by Hodge, Sibel
3 - 5 days later – Embryo transfer. Ditto. And my embryos will be fully developed and fine because Zelda is going to make sure it happens. I trust you, Zelda. Pssst! Are you listening?
I sorted out the drugs, some of which had to be stored in the fridge, and tried my hardest to forget about them, although that was easier said than done when I kept seeing them wedged in between the organic eggs and organic goat’s milk every time I peered in for something to eat. The only way to take my mind off it was to get stuck into some research on Australia.
It had a population of around twenty-two million, and because most of it was desert or semi-desert, it had approximately two people per square kilometre of total land area. It was ranked seventeenth in the world for broadband uptake (always handy). It ranked 5th country in the world for beer drinking (Karl would be ecstatic). And it ranked thirty-third in the world for suicide rates. Oh, well, if my plans to travel around didn’t work out we could always drink ourselves to death.
I perused the Australian Embassy’s website and downloaded a couple of information packs. We were eligible to get a year’s tourist visa to travel around. Perfect!
I scoured websites looking for pictures. Ayers Rock (I’d always been fascinated about that when I saw the film Picnic at Hanging Rock where the schoolgirls disappeared unexplainably. OK, so it was a completely different rock, but creepily fascinating, nevertheless), the Great Barrier Reef, Sydney harbour, the outback (not too sure about that one, since I saw the film A Cry in the Dark where a dingo stole a baby), Tasmania (as long as I didn’t bump into those little devils), the Gold Coast where we could pretend to be surfer dudes. The list of places to see and things to experience was amazing.
A bubble of excitement started at the pit of my stomach and worked its way up to my throat. Yes, this was it. We could hire out a campervan and just go where the whim took us, which was apparently a favoured way for travellers to sightsee. No more planning. No more stress. Just a chilled-out, healthy way of life, going from destination to destination, experiencing life again and being relaxed. If that didn’t take my mind off things, I didn’t know what would. And the possibilities were endless. We could fall in love with the place and decide to stay there. Some high-powered company might head-hunt Karl. I might win the National Brazilian Waxing Competition and be so in demand I’d have to turn clients away.
I stared out of the window and daydreamed. I could picture me in a bikini and Karl looking sexy in some tight trunks, instead of those horrible baggy boxers he’d been wearing. It was Christmas Day, and we were on the beach cooking turkey breasts on the barbie (had just learnt that’s Australian for BBQ), instead of freezing to death round Dad and Lavinia’s house because she was too tight to put the heating on. Karl and I both had golden tans, and I had a beautiful pink flower in my hair. Karl had a koala bear on his shoulder who was our pet (not entirely sure how we’d got him, but that wasn’t important), and a couple of Aborigines were playing a didgeridoo around a camp fire.
I let out a blissful sigh.
We only had a small mortgage, so if we rented the house out, most of the money could go towards our travel expenses. We could live on a budget, act like teenagers again, and most importantly, have fun and appreciate what we had. Suzanne was always talking about living in the moment and taking the time to enjoy life. This was definitely the way to do it.
But what would Karl think about it?
Babies, Babies Everywhere
I still hadn’t spoken to Karl about Australia. I wanted to make sure I knew as much as possible about it before I brought the possibility up so I could make it sound more appealing to him.
I’d started the nasal spray to down regulate my system and turn me into a cross between Mother Teresa and Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator. Even a simple trip to the supermarket was a nightmare. When a grungy teenager rammed his trolley into the back of my legs, I wanted to rip his head off and shove it down his throat. The next minute, I wanted to bring him home for tea and cook him a good meal. I’d avoided going out of the house ever since for fear of what might happen. It was like snorting cat’s piss, and as well as the uncontrollable rages and mood swings, the other side effects were: headaches, night sweats, sneezeitis, knackerditis, and insomnia, which gave me plenty of time to surf the net on my quest to find out more about sunny Oz.
