Thoughts of Julia, of wanting to assure himself that she was well, propelled him downstairs in his borrowed clothes. The sun was up and it was mid-morning of what promised to be a glorious May day. Voices floated out of the breakfast room, Julia’s among them, chatting and laughing with his brothers, and Beth was joining in the light banter around the table. It was an easy sound, a comfortable sound, one that made Paine smile.
Julia had the seat across from the door. She spied him immediately, a brilliant smile lighting her face upon seeing him. ‘Paine, you’re awake.’
He could have basked in the sun of that smile all day. Paine couldn’t recall the last time a woman had smiled at him with such genuine warmth that had nothing to do with wanting something from him.
‘How are you feeling?’ Peyton was all concern from the head of the table.
‘Quite well,’ Paine assured him, suddenly feeling awkward in his brother’s presence. He had much to reckon with in regards to the family and Peyton. He fought the urge to shift from foot to foot like an errant schoolboy called on the carpet instead of a thirty-two-year-old man with a self-made fortune. Paine turned from Peyton and busied himself at the sideboard, filling a plate with the traditional breakfast offerings that had adorned the Earl of Dursley’s sideboard since he could remember. There was a quiet joy in lading his plate with sausages and eggs and a stack of buttered toast—the comfort foods of his boyhood.
He took the seat across from Julia, feeling conspicuous. The happy chatter he’d heard coming down the stairs had faded away, replaced with silence while they waited for him to be seated.
Paine unfolded the square of linen next to his plate. Perhaps the reckoning would come now at breakfast. He rather hoped not. He’d prefer to explain things in private with Peyton. He didn’t relish the idea of being called to the carpet in front of Julia. He’d come to like the idea of being her knight in shining armour, a hero instead of the dark rake.
Having to explain the last twelve years to Peyton in front of her would tarnish his image. A year ago, he wouldn’t have cared what someone thought of him. But in the time they’d been together, it had suddenly come to matter very much what Julia thought.
‘It will be a fine day,’ Peyton began, drawing everyone’s attention easily, falling back on the faithful topic of any English conversation. ‘The weather is perfect for taking Julia out and showing her the estate.’
‘I’ll have Cook pack a hamper if you like, Paine. You can pick strawberries. They’re in full fruit right now,’ Beth suggested eagerly.
Julia beamed at the idea. ‘I’d love to see everything,’ she exclaimed excitedly and then sobered. ‘But it can wait. I don’t want to take you away from your brothers. There must be a lot to talk about.’ She meant it kindly. Paine knew she had no idea just how much there was to talk about.
Peyton was quick to assure her. ‘There will be time to talk later.’
Paine felt a flicker of anger lick at his conscience. He could make his own decisions. He wasn’t the baby brother any longer. He didn’t need Peyton’s permission to show Julia around.
He tamped down his temper, disappointed that the old kernel of his discontent was still there, so readily accessed at the smallest provocation. He’d come home to keep Julia safe. He knew the choice would mean making amends and explanations. He could not let himself be angered so easily or Peyton wouldn’t see him as a changed man, a man who knew the world.
‘Then, we’ll go,’ Paine offered with a tight smile, but he felt Julia’s eyes linger on him as if she could see the turmoil beneath his seemingly easy acquiescence.
Dursley Park was easily several times larger than her uncle’s modest estate. Julia marvelled at the sheer vastness of the parkland, the immense stretches of green, manicured lawn reaching up to the woods that bordered the southern flank of the house. Paine told her the woods were full of bridle trails leading out to various follies. There would time to explore those later. Today, they were headed to the west side and the grain fields that beckoned with an undulating golden wave in the light breeze.
Paine drove them about in a plain pony cart pulled by a cob, the sleeves of his linen shirt rolled up past his elbows, the steady, slow pace manageable with one hand on the reins. He was jacketless and the shirt was open at the throat. He exuded a natural male beauty in his simple attire. Julia thought she could stare at him for ever. She might have continued casting covert glimpses at him from under the brim of a borrowed straw riding bonnet if he hadn’t caught her.
