Lust & Leverage

by Kaye Blue

  Still, where I had been at least content with my life before, now I was anything but. Each day felt like a chore, the energy it took to put on a happy face, pretend that I was my old self while I was hurting inside was almost too much to bear.

  Chelsea had immediately known something was wrong, but I’d simply asked her for some time and space to think about it, told her I would tell her when I was ready to talk.

  Good friend that she was she had accepted that, but I didn’t miss the way she looked at me, like she was concerned, like she wanted to help, intervene.

  But there was nothing she could do.

  There was nothing anyone could do. I had known that I was playing with fire, and I had done it, and I’d have to live with the consequences.

  At the very least, I wasn’t worried about what would happen to the business anymore.

  For those first couple of days I had been concerned, waiting for the phone call or letter to come, the one that told me that Alex was calling in his debt, twisted with worry about what would happen.

  But as the days had passed, I’d stopped. The letter hadn’t come, but even if it had, I’d made my peace with it.

  I knew the town would suffer, and I hurt for them, for my father, even though he pushed my buttons. But what had changed was that I could no longer bear responsibility for it. Some part of me felt like I was abandoning the people I cared about, but I also knew I couldn’t keep hiding behind that, not anymore.

  After Alex had gone, I’d searched for something to fill the void and the business and town had fit the bill. They had given me purpose, made it feel like I hadn’t hurt Alex, tossed away his love for nothing. I’d hidden behind them for years, pretending that my sacrifice was worth something, that the price I had paid was worth it.

  But I wouldn’t pretend anymore.

  If nothing else, it was time for me to start living my life for myself, and even though I had no idea what that meant, especially not with feelings I still had left for Alex, I was determined to try.

  The rest of the hours of the day passed as the ones before had, in something like a haze where I wasn’t exactly with it, not entirely paying attention.

  Long after everyone had left, I stayed in the office, squaring away paperwork.

  It was a mindless task, one that I usually hated, but I did it now, willing to do anything that might have some hope of distracting me.

  Finally, when I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open I decided to leave.

  I looked up, saw my father sitting across the desk from me, his expression one I was familiar with, somewhere between concerned and annoyed.

  “I was wondering how long it was going to take you to notice I was here,” he said.

  “How long did it take?” I asked.

  “Longer than it should have,” he responded.

  I stayed seated, waiting for the inevitable lecture that would follow.

  To my surprise, none came.

  Instead my father looked at me, seeming to study me.

  “What?” I asked, not necessarily intending the sharpness in my tone, but feeling stressed from him looking at me silently.

  “I’m sorry,” I said a second later, not wanting to disrespect him.

  “You look like you’ve got a lot on your mind. You want to tell me about it?” he asked.

  I was positively stunned. I couldn’t recall a time when my father had asked how I was doing, had actually seemed concerned about it. And honestly, I didn’t know how to react.

  “I’m fine,” I said, going to my automatic answer.

  “That’s obviously not true,” he said.

  “What are you talking about, Daddy?” I said, my weariness bleeding through in my voice.

  “You’ve been back for weeks now and dragging ass the whole time. What happened?” he asked.

  “Nothing,” I responded.

  He knew I was lying, but instead of calling me on it he said, “Mia, if you don’t want to be here, just tell me.”

  The little bit of patience I had snapped.

  “Is that it? You’re telling me I need to get my shit together or I’m going to be out?” I asked, nearly yelling.

  I glared at him, waiting for him to confirm, excited to have an outlet to release some of the feelings that I hadn’t been able to resolve.

  “What the hell has gotten into you?” he asked, looking at me questioningly.

  “Since when do you care?” I asked.

  He looked wounded at my words, but I was too far gone to hold them back.

  “You don’t give a crap about me. I don’t even know why you kept me around for all these years,” I said.

  “Because you’re my daughter,” he responded flatly.

  “And that’s the only reason, right? You certainly wouldn’t have anyone thinking Myles Marshall was anything but an upstanding father. Is that why you won’t ever talk about her?” I asked, stopping to examine his reaction.

  I had no doubt that he knew exactly who the “her” I was talking about was, but he didn’t respond.

  His silence only fueled my anger, and though some part of me was aware that I was simply taking out on him the feelings I couldn’t take out on Alex, I was too far gone to stop myself.

  “That’s probably it. Probably so embarrassed and ashamed because she left you. That’s all you care about. You don’t give a crap what it did to me,” I said.

  “So that’s what you think, huh? I don’t know what you so many years to say so.”

  I looked at him, incredulous, waiting for him to say something else.

  He didn’t.

  “I saw Alex while I was gone,” I said.

  At his instantaneous gall, I knew that I had taken the right approach.

  “I should have known he had something to do with whatever the hell has gotten into you. He never was any good,” he said.

  “And you never tried to help him,” I responded.

  “Help? I had my own problems to deal with, namely keeping my daughter away from the likes of him,” he said.

