Baby Trap

by Hodge, Sibel

  Celebrate what you have. Don’t grieve for what you never had. Don’t sacrifice living.

  I could hear Karl bashing around downstairs making me breakfast in bed, which would probably be a bowl of organic porridge.

  ‘Da da,’ he said five minutes later as he swung into the bedroom balancing a tray.

  I pushed the duvet back and sat up. ‘Wow.’ I looked at a bowl of fresh fruit salad, topped with kiwi and blueberries, and a single red rose stuffed into a pint glass. ‘What an effort you’ve gone to,’ I exclaimed.

  ‘You thought it would be porridge, didn’t you?’ He smirked at me.

  ‘No!’ I grinned, stroking his arm. ‘It’s lovely.’ I took a mouthful. OK, so I actually hated blueberries, but it was the thought that counted.

  ‘Wait there, I’m going to get your pressie.’ He stomped back downstairs and returned a few minutes later.

  ‘Ooh, I wonder what this can be.’ I took the present from his outstretched hand and unwrapped it. ‘Ah, perfume. What a nice surprise, thanks.’ I smirked at him. ‘So you’re not having a secret affair with Britney, then?

  ‘Well, actually I am, but seeing as she’s out of town today I thought I’d take my gorgeous wife out for a birthday lunch instead.’ He kissed me softly on the cheek and perched on the edge of the bed, looking very proud of himself. ‘And actually, that’s not the surprise. You’ll have to wait until later to find out.’ He glanced at his watch. ‘I’ve got that important breakfast meeting with Clive, so I’ll be back a bit later.’

  ‘When was the last time we went out for lunch?’ I said wistfully.

  ‘Too long ago.’

  I reached up and traced his cheek with my fingertip. ‘What did I do to deserve you?’

  He took hold of my fingers and slid them through his, pressing them against his cheek. ‘Despite all the stress we’ve been through in the last couple of years, I love you more today than I did before. I’m so proud of you. The way you go for what you want. The way you never give up on things. You’re an amazing woman.’

  Now that did bring tears to my eyes again. What was wrong with me? I was turning into a blubber machine. ‘I’ve been a horrible nightmare!’

  He chuckled. ‘Well, yes, that, too, but that’s understandable.’

  ‘Well, I…I need to talk to you about something, actually.’

  He pressed a finger to my lips. ‘I need to talk to you, too, but I have to go. We’ll do it at lunch.’ He kissed me goodbye, and I made sure I ate every last blueberry.

  *****

  We went to a quiet little country pub with wooden beams, low ceilings, and little snug areas to sit. It was just right.

  I shrugged off my coat and rubbed my hands together in front of the log fire crackling away next to our table. ‘We really should to do this more often.’

  ‘From now on, we will.’ Karl ginned and studied his menu. ‘What are you having?’

  My eyes wandered to the specials board. ‘Mmm, they’ve got mussels in garlic sauce. That’s what I’m having.’

  ‘Are they organic?’ He raised an enquiring eyebrow.

  ‘Listen…I’ve been thinking…’ I changed the subject.

  ‘Oh no, I hate it when you think,’ he butted in, chuckling.

  ‘Ha ha. Do you want to hear it or not?’ I gazed at him over the rim of my wine glass.

  ‘Let me go and order first and then tell me.’ He took himself and his menu off to the bar.

  I picked at my thumbnail, waiting for him to return.

  ‘Right. What were you thinking?’ He sat down and looked at me with interest.

  ‘Well, lately I think we’ve been stuck in a rut. I feel like I’ve been on this big stressed-out rollercoaster for years over this fertility stuff, and it just seems like we’re drifting apart because of it. We both haven’t been happy lately, and I need to find something else to concentrate on now that…’

  He nodded. ‘I know.’

  ‘And…’

  He reached out and put his hand in mine. ‘And, what?’

  ‘And we need to find each other again. I’m bored with our life. I’ve been unsociable, ratty, grumpy, upset. I want to get the old me back, but at the same time I can’t go back to the old me.’ I leaned forward and tried to gauge what he was thinking. ‘I need to find myself again.’

  He looked shocked. ‘Are you bored with me?’ He looked around the room to see if anyone was listening.

