Lust & Leverage

by Kaye Blue

  It had been my idea, and I had thought it was a really good plan. But with every word he’d spoken, the ache in my chest got sharper and sharper until I worried I wouldn’t be able to breath. I was dangerously close to panicking and who knew what would happen then? I needed to stay calm, though with each second that passed, I was inching closer and closer to the edge.

  “What loan?” I asked, my voice shaky.

  Alex scoffed. “What loan?” he said mockingly, the smirk on his face making me want to scratch his eyes out.

  “Is there an echo in here?” I muttered bitterly.

  At my lame retort, Alex laughed. And not a chuckle, a smirk, but a full belly laugh like he’d heard the funniest joke.

  Like I was the funniest joke.

  If I’d felt low before, I was subterranean now. But, as quickly as it had begun, his laugh was over.

  “Over the last several years, I’ve taken an interest in community banking,” he said.

  “Am I supposed to give a shit?” I shot back.

  “Yes. I’ve bought several, including First Community.”

  At his words, I thought my knees would buckle, and the icy dread that had been building began to creep down my spine.

  “Unlike your father, I’m very hands-on in my businesses, so imagine my surprise when I found that my bank had made a five hundred thousand dollar loan to a company called Marshall & Sons,” he said.

  It couldn’t be true. My mind fought for any way to make it not true, but none revealed itself. Alex could have been bluffing, but then how would he know about the loan when no one else did?

  “So my father took out a loan, what’s the big deal?” I asked, surprised I could even voice the lie, not that I thought it was convincing.

  Alex smiled. “It wouldn’t be a big deal if Myles had taken out the loan, but he didn’t, did he, Mia? It was you, and I’d bet every cent of my considerable fortune that your father doesn’t know about it.”

  I rolled my eyes and shook my head, making my disgust clear. “Whatever, Alex,” I said, the words coming out strong, my voice angry.

  But my heart was pounding a rapid beat that made me feel dizzy. I felt like the walls were closing in on me, which was exactly as Alex intended. I wouldn’t give in, not that easily, but I knew I was in trouble.

  “Is that all you have to say?” he asked. Then he continued without waiting for me to respond. “Then let me finish my story. You can tell me where I’m wrong.”

  I wanted to flip him off, but I just stood there.

  “Did he get into debt? Screw up for a big client?” Alex asked. “I guess the why doesn’t matter, but whatever the reason, you took out the loan. For a while there, it was working out too. I’m not sure how you managed to make the payments without him noticing, but you did a good job, at least for a while. But then you slipped up and missed a payment.”

  “Missed a payment! I was three days late once!” I exclaimed.

  It didn’t take a full second for me to realize my mistake, and I didn’t need Alex’s triumphant smirk either, not that he spared me.

  I wanted to sink through the floor or run the hell out of here, do anything to end this, but there was nowhere I could go. I’d given up any advantage I had, and I knew Alex wouldn’t let that slide.

  “Only three days, huh?” he asked, his head tilted as he stared at me.

  I dropped my gaze, needing a moment to gather myself, knowing there was nothing I could do. How could I have been so stupid? I didn’t know, but there was no way around that now.

  “Yes,” I whispered. But I lifted my head and met his eyes again, refusing to be cowed, or any more cowed than I already was.

  He shrugged. “Your contract gives a two-day grace period. So you’ve violated your agreement. I could call the loan right now. Would you have the money to pay it?” he asked.

  He knew I didn’t just as well as I did.

  “Didn’t think so,” he said, confirming what I already knew.

  “Get to the point,” I finally said, choking the words out around my anger and sadness.

  “Sure,” Alex said lightly, like he was doing me a favor. “You’re fucked, and you know it. One word from me and that business, your father’s, legacy is gone. And what will that do to the town?”

  He asked the question knowing full well the answer, and when I looked at him, I could hardly believe the man who stood across from me was the same one I had known, the one I had loved.

  I also couldn’t believe, or rather, wouldn’t accept that he had me in this position. That I had allowed things to get so out of control despite how hard I’d tried. I couldn’t accept, wouldn’t accept it.

  “Even if it’s true—”

  “It’s true,” he interjected.

  “Even if it’s true,” I continued, unwilling to be deterred, “why would you do something like that? Hurt those innocent people because of some old grudge?”

  I heard the sincerity in my own voice, the desperation, and suspected that Alex did too, though he didn’t react. Instead he shrugged, again nonchalant in a way that set my teeth on edge.

  “What have any of those people ever done for me? What do I care if all of them end up out on the street?” he said.

  There was an ugliness in his voice, a near hatred that upset me, but underneath that I could hear his pain.

  I knew better than most how tough things had been for him, but this…

  “You don’t owe them anything, but why would you hurt them?”

  “That’s the wrong question, Mia,” he said.

  “What’s the right one?”

  “The right one is why wouldn’t I.”

  The way he looked at me told me what he thought the answer was, but I spoke it anyway.

  “You don’t care anything about them. You’re just using them as leverage to get what you want from me,” I said, my stomach sinking with the realization that had been plain for me to see, the further realization that there was no way out.

