by Brenda Ford
“Mom, come on, this is my treat and you know it. Can we please just try and enjoy it. Sierra would love it.”
Sierra has become my key. Ever since Mom baby sat last week, she has become really maternal towards my daughter. It has given her a bond that she didn’t even have with me. It’s surprisingly nice. I’m starting to let myself believe that maybe she can completely turn herself around and change as I want her to.
“Okay, fine.” She leans into the pram and smiles at my girl. “We can have a nice time for sure.”
I knew that her birthday was going to be hard from her because all I have heard is how Benjamin used to throw her big parties or take her out for fancy dinners, and the gifts would be something else. I don’t want to remind her that she is the one who threw all of that away. So, instead I brought her here for a nice night. It won’t be anything like what she was used to before, I don’t have Robert’s money, nor would I ever need to, but it stops her being in and obsessing over the man who she isn’t ever going to get back.
I have tried to let her know that this is a good thing really because it gives her the time to be single, to really get to know herself which clearly she needs, but I think that advice fell on deaf ears as well. Much as that’s irritating, there is only so much that I can do to help her. Mom needs to help herself as well. I have gone above and beyond considering the state of our relationship up until this year, so I have a clear conscience.
I can hear the grumbles continuing even as we’re taken over to our table, but I close my ears to her and rise above it. I’m not going to allow her mood to affect the way that I feel. I’m going to have fun.
“This is a nice table,” I say to the waitress. “Thank you very much.”
I get Sierra out of her pram and sit her in the high chair provided while Mom tells the poor young girl that it’s her birthday. I’m hoping the waitress doesn’t hear the derision in my mother’s tone.
“Oh, I will go and get the owner over to wish you a happy birthday.” She beams. “Since he is new to the area, he wants to get to know all the customers, especially the ones who have come here to celebrate.”
“So, this is his first time running a restaurant then?” Mom gives me a disapproving glare, like it’s a bad thing for it to be the poor owner’s first shot at making it work. “What makes him think that he can make a success?”
“Oh no, he is very successful as it is. He has a chain of these restaurants all over the country.”
“He does?” That makes Mom’s eyes light up in a way that I don’t like. “Please, bring him over.”
“Mom, don’t,” I hiss angrily. “I can see what you are thinking. Please don’t.”
“I’m sure I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about,” she replies with mock innocence.
“You do, and this really isn’t the time for you to be looking for a new man. We talked about this, didn’t we? About you being single to sort yourself out. To have some time just living your life…”
“I don’t need sorting out and I know exactly who I am.” She smirks at me. “Let me enjoy my birthday.”
I can practically smell the money as Antonio comes to introduce himself to my mother. He’s a handsome Italian man who looks a little older than my mom and is wearing everything expensive. Mom becomes like a different person, completely animated and charming around him, drawing him in by the moment. As she learns within seconds that the man is a widower, with no woman on the scene because he’s currently married to his job, but more than ready to settle down somewhere if the right person comes around, I see the side of my mother which I haven’t ever before. The man trap who can get whatever she wants with ease. No wonder she has found herself with a man always. Maybe I would have become someone similar if I had grown up with her.
Urgh, no I hope not. I hate that idea. I’m glad that I lived with my dad. He’s the opposite, I still can’t work out how they ended up together ever, even for a short time, but he’s made sure that I’m not materialistic. Sierra won’t be either. My mother… well, it’s too late for me to do anything about her. This is clearly what makes her happy so I should just lean back and leave her to it. If this is what she wants, then it isn’t up to me.
I roll my eyes in irritation as I stare at my mother sitting at the bar with Antonio, laughing at his jokes told in a thick Italian accent, and touching his arm as often as she can to let him know that she’s interested. I think he gets it by now! This was supposed to be a nice family meal with all of us and I have hardly seen her. She has been with him all night long, flirting her little ass off. At least she’s smiling, I suppose.
But I am done now. We finished eating ages ago and I have even paid the bill. I’ve been hanging around for Mom to finish up, but now I’m starting to think that she intends to stay until after closing hours, securing her place as Antonio’s next wife, ignoring my advice completely.
“Come on, Sierra,” I say to my baby girl as she starts to look a little sleepy. “Let’s get you home.”
I rise up from my seat and walk over to Mom. Even from here I feel awkward because there is so much chemistry between them, it feels like I might be interrupting something huge, but I force myself to do it anyway. It could be fake as far as I know, something orchestrated by Mom to make him fall in love with her… not that I’m sure it can be faked really, and it wasn’t ever this way with Benjamin that I noticed, but still. I need to talk.
“We’re going to get going, Mom. I need to get Sierra to bed. She’s about to fall asleep in the push chair.”
“No, stay!” Mom throws her arms around me, showing me that she’s either drunk or showing off. “Get to know Antonio with me. He is the most fascinating man. He was just telling me all about Venice.”
I smile thinly at Antonio, trying to silently communicate with him that he isn’t the issue here, I’m not leaving because of him, but I also don’t want to stick around and be an awkward third wheel. I have enough issues of my own in the romance department, I don’t want to add anyone else’s.