  ‘No!’ I replied instantly. ‘No, I just…I just want something more out of life if I can’t have a baby. I’ve finally got to the point where enough is enough.’ I gripped his hand. ‘I want to–’

  ‘Oh, my God! Are you trying to say you want to split up?’ he whispered. ‘I mean, I know I probably haven’t been as sensitive and supportive about this whole business as I should have been. I know you’ve been really down about it, but…’ He ran a hand through his hair, looking worried.

  ‘No,’ I insisted. ‘I don’t want to split up,’ I whispered back. ‘I want to travel round Australia. With you.’

  ‘You had me worried there for a minute.’ He reached for my hand and smiled. ‘And it’s so strange because I’ve been sort of thinking about the same thing myself. You do need something else to focus on. But I was thinking more about getting a tortoise.’

  ‘A tortoise!’ I blustered.

  He frowned. ‘What’s wrong with that?’

  ‘I’m afraid a tortoise just isn’t going to do it for me. I have to do something extreme. I need an adventure. Something spontaneous where we can have fun and experience possibilities we didn’t even know about. I’ve been researching it on the Internet. We could rent out the house to pay for it, get a couple of flights, and just go where the mood takes us. No pressure. No calendars to follow. Get our life back somewhere where there are no reminders about babies.’ I paused, glancing down at my fingernail that I’d chewed to oblivion. ‘It just feels like the right thing to do. It feels like I need to do it. We need to do it. I want to live in the moment again and appreciate what we have.’

  ‘Oh.’ He looked gobsmacked. ‘Wow. That’s definitely extreme,’ he finally said.

  ‘Not really.’ I shook my head.

  Then he started laughing, eyeing me with a twinkle.

  ‘What?’ I said. ‘Why are you laughing?’

  ‘Do you really think I didn’t know what you were up to? Every time I walked in the room and you were on the Internet, you’d pretend you were looking at something else.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘One day I came in and you closed down a tab, and when I looked over your shoulder you were staring, seemingly fascinated by a website about photocopiers.’

  I sat back, trying to remember. ‘Was I?’

  He nodded. ‘And Amelia told Dan, who didn’t know it was a secret, and he told me about what you wanted to do.’

  I drained the last of my fruity red wine for courage and swallowed. ‘So, what do you think? I know you’d have to give up your job, and I know they’ve been pushing you hard lately about sales figures and you’ve been getting pissed off with it, anyway, so maybe this is the perfect time for a career change. And if we really liked it out there, maybe we could stay. Get a working visa. Maybe you’d end up with an even better job. Apparently, they’ve got a lack of telecommunications bods out there. And–’

  He put his hand up to silence my babbling. Then he reached for his pint of beer and took a long, slow sip.

  Oh, shit. He was going to say no. He was going to tell me he hated that idea. That I was being ridiculous. Impulsive. That all the hormone drugs had fried my brain. And what if he did say no? This was something I really needed to do. Would we split up because he didn’t want to come with me?

  He put his drink down and reached into his jacket pocket.

  I peered over, trying to get a glimpse at what he was doing.

  Then he handed me two passports.

  I took them, my eyebrows questioning his face.

  He nodded at the pa
ssports. ‘Look inside.’

  I opened them up and flicked through them. Inside were twelve month visas for us to visit Australia.

  My jaw pinged open. It didn’t quite hit the floor, but it was close. ‘Wow!’

  ‘The tortoise was just a wind up to throw you off the scent.’ He threw his head back and roared with laughter, then clutched his chest and doubled up, howling. Then he nodded at the passports. ‘That’s your birthday surprise. I think it’s a great idea. It could be just what we need after everything that’s happened. I don’t relish the thought of staying here when I’d just be reminded about the fact I can’t be a dad every day. We do need a fresh start somewhere totally different.’

  I jumped up and launched myself onto his lap, much to the amusement of the waitress, who was bringing over our food. ‘We’re going to Australia! We’re going to Australia,’ I squealed. As the waitress put the plates on the table I told her, ‘We’re going to Australia!’

  She looked at me like I was slightly nuts and nodded. ‘Sounds wonderful.’