‘What is it, Julia? You’re staring.’
‘I was thinking how you look today reminds me of the first night I saw you. You had your sleeves rolled up then, too,’ she stammered, embarrassed at being caught in her perusal.
‘A whole week ago,’ Paine said wryly.
‘A lot has happened since then,’ Julia replied, struggling to keep her gaze fixed forwards. She was reluctant to talk of the business between them on such a lovely day, but it seemed dishonest not to acknowledge it. ‘I never meant for it to come to this,’ she said quietly. It had to be said. The guilt of it all was too much to bear silently.
She felt Paine’s eyes on her. ‘How much have you told Peyton?’
Julia shook her head. ‘Hardly anything. I wasn’t sure what you wanted me to say. I thought you should be the one. I wasn’t sure…’ she faltered, repeating herself. She was entirely out of her depth here. She did not know the extent or quality of Paine’s relationship with his family. She had not meant to involve an earl in her plan or to even develop an association with Paine Ramsden that went beyond one night.
Paine pulled the cart over to the side of the path they’d followed and jumped down. ‘No more talk of such things. Today is for us.’ He came to her side of the cart and swung her down.
The easy grip of his hands at her waist felt welcome. She’d missed his touch while he’d slept. She’d missed his presence. Of course, she couldn’t tell him that. This thing between them was strictly business. That he gave her pleasure, that he stirred longings in her, was not part of their agreement, merely a by-product. A shared by-product.
Mutual attraction might not be part of the contract, but it had developed. Julia took comfort in that. Whatever his emotional attachment to her was, she knew Paine desired her physically. When this was over, such knowledge would have to be consolation enough.
Paine’s hands stayed at her waist long after her feet found the ground. He pulled her to him, causing her head to arch back to look up at him. She revelled in the feel of his body, hard and muscular against hers. Without hesitation, he took a swift kiss, bending with expert precision to avoid the brim of her hat.
When he pulled back, he was all carefree boyish charm. ‘Where did you get such a contraption?’ He made a gesture towards her hat. ‘Tell me you didn’t pack it all the way down from London?’
‘No, it’s an old hat of your Cousin Beth’s. Do you like it?’ Julia did a pirouette.
‘Absolutely not. It’s awful, just awful!’ There was laughter in his voice. ‘Peyton needs to give Cousin Beth more pin money if she’s been reduced to such a travesty.’
Paine held out his hand. ‘Here, take my hand. I don’t trust you can see the path plainly with that thing on.’ He kept her hand gripped in his own. With his other hand he swept up the hamper and led the way to a shady spot. Julia was thankful for the strength of his hand. She would have tripped without him to steady her on several occasions. The terrain was uneven and awkward to traverse in Beth’s slightly too-long skirts and slightly too-big shoes. Still, Julia was grateful for Paine’s cousin’s generosity. Otherwise, she would have been tramping the countryside in a torn silk evening gown.
‘We’re here,’ Paine exclaimed at last, dropping the hamper and blanket.
Julia looked about her, trying to grasp what ‘here’ was.
‘Take a deep breath and just listen,’ Paine coaxed softly.
Julia did as instructed, the allure of the place becoming immediately appare
nt. The scent of summer wafted gently from the fields behind them, the sound of a nearby creek mixed with the errant chirps of meadow birds filled the air. She didn’t have to open her eyes to know it was summer.
‘We can pick strawberries later.’ Paine grinned and pointed to a patch. He spread the blanket. He sat down and began to tug off his boots.
‘What are you doing?’ Julia asked.
Paine chuckled. ‘Getting comfortable. Sit down, Julia. Take off your shoes. We can be ourselves.’
His good humour was infectious. Julia plopped down and took off her shoes. ‘I think your sutras would like this place. The site appeals to all the senses.’
‘You’re a quick learner.’ Paine said, stretching out beside her. ‘Although I think the sutras would prefer fine furnishings and music to our ragged blanket and chirping birds.’
