by Blue Saffire
“Hey, Heather,” I say, getting off of my bike to walk up the steps of Bean’s house.
It’s where Heather has been sitting for the last hour. All by herself, looking like she’s lost in space. She’s ten, so she may think I’m a baby to hang out with, but it’s never stopped us before. She just started calling me a baby and telling me to leave her alone.
When she looks in my direction, I see the excitement I used to see there, when we would play. Then, just as soon as it comes, it goes. Yup, something ain’t right.
I hold my hand up, before she can insult me or call me a baby. I don’t have time for that shit. I’m going to say what I have to say and then go ride my bike and mind my own business.
“Listen, you may think I’m a baby and you may not want to play with me no more, but I’m not stupid. I can see something’s wrong. You’re one of my friends and you’re family.
“We’re always here, Heather. You’re as good as a Black in my eyes and my family’s eyes, too. Something ain’t right. It ain’t been right for a few months. You need us, we’re here. You need to tell someone what’s going on.
“Mom will take out her shotguns if she has to. That’s all I’m saying. You’re my friend. I want you to be happy,” I pause and look into her eyes. Something just ain’t right there. I lower my voice. “I want you to be safe. We’re here.”
I wait for her to nod her head back at me. We stare at each other for a long time. It’s as if she’s trying to tell me something, but she’s not saying a word. Still, I feel something…in my chest.
It feels weird and I don’t know what to call it. Heather finally nods. I can see she’s fighting off tears. Tears, I can’t do, so when I get the nod, I take off the way I came. I think I made my point.
Heather
That kid is just weird. He’s so not a kid. Brax may be a baby in years, but he’s one of the smartest kids around here. I can’t believe he has seen through me.
I thought I was hiding it well. Everyone else has been too busy to notice. Although, I stay far away from Aunt Cass.
I can’t wait until my daddy comes back. Things have only gotten worse. The more time that passes, the more I don’t know if I will make it. I’m not a tough cookie anymore. I’m scared, confused, and crumbling.
I look down the block, where Brax and his brothers are riding their bikes. Brax sees me crumbling. I get the feeling he may have an idea. I saw it in his eyes. He knows…I’m not safe. I haven’t been safe in months.
See, not a kid, not even a baby. He knows stuff. I hope he doesn’t tell anyone, I’m working so hard to keep everyone safe, including me.
I never thought much of my changing body, not until Ernest touched me that first night. I mean, I am one of the few girls in my class that started to develop last year, but I didn’t give it much attention. It was only after Ernest’s attention that I noticed boys at school starting to make comments about my shirts and boobs.
Everything has changed. I hate wearing things that show my body. I don’t want to comb out my hair. Whenever my hair is loose or in pigtails, Ernest has his hands on it. I hate it. It makes my stomach sick to even be around him.
My stomach turns even now, as I think of having to go back soon. I don’t call Ernest’s house my home. That place is a house of horror for me. It will never be my home.
I had an idea. I remembered how upset Ernest was when I peed on myself. I’ve been thinking, if I don’t wash, he’ll back off.
I let a tear fall, wishing this all would go away. I hold back the bile in my throat, as my stomach turns some more. Closing my eyes, I try to get it under control, before someone else notices.
“Hey, Heather,” I wipe my face quickly, then turn for the house to see Bean and Nellie coming out the front door.
“Yeah,” I whisper, keeping my head down so they can’t see my eyes.
“Mom says come in and take a bath. You’re spending the night. We’re having a sleepover. Mom’s ordering pizza, while we wash up,” Bean replies excitedly.
My heart squeezes in my chest. I’m safe. For tonight, I’m safe. I breathe lighter than I have in weeks.
Just thirty-five days. I can make it for thirty-five more days. I won’t have to be scared, when dad gets back home. My daddy will save me.
Chapter 4
Hurtful Secrets
Heather
I wish I could’ve stayed at Bean’s longer. My safe place was short lived. I tried to get Mom to let me stay for a few more nights, but Ernest made her bring me home.
