He headed back toward his room. “Promise.” Upon reaching the hall he paused, turned around, winked at her. “But that’s just for now. Later, I intend to be very, very naughty.”
Chapter Thirteen
January 17, 2004
“Well, kiddo, Big Sis is going to be late tonight. She’s got work to do. So, it’s just me, you and the Pirates of the Caribbean.” Mac held up the DVD.
“Cool!” Sara said excitedly. “What’s for dinner?”
“My famous tacos. How did it go with Cecily today?”
“All right, I guess.” Sara shrugged. “I started working on a painting with her.”
“You’ll bring it home when you’re finished?”
Sara nodded and looked out of the car window.
Mac sighed. Communicating with Sara had been touch and go during the past week. She would engage here and there, sometimes responsive, other times reverting back to old patterns, and shutting down completely.
He pulled into his parking space and cut the engine. “Any homework?”
“I’m supposed to write a paragraph about why I think we celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. Why do you think we celebrate it?”
Mac reached into the trunk and grabbed the bag of groceries he’d picked up earlier. Sara slid her backpack on. “There’s an exhibit this weekend about King and the two Kennedy brothers at the Museum of Photographic Arts. I was thinking about going Sunday. Want to come?”
They stepped into the elevator. “Do all social workers do that? Cecily does it all the time.”
“What?”
“She answers my questions with questions.”
Mac smiled. “I think Cecily and I both want you to reach your own conclusions about some things.”
Sara nodded.
As they walked down the hall, Mac reflected on how quickly and drastically his life had changed. It had been one week since Sara had arrived, five days since he had first been intimate with Jennifer. In that short period of time the three of them had fallen into a comfortable routine; Jennifer bringing Sara to school in the mornings, Mac picking her up in the afternoon. Somehow, in the space of a couple weeks, he and Jennifer had gone from being complete strangers to sharing meals, sharing a bed, sharing their lives. And he was happy, incredibly happy.
It was close to seven o’clock before they finished making and eating their tacos. Mac was placing the DVD into the player when the intercom buzzer sounded.
“Wonder if Jennifer forgot her keys?” He pressed the button to the intercom. “Hello?”
“Hey, Mac! Hope we’re not intruding. Jennifer said it was going to be a quiet night at home. Tom and I just came from dinner in Little Italy. We’ve brought some cannoli,” Rachel said.
“Come on up. I’ll make some coffee. We’re about to watch a movie.” Mac buzzed them in.
Within minutes Tom and Rachel were settled on the sofa, Sara between them. The opening scene started.
“Where’s Jennifer?” Rachel asked quietly, her eyes glued to the television.
Mac walked over and sat in a nearby chair. “I thought she was working with you,” he said, softly.
“With me?” Rachel looked at him, confusion clouding her face. “We both knocked off a little early today. I thought she said she had some errands to run.”
“I must have misunderstood.”
“Gotta admit, I’m surprised to see you back here. You don’t call, you don’t write. What’s it been, two years?” the brunette asked from behind the desk.
Jennifer paced back and forth within the confines of the office, picking up an odd object here and there. “Something like that.”
“So, what’s brought you back?” Arlene asked. “I’m happy to see you, don’t get me wrong. But usually when a patient calls me a bitch… Well, it’s a bad prognosis for forming a long-term therapeutic relationship.”
“You remember? I was kind of hoping you’d forgotten.” Jennifer blushed.
Arlene leaned back in her chair and tapped the side of her head. “Mind like a steel trap.”
“Well, if it’s any consolation, I think you may have been right.”
Arlene dramatically clutched at her chest. “Be still my heart!”
Jennifer smiled. “All right, are you through giving me a hard time? Are you willing to work with me here?”
“I’ve always been willing to work with you, Jennifer. I still am. Are you willing to work this time? As I recall, that’s where the breakdown was before. You were in a relationship, it was going from bad to worse and you wanted to save it but—”
“I didn’t think I had the time to do what you were asking. I didn’t see the point. I wanted a quick answer, a neat and tidy solution.”
“Did you find one?”
“Only the wrong ones.”
“And they’ve led you back here.”
“Yes.”
They sat in silence for several minutes before Jennifer spoke again. “My mother killed herself, recently. I have a sister. She’s nine.”
“I don’t remember you ever mentioning a sister.”
“She’s living with me now. And I have a… There’s this man… We’ve…” Jennifer felt herself blush.
“You’ve become lovers?”
“Yes.” She shifted uncomfortably in her chair. “Arlene, I want to be more.”
“More than lovers?”
“That’s not what I mean.”
“Help me understand.”
Jennifer leaned back and studied the ceiling for a few minutes. “I’ve always felt like there’s been this empty space inside. Like there’s something wrong with me. Something missing. I don’t know. Like whatever I am, it’s not enough, I want to be more. This guy, he’s really great. He deserves…more.”
“What if it’s not about being more? What if it’s just about being who you really are?”
“I’m not sure I even know who that is.”
“Then, that’s what we work on.”