  ‘Can we have a bottle of red wine, please?’ Karl asked her.

  ‘Would you like the house red or something else?’ She tilted her head.

  Karl looked a me. ‘Actually, make it a bottle of Moët champagne. This is a celebration, after all.’

  ‘So…’ I jumped off his lap and sat down, picking at my food, ‘where shall we fly to? Sydney, Adelaide, Perth?’ I waved my fork around with animation.

  Karl tucked into his steak. ‘Sydney sounds good.’

  ‘I can ring the estate agent and get them round so we can rent out the house.’ I forked a soft mussel into my mouth.

  ‘My breakfast meeting this morning with Clive was about handing in my notice.’ He put his fork down and finished off his beer.

  ‘Oh!’ I looked up. ‘Well, you don’t mess around, either. What did he say?’

  ‘He doesn’t want me to go. He offered me a huge package to stay, actually.’ He paused for a minute to take a bite of steak. ‘And then he tells me that they’re looking into setting up a sister company in Australia next year, and would I go over and head up the new division in Sydney,’ he said, looking pretty pleased with himself. ‘That would give us plenty of time to travel around and do exactly what we want before we have to get back into a routine again.’

  My hands flew to my mouth. ‘Agh! Really? That’s fantastic. I mean, I knew they were thinking about expanding to America, but Australia, too? Wow!’ I thought about what Suzanne had said about projecting stuff out to the Universe and trusting that what you want will happen. Maybe Zelda had got her wires crossed, and instead of picking up my messages about babies, she was giving me the opportunity of Australia instead. Didn’t Suzanne say if it’s meant to be, it will happen? So my purpose in life wasn’t to be a mother. Instead, it was something beckoning me in Australia. All the pieces were beginning to fit together so perfectly it had to be right.

  ‘Yep. It is, isn’t it? He looked pretty pleased with himself as the waitress brought over the champagne.

  ‘Would you like me to open it, or do you want to do the honours?’ She looked at Karl.

  Karl reached for the bottle. ‘I’ll do it.’ He popped the cork perfectly, without spilling a drop, and poured out two glasses for us. He passed one to me and held his up in front of him. ‘To new beginnings.’ He gazed at me intently.

  ‘To new beginnings.’ I clinked his glass with mine, falling in love with him all over again for the second time that day.

  We chatted excitedly over more champers about all the places we could visit and adventures we could have. For the first time in what felt like a lifetime, I savoured the feeling of being relaxed and happy. This is what living in the moment was all about. As we stood up to leave, Karl whispered in my ear. ‘We haven’t made love in a long time.’

  I giggled, the champers had gone to my head ages ago. ‘Huh? We’ve had so much sex I’m surprised you haven’t had to have a replacement willy,’ I whispered back, grabbing onto his shoulder to stop me swaying.

  ‘Exactly. We’ve been having sex. We haven’t been making love.’

  I nuzzled into his neck. ‘So what are we waiting for? Let’s go home and make love.’

  As soon as we got home, our clothes were off and we were in the bedroom, but this time we were enjoying exploring each other’s bodies again as if it were the first time. There were no rushed moves to just get it over with. No contortionist positions. No invasive thoughts, wondering if this would be the time I got pregnant. Just our bodies in tune with each other as we moved to our own rhythm, staring in each other’s eyes, with the sound of the rain outside, delicately tapping on the window.

  Thanks Zelda!

  The next four weeks flew by in a daze. I didn’t have time to stop and think about whether we were crazy for doing this, or whether things would work out. There was so much to organize to keep me occupied. A guy who Karl worked with wanted to rent our house fully furnished, so all we needed to do was store our personal belongings. We’d bought our one-way tickets to Sydney, and we had a hotel booked for just two nights. Whatever happened after that was anybody’s guess. I figured Zelda would send me a sign, anyway.

  As I boxed up the last of our belongings, I looked around the house that had been my home for five years, but I didn’t feel sad. I felt excited. Yes, I was also going to miss everyone like crazy, but I knew in my heart we were doing the right thing.

  Karl came home from work as I was in the bathroom, going through a cupboard that hadn’t been cleared out in a long time so I could get rid of all the junk before we rented the house. I pulled out a stray pregnancy test that had fallen to the back.