I could hear him in the background, calling me spoiled, telling Mom I belonged in my own home, where they provide for me. This is not my home. I wish I never ever had to come back here.
Mom being Mom, caved and told me to come back just to shut Ernest’s mouth. I’m only ten, but even I get that she should question some of this. Why isn’t she paying me any attention? I can’t say anything, but why hasn’t she figured it out?
I feel so gross, I haven’t bathed in weeks. I don’t want Ernest’s attention, I’d rather wear beanies and smell like old socks. Besides, I can’t trust bathing in this house when mom isn’t around.
A closed door means nothing to Ernest. When I can’t stand my own smell any longer, I have to bath during the day, when Mom is home. If I don’t…I don’t even want to think about it. I get nauseous every time I think of that one night.
Ernest is still promising mom the world, spoiling her with expensive things and giving me things I don’t want. I’ve gotten a new bike, laptop, and tons of new shoes, all within the last few weeks. All things that have Mom thinking Ernest is the best thing since the moon.
She doesn’t see the real Ernest. The one that’s standing in the doorway of my bedroom, at this minute. Crooked Nose and a few of Ernest’s other friends were here earlier.
I wasn’t forced to watch this time, but there was a lot of yelling. I think Ernest messed something up. A part of me wished it was something bad enough to make what happened to Skinny Man happen to Ernest.
I had no such luck. That was an hour ago. I heard when they all left. A few things crashed around downstairs, but I knew Ernest was alone. I crept out to peek down the stairs. He was having a tantrum all by himself.
Now he’s here to take it out on me. Not safe. I’ll never be safe here.
I can hear the flick of his lighter, telling me he is lighting a cigarette. Moments later, the smell of burning tobacco reaches my nostrils, cutting into my limited breathing supply.
I can hardly breathe as it is, because I’m petrified of what will happen tonight. My skin starts to crawl, my palms are all sweaty, and I can hear my heart pounding in my chest.
“You think you’re so smart,” he hisses into the room.
I keep my back turned to him, in hopes he will think I’m sleeping and just go away. Sadly, I know he won’t. Things have just been getting worse.
“You were over there telling that Irish filth our secrets,” he snarls.
My heart leaps into my throat. I haven’t told anyone anything. I would never let him hurt my family. I’ve kept my mouth shut.
Ernest is the only filth around here. I once made the mistake of telling Ernest how proud I am of my heritage. My dad is Irish and my mom is half Filipino and half black. I’m proud of my mom and dad’s family. I love that I’m from different places.
Ernest locked in on my dad being Irish and the fact that he has Irish friends. He has just run with it, whenever he wants to take digs at my dad and those I care about. I don’t think my dad has ever liked Ernest.
I’m all the way with my dad on that one. I haven’t been liking Mom much these days either. Everything has changed so much for Ernest. I’ve watched my mom push everyone in our lives away for him. I haven’t seen or spoken to my mom’s side of the family, since she started dating Ernest. Honestly, Mom doesn’t talk to any of her family and friends, since they started dating.
As the fear for my other family grips me, I’m sort of grateful. I don’t know if I co
uld handle protecting one more person. It doesn’t seem like I’m doing such a good job as it is.
I don’t feel brave, or strong like I used to, when my dad would rough house with me. I don’t feel like my daddy’s tough cookie at all. I feel…I feel…I don’t know what I feel.
“I know you hear me,” he growls, when I still don’t reply or move, pulling me from my spiral of confused thoughts.
I sit up in bed and scowl at him. “I didn’t tell anybody anything,” I hiss back, wanting to be my dad’s brave girl.
“You better not be running that big mouth of yours. I told you what would happen if you did,” he narrows his eyes back at me.
His black eyes glow menacingly. His brown hair is messed in his forehead. I can tell he has been drinking. It’s the only time he allows himself to be unkempt. Usually, when he’s sober, there isn’t a hair out of place.