Jennifer unlocked the door to the apartment and pushed it open. The first thing she noticed was that Rachel and Tom were there. The second thing she noticed was Mac. He was sitting in the chair. His eyes were on the door to the apartment instead of the television, and they were filled with undisguised accusation. Jennifer swallowed and looked away. His anger was too much to bear. She placed her purse on the counter, nervously ran her fingers through her hair and secured a plastic smile firmly to her face.
“Welcome home,” he said.
“Thanks! I think I’ll go freshen up a bit,” she said with practiced ease.
“Shh!” Sara and Rachel said in unison, their eyes fixed on the screen.
Jennifer walked quickly back to her bedroom. Her mind was racing. She entered, then closed the door and looked down at her hands. They were trembling. This was something she hadn’t expected. Mac knew she wasn’t with Rachel, he knew she’d lied. Before she could even begin to think through a plausible explanation, he barged in. No warning. Not even a knock.
“Mac!” she gasped keeping her tone low.
He didn’t even spare her a glance. He immediately walked over to her bed and looked under a pillow.
“Mac?”
He checked under the bed and in her closet.
“What are you looking for?”
Now he was searching through her jewelry box. “Don’t you feel it? What’s missing here? I’m sure it’s around here someplace.”
“What’s missing?”
“It was here just this morning.” Clearly agitated, he started to pull open her drawers one by one and rifle through her neatly folded clothing.
Jennifer placed a hand on his to still his movements. “Stop! What on earth are you talking about?”
“Trust!” He glared at her. “I’m talking about trust.”
She could see the tightness in his jaw and the look of hurt in his eyes. She swallowed.
“You said you were working. Only I don’t think you were,” he said. “I think if you were working, Rachel wo
uld have known about it.”
She couldn’t look him in the eye.
“Fine. Shut me out. Keep making the same mistakes. But don’t expect me to.” He opened the door and started to walk out.
“So I wasn’t at work. I needed some time to myself.”
“Time to yourself,” he repeated.
“To do something. What’s the big deal?”
He closed the door and turned back to face her. “I’ll tell you why this is such a big deal. You lied to me.”
“Look, Mac, just because I let you fuck me, doesn’t mean you own me.”
Mac looked as if he’d been struck. “That’s your answer?”
“We have company. We don’t have time for this, now.”
“We need to make the time.”
“We’ll continue this discussion later.” She walked past him and out the door, her stomach a bundle of knots.
A minute later Mac came out, coat on, keys in hand. Wordlessly, he passed her. Jennifer followed him to the door.
“Where are you going?” she asked in a hushed voice.
“Oh! Think you’ve earned the right to keep tabs on me, do you?” He was fuming, his tone angry. “It’s a two-way street, Jennifer. Besides, you’re busy and all, not sure you have the time to listen to the elaborate details of my evening’s plans.”
“So, keep it short.” Jennifer glanced self-consciously over at Sara, Rachel and Tom who were staring now at them. “You’re only doing this to make a point.”
“Keep it short? I’ll keep it short!” Mac pulled up the collar on his jacket. “Out! Goodnight. Don’t bother waiting up.”
Jennifer stood there, alone, Mac’s final words ringing in her ears. Don’t bother waiting up.
“Shit!” She stomped her foot. When she turned around, she practically bumped into Sara.
“Aren’t you going after him?”
“I don’t…” She looked from Sara to Rachel.
“It’s now or never,” Rachel said. “You’ll lose him if you don’t.”
Sara pointed to the door. “Go!”
Jennifer nodded. “Okay. But—”
Rachel rose from her chair, strode over to the door, and opened it wide. “No buts, we’ll wait with Sara. Hurry!”
Jennifer ran out without a coat and without her keys. The elevator was already in motion.
“Damn it!” She raced down the hall and into the stairwell. As she burst through the door to the ground floor she was breathing heavily. A quick glance at the elevator confirmed he’d beaten her. Like a flash she continued, pushing through the entrance.
He was at the corner, waiting for the light to change. “Mac! Wait!” He didn’t turn around as she approached. “I’m sorry.”
He held up his hand. “It’s really not a good time. I’m angry and I’m hurt. I need to think.”
She walked around to face him. “Thinking is overrated. Some really smart guy told me that once.”
The light changed. He didn’t step off the curb. Instead, he stuffed his hands inside his pockets. It was a small victory, but it gave her home.
“He was right,” she continued. “Turns out he’s right about a lot of things.”
The wind was beginning to pick up outside and the temperature was dropping.
“You don’t even have your coat on, you silly bint.”
“I know. But I had to tell you something really important.”
“I was just going to go for a quick walk.”
“Please, don’t walk away.”
“I was coming back, you know. I just wanted to cool off.”
She wrapped her arms around herself. “What I have to tell you, it can’t wait.”
Mac looked up at the dark sky. Large drops had begun to dot the sidewalks. “It’s starting to rain.”
“I don’t care,” Jennifer said. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
Mac gazed down, intently, at his boots. “Are you seeing someone else?”
“What? God, no! You think I’m seeing somebody else?”
“In my experience, when a woman starts lying about where she’s been, it’s either because she’s doing drugs or shagging someone else. You don’t seem to have a drug habit—”
“I wouldn’t do that to you.”