It was the weekend, and neither of us had work. Yippee! So I snuggled into Karl’s shoulder as we lay in bed, wanting to stay there forever thinking nice, happy, positive thoughts, and daydreaming (which was my new favourite pastime) about which campervan we could hire out. Would we need a four-berth one, or would two be enough? They were pretty small, though. Would we feel claustrophobic? Should we fly to Sydney first or Perth?
I stared at his snoozing face and traced the contours of his nose gently with my finger. His dark brown hair was tinted with grey at the temples now, but he was still as gorgeous to me as when we first met.
We finally surfaced at 10 a.m., but he was in a really bored mood and kept pacing around aimlessly. I was trying to read Marie Claire but he kept putting me off, which was very annoying as there was an interesting article about a couple who travelled around the USA in a campervan for four years and had a blast.
I put my mug of peppermint tea down and watched him wandering around the lounge in a circle like a cat trying to catch its tail. ‘What are you doing?’
‘Thinking.’ He clasped his hands together and pinched at his lips with his forefingers.
‘What about?’
‘Life.’ He shrugged.
Well that narrowed it down a bit. ‘Life in general, or something specific?’ He was worrying me now. He had a funny kind of spaced out look on his face.
He stopped pacing and sank down next to me, opening his mouth to say something when the phone rang. ‘I’ll get it.’ He leapt up and shot off into the hall.
I heard muffled conversation and strained my ears to eavesdrop but couldn’t make much out.
‘I’m going out.’ He stuck his head round the door and sloped off again.
Was he acting weird, or was I imagining things?
One Cosmo and two Marie Claires later, Karl still wasn’t back. Maybe he was organizing another surprise for my birthday. Or maybe he really was having a secret tryst with Britney. I was feeling restless myself, craving something, but not sure what. Chocolate? Wine? A cigarette? A shag? No, not a shag. I’d had enough to last a lifetime lately.
It couldn’t be easy for him, either, could it? I knew he hated seeing me have to go through all the fertility treatment, and the worse bit was yet to come. I’d been too wrapped up in myself and how I was feeling to take notice of how difficult it must be for him to cope with not having a baby. Although he said he didn’t mind whether we had a boy or a girl, I knew secretly he was longing to have a little boy to play with and do boys’ stuff. The drugs were already messing up my system, and I was trying really hard not to take it out on him because he desperately felt the empty space of no children in our lives, too. I’d read a lot of stories about fertility treatment and IVF wrecking marriages. Did he want out of it? Would he leave me if I couldn’t have a child?
Shut up brain! You mentioned the B-word. What did Suzanne tell you? Stop thinking about it and let it go.
Ha! That’s easy for you to say!
It is easy because I’m your brain. Now pack it in!
Oh, fuck off, brain!
Ahem. That’s no way to talk to me.
Maybe the cat’s piss was giving me psychosis. Luckily, I was saved from any further schizophrenic tendencies by Mark phoning
‘Kerry’s had the baby!’ He squealed down the phone. I didn’t think it was possible for a man to squeal but there was definite squealing going on.
‘And she’d love to see you all. If…’ he paused for a minute. ‘You know…if you want to.’
The thought of seeing and holding their baby filled me with dread for a moment, and I started having a mini panic attack. I’d have to hold it a
nd pretend everything was OK; put on a brave face when all I wanted to do was hate Kerry and Mark. What if I couldn’t control my jealousy? I wanted to kill someone. Kerry and Mark would do for starters. What if I was a complete bitch to them? What if I blubbed everywhere and embarrassed myself? What if it never happened for me? I had an overwhelming urge to throw up so I took some deep breaths before my brain started screaming at me again. Why did it all come so easy to Kerry who hadn’t even wanted a baby? Why could she get pregnant on one stupid night when a condom split and I couldn’t after months of timed-to-perfection sex?
That’s when I heard Suzanne’s voice in my head…
Success and happiness is infinite. Be genuinely happy for them. The happier you are, the more those things will come to you. Trust that everything is connected. Visualize your baby and then let it go.