I don’t see what Mom sees in him. My dad is so much more attractive. Ernest is plain. Yeah, he wears expensive looking stuff. Still, there’s something missing on the surface. Something that makes my teeth itch and my scalp tingle with caution.
“I’m not a snitch,” I snap back.
“Good,” he hisses. “I could always remind you, if you need.”
“I remember,” I whisper.
“And don’t get any ideas when your father gets back. I know he’ll be back soon. My friends are already, ready for him if he tries anything stupid. You know how we keep that from happening, don’t you?” Ernest says, his words choking off my retort.
I can feel the sweat rolling down my back. I start to tremble, pulling myself into a ball. I never thought of what would happen to dad if he finds out. I just thought I would be safe when he got back home.
“I won’t say anything,” I say in a whisper.
“You better not,” he snarls. “You smell, girl. You think I haven’t noticed what you’ve been up to? You think you’re so smart. Smarter than everyone else.
“You think not washing is going to push me away, or are you trying to get your mama’s attention? Or maybe, just maybe, you think those Irish pigs will sniff you out. Your father and his friends can’t save you. Your daddy couldn’t even afford to save his own fucking marriage,” Ernest taunts.
I swallow my fear, as anger takes over. I hate it when he talks about my dad. I just want to punch him in the face.
“My dad’s going to kick your ass,” I blurt out, in my anger, but I regret it as soon as the words fall out of my mouth.
I think my dad could beat Ernest up, I’m pretty sure he could, but what if Crooked Nose and the other men get involved. Fear wins out, once again. My throat clogs up with a knot.
Ernest throws his head back and laughs. “Just look, you sound like one of them. If your dad so much as looks at me wrong, I’ll have him buried somewhere, where no one will find him,” he hurls at me. “I’ll bury him and his friends with just a word.”
A chill runs through me. My heart is pounding so hard I think it’s going to explode. I’m so unsure of what to do. If I tell my dad when he gets home, I could be putting him in danger, but I don’t know how much longer I can take this.
My dad has always been my hero. He protects the country from the bad guys. Wyatt and Noah are always saying how badass our dads are, but what if the bad guys are stronger than my dad this time. I saw what they did to Skinny Man.
“Just leave me alone,” I murmur, holding back my tears.
He moves into the room, coming closer to the bed. I stiffen as he stops, sitting on the edge. He reaches for my hair and strokes it. I hate it when he does that. I can smell the alcohol now that he’s closer. It makes my stomach turn.
“We’re just making it clear that I need you to be a good girl and keep our little secret safe,” he purrs, with a stupid smile on his lips.
“I didn’t tell anyone,” I whisper, hoping that will make him go away.
“Good girl, now get your ass up,” he snarls, tearing the sheets back.
I scamper back against the headboard, preparing my legs to kick out. “Leave me alone,” my words don’t come out as strong as I would like.
“Get your ass in that bathtub and then get back in this bed. I’m not playing with you tonight,” he growls back.
“Fuck you,” I hiss.
His eyes harden, causing me to shrink back into myself. I don’t know where the courage is coming from tonight. I just feel…I feel…I’m tired of this. I know what’s coming and I hate it.
I hate the glee I see in his eyes. If I were bigger, just maybe I could fight him. I wish I could kill him and Crooked Nose. Then, I’d be safe. I wouldn’t have to worry.
He grins at me. “No, not yet. I like our playtime just the way it is for now, but soon,” he licks his lips as his eyes roll over me. “Go wash your ass. Don’t come out of that bathroom until you’re fully clean. You understand me?” he snarls.
“Yes,” I say softly.
“Good girl, I have a present for you,” he grins.
I don’t reply. I don’t want his stupid presents. He gives me one every time. After our secret time, I always get a present. I bite back my tears, but I get up and do as he says.
Thirty-four days. Only thirty-four more days.
Chapter 5
Missing Star
Braxton
“What’s the matter with you?” Toby asks, as I stomp into the living room and flop down onto the couch.