He nodded. “What a relief. So, I’m the only guy you let fuck you these days?”
“Mac—”
“Is that supposed to make me feel special, because it doesn’t.”
“I didn’t mean—”
“You didn’t mean… Tell me, what am I to you? Am I here to scratch your itch whenever you feel the need? Or am I a part-time nanny? Maintenance man? Cook? Perhaps I’m just someone to split the bills with? You haven’t even told anyone about us. Rachel and Tom were in complete shock!”
“I have. I was talking to someone tonight as a matter of fact. I’m not like you, Mac. I’m not good at this. I’m going to make mistakes. I’m going to say the wrong thing. I’m probably going to lose you. But…but…”
Jennifer paused. She was starting to breathe heavily now, almost gasping for air as she fought to choke back sobs. An overwhelming sense of panic set in. This was exactly what she was so afraid of. She was losing him. Her chest clenched. She felt the earth move beneath her feet, the buildings on the street start to spin around her.
Mac could tell Jennifer was struggling, but she was close, close to telling him what was going on for her, really going on. As she fought to keep her emotions under control, he fought the urge to wrap his arms around her and tell her it was all going to be okay. They needed to get through this. They would. And once they did their relationship would be that much stronger.
“I’m going to make mistakes. I’m going to say the wrong thing. I’m probably going to lose you. But…but…”
Suddenly, her eyes rolled up. She swayed and began to slide to the ground. Mac swept her up in his arms.
“Jennifer!”
The sky opened up and rain began to pour down on them. He ran with her back into the building, struggling to hold on to her while at the same time unlocking the security door.
As soon as they were inside the entryway, he leaned his back against the wall and slid down until he was cradling her in his arms on the floor. Jennifer’s eyes fluttered open.
“What happened?”
“You cheated. Don’t think I’m going to back away from a good fight just because you faint on me. It’s completely unfair.”
“I fainted?” She tried to sit up.
“Give yourself a minute.”
“I’m sorry. It was a busy day. I…I didn’t eat.”
“You have got to take better care of yourself. Let’s get you fed. We can finish our talk later.”
Jennifer shook her head. “I told Arlene. I told Arlene about you, about us being lovers.”
“Who’s Arlene?”
She turned away in embarrassment. “My therapist.”
“All this cloak and dagger is about you seeing a therapist?”
Jennifer nodded.
“You’re kidding, right?” Mac chuckled.
“No, and why are you laughing?”
“What? You thought I’d be all shocked or…or what exactly? What was going on in that pretty little head of yours?”
“Nobody wants damaged goods, Mac. Nobody wants something broken and…you think I’m pretty?”
“Got a newsflash for you,” Mac said. “One, I already know you’re not perfect, none of us are. Two, I want you. Three, you’re bloody gorgeous and you know it. Four, thank you.”
“For what?”
“For revealing this to me. For being honest.”
Tears started to stream down her face, mingling with the drops of rain.
Mac wiped them away with the pads of his thumbs. “Most of all, for trying so damn hard. Don’t think this all comes easy to me. It doesn’t. I’m just as likely to make mistakes, say stupid things. I’m certain I don’t deserve you… You’re shivering.”
“Not from the cold.” J
ennifer leaned in and kissed him.
It wasn’t a passionate kiss. It was soft and gentle, like a whisper. As she pressed her lips against his, he felt them tremble. He tasted her salty, achingly sweet tears. Then brushed his cheek, tenderly against hers. “It’s going to be all right. We’re going to be all right.”
She pulled back slowly and looked up at him. “Are you sure?”
Mac nodded. “Let’s get you upstairs.”
“I have a story to tell you. It’s about a girl named Jennifer and a boy named Joe.”
“You said it got bad between you two.”
“You have no idea. But I want you to. I want you to know, to understand.”
Mac leaned his forehead against hers and released a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. “We’ll put Sara to bed, fix you something to eat, and then you can tell me.”
Jennifer nodded. As she and Mac climbed to their feet, he took off his jacket and draped it over her shoulders.
“Thanks.”
He wrapped his arm around her, guided her over to the elevator and pressed the call button. “So, when was the last time you saw this Joe?” Mac asked, casually. The elevator doors opened and he and Jennifer stepped inside.
“The last time?” Jennifer pressed the button to their floor. “Seven years ago, April 17th, the night I killed him.”
“The night you—”
She looked up at him, eyes haunted. The hair on the back of his neck stood up. He’d known from the beginning she had demons, a dark past she was running from. But he had no idea how dark. “After Sara’s in bed. This isn’t a story she needs to hear.”
The elevator doors opened. Mac followed Jennifer into the apartment. All was quiet. The elevator ride up felt surreal. Had she really said what he thought she had? There was a quiet voice coming from Sara’s room. As they approached Sara’s door, they saw she was already in bed, cuddled between Rachel and Tom. Tom was reading. Just as he was about to pull Jennifer aside to question her she preceded into the room, leaving him in the now-darkened hallway.
“Hey, sorry to interrupt,” Jennifer said.
Sara sat up. “Did you—”
Mac stepped into the doorway.
Mac!” Sara scrambled off her bed and ran to him, wrapping her arms around his waist.
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