  “Correct,” he confirmed.

  “But why me?” I asked, groping for an answer or at the very least some time.

  I held my hands out, gesturing toward my body, my confusion hopefully apparent. I’d always been a little shy and uncomfortable with my looks and my weight, but as I’d grown up, I’d gotten past that. I accepted me for who I was, and was happy with myself most days. But that aside, I couldn’t fathom why Alex would go through all of this simply to get back at me.

  I mean, I looked okay, but I certainly wasn’t in the league of women he was used to playing around with. And I couldn’t imagine some pressing desire for me that would make anyone else unsuitable.

  “My reasons are my own,” he said, not giving me any indication as to what he was thinking.

  “That’s it? You’re not going to give me an explanation?”

  “No. I don’t owe you one, and wouldn’t even if I did. What I’ve done is present your options. Make your decision.”

  I couldn’t help but imagine this was how he handled deals in his business, and as I stood there, the seconds ticking by, I felt lower and still even lower. Felt my lowest when I acknowledged that I was actually considering this proposition.

  What other choice did I have?

  And besides, would it really be so bad?

  He might not be the person I had once known and loved, but he was an undeniably handsome man, one that I was clearly attracted to, despite the fact that I was so pissed at him I could hardly see straight. He had some interest in me, and though his reasons might have been messed up, that didn’t change the bottom-line facts of this.

  “No,” I said.

  I had resumed my hold on the doorknob, but this time I used it, twisted the door open, and started to move without looking back.

  My body might want Alex, but there were lines I wouldn’t cross, things I wouldn’t do, things I didn’t want to face. As appealing as time with him might be, the prospect of spending more time with him, having to deal with the emotions that he stirred
was more than I could handle.

  Though I knew I didn’t have a leg to stand on, feared that I was making a mistake that would have repercussions for the people I cared about, I couldn’t make any other choice. Not if I expected to make it out unscathed.

  So, on shaky knees, I walked out of the office, my entire world upended.

  Five

  Alex

  *

  I stayed where I stood for long moments after Mia had left.

  That hadn’t exactly gone like I had expected.

  I’d tried to rid myself of expectations, reminded myself that whatever I had known of her before, the years that had passed had undoubtedly changed her, and I needed to be prepared for anything.

  And I had thought I was, at least until I had seen her again. One glimpse at her and the depth of my emotions, the anger, the desire, the feelings that only Mia could access almost overwhelmed me with their intensity.

  But they weren’t the only issues I had to contend with.

  There was the reality of Mia herself to consider, the fact that she was so much like she had been then, but that she had also changed.

  As much as I didn’t want it to, the way she had stood up to me, pushed back in her own unique way made me happy. She was responsible for her actions, and it was she who had broken me, tossed me away like so much garbage, but even knowing that didn’t take away the fact that I knew how people like her father, who was supposed to love and protect her, often didn’t.

  It should have made me happy; it was that lack of protection that had put her in her current predicament, after all, but I couldn’t ignore my resentment that people were still taking advantage of Mia, or my anger that after all these years she still let them. But seeing her finally stand up for herself was good.

  Of course, things between us could never be that uncomplicated, so in addition to those positive feelings, I had to deal with the roiling anger.

  Yes it had been years, but I couldn’t stop myself from thinking back to the past, wondering why she hadn’t been so direct then, so willing to stand up for me, put everything on the line. I hadn’t needed her to fight my battles, hadn’t wanted her to, but it would be a lie if I pretended her silence, and then her words hadn’t hurt me.

  They had then, but couldn’t anymore. And doing this was the right thing, I decided. I had spent so many years pretending, thinking that I had left Mia and that fucking town behind me, but these few minutes in her company had proven the lie of that. So this was good, me getting her out of my system like this. Once I did, maybe I would finally, fully, be free from my past, free from memories of what should have been and what could now never be.

  That was the hope anyway, though it seemed Mia wasn’t intent on making it easy.

  That didn’t surprise me. I hadn’t expected her to fall at my feet, so I was prepared to take the next steps. More than prepared, in fact. I was excited about them, eager for them.

  Mia making me work for it would make my ultimate victory that much sweeter.

  I hadn’t touched her, something that was a feat considering that every second in her presence had weakened my resolve. But there was anticipation, the feeling of the chase, the exuberance I knew I would feel when I finally had her.

  So this inconvenience was one that I was more than happy to endure. She would come to her senses, one way or another.

  I took a deep breath, tried to calm the raging hard-on that hadn’t relented a bit.

  That had been unexpected.

  I had spent a very long time making sure that I was in complete control of myself, and eventually, it hadn’t even been a challenge.

  But Mia wasn’t anyone else, and the thought of being that close to her, having her close enough to touch after all this time had left me completely on edge.

  I remembered her question, her incredulity, the wonder of why I would want her.

  It was a stupid question, and it had been on the tip of my tongue to tell her just that.

  I hadn’t, wouldn’t risk revealing anything like affection, or the depth of my desire for her. But the question was stupid. She didn’t see it, but I saw it. She thought of herself as average, nothing worth taking a second look at, but nothing could be further from the truth.