“Someone took one of my fucking ninja stars,” I hiss, my words whistling through my snaga tooth mouth more than usual.
Noah turns looking up at me, from the floor. Everyone knows when it comes to those stars, I always keep them in their place, shining in the display case dad made for me. They were a gift from Uncle Rob, Heather’s dad.
Speaking of Heather, I narrow my eyes at her. She’s the only one not looking at me. She has her knees curled into her chest, as she tries to pretend she’s watching TV.
Bean’s sitting next to her, with the same curious look on her face Noah has. Ry looks like he’s trying to solve a puzzle. I watch him, seeing when the pieces fall into place. We both turn to Heather.
“You sure someone took it,” Noah asks.
I don’t answer him right away. I’m too busy watching Heather fidget. She still hasn’t turned my way. She reaches up to tug her hat down over her ratty looking hair.
She’s looking a mess again. It’s hot in here, but she won’t take that hat off and she has on long sleeves and sweat pants. I twist my lips, frowning.
“Where’s Mom?” I ask.
Heather stiffens, her head snapping in my direction. Her eyes almost pleading with me. I know it was her. She took the star.
“Come on, don’t go getting us all in trouble, if you’re not sure who took it,” Noah groans.
“Nah, I think I know where I left it,” I shrug. “I just need to talk to Mom.”
Heather’s eyes water, just before she gets up to rush from the room. I don’t even think, I’m right on her heels. She runs right out the front door.
“I got it,” I call behind me, as I feel Ryan on my heels.
I don’t turn to see who else might be following us. Heather’s fast, but I’m a good runner. She darts up the block, crossing the street into her dad’s backyard. No one’s home, our dads will be back sometime tomorrow.
Heather whirls around on me. Her entire body is shaking. I ignore the tears that are covering her face. Heather hasn’t gotten any better over the last month, since I said something to her. Actually, it’s gotten worse. She’s so distant from everything.
I watch as she pulls the star from her sweatpants pocket. She hurls her shaky hand out towards me. I jump back, looking up at her. Heather’s taller than me, even though I’m tall for my age.
“Watch it, will ya,” I say.
“Here, take it. Just don’t tell on me. Okay?” she says with wide eyes.
I push her hand back towards her. “You need it, you keep it,” I shake my head.
Heather knits h
er brows at me. I shrug, folding my arms over my chest. I’m not taking it back.
“Are you going to tell?” she sniffles.
“No, not if you let me help,” I reply.
Her eyes grow wider. “Help? You’re six. You can’t help,” she mutters.
I puff my chest out. “Yes, I can. Do you know how to use that thing? I can show you. Have you been practicing fighting? I know you like girly stuff, but you shouldn’t stop practicing.
“We can run some drills back here. No one has to know. Or we can get Noah—,” I start, but Heather throws her hands up to stop me.
“No, we can’t tell anyone else. I’ll let you help, but we can’t tell anyone else. My dad…I can’t let dad find out,” Heather rushes.
“Find out what,” I frown.
“Nothing,” Heather murmurs. “Are you going to help me or not?”
She gently places the star in her pocket and tugs off her long sleeve shirt. My brows shoot into my hairline. I had no idea Heather grew such big tits. I mean they’re huge.
I know what boobs are. I hear my brothers talking about them all the time. I just didn’t know Heather had such big ones. I look at her long sleeve shirt, as it hits the ground. My brain spins.
Heather is always covered these days. I can’t remember the last time she wore something girly or smelled girly. My stomach rolls and my chest burns.
Last year, there was a girl in Wyatt’s class. I overheard him and Noah talking about someone touching her wrong. My brothers were so disgusted that this happened to their friend.
Something tells me, I’ve just found out why Heather has been having trouble. I’m so angry, as I think of someone trying to hurt my friend. In this moment, I wish I was bigger. I wish I could beat the shit out of whoever has been bothering her.
“One day, I’m going to be big and when I am, whoever’s fucking with you, I’m going to kick their ass. You got that,” I say in my rage.