  I was so enraged that I could scarcely believe it. As mad as I was at Alex, to hear my father dismiss him so callously was something I couldn’t stand.

  “You know, you should be ashamed of yourself. You treated him like crap. Did it for years and for what reason? No reason!” I said, my voice rising. “He was a kid, one who needed help, and you had your head too far up your ass to see that.”

  “Watch your language, young lady,” he said, his voice turning to a warning.

  “You’re right,” I said, knowing there was no cause for me to swear. “I need to watch my language. But this has to be said.”

  “Then say what you think you need to. Not like there’s anything to be able to stop you,” my father said.

  I was even angrier now, knew that he probably thought I was having a tantrum or acting out. The frustration I felt at that realization made me want to do just that, but I tamped the impulse down, instead focused.

  “Do you know what Alex is doing now?” I asked.

  “Robbing liquor stores?” my father said.

  I scowled at him, shook my head.

  “No. He’s really rich.”

  “Drug dealer or something?” my father asked.

  “No. He’s an investor, and he’s taken interest in community banks,” I said.

  I studied my father for any hint of a reaction, but he simply snorted. “The only thing he would know about banks is how to rob them.”

  He chuckled, laughed like his joke was actually funny.

  “I’m glad you find that amusing, but you should be a little more worried than you are,” I said.

  “Why should I be worried about him?” my father asked.

  “Because I, in my infinite stupidity, took out a loan to save the business. But I defaulted and Alex owns the bank,” I said.

  “Why would you do a thing like that?” he said, incredulous.

  “I was trying to save us! Save this! Do you have any idea what I’v
e given up to keep this all afloat?”

  I was practically screaming now, and my father’s face was as stormy as the emotions crashing through me.

  “You’re so hardheaded, sticking your nose in where it doesn’t belong. Trying to save that boy, save me. I didn’t need you to save me, Mia,” he said.

  “You could have fooled me,” I shot back.

  His eyes flashed his anger, but he shook his head and continued. “You think I don’t know how tight things get? I do. You think I don’t know what’s at stake? Well I do. And if you’d just minded your own business, I could have found a way,” he said.

  “You really do believe that,” I whispered, seeing the resolve in his expression, the delusion.

  Seeing it shouldn’t have been a surprise, but it was. I didn’t know why, though. My father would never change, and I needed to accept that, would have saved myself a world of pain if I had. I wanted to scream, wanted to do something with the hurt and acceptance that realization caused, but it seemed like all the energy had been sapped from me.

  There was nothing left to scream about, nothing I could say that would change the past, make him someone he wasn’t. Make me someone I wasn’t.

  So instead of letting out all of those emotions, killing what was left of my relationship with my father, I circled the desk and leaned over to hug him. I held tight, hugged him even though I was angry at him, even though I might’ve been angry at him for years, even though he might have felt the same.

  “I’m sorry. I hope you don’t hate me, but I understand if you do. That doesn’t change anything for me. Sometimes you can be a real ass, but I still love you, Daddy, and I always will,” I said.

  With that, I left.

  Twenty-Nine

  Alex

  *

  I had sworn I would never come back to this town, would have staked my entire fortune on it.

  Yet here I was.

  As I drove the rented sedan down the main street, I was bombarded with memories.

  But, to my surprise, not all of them were bad.

  The ice cream parlor where Mia and I had shared my first banana split was still there.

  And as I went deeper into town I saw the park where I had discovered that I wasn’t a terrible athlete. I played baseball a couple of years, mostly because the rest of the boys my age had been so bad that the coach had needed someone to take up some of the slack. Still, those had been good times, fun times that I had all but forgotten.

  It seemed strange, but the place was smaller now, didn’t seem quite so menacing, quite so huge.

  It occurred to me that that was because I had always looked at the place through a child’s eyes. But I was an adult now, a man who had seen the world. In the grand scheme of things, this place only had the power that I gave it. And I decided that I was done giving it any.

  Feeling about ten pounds lighter, I made my way to Marshall & Sons. It was the middle of the day, so I figured Mia would be there.

  I considered waiting, but I had woken my pilot in the middle of the night, flown to the nearest airport, and then driven here nonstop. No, this couldn’t wait.

  When I turned into the place, I was again transported to the past, could remember how misplaced it had always seemed, so grand, so complex.

  When I looked at it now, I saw it for what it was. A tire recycling plant, one that employed a lot of people, but, like the town, in the grand scheme of things was neither menacing nor particularly special.

  Drove through the open chain-link fence and parked in front of the trailers that I assumed housed operations.

  Mia’s father had never allowed me on the grounds, and though Mia had given information about the business to get the loan, I hadn’t dug too deeply.

  Still, I had a sense of familiarity about the place that was simultaneously weird and comforting.

  “Can I help…?”

  I watched as Myles Marshall approached, his expression confused but also welcoming, him probably thinking that I was a potential new customer.

  I’d wondered if he would recognize me, but from the way his expression changed the instant I stepped out of the car, I knew he did.