“I’m sure I will be able to hear about that another day.” I peel myself away from her, needing some space before I lose my damn mind. “For now, I need to get going, okay? I have things to do.”
“Okay, fine, just don’t worry about waiting up for me, okay? Just like I didn’t for you.”
The way that she winks at me, freaks me out a little. She was asleep when I finally crept in after sleeping with James, wasn’t she? I didn’t make enough noise to wake her up… unless she never fell asleep in the first place. I don’t want to give myself away, but I can’t stop a bright red blush from completely consuming my cheeks. The heat rises all the way through my body as I dread Mom knowing what I was up to. Sure, I’m an adult and I can do what the hell I want, but I don’t know if there will ever be a time when she is happy for me and James.
Not that there is a me and James, of course. I made damn sure of that by running out on him like a crazy person rather than just telling him the truth. But I panicked and kissed him instead, causing one thing to lead to another, then the timing didn’t feel right afterwards. After sex announcing that he was a father just felt all weird. I suppose looking back at it now, that was just another excuse. Another way to put off the inevitable. I also haven’t contacted him since to see if I can meet him again and speak with him, because like always I make it awkward and I become a wimp because of that. One day I’m going to have to get my act together, this is just silly.
But I don’t want to worry about that now, not while I have Sierra to worry about. So, I spend a few moments getting her settled down before I wave at Mom and Antonio, knowing that we will all see each other again at some point when my mother gets an alarming need for pasta and pizza every night, and I walk outside. It’s later than I anticipated, the sky is darker, and the air a little cooler, which also means that I will be faced with people who are out drinking and enjoying their night out. Not that this bothers me, but I would rather not.
Still, at le
ast I don’t have too far to go. I don’t need to worry about the outside world for too long.
As I walk, I wonder what Antonio will be like for my mother, since it seems like he is already under her charms, and how she will treat him as well. She does seem very connected to him, I can picture that chemistry as real which is pretty nice if I’m not being fooled as well, so maybe it will be different and there won’t be any cheating this time around. Or perhaps I’m just getting a little carried away with myself here…
“Rue?” I’m stopped in my tracks by an all too familiar voice. I can’t believe that this is happening again, another ambush, although hopefully this one hasn’t been arranged by Annie. I think that she might have learned her lesson from the last time. I don’t think that she would do it to Sierra anyway… “Is that you?”
Oh God. Sierra. The moment has come. I’m going to have to face him with her, he’s going to work out everything that’s going on, this isn’t the way I wanted that to happen at all… but it’s too late now. Damn my excuses and my cowardice. Well, I can’t take any of that back now.
“James,” I say anxiously as I slowly turn. “What are you doing here?”
Chapter Thirty-Seven
James
My eyes dart up and down, in between Rue and the little girl in the push chair in front of her. My mind desperately tries to work out what I might be seeing here, what sort of explanation there could be for this, because of all the things that I was expecting to see in the world, this isn’t it. Rue and a baby… I don’t get it.
She could belong to someone else; I tell myself unconvincingly. Maybe Rue is babysitting.
But of course, I can’t really believe that because the child looks exactly like Rue, she is basically a mini me of her. If I combine that with the fact that Rue ran out on me after we slept together stating that someone needed her… well, it all makes a whole lot of sense doesn’t it? The jigsaw pieces all fit right together.
“I… I…” I glance back at Noah and Leo who are deep in conversation. Or at least pretending to be so they don’t have to see the scene that is spreading out in front of them. “I was just out with some friends…”
“Yeah, I see.” Her cheeks flame bright red as she nods slowly. “Well, I was just out with my mother. It’s her birthday and I thought that it might be nice to have a meal. Of course, she took that as a chance to find another man which is incredibly annoying…” She trails off as she recalls who she’s talking to. “Sorry…”
“No, it’s fine.” I shrug. “That’s to be expected, isn’t it? Mary won’t stay single for long.”
Those words are little bitter bile in my mouth because they remind me of what my father said. He basically tarred Rue with the same brush as Mary, which I didn’t want to believe but now I’m not so sure what to think. The fact that she’s standing in front of me with a baby that I didn’t know anything about is too strange for words.
“I know, but it still sucks.” She shrugs her shoulders. “The whole situation is pretty messed up.”
I stuff my hands in my pockets feeling incredibly awkward. All I want to do is turn and run the hell away. I wanted to reconnect with Rue again, that’s why I went along with Annie’s insane plan, and now I realize that was crazy. We can’t fall back to where we were two years ago because evidently lots has happened in the last couple of years. Rue must have had other very serious relationships. One of which she might be in right now. Even if the guy in waiting for her in England, she shouldn’t have had sex with me. Too many feelings could get hurt.
“Well, I better…” She points off into the distance as if she is about to make her escape. For a second, I consider letting her because I don’t know if there is anything that I want to know from her about all of this, but at the very last second, I stretch across and grab her arm to hold her in place. I know I need to know.
