by Brenda Ford
“I have to go,” I tell her rapidly, terror screaming through my body as I do. “I need to get out of here.”
She tugs herself away from Alex and follows me as I blast myself into the cold, fresh air. I’m hoping that being away from four walls tightly closing me in will help me to get these horrible thoughts of mine in order, but I’m still a God damn mess. I want to scream and yell, and cry all at the same time.
“I’m sorry,” Annie yells after me, halting me in my tracks. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“What did you think was going to happen?” I’m more angry at myself than Annie but I can’t tell myself off. “Did you think that an ambush was going to end up with smiles instead of tears? Because I have to tell you that’s very naïve. I don’t even know if I want to see James again, never mind like this. It’s all wrong.” I throw my hands in the air in frustration. “It’s the wrong environment. Too steamy and romantic, not quite…”
“Oh God.” I can tell by the look on Annie’s face that I have given too much away. “Sorry, Rue.”
“It’s just weird with James, that’s all. It always has been.” I step closer to her. “I can’t be around him, you know? It’s too much. He’s… I can’t explain it, Annie, but there has always been something different about him.”
“He could be the one, Rue, that’s what I keep thinking. That you could be meant to be.”
“You sound like you’re on his side.” I let out a strange laugh type sound, so she knows I don’t mean it as harshly as it sounds. “But if we were meant to be then it wouldn’t be so difficult, would it? Look at you and Alex. It has always been simple and straight forward. That’s ‘meant to be’ isn’t it? Not complicated and drama filled.”
“Not every love story is the same.” Annie reaches out and takes my hand. She squeezes my fingers reassuringly. “Not everyone goes through the same routine. Everyone is different. And James isn’t a bad guy. Not that I’m on his side, but he is a good person. He deserves to know, doesn’t he? You know that as well as I do. That him and Sierra deserve to know about one another. You need to start that conversation.”
She steps away from me and glances behind her to find Alex. Of course, he’s there waiting for her to be ready for him, there’s nowhere else in the world that he could be. His world is Annie, and he is hers. It really is the sort of dream that I want for myself, but without that spark which it seems that only James can give me, I can’t get it.
And now I have to destroy that spark forever by telling James that I am a liar, that I ran away and hid his child from him. That’s pretty much the worst thing that I could do to him, isn’t it? He will hate me.
But as Annie reminded me, this isn’t just about James, is it? It’s Sierra. She needs this. I grew up in a complicated way, being rejected by my mother and living with my father, and that affected me in a bad way. But at least I always knew who my parents were. If I want to do the best for my child, then I should try my best. Oh sorry, Sierra, you don’t know your father because it was too awkward for me to talk to him. No, that doesn’t exactly sound great, does it? She will look at me like I’m weak and pathetic. Not good enough.
I suck in a deep breath and start to walk back towards the bar. It’s going to be utterly humiliating to head back in there after I freaked out like that, but it’s what I need to do. I just hope that James is still open to talk to me.
“Rue!” But it turns out that I don’t need to go back in because he’s outside, waiting for me a bit like Alex was for Annie. Not that it makes it the same situation. Although it is nice… “Rue, sorry, I just want to…”
“No, don’t worry I need to talk to you as well.” I glance around, instantly knowing that I can’t do it here. “Are you going home now? Can I walk you back? We can talk somewhere a bit more private.”
“I should be walking you home…” He stops as soon as he sees how badly I stiffen up. “But if you don’t want me to know where you’re staying that’s fine. You can walk me home and I’ll get you a cab from there.”
I want to tell him that it isn’t me not wanting him to know where I live, but I can’t, can I? Not until he knows the truth. I hope he thinks that is more to do with my mother than me, what with the divorce and everything.
“Okay.” I nod slowly. “Let’s get going. Let’s… start walking now.”
It’s kinda strange walking back towards the apartment that I used to live in, at least for a little while. I wonder if it still looks the same as it did when I left, or if lots has changed. I wonder if other women have been there…
No, I shake my head hard to rid my brain of that thought. It doesn’t matter even if he has, I’m not here for that.
Even though I’m not talking to James with the hope of falling back in love with him, I can’t help the bitter snake of jealousy that courses through my body. It would be a million times better if I could not think about his love life, or sex life, at all in the last couple of years, but now that the idea is in my head, I can’t stop.
“So, are you okay now?” James asks me softly as we walk. “Sorry, it got a bit crazy in the bar.”
“I just got a bit claustrophobic,” I half lie… it was getting that way in there. “I needed to be outside. I do feel a whole lot better now.” Aside from my racing heart, the fact that I can barely get any air in to my lungs, and my head hurts with everything that needs to come. But aside from that, I’m wonderful. “I’m good…”
“Okay, well if you aren’t, I’m here and you can talk to me about anything.”
Of course, those words shut me right down and send me in to silence. There is so much that I need to say but how the hell can I get those words out? How can I tell him about the child that we share? There isn’t a handbook for this, no guide for breaking this news. I don’t know what to say and where to begin. If I can get the first words out, then I might be able to get through the rest of it, but it’s those first words that are causing me issues.
