stern look.
Amelia rolled her eyes. ‘I can tell this is going to be a long night.’
We made our way into the lounge and sat on the sofas – well, Kerry waddled and then spent five minutes easing herself up and down, trying to get comfortable.
‘So how’s the treatment going? Tell us all about it.’ Amelia gushed, curling her legs underneath her.
‘Hang on, I’ll tell you in a minute. First you have to do me a favour and look in Karl’s briefcase.’ I fiddled with the locks on it and then broke my fingernail. ‘Shit.’ I peered at my nail.
‘Why?’ She half-laughed, half-frowned at me.
The locks pinged open. ‘Here.’ I passed the case to her. ‘I think he might be having an affair. I need you to look inside and tell me if there’s a bottle of perfume inside.’
She rested her glass on the floor. ‘He is not having an affair.’ She laughed. ‘Have you gone mad? He’d never do that to you.’
‘Of course he wouldn’t,’ Kerry agreed.
I gave them a knowing look and folded my arms across my chest. ‘Go on. Have a look.’ I nodded my head towards it impatiently.
Amelia sighed and opened it. ‘There’s a—’
I put my hand up to stop her.
‘What?’ she laughed. ‘You said you wanted to know what’s in it!’
‘Just tell me if there’s a bottle of perfume in there. But don’t tell me what it is if there is one,’ I said, trying to avoid peeking inside myself.
Amelia shook her head and snorted. ‘Yes,’ she said.
‘Yes, what?’ I said, a bad, bubbling sensation creeping from my stomach up to my chest. ‘Yes, there is perfume in there, or yes, you think he’s having an affair?’
‘Yes, there is perfume in there.’ She closed it firmly and put it back on the floor.
I nodded thoughtfully. ‘Hmm.’ So he was telling the truth. ‘What sort is it?’ I raised an eyebrow.
‘Not telling.’ Amelia giggled. ‘You said you didn’t want to know. And anyway, I’m sure it’s supposed to be a surprise. Why do you think he’s having an affair?’
I sipped my fake wine and hugged my knees into my chest. ‘I don’t know. I’m probably just being stupid, but,’ I said with a shrug, ‘lately, it’s just like we’ve been drifting apart. We never seem to have any time for each other anymore. I’m always caught in an anxious cycle – impatient until ovulation time, then pissed off when my period arrives. Part of me knows I’m pushing him away, but I’ve only been able to focus on one thing. It’s worse than being addicted to drugs. Not that I ever have been, but, you know what I mean. It’s like the worst kind of craving that never goes away. You eat, sleep, and breathe it constantly. It’s an addiction. And the way I’ve been acting lately, I’m sure even you guys have been calling me Crazy Gina behind my back.’
Amelia chuckled. ‘We’ve always called you Crazy Gina!’
‘Yes, but that was crazy in a fun way. Now I’m crazy in a questionable-mental-health way.’
Kerry squeezed my arm gently. ‘With all the treatment you’ve been through in the last few years, it’s bound to put a lot of stress on both of you. Maybe you need to take some time out for yourselves after the IVF session. You know, spend more quality time together. I know it’s easier said than done to forget about wanting a baby, but…’ She gave me a sad smile, gauging my face for my reaction to what she was about to say. ‘There has to be a cut-off point. A time when you say that’s enough, and try to get on with your life.’
I nodded and glanced down at the floor. ‘I know. I know you’re right. Karl says the same thing, and I’ve started seeing this really lovely lady who does crystal healing, and she’s given me lots to think about, too.’ I told them all about Suzanne. ‘You know Poppy’s pregnant now, too.’ I gave them a grim smile.
Stop it! Be genuinely happy! Wait for the good Karma to come back to you. Listen to Suzanne!
‘Oh, honey.’ Amelia put her arm round me and pulled me towards her so my head was resting against hers.
‘But she was the one that gave me the idea about all this Universe stuff to begin with, and that’s when I started talking to Zelda, and then I met Suzanne, and they gave me this idea…well, not exactly an idea, because I haven’t got a clue what it means,’ I said, aware that I was babbling.
Kerry and Amelia looked at me with confused expressions.