‘I like our setting. It’s simple,’ Julia said, casting a coy glance sideways at Paine. She would have to store up all the images of him she could. She would have to share him with his brothers, and then with society, if their plan were to succeed. And that success would be the end of their association. She’d once thought it would be a facile trick to walk away from him. But she’d never dreamed a man like him existed.
Julia tossed her shoes aside and reached for her stockings. Paine’s hand stopped her before she could roll them down.
‘As I recall, you like to have me do this for you,’ Paine whispered huskily, his eyes glinting with mischief. His hands reached up beneath her skirts, skimming her hidden curls as he grasped the top of each stocking.
Julia bit her lip against the sensual play. She knew she was damp when he reached for the second stocking. It was embarrassing to note how wanton she was with him. ‘Paine…’she began uncertainly. ‘We’re outdoors.’
‘On the contrary, nature is the perfect place for this. The sutras suggest that male and female take inspiration from nature for inventing their own love-play,’ Paine whispered in his low, seductive tone. He pushed back an errant strand of hair from her face. ‘There are several positions named for animals: the mare, the elephant, the blow of the boar, sporting of the sparrow. The list is quite extensive.’
Julia blushed furiously. ‘You have the most scandalous conversation of anyone I’ve ever met.’
‘Hush, Julia.’ Paine rose up over her, turning his attention to her face. His hands crept to the bow that secured her hat. ‘We’ll have to get rid of this monstrosity.’ He untied the hat and tossed it aside. ‘It’s far too hard to kiss you with this thing on.’ He kissed her hard on the mouth, easing her gently back on to the blanket, his body covering her. ‘That’s known as the “kiss that kindles”.’ He nuzzled the side of her neck. ‘What shall we try today?’
Julia struggled a bit, pushing him away long enough to speak. ‘You don’t have to do this, Paine. You’ve held up your end of the bargain. I am thoroughly ruined. You don’t have to continue your instruction.’ Indeed, she didn’t want him to, not if that was all it was—lessons conducted much in the fashion that one might receive a piano lesson.
‘I thought you liked my “instruction”.’ Paine reared back slightly.
‘I do,’ Julia stammered. How could she explain she didn’t want to be the student, but a partner, an equal, without driving him away? Such an implication would send Paine fleeing, validating everything he believed about virginal débutantes and their obsessive goal to capture a husband.
‘I’m sorry. I was cow-handed in my approach a moment ago,’ Paine said, his gaze studying her, no doubt seeing more than she wanted him to see. ‘I want to do this and you want this, too.’
Julia felt her face burn, knowing he had not overlooked the effect of his hands on her legs, knowing he had proof that his actions had aroused her. She returned his gaze, seeing in his eyes the rise of his desire. It was enough to convince her he understood her dilemma. There was something else in his gaze, too, she couldn’t name—perhaps a desperation that had clawed its way to the surface. But she couldn’t imagine what a man like Paine Ramsden had to be desperate about. He bent over her, taking her mouth in a long, searching kiss, until her body gave him compliance.
He shouldn’t have done it, Paine thought ruefully. He lay on his back, one hand thrown over his eyes against the sun, on the blanket next to a dozing Julia. He told himself she’d been a willing participant in what had transpired on the blanket. But the argument was a weak one, only a technical justification at best. She was an innocent, untouched by any but him. He was experienced in the art of pleasure and arousal. He’d known he could easily coax her submission. He’d used her own body against her. In truth, she’d hardly had a choice.
It wasn’t that the coupling hadn’t been enjoyable for her. It was just that he had done it for the wrong reasons. He’d wanted her from the moment he’d seen her in the breakfast room and so he’d taken her with no regard for the uncertainties surrounding them.
Her requirements of him had been met. She was thoroughly ruined in both reality and circumstance. No well-bred young lady put herself in the hands of Paine Ramsden for a night, let alone an entire week spent in his company, a week that had her visiting gaming hells and making a mad dash across country unescorted. They had not spoken of continuing their sexual relationship beyond the confines of the agreement. There were many things they’d not talked about and should have. Their association was quickly spiralling far beyond the parameters of their original intent.