Soon, we’re at his apartment, much too quickly actually. I would have preferred for this journey to be a longer one to give me time to think, but it’s too late to slow my steps down.
“So, we’re here.” James gives me an awkward shrug. “We’re in a private space.”
“I know.” I suck in a couple of breaths while my brain screams at me to just get started already. “I know and I just need to… sorry.” I feel like an idiot. A deep blush must be filling my cheeks by now, probably making me look like a damn tomato. “Sorry, I just need to get started. I just need to… to find the right words.”
“Do you want to come inside?” James sees me struggling and offers me a solution. Not one that gets me out of saying what I need to say, but good enough. “Have a glass of water or something?”
“Yes, please.” I nod and gulp, crumbling as I do. “Thank you. That’s lovely, James.”
That will give me time, a couple more minutes. I just need that to get my head in order. Then I can get the words out there. And I will. I will.
Chapter Thirty-Five
James
She needs to say something to me, I can see it in her eyes, and it’s something very important. Something that clearly means a lot to Rue. I have a feeling that her words will affect the future of me and her since all of this comes so close to the kiss, which all makes it utterly impossible to hold it together. To not push her to tell me already, but as I hand her the glass of ice cold water, I bite down on my bottom lip to keep those words inside.
Just wait, I warn myself. Don’t send her running for the hills again. The fighting did that before…
“I…” She starts before she glugs down some more water desperately. “I… I… oh God… I don’t know…”
I brace myself, preparing to hear whatever it’s going to be. Whether it be the best news in the world or the worst, I will handle it somehow. Even if it will shred away all of the good memories that we’ve shared here, memories so precious to me that I haven’t ever invited another woman in to the place. B
ut I will survive.
Then she completely blows my mind, she shreds the air from my entire body by not saying a damn thing at all. She leans up on to her tip toes, she hooks her hand around the back of my neck, and she tugs me towards her for a kiss. This kiss is even more intense than the one at the bar. There is a million percent more passion between us. Her tongue massages mine and my hands automatically cup her waist to pull the length of her body against mine. I enjoy feeling every inch of her as we kiss, it takes me back to where we were when things were amazing.
You shouldn’t be doing this, I scold myself. Even if this does feel good. Because she has something to say…
But I also can’t turn her down because she’s always captivated me. I have been fascinated by her since the moment I first met her, so the fact that she wants me again is too much for me to handle. I just want her. So much so that my cock springs to attention the moment she creates tingles in my lips, which bolts through my body.
I will find out what she wanted to say later, I convince myself instead. It will be fine. We can talk whenever.
The kiss deepens and soon her mouth moves off mine, to my neck instead. She kisses and licks me there with such passion, even sucking to leave a mark as if she wants to claim a piece of me for herself. I shouldn’t want any woman to leave a permanent mark on my body because I don’t get attached, but of course this is Rue and it’s different. Even if she is going to leave me again, she always owns a small bit of me. She always has done.
My hands travel up her body and I cup her breasts. Even through the material of her dress I can tell that she has no bra on which leaves my thumbs free to brush over her rock hard nipples. They are standing to attention for me, begging me to focus on them, and all I want to do is follow the commands of Rue’s body. It’s been forever since I got to touch Rue anywhere and I need to savor every damn inch of her.
I slip her dress down, glad that the thin spaghetti straps fall away easily, drawing my lips towards those nipples of hers. I take the left one between my lips and use my tongue to drive her wild. Rue’s head falls back and I spot her eyes sliding closed while her fingers knot up in my hair. Just like she used to, two years ago, she pulls at the strands of my hair every time it feels good and she groans loudly, which floods me with confidence. This time it goes even further though. Each pull drags a wildness out of me, it unleashes the animalistic desire that I only feel for her. I adore unraveling her, pulling her apart, and watching her contort in sheer bliss.
“James,” she whispers in a rasping, ragged voice. “Oh God, James, this is too much…”
But I’m not done with her. Not yet. I want it to be even more for her, so I slide her dress all the way down, growling as my eyes fall all over her stunning naked silky flesh. She really is the best looking woman I have ever known, and that isn’t just because I was in love with her… or am still in love with her. Who the hell knows? I’m not trying to work out the depth of my emotions right now, I want to have a good time.
Once Rue is only in her panties, I slip my fingers into the lacy material and caress her soaking wet folds. Stroking her slit makes her mew like a pussy cat, the sounds growing louder as I circle her clit. I am enraptured by Rue’s face as I stroke her most sensitive nub, I love her falling apart in pleasure. My life has been missing this woman, this need, the connection. I just wish that now I have her back in my arms, I can find a way to keep her there… not that I’m allowing my intense feelings for this woman get in the way of this magical moment.
“Feel me,” she begs. “I want your fingers inside of me, James. I remember how good it feels.”
Fucking hell, now she’s asking me to do things to her. It’s my turn to be weak at the fucking knees. Rue is remembering just what it used to be like way back then, but she’s a little different too. More confident, more demanding, she’s a fucking sex goddess, the hottest version of herself that I have ever known her to be.