“Are we not going to discuss the elephant in the room?” I demand. “Because I think that we should.”
“I don’t…” She shakes all over, becoming increasingly terrified by the moment. I probably shouldn’t have gone in so hard on her because that isn’t my intention. “I don’t think that this is the time or place to discuss it.”
She’s probably right, this really isn’t ideal, but she has been keeping lots from me and if I allow her to slip away right now, she could leave the country and I will remain with a million questions all over again. It was the questions that made it so hard before, the not knowing what I had done wrong.
“It isn’t, you’re right.” My eyes hit the floor. “I just want to apologize. We shouldn’t have fallen back into old habits when you clearly have your own situation going on. With the baby and your boyfriend… that sort of thing. I have always seemed to make your life really complicated and it’s happened again.”
Those words hurt me a lot. Saying them stings every part of me, but it’s the right thing to do. I have to gracefully bow out and let her be with whoever makes her happy. I thought that we shared something magical, but perhaps that’s all it was. A moment in time, a chapter in our story, a short burst of happiness.
“It isn’t like that,” she tries to defend herself quickly. “I need to explain. You need to give me a chance to explain.” Her eyes drink in the whole situation around us. “But now isn’t the time or place. Like I said before. It isn’t supposed to be like this. Can we meet? Not now, but some other time. We can talk…”
Do I really want to stand around and listen to her talking about her new man? Her new life? I don’t think so. I shake my head and back away, wondering if I will ever see Rue again. This right here could be the last time that I ever lay eyes on her. I want to savor this, to really look at her so I never forget her, but it’s a little bit like staring into the sun. She’s impossible to keep in my eyes because I can’t touch her, I can’t hold her, and I will get burned.
“No, I don’t think so. It might be time for me to go. My friends are waiting for me, and… well, it doesn’t seem to work out when we talk, does it? It might be time to put all of the talking to bed already.”
I’m babbling, I just know it. I wish that I could stop to say something smart instead, just in case this is the very last time that me and her say anything. I don’t want her to remember me like this.
“Wait, we should… we should…” she calls after me, but I turn and walk off. I can’t let her see me fall apart like this. I don’t want Rue to know how deeply invested I still am in her because it’s embarrassing. If she has moved on in such a rapid way, then I need her to believe that I can move on as well. And one day I will.
“Come on.” I grab Noah’s arm and pull him towards me. “Let’s get out of here.”
“Wait, what? You aren’t staying around to talk?” he demands. “I thought that you and Rue had…”
“Me and Rue have nothing,” I shoot back firmly. “Clearly, she has something with someone else. Didn’t you see the push chair in front of her? She has a whole new life and I can’t be a part of it.”
I think that I might have actually stunned Noah in to silence which is a first. He normally has something to say about everything, this subject in particular, so it has to be really bad, doesn’t it? Even worse than I’m thinking it is right now. It might even be one of those horrible messes that continues to wash over me in agonizing waves over the next few weeks and months until I can’t take it any longer.
“Where are we going?” Leo finally asks, making me stop in my tracks. “James, I think that we need to talk about this. What happened back there? What was said? You seem really freaked out about everything.”
“I don’t…” Fuck, my voice is getting choked up with emotion. “I don’t know.”
Noah wraps his arms around me and pulls me in for a hug. I fall against him but don’t let my tears fall however much they want to. Instead I just soak up his comfort as much as I can. At least I know I’m not alone.
“What do you want to do now?” Noah asks me. “Do you want to go home or stay out?”
I don’t want to be anywhere alone. I can’t trust myself to be okay if I don’t have my friends around me.
“Stay out,” I declare firmly. “I can’t go home. Not after that. It’s just too much…”
“No worries. We’ll stay out. But if we’re going to do that then I want you to eat something. I haven’t seen you eat anything all night long and if you’re going to continue then I don’t want you to throw up.”
I don’t want to eat, I just want to block this out with booze, but I don’t have the energy to fight so I let Noah take me in to the nearest pizza place for food. I’m barely able to see anything around me as we take our seats because the emotion is getting to me now. More and more by the moment. I’m really scared that I will burst in to sobbing life ruining tears showing everyone that I’m falling apart because I’m in love with Rue.
“James!” Oh God, this has to be a joke. I cannot be hearing that voice right now. “James, is that you?”
I swing around in my chair to see her. Mary. My father’s ex wife, with an Italian guy smiling behind her. This must be the birthday meal that Rue was talking about where she found another man to fool around with.
“Mary.” My voice is monotone and cold. “Good to see you. How are things with you?”
“Er, I’m good.” God is that sympathy in her face. “How are you? You look a bit of a mess.”
“Don’t beat around the bush.” I roll my eyes. “I’m doing good, thank you.”
“Have you seen anything of Rue since she has been back?”
“You’re asking me if I have seen Rue?” I demand, unable to keep the pure unbridled rage from my voice. Now I have someone to take my spite out on because she forcibly kept us apart for no good reason. “After all the trouble that you caused us? You really think that’s a good thing to start discussing now?”