Certainly, acting as her self-appointed protector hadn’t been part of the deal or even discussed. Yet, the role had been implicitly affirmed. That was at the core of what bothered him. He had brought her here to Dursley Park for her own safety because it was the right thing to do.
He didn’t want Julia thinking that she had to pay for his favours, that his protection was bought only with the currency of sex or that she would suddenly find herself set adrift if she failed to comply with his wishes. His pride couldn’t bear such a notion. More importantly, his honour would not tolerate it. For a man believed by many to have very little honour, the thought was humbling.
Yet, he had perpetrated the act with utter carelessness, all in the name of selfish need. He’d even gone so far as to couch it in terms of ‘education’. Julia had seen right through that ruse, just as he’d immediately seen her reasons for refusing to accept it under the guise of such educational experience. She was not mentally or emotionally equipped to transmute their congress into simple terms of physical gratification and leave it at that. He was partly at fault. He’d not given her the tools to adjust her way of thinking. Instead, he’d prattled on about the Hindus seeing sex as a sacred expression of religion. Now, he was facing the consequences. Julia wanted him as more than a tutor in the sexual arts. Worse, he could not, should not, allow her to believe more was possible and yet he craved her.
He wanted her with a desire so intense he’d been willing to put all other considerations aside, pride and honour be damned, just to caress her body, to be inside her again, to feel the hot pulsing rush of his seed and know that the shuddering release of his climax would bring the exquisite peace he’d mysteriously found with her.
No matter how short lived that peace was.
He would need her again.
Already his coveted peace was slipping away. He’d expected it would. The eastern scholars he knew in India had taught that only true peace came from within. No one could give peace to another, at least not permanently. One had to find permanent peace from within oneself. They’d also taught him the key to such peace started with forgiveness of oneself. Paine often doubted he’d ever be able to do that. Julia’s purity was a stark reminder of how far he’d fallen.
He thought of the story he’d fabricated to explain Julia’s association with him—that her love had reformed him. It made a nice fantasy to ponder, starting with the bit about her falling in love with him. A gently bred girl like Julia would come to rue the day she fell in love with a man like him. She’d been very clear the night she’d
come to him about why she was there. He was the most immoral man she could think of, who would do what she asked, all because he lived by a different code she could not completely understand.
Still, she’d put her trust in him. She’d followed him to the country and she’d fought beside him on the road. She never doubted his ability to protect her and when she turned those green eyes on him, they were not full of calculation, proving she no longer thought of him as only a man to stand to stud. The thought gave him some hope and, in his experience, hope was a dangerous thing, especially for a desperate man.
Beside him, Julia stirred, her hair loose and warm from the sun. She was beautiful and he felt his body surge, wanting to take her again and lose himself in her. But he was a man of honour now, and he could not justify such selfishness again.
‘How long did I sleep?’ Julia asked, raising up on one arm.
‘Not that long. A half-hour,’ Paine said carelessly. He reached for the hamper. ‘Hungry?’
He waited until they’d finished off the picnic before bringing up the subject plaguing him. He smiled as Julia wiped her hands on a cloth napkin. Even outdoors with bare feet she had good manners. He’d known from the first she was a lady, a real lady.
‘Julia, we have to talk about our future,’ he began.
Julia looked up from folding her napkin, a small frown knitting her brow. ‘I thought we’d agreed not to talk about Oswalt today.’
Paine shook his head. ‘This is not about Oswalt. This is about us. You and me.’ He rushed on before she could break in or misunderstand him. ‘I must apologise for what happened on the blanket. We should have talked about this before anything like that happened. Our agreement has been fulfilled and I don’t want you to feel obligated to have sex with me as any further part of our relationship.’
Bronwyn Scott's Sexy Regency Bundle Page 45