I plunge my fingers deep in to her wetness, loving the way that Rue bucks her hips to drive me further in to her. She’s so hungry for me, her body needs me so badly, that she’s willing to make that happen. Seeing her take control of her own pleasure is wonderful. I want more of that, so much more.
“I need to hold you,” she whispers as her fingers try to tug my trousers apart. “I love your cock, James.”
She’s trembling too badly to deal with my zipper, so I use my free hand to do that for her. It’s a relief when my steel rod falls into her fingers because it’s been trapped and locked away for too long. It needs freedom.
“Oh God,” Rue moans like she is in agony. “You are huge. I forgot how big you are.”
“Fuck.” Those delicious words send a shiver down my spine. “Rue, you are something else!”
Sensations erupt within me as she begins to stroke my cock at the same pace my fingers fuck her. I’m thrilled with the heady, dizzy sensations that nearly knock me to the ground. The only thing that worries me is her pushing me to the edge too quickly. I absolutely need to be buried deep inside of her. Just like the good old days.
“I want you,” I groan, being as honest and verbal with her as she is with me. “I’ve missed your body, Rue.”
“Do you have protection? We need protection. We can’t do this without it…” she demands harshly.
I’m not going to question what this means, because she’s clearly being cautious with her body these days since we are no longer in a committed relationship. I’m just grateful that I do, or this would be a damn mess.
“I do.” I pull the condom that I always carry around in my pocket just in case, free. “Here.”
Rue’s eyes connect with mine, as she tears the condom free from its wrapper and she rolls it down over my length. There is something about her desperate touch which nearly tips me over the edge to the abyss of pleasure. A bliss so pure it will consume the rest of my life, nothing else will be quite like it. Just like there isn’t anyone like this beautiful woman who has completely blown me away. Especially when she’s all raw and messy with her hair all over the place, her eyes wild with lust… she’s stunning and I would do anything to have her back in my life, full time. I can’t keep pushing my feelings to one side. I want her forever, I still love her, I never stopped, and that isn’t going to go anywhere in the throes of passion. If anything, it will only get stronger.
“Take me,” Rue whispers, while leaping up into my arms, light as a feather. “I want you, James Roberts.”
As she wraps her legs tightly around me, I slide inside of her, my cock knowing exactly where it needs to be, and immediately I know that I’m home. This is it, where I need to be. Rue pulls me in tight, her walls clamping me in deep until I can practically see stars spinning at the speed of light around my head. I should never have let her go, I should have followed her to England, ignoring her letter, this never should have ended.
Rue controls the pace of the thrusts for a while, until I slam her up against the wall, needing some leverage. At that moment, I can feel the pressure of pleasure stiffening up her body, driving her too far. Rue’s lips crash against mine so that I swallow up the loud screams that vibrate in her chest and explode from her throat into mine. It’s impossible for me to keep control of my own bliss when her body seems so determined to coax the orgasm from me, so it isn’t long until I follow suit, succumbing to the waves of pleasure as they shatter me.
“Oh fuck.” I’m so happy. As I erupt like a volcano deep inside of her, I’m the happiest that I have ever been. “Rue, you are… oh, Rue, Rue…” I repeat her name over and over like it’s a prayer.” Rue, I…”
Thank God I just about manage to stop myself from telling her that I still love her in the heat of the moment, because almost the moment I let her fall to her feet on the floor, her whole body language stiffens up and the atmosphere takes on an icy coldness. There is no post orgasmic bliss, seemingly only regret.
“I have to go.” Rue pulls her clothes back on in a mad rush. “I need to get out of here.”
>
“No, Rue, stay,” I beg. “Don’t leave. There was something that you wanted to talk about, right? Stay and we can get a drink. Talk about whatever you want. I don’t want you to leave again, don’t run out.”
I can already tell that I’m not going to win this when she won’t meet my eyes and I don’t know why. She started this, she instigated the first move, she is really fucking confusing me right now.
“I need to get home. I have people waiting for me. People who need me.”
People who need her? Who can that be? Mary, I suppose, if she isn’t doing so good. But I really don’t want that woman to get in the way of me and Rue once more. We already went down that road and it didn’t end well.
“Please, Rue, just hear me out,” I beg. “Just give me five minutes.”
“I’m sorry.” She slides away from me before I can think of anything to make her stay. “I have to go, James. I’m sorry.”
Fucking hell, here I am, alone again. Why does it always have to end like this?
Chapter Thirty-Six
Rue
“I don’t know if I am going to like this place,” Mom complains as I take her inside the new Italian place that has opened near her home. “Why are you bringing me somewhere new? It could be awful.”
“Because, Mom.” It takes every inch of my self control for me not to roll my eyes. “It’s your birthday and we are celebrating. Yes, you might not like this place, but you may love it. And it’s right by your home, so why not give it a try?” I don’t think anything is getting through. “We discussed this at your place anyway.”
“If it’s my birthday, I should get to choose. Plus, it isn’t like I have the money for meals out anyway.”
Oh God, here we go again. Mom really has no idea what it means to be broke. Truly broke. She genuinely has no idea what money issues are. I have seen how much money she got in the divorce and she is just fine.