Then I felt so guilty. As usual, the hormones and obsession were taking over my rational thoughts. What was the point in feeling sorry for myself? It wasn’t going to get me anywhere. And Suzanne was right. I needed to be positive. I had to get things into perspective. There were millions of starving people in the world. And what about the other millions dying from incurable diseases? At least I had enough food on the table, a shelter over my head, and I was healthy, even if my ovaries didn’t seem to be functioning properly. It wasn’t fair, but then who ever said life was fair? I didn’t want Kerry to feel awkward or upset because she’d managed to do what I couldn’t.
‘When did she have it? Is it a girl or a boy? How much did it weigh?’ I forced myself to sound happier.
‘An hour ago. A girl. Seven and a half pounds. She’s so beautiful.’
‘Are they both OK?’ I asked.
‘Yes, they’re both absolutely perfect. Can you ring Amelia and Dan and let them know? I want to get back to my family.’ His voice was tinged with pride.
‘Of course I will. And I’d love to come and see them,’ I said. ‘Now get off the phone and get back to them.’
Karl walked in as I was hanging up, thankfully not smelling of anything other than paint. He’d been helping Dan fit a new dongle-sprocket – or something or other – to his model train set.
‘Kerry’s had the baby,’ I said, willing my voice to come out sounding happy. ‘Let’s go and visit her.’ I grabbed my bag and rooted around for my car keys.
‘Good for Kerry.’
I glanced up suddenly at the sadness in his voice. His shoulders sagged and his face had crumpled, making him look as worn out as I felt from all the lack of sleep.
‘Oh, Karl.’ I was overcome with a sinking feeling as I gathered him into my arms.
‘I feel like I’m a failure,’ he whispered into my hair. ‘I can’t give you what you want.’
‘You’re not a failure.’
He snorted.
‘If anyone’s a failure, it’s me,’ I said.
‘When you first said you wanted a baby, I thought it would be easy. But the more time has gone on, and the more I see you go through all the treatment, it just makes me wonder what will happen if we can’t have children. I know I’m not as emotionally involved in it all like you, but…’ his voice cracked and I glanced up at him. Tears rolled freely from his bloodshot eyes. ‘…it doesn’t mean I want it any less.’
‘I know.’ I stroked his back. ‘Normally it’s you that’s the positive one, and I’m the negative one.’
‘It seems like we’ve swapped places lately. I feel like I have to be the strong one all the time, but it’s not easy for me, either.’
‘Everything will work out OK. If it’s meant to be, it will happen,’ I said with more confidence than I actually felt, managing to raise a slight smile. If ever there was a time I needed to believe Suzanne, it was now. ‘We’ll get through this together.’ I held onto him so tight I couldn’t tell where his heartbeat began and mine ended.
****
As we walked along the hospital corridor towards Kerry’s bed, I kept my eyes fixed on the floor in front of me so I wouldn’t have to be confronted with the thing I wanted most in the world. Karl squeezed my hand beside me, acknowledging the sadness I felt inside. The sadness we both felt. I fully intended not to look at any of the ecstatic parents celebrating their good fortune, but the sound of a high-pitched wail jarred my head automatically in the direction of the cries. A woman was holding her baby, gazing down into its face with an expression of pure joy. A thought flitted through my brain for a brief moment – would anyone notice if I ran off with it? I glanced back down the corridor where we’d come from. No one was around. It would only take a couple of seconds to scoop up the baby and dash off. I could drive straight to Scotland. I’d dye my hair, wear a big bodysuit so I looked three stone heavier, dress in frumpy clothes. It was perfect. No one would recognize me…
‘Gina?’ Karl hissed, sending me tumbling back to reality as I realized I was rooted to the spot, still staring at the baby. I shook my head to clear it of irrational thoughts.
Kerry shifted into a sitting position in bed when we approached, a huge smile plastered on her face. ‘Oh, I’m so glad you guys came.’
I bent over and hugged her. Karl slapped Mark on the back. To the outside world, we looked like we didn’t have a care in the world.
I handed her a bunch of flowers we’d bought from the gift shop in the hospital. Even though there were baby clothes and accessories there, I couldn’t bring myself to even pick them up, let alone buy them. ‘Oh, she’s so cute.’ I smiled, but there was no joy in it.