‘I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I’m going to need some new direction in my life. Just in case…you know, in case I can never get pregnant. I need something else to concentrate on to stop me falling apart. I have to break this vicious cycle I’m in.’ I hesitated. ‘Karl’s been encouraging me to think about something, too.’ I filled her in on Poppy and Suzanne’s suggestion about asking the Universe for help, and being blown towards the travel agents, and how I thought it was a sign from Zelda.’
Surprisingly, they didn’t even laugh. Maybe they were just being polite. If someone had said the same to me a year ago, I would’ve cracked up and dragged them off to the funny farm. Now I actually believed all this Universe stuff.
‘Ooh, interesting,’ Amelia released me and took a sip of her wine. ‘But…how can that help you?’
‘I don’t know. Maybe that’s what I’m supposed to do in life if I can’t be a mum.’ I shrugged.
‘What? Go on holiday to Australia?’ Kerry nodded thoughtfully, although she didn’t look convinced. I wasn’t convinced, either. I didn’t know if this really was a sign, but I just had this weird feeling that Zelda meant me to see the travel agents. Or was I turning into a complete basket case? Maybe it was just an unexplainable mini tornado or something. Sometimes you got freak weather like that in the UK, didn’t you?
‘I agree you need some sort of project to get stuck into. Something new in your life to concentrate on to fill the gap,’ Amelia said.
‘I know.’ I took another gulp of fake wine, contemplated stealing Amelia’s real wine instead, and then set it back down on the floor. ‘But a holiday’s only a temporary fix. A two-week holiday isn’t going to help me long term. It needs to be something drastic. A journey where I don’t know what’s going to happen.’ I twisted round to face them. ‘I think I want to travel around Australia for a while. Maybe a year or so and see where we go from there. Take each day as it comes instead of being ruled by thermometers and periods. I need to get me back again, and Karl and I need to get back to appreciating each other before he really does get fed up with me and have an affair.’
‘Wow!’ Kerry rubbed her bump absentmindedly. ‘That’s definitely drastic!’
‘What does Karl think?’ Amelia exchanged a brief look of surprise with Kerry, as if worried I’d finally tipped over the edge.
‘Erm…I haven’t told him yet.’
‘But what about his job – or your business, even?’ Kerry asked.
‘Yes, I’m not too sure about that part yet.’ I waved my hand in the air. ‘I haven’t really thought about Karl’s job. Obviously, I’d have to give up my clients, but maybe I could start something out there. I reckon with all that sunshine people will be dying for a Hollywood.’ I giggled.
‘God. I don’t know what to say.’ Amelia’s eyes widened. ‘I’ll miss you if you go.’
‘So will I! You’re going to be a godmother soon,’ Kerry said.
‘Me, too.’ I sniffed.
‘But we’re here to support you in anything you do. Yo
u know that, right?’ Amelia gave me a concerned look.
I put my arms round both of them. ‘Don’t worry. I haven’t gone completely off my trolley. And nothing is certain yet. I haven’t even talked to Karl, so I don’t know what will happen.’
Timetable City
My life was still being ruled by schedules. The day before, my period arrived, but I wasn’t as angry as I’d been in the past. Now I had something else to concentrate on, I was feeling a whole lot more positive, plus, this time my period didn’t mean the end of something. It meant the beginning of the IVF process.
As instructed, I had to phone the hospital to let them know, and they scheduled an appointment for me to pick up my fertility drugs. For the next few months my life would be:
Day 21 of cycle – Start down regulation drugs to suppress my natural hormones. I will have to sniff them twice a day, which will basically make my reproductive system shut down and send me spiralling into menopause.
2- 3 weeks later – 1st scan to check down regulation is working and look for any cysts. Apparently, cysts are a big side effect, and knowing my luck, I’ll bloody well get them.
No, think positive. No cysts. None. Not even an ickle one.
Start egg stimulation injections. Ew! An acupuncture needle wasn’t as bad as expected, but the thought of sticking a needle in me is just horrible. A vision of all those butch nurses at school giving us our required jabs put me off for life.
7 - 8 days later – 2nd scan to check size of follicles/thickness of uterus.
5 - 10 days later – 3rd scan.
Final injection to start ovulation. Another one, yuck!
Thirty-five hours later – Egg collection. Yes, it will work OK. I won’t get stabbed in the bowel with the needle, or get an infection, or anything else for that matter.