  ‘Well, I won’t need that anymore,’ I said, staring at it. And for once, I didn’t have a gut-wrenching pain in me. Don’t get me wrong, I was sad. I did have a hole there, but it was getting easier to deal with. I wasn’t going to let it consume me anymore. Every second of every day, time was healing my ache.

  ‘I’ll throw it away, shall I?’ Karl said, rubbing my shoulder.

  ‘Yep. Throw it…’ And then I had a weird thought. Hang on a sec, when was my last period? With all that had been going on I’d completely forgotten about it. I tilted my head, tapping my lips. I hadn’t had one since after the IVF, which was seven weeks before.

  ‘What?’ Karl said.

  I swung around to face him. ‘I haven’t had my period.’

  ‘Maybe the IVF messed up your cycle, and you’re going to be late this month.’

  I nodded, not daring to even think of the other possibility. ‘You’re right. Throw it.’ I handed it to him and he wandered off downstairs to chuck it away.

  ‘Wait!’ I called over the banister to him. ‘Maybe I should use it.’

  His face crumpled. ‘Gina…you’re probably just late.’

  ‘I know, I know, but…what if?’

  ‘Are you sure you want to do this?’ The pained expression on his face told me he knew it would only be a setback for me if it was negative.

  No, I wasn’t sure. I hadn’t felt sick. My boobs weren’t aching. I poked them, just in case. Nope, definitely not sore. I would only be torturing myself but…what if I was?

  ‘I’m sure.’ I nodded, biting my lip.

  He walked back upstairs and handed it over, then he backed out the door and wandered into the bedroom. ‘I can’t look.’

  I took it with shaky hands, unpeeling the wrapper quickly before I could change my mind. This was a ridiculous idea. Of course I wasn’t pregnant.

  You’re just late, that’s all. You’re going to Australia, you can’t be pregnant, I thought as I peed on the gazillionth test of my life.

  I placed the stick on the edge of the bath, knowing it was going to be negative.

  You’re just using up the last one. Might as well use it, rather than chuck it away. A final farewell to all things pregnancy related.

  I carried on clearing out the cupboard so I wouldn’t look at it. Old, crusty makeup, a very tatter
ed face cloth, a nailbrush with half the bristles missing. Why had I kept this stuff?

  As I leaned back to put them in a pile on the floor my gaze caught the result box on the test.

  ‘Agh!’ I croaked, suddenly losing the use of my legs and dropping to the floor in a crumpled heap.

  ‘Oh, God,’ Karl’s voice drifted from the bedroom. ‘I knew you shouldn’t have done it. ‘Don’t worry, babe. We’re going to Australia. New beginnings, remember? You just have to concentrate on that.’ He appeared at the bathroom door.

  I waved the stick around, my mouth flapping open and closed like a goldfish.

  ‘We’ll get through this.’ He sat on the floor next to me.

  ‘Look!’ I shoved the stick in his face.

  Two lines. Two strong blue lines.

  I was pregnant.

  Karl looked from the test to me, and back to the test again. ‘Does that really mean what I think it means?

  I nodded, momentarily losing my power of speech.

  He pulled me up, jumping up and down with me. ‘I’m going to be a dad!’

  I threw my arms around his neck. ‘I’m going to be a mum!’ I grinned so wide I was surprised my teeth didn’t fall out.

  ‘Wow!’

  ‘Double wow!’

  ‘This is unbelievable,’ he said, then suddenly stopped jumping. ‘What about Australia?’

  ‘Yes! What about Australia?’ I thought about it for a minute, my mind a whirlwind of excitement. ‘I think we should still go. Why not take each day as it comes for a while? We can still travel round for a few months and just see what happens. I think living in the moment will be calming for the baby.’ I rubbed my stomach, wondering if he or she could hear us. ‘The way I see it, we’ve got two choices. We can go to Oz like we planned, and if it’s meant to be, you’ll head up Carl’s new company there after we’ve had a fabulous time travelling. If it’s not meant to be, then we will have had the best extended holiday of our lives, and it’ll give us the chance to relax after the last couple of stressful years. What do you think?’