Tucking my hair behind my ears, I leaned in over the clear plastic cot at the side of Kerry’s bed. Nestled on a yellow blanket was the most beautiful baby I think I’d ever seen. She had huge blue eyes and a fine down of blonde hair.
‘I know I’m biased.’ Kerry laughed. ‘But she’s pretty drop-dead gorgeous.’
‘Congratulations,’ Karl said, hovering behind me, as if unsure what to do with himself.
Tears stung my eyes but I blinked them away. ‘She’s beautiful.’
Don’t cry. Congratulate them and mean it. Be genuinely happy. It will project positive vibes back to you.
‘So how are you feeling?’ I asked Kerry, who looked exhausted but on a happy high.
She glanced down at her beautiful baby with a glowing smile that radiated pure love. ‘I’m a bit sore, but she’s worth it.’
A huge golf ball-sized lump formed in my throat but I forced it down as I reached out and put my little finger in the baby’s tiny fist. With amazing strength, she squeezed back hard. Then she burped.
We all burst out laughing.
‘I see she takes after her dad already,’ Karl said.
‘More like her mum, I’d say.’ Mark grinned at Kerry and she tried to swipe him with her hand but he ducked out of the way.
‘You can pick her up if you want.’ Kerry glanced up at me nervously.
I looked at Karl for reassurance. I didn’t know if it would make it worse, holding her in my arms.
You can do this.
I tentatively reached out, making sure I supported her head, and picked her up. She was warm and cuddly, and smelt of the unsullied pureness of new baby. As I held her to my chest, kissing her forehead gently, I felt like I was about to crack into a million pieces.
The Power of Life
The next few weeks passed by in such a rush I didn’t have time to think much, which was definitely a good thing. I had clients coming out of my ears, booked solid because I was going to take it easy after the egg implant.
In between wanting to do a Mike Tyson impression and punch the shit out of people, or bawling my eyes out and wanting to hug everyone, I went to the hospital for various blood tests.
The night before my first scan, the phone rang off the hook with people wishing me luck.
First it was Dad. ‘Hi, love. Just ringing to wish you lots of luck for tomorrow.’
‘It’s only a scan, don’t worry. I’m sure everything will be fine,’ I said with more confidence than I actually felt.
Yeah, right. ‘Tell her thanks.’
‘Make sure you let me know how you get on, OK?’
‘Will do. Love you.’
‘Love you, too, sweetheart. Your mum would be proud of you, you know. You’ve turned into a wonderful woman,’ he said, emotion filtering through his voice.
‘Oh, Dad. Don’t make me cry again! It doesn’t take much these days.’ I wiped my eyes, wishing Mum was still here to give me some moral support.
‘Oh, sorry, pumpkin. OK, I’ll get off the phone now.’
Then it was Poppy. ‘I’m sending you positive vibes, Gina. And I’ve sent a message to the Universe to help you. I’ve got a good feeling about this.’
I smiled to myself. ‘Thanks. Did your scans go OK? I mean, I’ve had them before and I know they’re not painful, but was everything going according to plan when you had your first scans after the down regulation drugs?’ I couldn’t stop worrying. What if I had a cyst? What if the drugs hadn’t worked?
‘Yes, everything was always going well at that stage. They’ll probably tell you to start the injections next to stimulate your ovaries.’
‘OK. Thanks for everything, Poppy. All the support you’ve given me, well…I don’t know what I would’ve done without you.’
She chuckled. ‘You’re very welcome. Good luck.’
Then it was Amelia. ‘Do you want me to come with you?’
‘No, it’s OK, but thanks for the offer. Karl’s got to work, but it’s not like he can do much at this stage, anyway.’ I’d dealt with most of the other tests on my own. It wasn’t like this was a biggie.
Unless they find a cyst or some other complication.
They won’t. Shut up!
‘Well ring me tomorrow and let me know what happens,’ she said.
‘I will.’