  I thought back to the countless encounters I’d had before with women who Mia would probably think were far more beautiful than her. None of them, not a single one, had ever managed to make me feel even a tenth of the passion, the emotion that she did from a simple conversation.

  That probably had more to do with me than them, but despite how I felt about her, how angry I was, I couldn’t deny Mia’s beauty.

  And, I was quickly coming to the realization that I had been fooling myself.

  I had gotten along all those years, certain that I was over her, that she didn’t matter. Had halfway convinced myself that it was true.

  It was total bullshit.

  All that had come before her were empty imitations.

  Only she would do.

  I sat behind my desk, forced myself to put my mind back on the work at hand.

  Only able to do so because I knew soon she would be mine.

  Six

  Mia

  *

  Hours later, I was no closer to understanding what had happened this morning than I had been when I had left Alex. I’d wandered the city, found a nice, quiet café to settle in and try to think.

  The effort had been anything but satisfying.

  Ordinarily, I would have lost myself in the surroundings, spent my time watching the people come and go, imagining what their lives must be like.

  But that wasn’t possible, not now, not after the meeting with him.

  Even now, my emotions were a complete jumble, my reactions to him as confusing as they were explosive.

  I was pissed-off, offended, vaguely disgusted that he would even suggest such a thing. Confused by it too. He hadn’t given me an answer as to why me, and I racked my brain trying to come up with one.

  Best I could figure, he was still angry with me for the way things had turned out.

  I didn’t blame him for that, but I didn’t understand the lengths to which he was going. It seemed so unnecessary. After all, he had definitely gotten the better end of the bargain. Freedom from a place he hated, the life he had always dreamed of.

  What did he have to be angry about?

  Too bad I couldn’t ask him that question and didn’t think he would give me an answer even if I did.

  Maybe there wasn’t an answer. Or maybe the answer was one I didn’t want to contemplate.

  For as long as I could remember, my father had told me that Alex was no good, that I was a fool to waste my time on him, that finally being rid of him was the best thing that had ever happened to me.

  We hadn’t spoken of him in years, but thinking back on those days made me near sick with rage, disgusted at my own weakness.

  Then, and maybe to some extent now, Alex had always been good to me, a wonderful person buried under a bad hand, and it was a shame that the others around us hadn’t been wise enough to open their eyes and see it, and not hold his background and his family against him.

  But they hadn’t been, and I’d found myself in the sometimes-lonely position of being his champion, a role that I had failed at. Maybe I had been wrong about him. What he had suggested, what he had threatened, was undeniable proof.

  Still, even as I thought the words, something inside wouldn’t allow me to accept them. Perhaps it was simply nostalgia for a time gone by, my unwillingness to believe that I could have been so wrong about someone’s character. I had no reason not to believe it after all. There could be no other explanation for what he wanted and what he was threatening.

  But even with all that logic, I couldn’t allow my mind to accept it, didn’t believe it.

  Couldn’t.

  Probably foolhardy on my part but I decided there was nothing to be gained in trying to figure out whether I believed it or not, trying to understand whether
Alex was good or not.

  In the end, that didn’t matter.

  What mattered was the real people whose lives might get caught up in whatever game this was. They were who I needed to think about, were the reasons I’d gotten myself into this situation at all.

  After a lonely dinner at a restaurant far too extravagant for me but one I’d decided to splurge on anyway, I made my way back to the hotel.

  I kicked out of my shoes, stripped off my suit, knowing that I would never look at it the same.

  I showered, washing off the day’s grime and hoping for some clarity under the warm water. None was to be found. And then, finally, I settled on the luxurious hotel bed and reached for my computer.

  My father didn’t know that I had my own set of the company’s books, just like he didn’t know about the loan. I stared at the screen as the computer booted up, knowing what I would find in those records but needing to look anyway.

  I opened the accounting software and reviewed the numbers I knew like the back of my hand, praying that there would be something different, something that would save me, help me save them.

  There wasn’t.

  We had enough to pay next month’s payroll, and that was it. I might be able to shuffle a few things around and come up with next month’s loan payment too, but that wasn’t guaranteed. And even that depended on my father not doing something reckless, which I knew I couldn’t bank on.

  Tears burned at the back of my eyes as I scrolled through the records, the reality that they contained something I couldn’t avoid.

  I’d worked at the company since I’d graduated from high school and had immediately known that something was wrong. Over the years, I’d managed to get things on a more even keel, though my father had fought me every step of the way. Still, I thought I’d finally gotten the business straight, thought that maybe all I had sacrificed had paid off.

  I’d been wrong.

  Without telling me, something he thought he had no reason to do, my father had changed suppliers, bought hundreds of thousands of dollars of worthless product, and pushed the company back to the brink of disaster.

  Even now, my lungs squeezed as I thought back to how angry I had been when I’d found out. I’d talked to him, tried to make him see reason, but to no avail. I’d been hopeless, helpless, but I’d refused to let the company go, not after all I had done to keep it.