  “Segal,” he said, spitting the word like it was an oath.

  “Myles,” I responded.

  He had been a little bit weathered with age, a little paunchier now than he had been all those years ago, but I still recognized him.

  He was still tall, stern looking and, his darker complexion and eyes so reminiscent of Mia’s.

  “What do you want?” he asked.

  “You’re not gonna threaten to call the sheriff and have me arrested for trespassing?” I asked.

  “Guess you can’t trespass if you own the property,” he said, sounding vaguely defeated.

  “So Mia told you?” I asked.

  I didn’t ask what else she had told him, but figured if she had even revealed a hint of what our actual arrangement had been, Marshall would be trying to rip my head off. He wouldn’t have been successful, but the man was so damn stubborn I knew he would try.

  “Yeah, she did. You come to call the note in, or you want to gloat a little bit first?” he asked.

  “Actually, I came to see Mia,” I said.

  “Too bad. She’s not here,” he responded.

  “Where is she?” I asked. Myles smiled, the low snorted-out chuckle that came out of his mouth reminding me of my youth. “You really think I’m going to tell you?”

  “Guess not. Have a nice day, Myles,” I said as I headed back to the car.

  “You don’t have anything else to say to me?” he asked.

  I had turned, but then stopped and looked back at Myles. For years I had imagined what I would say to him, how I would gloat, rub his face in my success and his smallness.

  Now, the urge wasn’t even there.

  “Just one thing,” I said.

  “And what’s that?” he asked, scowling.

  He would never know it, but Myles had helped make me the man I was, and as much as I used to hate him, didn’t exactly favor him now, he was responsible for Mia, and that meant everything.

  “Thank you,” I said.

  Then I got into the car and drove away.

  This time, I felt a hundred pounds lighter.

  Thirty

  Mia

  *

  I hadn’t bothered to call in to work today, but I figured it wasn’t necessary. My father probably knew quite well that there was no way I was going to be in. And, he probably didn’t care.

  I didn’t care either.

  I knew I was making a mess of things, but I didn’t seem to be able to stop myself.

  That time with Alex had forced me to reevaluate everything, and I knew I had to make a change.

  Alex hated this town, but as difficult as it could be, I cared about it.

  But still, it was time for me to go. I needed to make my way out of here, try to find myself away from this place, away from all the memories.

  I didn’t know how that would look, how to even make it happen, but I needed to try.

  I hadn’t even told Chelsea what I had decided, but would later, once I had a better idea of what was going to happen. But in the meantime I decided to start to go through some of my things.

  I moved into this house when I turned twenty, rented it from the family of a neighbor who had gone to senior living, and then purchased it after she passed away.

  It had a lot of years of stuff accumulated, most of which I decided I didn’t want to take with me on this new adventure.

  I started with my ceramics, remembering each one, agonizing over which to keep and which to discard.

  Spent the first several hours of my morning that way, marveling that I had acquired this much fragile kitchenware over the years.

  When the doorbell rang I looked at my watch and realized that it was approaching lunchtime.

  Chelsea must have decided to stop by to see why I hadn’t been at work.

  “It’s open,” I called.

/>   Another habit of small-town life. I locked my doors at night, but kept them open most of the day, as did many of the other residents.

  “Is it safe to leave your door open like that?”

  At the sound of his voice, I almost dropped the glass I was holding, managed to rescue it at the very last minute.

  I waited a moment, took a deep breath, another, and then finally turned.

  It was Alex, looking as handsome as ever, as though I had conjured him out of a dream.

  Which had to be what this was. Because the only other explanation was that Alex was here in town, and in my home, and I knew that wasn’t possible.

  Still, I decided to go with it.

  “One of the benefits of living in a small town,” I said.

  When I finished I put my mug on the cabinet, not wanting to risk breaking it again.

  “I guess that would be a benefit,” he said.

  I said nothing, simply stood there, waiting.

  “Bet you’re wondering what I’m doing here?” he asked.

  “You would be mistaken. I’m long past wondering or trying to understand things that people do, Alex. Even myself. But you want me to ask, so I’ll ask,” I said. “Why are you here? Did you come to tell me you’re calling in the note? Come to gloat as the business is sold on Main Street?” I asked.

  He looked at me, smiled a humorless smile.

  “I guess I understand why you’d think that,” he said. Then he looked around. “Isn’t this Mrs. Johnson’s place?”

  For a moment the speed of the shift in conversation left me slightly off balance, but I quickly regained my equilibrium.

  “Yeah, but she passed away, so I was able to buy it at a good price,” I said.

  “I like it. It looks homey,” he said.

  I had no doubt that he was referring back to our conversation about how sterile his penthouse had been, but I didn’t allow myself to dwell on that.

  “Alex, I’m certain you’re not here to talk about small-town real estate. What do you want?” I asked.

  My voice was unyielding, and I knew I couldn’t let it be anything but, not if I was ever going to start the process of getting over him.

  “I came to apologize,” he said.